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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move back in with my abuser?

303 replies

Gograce · 17/06/2021 21:20

Hear me out. I know on paper the answer is a clear as day no. But I genuinely have no where to go. In less than a weeks time the home I'm living in will be sold. I have no family that can take me and Support me financially. I'm unemployed with a 5 month baby. Before all of this I was living on/off with my partner and receiving uc. If I was to live with my family they would consider their wages and deduct my uc meaning I wouldnt be able to contribute to rent hence why they cant afford to take me. If I live on my own I've been told I can be put in a hostel far away and the last thing I want when feeling so fragile is to be isolated from my family. I've barely seen them since the pandemic as it is. No i dont want to live in a refuge either. My partner isnt a threat or aggressive, he has been sexually abusive. So is my only option is to move back with him? He wants us all back as a happy family. And I dont have the energy to stress anymore. I want to be able to unpack and finally settle someone. My baby and I deserve a home...

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 18/06/2021 02:53

Your family aren't getting any rent from you now. How will they be worse off if you move in for a short period to get back on your feet? It would be much better for you and your child.

Marshmallow91 · 18/06/2021 03:19

What everyone is trying to explain OP is that if, for instance, your mum were to get a 1 bedroom flat of her own.

That's going to cost her, say 500 in rent a month.

If you are there sleeping in the living room for a few weeks, then her rent won't increase. You don't need somewhere different to what your mum is planning, just somewhere safe to be.

MakeMineALarge1 · 18/06/2021 06:04

Go back OP, you know you want to.
You have ignored every single piece of advice here so go back.
Your abuser then knows he has you, he knows no matter what you do you will go back to him. The abuse will continue and it will get worse.
You have a chance now to make it right for your child, do you not want that?

DeathStare · 18/06/2021 06:18

Can some of posters please understand that OPs parents may not be able to afford to rent a place which is large enough for the OP and her DC, especially if the parents are selling their house as they are splitting up

I understand what you are saying. However if my child and grandchild needed a roof over their head to get away from an abuser, as long as I had one they would have one. Even if I lived in a single room with one bed. They would always be welcome to sleep on the floor or in my bed. Even if that went on for months and months.

CleanQueen123 · 18/06/2021 06:24

If you've spoken to Women's Aid and they've told you a refuge would be appropriate then take it.

Refuge places are in such high demand they wouldn't offer it if they didn't think you and your child were at risk.

Refuge is the first step to the rest of your life. It's not forever.

Breastfeedingworries · 18/06/2021 07:24

Everyone it clear by the tone and excuses throughout op replies she is going back to live with their abuser. I could tell by their first message when they put “live as a family” I think the op sounds very young and quite frankly naive of the world. Choosing one option thinking badly of another. When they have no idea what living in a safe refuge would be like, the friends they could make. Not prioritising their own babies safety.

Op I hope you think long and hard about all of this, actually look to what your future would be like. You left this person already and must have had very good reasons. How will you feel in the future if you’re stuck with them unhappy and your baby suffers, all for insta gram dreams of a happy life. It wasn’t like that before and it won’t be like that if you go back.

The refuge or temp emergency accomdation won’t be forever. For your information I live in a council property 15 mins drive from my parents (I have car) I live locally and close to my family and friends. You have no idea what property will come on or where it will be.

You will be excited, your own space, free of abuse, your own home for you and your baby, Christmas easter birthdays safe. You can save and decorate it, it will be yours and safe.

Please do think about long term and listen to those posters that have been through this and made the same mistake you’re about to make.

user1473878824 · 18/06/2021 07:32

@Gograce please read and don’t ignore @FairFuming’s very honest post.

HaplotypeK · 18/06/2021 07:35

@DeathStare

Can some of posters please understand that OPs parents may not be able to afford to rent a place which is large enough for the OP and her DC, especially if the parents are selling their house as they are splitting up

I understand what you are saying. However if my child and grandchild needed a roof over their head to get away from an abuser, as long as I had one they would have one. Even if I lived in a single room with one bed. They would always be welcome to sleep on the floor or in my bed. Even if that went on for months and months.

Indeed. And a refuge is also a perfectly ok option. But I don't think that the purpose of this thread is to find out about her real options.
LIZS · 18/06/2021 07:35

If you won't consider a refuge have you applied to council as homeless? You would get a housing allowance element of UC. Have you reported the abuse?

HoppingPavlova · 18/06/2021 07:44

Unless your parents are each renting a room as lodgers that makes no sense. Otherwise they could have you on the couch in either of their rented accomodation at no extra cost to them whatsoever (you indicate they are each going their separate ways to rented accomodation).

Go to the refuge if your parents are going down the room as lodgers route as opposed to renting themselves. There you will be assisted into other suitable accommodation. Do not go back to your abuser. While you can make bad choices for yourself it’s your job as a mother not to make bad choices for your baby and returning to your abuser would pretty much be top of that list.

GoldenBlue · 18/06/2021 07:48

Go to the refuge if that is what the council offer. It is the road to separate and safe accommodation for you and your baby.

If you go back he will rape you again and at some point there will be violence, probably to your baby as well as you.

You have a choice to protect your child.

You have a responsibility to take it even if it is going to be hard

You're homeless and the council has a duty to house you. Take what they offer and be safe

TurtleBay28 · 18/06/2021 07:53

Sorry if this sounds rude but if your parents are going separate ways to rented accommodation I assume they can afford this themselves without taking money from you?

Why can't they just put you up on the sofa and contact the council.

Wouldn't you get by on your UC if your parents didn't charge you?

notanothertakeaway · 18/06/2021 07:56

@ilovepixie

Stop making excuses. Going back is the easy way out, until he rapes you, or rapes your baby. Do you want that?
@ilovepixie

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you're trying to offer firm advice, but please understand that domestic abuse is really complex. Returning to the abuser is never the "easy way out", but sometimes, to a DA survivor, it can feel like the least worst of several horrible options

TurtleBay28 · 18/06/2021 07:57

@ilovepixie

Stop making excuses. Going back is the easy way out, until he rapes you, or rapes your baby. Do you want that?
This made my stomach churn Sad.
Eviethyme · 18/06/2021 08:01

Go to a refuge and get on the housing list or you will be stuck with a abuser for life and your child will learn bad ways.

Get yourself sorted, your child deserves it. If your not willing to be put into temporary accommodation then your not doing the best by your kid.

You can get yourself on the housing list and get yourself your own place but you need to allow yourself to just go on standby in temporary accommodation for awhile

Eviethyme · 18/06/2021 08:03

Also surely sexual abuse is one of the worse kind to have around a baby... Sexual abusers sometimes tend to have a interest in anything to please there sexual desires...

AliceLivesHere · 18/06/2021 08:08

NO. Think of your BABY.

Get a women's refuge and they will support you.

IF YOU MOVE BACK WITH ABUSER YOU MAY LOSE YOUR BABY

AliceLivesHere · 18/06/2021 08:10

Council for housing as you will be homeless with a baby - they will find you temporary housing.

knittingaddict · 18/06/2021 08:11

@Gograce

My parents cannot afford to house me. I would need to contribute to the rent and as I said I wouldnt get anything for rent living with family. My parents genuinely dont have the money despite their jobs. If they would they could. Living off 600 is not enough to cover both cost of our living whilst paying for food whilst paying for Bill's and rent. For the price of apartments at the moment I would at least need 500 to put on the table. I may consider a refuge I'm just really sceptical about that lifestyle and being alone without my family
Being in a refuge is not a lifestyle choice.

My daughter was in a refuge and, I'm not going to lie, it was quite grim. Although very overstretched, she had access to help, advice and other services.

It appears that you are justifying going back to your ex. Is that true?

Cryalot2 · 18/06/2021 08:12

Maybe you have had a bad experience with a refuge I don't know. Personally I had to stay in one a few days and my experience was it was a lovely safe haven. Down side for me was the form filling when I was barely able to speak for tears. So I would go there. You will get lots of help and support there.Flowers

IDontReadEyebrows · 18/06/2021 08:15

@Gograce

For all those saying to go to my parents I am there now. The house is selling in under a week my parents are going seperate ways to rented accommodations and neither can afford to support me. I have spoken to womans aid they suggested a refuge. I cant imagine doing that
If women’s aid are saying a refuge space is an option then take it. Unfortunately there aren’t enough spaces for all women leaving abusers and in my experience at least it’s done on the basis that you have to tick enough boxes to “qualify”.

I stayed in one once with my children. It was never as bad as I thought it was going to be. I got a lot of help with housing, accessing legal aid to protect me and the kids, counselling for us, benefits, all of it. They were all great and I couldn’t have survived without them and my gold dust refuge place.

I think what you’re doing is minimising the abuse as this is a survival tactic. I’ve done this too. My ex “only” raped me and choked me and never beat me with a hammer for example. It made it easier (in a way) to cope with it if I focused on the terrible, violent stuff he could have done but didn’t, rather than the terrible violent stuff that he did do.

Please for your own sake don’t go back to him. He will be “nice” for a while but once he stops that he will worse than he was before and you will have a harder time if/when you try and leave him again.

ilovepixie · 18/06/2021 08:16

@ilovepixie

Stop making excuses. Going back is the easy way out, until he rapes you, or rapes your baby. Do you want that?
I'm not being mean I'm just spelling out the very worst case scenario to try make the OP more aware.
Purplealienpuke · 18/06/2021 08:24

Just a thought, are you able to take a tenancy WITH one of your parents? Joint tenants? Then your part of rent would be met by universal credit and you would still have money to support yourself and your baby ?

IDontReadEyebrows · 18/06/2021 08:31

@AliceLivesHere

NO. Think of your BABY.

Get a women's refuge and they will support you.

IF YOU MOVE BACK WITH ABUSER YOU MAY LOSE YOUR BABY

This is very true. I know several women who lost custody of their children because in the eyes of social care and the court they weren’t protecting their children from their abuser. I’m not going to get into whether it should have happened but it was devastating and I don’t doubt that every single one of those mums loved their children.
SuperSange · 18/06/2021 08:38

Your poor baby. 😔

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