To move back in with my abuser?

[Gograce]

Hear me out. I know on paper the answer is a clear as day no. But I genuinely have no where to go. In less than a weeks time the home I'm living in will be sold. I have no family that can take me and Support me financially. I'm unemployed with a 5 month baby. Before all of this I was living on/off with my partner and receiving uc. If I was to live with my family they would consider their wages and deduct my uc meaning I wouldnt be able to contribute to rent hence why they cant afford to take me. If I live on my own I've been told I can be put in a hostel far away and the last thing I want when feeling so fragile is to be isolated from my family. I've barely seen them since the pandemic as it is. No i dont want to live in a refuge either. My partner isnt a threat or aggressive, he has been sexually abusive. So is my only option is to move back with him? He wants us all back as a happy family. And I dont have the energy to stress anymore. I want to be able to unpack and finally settle someone. My baby and I deserve a home...

Why will you not consider the safety of a Refuge OP 🌸

Please, please, please don’t walk into a situation whereby you may be raped, purely because you’re desperate. A refuge is the safer option. Please. It’s a stopgap for now. Keep your baby safe from this abusive man.

Please, why are you doing this? Why are you building a stack of reasons why you "have to" go back to an abuser?
Every single reply has been to tell you not to do it. Every single one.
Don't let your fear of stepping into the unknown undo you now.

Your being unable to pay rent means they won't take you in? That is ridiculous, 9f you were my friend or family that was vulnerable with a baby.and the only option was a refuge or an abuser and I had a spare room then you would be right in.

Please go to a refuge, don’t risk being exposed to someone who abused you. You also don’t want your baby in an environment with an abuser. At a refuge you will get care and treated with kindness.

Go to a refuge and then get them to support you to apply for housing. The council has a duty to supply accommodation for anyone fleeing domestic violence. This is new legislation. Please don’t go back. You’ve already taken such a big step in leaving originally. Your baby needs you to be safe and well.

The support works at a refuge will do a 'duty to refer' to the local council and you will be 'priority need' for housing. You will be helped.

And the refuge will not be horrible. I know we have an image of them in our heads as absolutely awful but they are not... they are often well maintained and homely. With people there to understand and help.

Do not go back to an abusive ex. It wouldn't look good on you if children's social services get involved at some point (sorry to say that but it is something you need to consider).

Your baby needs you to protect them. If he is sexually aggressive he is certainly not safe to live with. Don't expose your baby to that life. Go to the refuge.

@Musereader

Your family's earnings do not reduce your UC. Only the claimants (and the partners, if there is one) earnings are ever used.

You will get the £411 for yourself and the £235 for your child. No rent (as you are presumably not on the tenancy). If YOU have a job, only YOUR earnings are used to reduce that. Any other adults you are living with would mean a deduction for the rent element only, but as you wouldn't be getting rent anyway that is irrelevant.

Live with your family, be firm with the council that you need your own place close, when they say you will be put far away, that is just to present you with worst case scenario, it does not mean you actually will be sent far away. But you cannot expect very close if there is no council properties nearby.

I did it, my sister did it, we both escaped abusive men, it does turn out better than you expect, just do not go back.

This looks to be correct. Would this situation enable you to live with your family?

If not, I would urge you to take the refuge option. You really can't go back.

If you go back you’ll be in the same position next one you leave and the time after.

They say it takes 7 attempts to leave an abuser - make a change leave the first time.

You and your baby deserve a home. And you’ll get there. A home isn’t somewhere you are sexually abused. A home isn’t somewhere where your mother is being abused. If you won’t think about yourself think about your child. Their whole life will be moulded around this being okay and normal.

My parents cannot afford to house me. I would need to contribute to the rent and as I said I wouldnt get anything for rent living with family. My parents genuinely dont have the money despite their jobs. If they would they could. Living off 600 is not enough to cover both cost of our living whilst paying for food whilst paying for Bill's and rent. For the price of apartments at the moment I would at least need 500 to put on the table. I may consider a refuge I'm just really sceptical about that lifestyle and being alone without my family

Please don’t go back.
Don’t let him drag you down again just because of some temporary housing issues.
Live with your parents.
It’s like recovering from a long illness, just give it a chance.

A refuge is safe. A home with an abuser is not.

Regardless of how scared you might feel about being in your own, you have a child to protect and they are not safe in a home with an abuser. Even if he does not do anything to hurt the baby directly it is no environment to bring up a child

Have you actually spoken to your parents?

@Gograce

My parents cannot afford to house me. I would need to contribute to the rent and as I said I wouldnt get anything for rent living with family. My parents genuinely dont have the money despite their jobs. If they would they could. Living off 600 is not enough to cover both cost of our living whilst paying for food whilst paying for Bill's and rent. For the price of apartments at the moment I would at least need 500 to put on the table. I may consider a refuge I'm just really sceptical about that lifestyle and being alone without my family

That really doesn't make sense op!

Your parents are both employed, with a roof over their heads, and they wouldn't let you and their grandchild sleep on an airbed in the living room for a few weeks,to stop you from being repeatedly sexually assaulted? Then they are frankly, shit human beings, and just maybe,you DON'T need their "support".

No.

Refuge. Friend. Family. Hospital. Police station.

But not with your abuser.

You won't be able to look after your baby properly if you are not looking after yourself. If you remain with an abuser and the child grows up in this dynamic - the longer term implications could be very serious on your child's long term well being and stability and prospects. The refuge may seem unappealing, but it is the first (and necessary) step to building a safe and stable life for you and your child. As others have said, the chance of you actually being placed near to your family is high and you can seek help to fight your corner to achieve that. Going back to your abuser will not work. It may seem like a suitable 'fix', but it really isn't. You're setting yourself up for x10 problems. I was gonna say good luck, but you don't need luck because you can do it.

Your parents won’t be paying any more rent whether you live with the, or not so you would only need to contribute to bills.
Also the advice about UC is correct and if you engage with local abuse charities etc the likelihood is you will get not only more support but more “stuff” like baby clothes, food etc that will ease the burden.
And people are also right about refuges being nice places that find you accommodation fast.

This is not rational ..

who is telling you ALL this ?

Please go to the Refuge.

OP, you make it siund as if you think that serial abuse was less bad than purely physical? That isn't right.

I understand you are exhausted but please don't go back. Don't. For your sake as much as the baby's.

Sexual not serial

I’m pretty sure your parents would want you to be safe from sexual abuse. Please tell them exactly what has been going on.

“That lifestyle” is you and your child being safe.