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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To move back in with my abuser?

303 replies

Gograce · 17/06/2021 21:20

Hear me out. I know on paper the answer is a clear as day no. But I genuinely have no where to go. In less than a weeks time the home I'm living in will be sold. I have no family that can take me and Support me financially. I'm unemployed with a 5 month baby. Before all of this I was living on/off with my partner and receiving uc. If I was to live with my family they would consider their wages and deduct my uc meaning I wouldnt be able to contribute to rent hence why they cant afford to take me. If I live on my own I've been told I can be put in a hostel far away and the last thing I want when feeling so fragile is to be isolated from my family. I've barely seen them since the pandemic as it is. No i dont want to live in a refuge either. My partner isnt a threat or aggressive, he has been sexually abusive. So is my only option is to move back with him? He wants us all back as a happy family. And I dont have the energy to stress anymore. I want to be able to unpack and finally settle someone. My baby and I deserve a home...

OP posts:
L0bstersLass · 18/06/2021 16:36

@Gograce

Can you believe that he still thinks he is a good dad and has rang me crying saying how depressed he is over all of this! I'm at a loss for words....
He's depressed. There's a bloody cheek!

There was a wonderful thread by a poster called R0SEMARY who was separating from her useless husband. She started to just use the phrase "oh-dear" whenever he complained about anything.

Try not to get drawn into a conversation. He will use all the tricks in the book to try to get you to change your mind. He wants to have control. Don't let him into your head. You're doing so well. Smile

Let him cry and say how depressed he is, your response should be "oh dear". Don't engage him in conversation. He's a dickhead. I bet it's exhausting listening to him.

funnylittlefloozie · 18/06/2021 16:36

I'd block that piece of shit if I were you. Of course he's crying, he's trying to make you feel so sorry for him that you drop all your silly ideas of running away, and you just come home and open your legs for him like a good girl.... Just writing that makes me feel sick. Noone should be living like that.

Please talk to the refuge people. The seaside place sounds like a nice opportunity if you can take it.

L0bstersLass · 18/06/2021 16:43

@CleanQueen123

Call them today and get the ball rolling. They'll need to go through some questions with you on the phone before they can accept you so the sooner you start, the better.
@Gograce This was the final post on the last page, just want to make sure you see it. These sounds like wise words and useful info.
IDontReadEyebrows · 18/06/2021 17:17

@Gograce

Can you believe that he still thinks he is a good dad and has rang me crying saying how depressed he is over all of this! I'm at a loss for words....
You’re going to hear a lot of that from him. Your reaction to it is encouraging though- you don’t sound like you’re being taken in by his pity party. That’s good. In the meantime block him and change your number ASAP. I’m really pleased for you that you’ve called the numbers and you're making plans for you and your child. Huge steps right there. I don’t think anyone who’s never been in this situation can truly understand how overwhelming all this can be.
toiletbrushholder · 18/06/2021 17:28

You OP needs reading bk to yourself, "he's not a danger or a threat, he's only sexually assaulted me". I understand it takes time to come to terms with being a victim of abuse, not something any of us want to be ever. He will do it again, or hurt you in other ways and possibly your baby. Don't minimise it, it's real, it happened, it's not your fault. Your family don't sound supportive or understanding, take yourself and baby to the refuge by the sea and start as new independent life for you and baby. You deserve to give yourself a chance and your child to live in a stable home. Going back won't achieve that.

QueenBee52 · 18/06/2021 18:18

@Gograce

Can you believe that he still thinks he is a good dad and has rang me crying saying how depressed he is over all of this! I'm at a loss for words....

imagine you moved back in.. christ it does not bare thinking about OP, the manipulation and abuse you would be exposed too ..

good luck with calling the aid agencies 🌸

Gograce · 18/06/2021 18:53

@QueenBee52 oh that's not the half of it! His family is now all messaging me to confirm how depressed he is and asking if I can not see it in me to forgive and take him back. No one cares about how badly its affected me or my baby. The bloody cheek!

OP posts:
L0bstersLass · 18/06/2021 18:58

I would not bother talking with any of them. I'd suggest you block them all. You don't need to hear their nonsense.

Gograce · 18/06/2021 19:03

@L0bstersLass of course they dont know what actually happened so to them I guess the repercussion doesnt fit the crime. It must seem completely blown out of the water and I guess they will forever think I am to blame for this

OP posts:
L0bstersLass · 18/06/2021 19:14

@Gograce Quite possibly, but please try not to give them any headroom at all. Just focus on your and your baby being safe. You don't need unsupportive, manipulative or abusive people around you right now.

I'd block all the relatives. It's got nothing to do with them.

user1473878824 · 18/06/2021 21:30

@Gograce I almost cried with relief seeing your update. We’re all here for you.

Gograce · 18/06/2021 22:09

He keeps calling me up crying and smashing things. Saying I can take his daughter away from him and that he needs her. Everything is for his own gain and benefit. He doesnt even consider what is best for her is not being with him he just want her and that's all he cares about. Even now till this point he is completely and utterly selfish and it makes me sick. How dare he call me up to cry!? I should be the one crying right now. He always makes himself to be the victim. It's not my problem anymore. I'm done with putting him first. I told him to stop contacting me and he wont. I dont want to have to block him but he is leaving me with no choice.....I'm FUMING!

OP posts:
starryskylark · 18/06/2021 22:26

He's trying to guilt you back. You don't need to justify your reasons to his family. He knows what ever he has done made you leave. He owns that behaviour and it's his fault.

I'm glad you are making steps forward. It's hard as we all want the dream happy family life, but it's sadly not going to be this guy. Your daughter will be very proud of you ( when she's older) for leaving and not going back. You are putting you and her first. Keep us updated.

QueenBee52 · 18/06/2021 22:28

Just block him

user1473878824 · 18/06/2021 22:34

Absolutely just block him. And stay angry.

Lockdownbear · 18/06/2021 22:43

He's trying to manipulate you. He's not really bothered about seeing DD, he's just trying to get at you. Wants you back.

me4real · 18/06/2021 22:54

Block him, it's wholly justified- he's abusive.

You're doing really well OP, keep going. Call the refuges ASAP. xx

Closetbeanmuncher · 18/06/2021 23:18

Crocodile tears... My ex used to do this.

Give him a week, he'll be back to hurling abuse at you.

L0bstersLass · 18/06/2021 23:57

@Gograce

He keeps calling me up crying and smashing things. Saying I can take his daughter away from him and that he needs her. Everything is for his own gain and benefit. He doesnt even consider what is best for her is not being with him he just want her and that's all he cares about. Even now till this point he is completely and utterly selfish and it makes me sick. How dare he call me up to cry!? I should be the one crying right now. He always makes himself to be the victim. It's not my problem anymore. I'm done with putting him first. I told him to stop contacting me and he wont. I dont want to have to block him but he is leaving me with no choice.....I'm FUMING!
Being cross is good. Stay cross at him. Do not give an inch. Also, don't feel you can't block him. You can. If he's doing your head in then stop him from being able to contact you. Stay strong and give the refuge by the sea a ring to see what help they can offer you. You're doing so well.
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 19/06/2021 00:11

So glad you're moving forward and taking no notice of that dickhead. As another poster said, stay angry. The summer at the seaside might just be the ticket. Maybe your family will be more likely to visit. It won't be forever but will at least be a big step forward to creating a good life for you and your daughter

TurtleBay28 · 19/06/2021 07:58

He's guilt tripping you. Well done for staying angry (keep doing this). It's all crocodile tears. The second he is off the phone the tears magically dry up.

He'll say he's depressed and he might even throw in there about killing him self. Do not take him back, classic abuser.

He will never get better. If you did go back he'd find away to punish you and your daughter for leaving. Protect your daughter and yourself.

A leopard never changes it's spots.

You're strong and you have to remain strong for your daughter.

If the roles were reversed just think about what you'd say to your daughter if she was the person in your shoes. You'd tell her to leave and be strong. You do just that and take care x

NettleTea · 19/06/2021 10:06

The anger is good, and it is justified, and it will be the turning point for you in regards ever considering going back. Once the veil has been lifted and you see the self centred man, just trying to satisfy his own needs, with no thought for others, using manipulation to try to get you back so he can abuse you further, you will never see him with your 'old' eyes, that fell for, and had pity for him.

This is good. And this is healthy.

Im really sorry that your parents and family have been unsupportive, and Im really sorry that his parents have been trying to manipulate you into going back.

It doesnt surprise me though. Neither that your family expect you to supress your needs and minimise your feelings, just to keep quiet and give them an easy life with no guilt or unpleasantness to think about, nor that his parents resort to the same kind of tactics to guilt you.

You are both the products of your parenting, but the buck stops now, with you, and you can get the help you need at the refuge to fill the emotional gaps that your parents left you with, and which you will then pass onto your daughter, which made you vulnerable to the kind of man who uses manipulation and abuse to fulfill his needs.

I hope the place by the sea comes to fruition. You may find women there who become lifelong friends, I know I have friends who met that way. But you will be safe, you will be trusted, you will be believed, and what he didn wont be minimised and dismissed if you choose to discuss it with any counsellers.

You also will be supported to find your forever home, as refuges have good relationships with the councils, and can fast track the system and get all your money issues sorted and in place before you move, so that you dont need to worry about it.

Good luck today

NettleTea · 19/06/2021 10:12

Plus smashing things is intimidation. It doesnt show a safe environment.

Like a toddler, these men tend to cycle through a range of emotional manipulations, trying to find the hook to reel you back in

so you will get

pleading
crying
promising to change
saying how sorry he is
suggesting counselling/marriage/whatever you have said in the past you wanted
anger
violence
threats to hurt you physically
threats to have your child removed
threats to apply for full custody
threats to kill himself (call 999 and send the ambulance if he does this one - burly paramedics are exceptionally good at dealing with manipulative twats)
and then back to saying how much he loves you and misses you

Its a self limiting trick, and it follows a script. Not one work of it is true, its poking every angle to find the hole in your armour - but your anger, and your knowledge that YOU HAVE MADE THE RIGHT DECISION, is the strngth you need

If it gets too much you can tell him, or better text him, to say that it is over and dont contact you, and that if he does you will report to police for harrassment and stalking

he knows what he has done, so hopefully he wont want to risk having the police poking around your relationship. He is on very dodgy ground, as if I remember your previous post, what he has done is criminal.

NettleTea · 19/06/2021 10:14

and tell him you are blocking his number, and do it. you need clear headspace to get yourself safe and sorted.

sorry. this sounds a bit bossy, and I know that when you have been controlled, the last thing you need is someone twlling you what to do. Be assured that the staff in refuge dont do this, they are trained to facilitate, not lecture or demand. they are kind and gentle. Im a bit brash, so apologies

Motnight · 19/06/2021 10:17

Well done Op.

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