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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move back in with my abuser?

303 replies

Gograce · 17/06/2021 21:20

Hear me out. I know on paper the answer is a clear as day no. But I genuinely have no where to go. In less than a weeks time the home I'm living in will be sold. I have no family that can take me and Support me financially. I'm unemployed with a 5 month baby. Before all of this I was living on/off with my partner and receiving uc. If I was to live with my family they would consider their wages and deduct my uc meaning I wouldnt be able to contribute to rent hence why they cant afford to take me. If I live on my own I've been told I can be put in a hostel far away and the last thing I want when feeling so fragile is to be isolated from my family. I've barely seen them since the pandemic as it is. No i dont want to live in a refuge either. My partner isnt a threat or aggressive, he has been sexually abusive. So is my only option is to move back with him? He wants us all back as a happy family. And I dont have the energy to stress anymore. I want to be able to unpack and finally settle someone. My baby and I deserve a home...

OP posts:
Welikebeingcosy · 18/06/2021 10:44

If you've been told you'll have a place in a refuge then I'd take the refuge because they'll give you more support with the moving and you'll have some company there and even make some friends hopefully and both options lead to permanent housing. They move people into suitable permanent accomodation quickly because both of those options are more expensive for them to keep you there.

LIZS · 18/06/2021 10:45

[quote Gograce]@Welikebeingcosy but if I dont explain the situation wont the council take my baby to their dads because they see his place as feasible and that means dc wont be homeless? I don't want that to happen[/quote]
The council won't take your baby away if you are taking action to prioritise keeping them safe and well, which with a such young baby involves you moving out. Is that something he has threatened?

L0bstersLass · 18/06/2021 10:48

@Gograce

Which would be best approach womans aid or approach the council
Women's aid, as they will be able to give you advice on how to deal with the council to ensure you get the best outcome for you and your baby.
Hallyup6 · 18/06/2021 10:48

UC doesn't work like that. My daughter is on it and lives with us. My husband is employed and earns way over the threshold for us to get UC as a couple. My daughter gets the full amount as a single person though. She doesn't get a housing element because she doesn't pay us rent, but our income is absolutely not taken into account on her claim. Your family should be able to take you in, if they wish.

Whatever you do though, please get away from this man.

Ivecomeoutoflurking · 18/06/2021 11:01

@Gograce

I cant do it. Once I make it real that its. Once i tell someone there is no going back to our normal lives. Once I'm in a refuge I'll be all on my own
You're already on your own (in a good way as you're free) but if you go back to him you will be really on your own as he will cut you off from the world.
TeeBee · 18/06/2021 11:04

Oh OP, you have done the hard part by leaving, don't get sucked back in because you've hit a bump in the road.
My mother married an abusive man, he went on to abuse all her children and recently the grandchildren. She's stayed with him. Now none of her children have anything to do with her and she's very unhappy. Get out and stay out.
Go and seek out a refuge for your future happiness. I know it's difficult but you really do need to find the strength to do this.
Do you realise that if you go back there's a high likelihood that the abuse will escalate when he realises you're not strong enough to leave? He'll have even less respect for you.
Leave love, just put one foot in front of the other and take each hour as it comes.

Peoniesandpeaches · 18/06/2021 11:15

I’d go through women’s aid even if you want to go into temp accommodation instead of a refuge as they can help with the council. Their very presence will let the council know returning to your ex is not an option for you or any children. The council wouldn’t be making any decision to send your children anywhere though as it’s not their job. They just take you as you present yourself.
With both you can always leave but with a refuge you can go back or move into temp accommodation more easily if it doesn’t feel like it’s working out for you. It’s a lot harder to do with temp accommodation as you would need to explain/justify more about why you left and why you are returning…. Either way it’s still do-able

Shelvesoutofbooks · 18/06/2021 11:15

Hey OP. I don't have any real advice but I just wanted to say I am sorry you are feeling this way, it's an absolutely horrible thing to go through but many of us have gone through it and we've come out on the other side. Please try to stay strong for a little bit longer and I really hope things work out for you soon. Flowers

me4real · 18/06/2021 11:23

A refuge would be even better than the council as it'd be tailored to youu and your situation, and you'd get support.

Does both options eventually lead to private renting?

I imagine you'd be entitled to council or housing association accomodation and both options will allow you access that.

Or if for some reason you prefer to private rent (not recommended in my opinion as it doesn't give you the same level of security) they'd help you find somewhere.

DottyA · 18/06/2021 11:27

@Gograce - I don't have any experience of your situation, but it looks like you've had some wonderful advice here from people who have.

If you're wavering, just imagine what life might be like 6 months form now. By then, your baby will be crawling, maybe even walking...exploring the world, developing their own emotional life. What kind of home will you want for them, then?

  • A stressed, fraught home where (even if your baby isn't abused, which is far from certain), there's never any real feeling of calm or peace, and where they know, because it's obvious, that their mum isn't safe and they probably aren't either.
  • A peaceful, loving home, where they're safe with their mum. Where they can explore the world on their own terms, feel secure, develop, play and laugh freely.

And it might not even take 6 months to get there. At least one poster has said they were out of the refuge and in a secure home in 8 weeks.

You could be in your own free, happy home in less than 2 months. Even if you did hate the refuge, wouldn't that be worth it, instead of a life of fear and abuse, where you never feel OK?

I also found this thread, by a woman who hated the idea of a refuge but who made the leap, which might help you.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/936487-For-anyone-desperate-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship-but-reluctant

ScrollingLeaves · 18/06/2021 11:48

“I may consider a refuge I'm just really sceptical about that lifestyle and being alone without my family“

You wouldn’t be alone and you would have support. Your sister didn’t sound supportive as she accused you and doubted your reasons for leaving.

You would have high priority on a waiting list for rented accommodation.

You would get all sorts of advice, including legal advice.

jellybeansforbreakfast · 18/06/2021 11:55

@Gograce

If I was to go the council would I have to explain what happened and why I cant go back
Look. I get it. You are embarrassed, scared, angry, every eother emotion going. But if you do not explain to the council WHY you need them to step in and help you they won't know that you have a real need for housing and other support, including tight confidentiality and any area you won't want to be rehoused to, etc etc

If they do now they can expedite your claim, signpost you to any other services they may have or know about.

WHatver he has done to you is not your shame, it is all his. So head up, take all the support that is out there, starting with the council and WA and their recommendation of a refuge - where you will find a lot of support services on tap.

asmrcomeback · 18/06/2021 12:06

@Gograce

I've not read the full thread, but I've read your replies and the first few pages. Some of the attitudes of people on here who mostly have never been in your situation and likely never will be, are appalling. Hopefully people have been kinder to you since.

I've been in exactly your situation albeit over 15 years ago. Family couldn't have me so I went to a homeless unit. I did go back to my ex. It wasn't good and I ended up having to leave again and do what I should've completed before.

If you really actually want to leave him, it's your only option.

I completely understand your anxiety and need to be settled housing-wise.

The council (and DWP don't get me started on them) - you need to steel yourself and be firm with them and get the right help. I know it's overwhelming, but you can do it, for your child.

  1. You should go through the council homelessness process. It's your only option, or refuge. Both equal probably. They have a duty of care.
  2. Contact as many local welfare rights orgs as you can until you find someone who can help state your case for temp accomm in the local area.
  3. Then apply to housing associations or private rents within what UC will pay and who will take UC (difficult I know but there are some, council may have a list of landlords who'll accept).
  4. You can access help to move in and furnish too in most cases.

I know how hard it is, I honestly do. I felt like a failure etc at the time and (some) people treat you like shit - but the thing is - you are NOT a failure. You are protecting your child and you WILL eventually (likely sooner than you think) have a lovely secure home for you both.

whynotwhatknot · 18/06/2021 12:07

If youre not the poster from the other thread i'll be very surprised

he raped you in front of your child and said he couldnt help it- you cant ever go back to him

Hes done it before he'll do it again

Just phone the refuge/womans aid and go from there

EatCakeBeMerry · 18/06/2021 12:08

UC only take partners earnings into account. You only get rent if on the tenancy but you would get your and the child's element. If your family/ friends can take you in with a contribution from UC and you can afford it take it!

ittakes2 · 18/06/2021 12:27

I am sorry you have to go through this but you will be rehoused quicker if you are technically homeless so please take the advice of others and go through a refuge. Kids pick up on fear and abuse - you don't want that in your live or their's.

IDontReadEyebrows · 18/06/2021 12:33

Don’t worry about telling housing about the abuse if you do go to the council. It will always be confidential, they have a lot of experience and have close links with their local refuge(s).

Hypothetically if your case was ever brought up at a MARAC meeting someone from housing would be in attendance as housing is a huge issue with DV.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 18/06/2021 12:42

Your baby will be taken into care if you do not safeguard them. Allowing them to live with a sexual abuser is not safeguarding them. Besides which, do you really want a child growing up thinking that this is a normal way to be treated by a partner? Your baby deserves that do they? That's the kind of life you want for your child?

jadfiewahnds · 18/06/2021 12:44

@whynotwhatknot

If youre not the poster from the other thread i'll be very surprised

he raped you in front of your child and said he couldnt help it- you cant ever go back to him

Hes done it before he'll do it again

Just phone the refuge/womans aid and go from there

I've just read the other thread, I agree that if you are the same poster OP you should absolutely not go back there. It was chilling to read. Either way please look after yourself and your baby, you both deserve better than this
PearlclutchersInc · 18/06/2021 12:50

Are you completely off your rocker - you do have options, think about them.

You left him for a reason/reasons - remember them. Do you really want to go back to that?

notanothertakeaway · 18/06/2021 12:52

@Gograce

I cant do it. Once I make it real that its. Once i tell someone there is no going back to our normal lives. Once I'm in a refuge I'll be all on my own
In refuge, you wouldn't be on your own. You'd have lots of support. Maybe you could give it a try, even as a trial ? You might find it easier to plan your future if WA can tell you what's available in your area
Pebbledashery · 18/06/2021 13:03

I'd rather be homeless for 6 years than live with my abuser ex... nothing is worth your mental health. Nothing.
You have options - a refuge most definitely, you will be fast tracked through the housing list and will get a good enough place to start again.
Please don't move back in with your abuser.

Lockdownbear · 18/06/2021 13:06

Op please don't go back to your abuser.

I have never been in a hostel but I'd be willing to bet that women who are in hostels are fairly supportive of each other. After all they are all in the same boat trying to escape the abuse they and sometimes children have escaped from. I imagine some will make lifelong friends in hostels.

Speak with Womans Aid, they have been incredibly supportive of my friend who left an abusive relationship.

ScrollingLeaves · 18/06/2021 13:08

It is so important to get to the refuge and to get all the help they can give you. It would also help in the future because they can make you a priority for housing.

Also they can help you find the right legal help should your abusive partner start to want to have time alone with your child etc.

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 18/06/2021 13:09

OP please, please don’t go back to him. I know the refuge or temporary accommodation is potentially a scary prospect but it is the first step to freedom for yourself, and your own front door