To move back in with my abuser?

[Gograce]

Hear me out. I know on paper the answer is a clear as day no. But I genuinely have no where to go. In less than a weeks time the home I'm living in will be sold. I have no family that can take me and Support me financially. I'm unemployed with a 5 month baby. Before all of this I was living on/off with my partner and receiving uc. If I was to live with my family they would consider their wages and deduct my uc meaning I wouldnt be able to contribute to rent hence why they cant afford to take me. If I live on my own I've been told I can be put in a hostel far away and the last thing I want when feeling so fragile is to be isolated from my family. I've barely seen them since the pandemic as it is. No i dont want to live in a refuge either. My partner isnt a threat or aggressive, he has been sexually abusive. So is my only option is to move back with him? He wants us all back as a happy family. And I dont have the energy to stress anymore. I want to be able to unpack and finally settle someone. My baby and I deserve a home...

@AliceLivesHere @IDontReadEyebrows how would they know? Why would they take my baby? I havent reported the incident and it only affects me.

A crisis loan can help with a rental deposit.

Ok, so if you go back, what are the likely scenarios?

Dream scenario - he has a personality transplant and you all live happily ever after. This is vanishingly unlikely sweetheart, and you know this.

Realistic best case scenario - you are miserable, but back as a 'family'. A little bit more of you dies inside every time he abuses you, but he doesn't target your child at least. You sacrifice all of your happiness and future. It's utterly depressing,even if your child is oblivious. Which is unlikely, as it's impossible to prevent everything is ok always.

Other reasonably likely scenarios

• the absue will increase, and he will also be violent.
• it may become harder for you to leave again
• some form of abuse will start on your child. Your child is harmed.
• social services become involved, and when they find you are unwilling to leave to protect your child, they are removed from your case as you aren't protecting them.

I'm contrast, leaving is hard, but you've done the first bit and that's great. Hold your nerve, and you can have a future free of abusive, and with the chance of freedom and love.

@Gograce

My parents cannot afford to house me. I would need to contribute to the rent and as I said I wouldnt get anything for rent living with family. My parents genuinely dont have the money despite their jobs. If they would they could. Living off 600 is not enough to cover both cost of our living whilst paying for food whilst paying for Bill's and rent. For the price of apartments at the moment I would at least need 500 to put on the table. I may consider a refuge I'm just really sceptical about that lifestyle and being alone without my family

But surely your parents would be happy with a contribution towards rent and bills, you wont have to cover all of them as if you lived on your own. They arent going to ask you to pay all their rent.

Even if you gave them £50 a week (and I dont think that you would cost them that in electric/water etc) thats £50 they dont have now. It would leave you £350 for food, which is tons for a single person. You will also be getting child benefit. And possibly child maintanance from your ex? Then gives you time to get info from council about deposit guarantee schemes etc, which means you dont have to stump up the money for moving.

That said a refuge will also help you with councelling to help you spot the signs of abusers.

You cant put your child in danger of repeating the patterns by going back into an abusive relationship. Its their future you need to think about here, and teaching them whats safe and healthy.

And a previous poster is correct - they wont take your parents earnings into account for universal credit.

Op do everything first before you do this. Go to a refuge, go to temp accommodation, if you can’t stomach it then as last resort go back but for both your sakes don’t make this your first choice.

Rent is not per person.
If they are going into rented without you, and can't afford to have you live there with them unless you pay rent, how are they going to afford the rent anyway?

I would rather be in a refuse miles away from my family in the short term while working towards getting settled than walk back into a life of being raped and exposing my child to that sort of home life. I'm not saying they would see you being sexually assaulted but kids know when there's abuse. And they learn what relationships are by the ones they grow up with

Hard as it may be to be temporarily far away from family. It is temporary. Going back into a life of abuse in order to avoid a temporary lonely time is a decision you will regret for the rest of your life

[quote Gograce]**@AliceLivesHere* @IDontReadEyebrows* how would they know? Why would they take my baby? I havent reported the incident and it only affects me.[/quote]
But it won’t longterm. Whether you like it or not your child will be affected as they grow up if they grow up with the abuser. My children have both been affected by their father’s abuse and a lot has been done to help them get past it.

Like I said before you’re minimising. It’s not your fault but please stay away from him and get the help you desperately need.

Oh OP this is heartbreaking but you mustn't go back to him. That is the worst option of all. If he is capable of sexually abusing you, who knows what else he might do. It will affect your child. He will break you and your child needs you.

A refuge is a temporary solution. It's not forever but it will give you the time you need to sort something out more permanent, whilst keeping safe. And keeping yourself and your child safe are the absolute most important things you need to do right now. Nothing else matters. The unknown is scary but nothing can be more scary than returning to a man who can hurt you in the way. You are worth so so much more. Please believe that.

[quote Gograce]**@AliceLivesHere* @IDontReadEyebrows* how would they know? Why would they take my baby? I havent reported the incident and it only affects me.[/quote]
It's strange that you've responded to that yet ignored the hundreds of people giving informed, helpful advice.

Very strange.

Sorry but if you're even genuinely considering moving back in with someone who is sexually abusive then social services should absolutely intervene - your child shouldn't be in that environment.

You live in a country where you are fortunate enough to have a safety net, the refuge, and yet you would willingly take your child back to your abuser.

Something doesn't ring right about this thread.

Yes you and your baby deserve a home. Your baby doesn't deserve to live with a sexual abuser, even if you decide you do.

If I was to go the council would I have to explain what happened and why I cant go back

@FinallyFluid maybe what doesn't sit right with this thread to you is that I'm a real person. Who's life has been turned around in a matter of days. Suddenly I'm not with my partner I'm a singalong mum and I'm homeless. I'm scared. Sorry if im not jumping for joy at my options when they all sound very bleak. Im hurting and I'm angry that my ex has done this and consequently my life has turned to this. I'm angry at myself for not having a stable safe home for me and my baby to go to when my family home sells in less than a week.

Can you maybe type out your specific worries about going to the refuge, and then maybe people who have been there can help you with advice about what it's like? A few posters have given their experiences.

So your parents would prefer their daughter to be raped everyday by her abuser, and for their granddaughter to grow up in an abusive household? Your parents clearly do not live in poverty. I’m sure they could scrimp and save if they wanted to protect their child and grandchild.

I've been in a refuge, it was absolutely lovely, and frankly it rubs me up the wrong way that you look down your nose at it.

You have done a very brave thing by leaving. Please don't go back as it will be much harder to try to leave again.

As others have said, go to your local refuge, it will only be temporary and they can help to organise housing and benefits for you to move on. Just imagine a few months from now you'll be settled and safe in your own home, isn't that worth being in a refuge for a while?

A friend of mine did this and is so glad because it meant she could live her life free of abuse and her and her DCs are thriving.

Be strong for your baby, you can do this.

Also if your parents are renting anyway, why do they need rent from you? An extra adult and a baby does not affect the rent, broadband price etc. Surely you could just use your money for food and baby stuff?

@Gograce refuge is stable and safe. Your options might seem bleak now but it's vital you choose the one that will be best in the long term, which in this case is a refuge.

Once you're in refuge you'll have support and a safe place to get yourself together. You'll be on the priority housing list so refuge won't be forever.

I know it seems really scary but move forward with your life. Don't go back. Your baby will thank you when she's older.

@Gograce you're entitled to be angry and scared. That's to be expected after what's happened to you sweetheart. Of course you are afraid.

But you're afraid of the unknown and the refuge rather than being afraid of the known abusive t##t that is your ex.

Tell the council what happened, it will help justify why you need accommodation. It must be clear why you can't be housed with him, so that you are placed appropriately on their list of priorities.

I know that's scary too, but once you've said it you'll be on the path to a better life. If that has to start with a refuge then so be it. You'll be safe there, with support and help towards the next steps to a better life.

Please don't go back to your abuser, you know that rape and abuse is waiting for you there

@FinallyFluid

You live in a country where you are fortunate enough to have a safety net, the refuge, and yet you would willingly take your child back to your abuser.

Something doesn't ring right about this thread.

Report it if you don’t think it’s a legit thread, maybe you’re right about that.

But, unfortunately all the safety nets in the world don’t prevent victims of abuse going back to their abusers. Sometimes over and over again. It’s very, very common. Also as an aside, there are not enough refuge or hostel spaces which just add to the problem.

I can only echo what everyone else has said - please, do not go back.

@Sparklfairy

I've been in a refuge, it was absolutely lovely, and frankly it rubs me up the wrong way that you look down your nose at it.

I pictured all sorts in my head when I thought about refuges before I lived in one to be fair.

@IDontReadEyebrows I came on here for advice. Not to stand trail on whether people think this is legit or not. Why would I make up this hell hole of a life.