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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move back in with my abuser?

303 replies

Gograce · 17/06/2021 21:20

Hear me out. I know on paper the answer is a clear as day no. But I genuinely have no where to go. In less than a weeks time the home I'm living in will be sold. I have no family that can take me and Support me financially. I'm unemployed with a 5 month baby. Before all of this I was living on/off with my partner and receiving uc. If I was to live with my family they would consider their wages and deduct my uc meaning I wouldnt be able to contribute to rent hence why they cant afford to take me. If I live on my own I've been told I can be put in a hostel far away and the last thing I want when feeling so fragile is to be isolated from my family. I've barely seen them since the pandemic as it is. No i dont want to live in a refuge either. My partner isnt a threat or aggressive, he has been sexually abusive. So is my only option is to move back with him? He wants us all back as a happy family. And I dont have the energy to stress anymore. I want to be able to unpack and finally settle someone. My baby and I deserve a home...

OP posts:

Purplealienpuke · 17/06/2021 23:05

Im saddened by your parents attitude tbh.
If you were my daughter money would not be an issue......
However, you are in this situation and you have to think clearly now.
Women's aid are your best option for advice and help.
You have to be safe from your abuser no matter what.
Please don't return to him. There are far better options for you and your baby. 💐

TowelStripes · 17/06/2021 23:05

Why would the rent go up for your parents if you moved in? Bill's may go up slightly but you should be able to cover the small increase. They'll still have the lights and TV on in the evening if you're watching together in one room, and they'll still be using the same oven time for dinner etc. You'll need to contribute to food but that shouldn't be too much UC wouldn't cover it without deductions.

It sounds like excuses. It's only for a few months until you can find somewhere else that isn't with an abuser.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/06/2021 23:09

NO! I've been in this situation and the best solution is a hostel or refuge. You will not be away from your family forever. You can move back later on when you get get houses properly.
If you go back to your abuser your child will grow up to be mentally disturbed like I was having a childhood with an abuser which left me with complex PTSD and a whole lifetime of pain and dysfunction that has affected every aspect of my life.
You also risk having your child taken into care if you are living with an abuser.
You are not thinking clearly.

Original poster

Gograce · 17/06/2021 23:10

I'm sorry I dont think I made it clear. My parents are selling their home. They cant afford to house me as well as sort themselves out ( they are going from mortgage to rent) therefore I would need money to contribute to this rent but I wouldnt get any housing benefits due to their income

Contrary to how it sounds I'm not making excuses and my parents arent horrible people.

OP posts:

Twilow · 17/06/2021 23:12

Have you actually discussed it with them though? Eg not having your own room but sleeping on their couch for example? Honestly, a refuge is the right thing to do for your child and yourself.

Original poster

Gograce · 17/06/2021 23:13

For all those saying to go to my parents I am there now. The house is selling in under a week my parents are going seperate ways to rented accommodations and neither can afford to support me. I have spoken to womans aid they suggested a refuge. I cant imagine doing that

OP posts:

Branleuse · 17/06/2021 23:13

You wont get housed if you move in with him. You need to do the refuge or emergency housing. Its a bit stressful but not as bad as the shit position youll be in if you move back in with him

Twilow · 17/06/2021 23:14

The refuge is a temporary place until you get sorted with accommodation for the long term. You will be safe there.

MellowMelly · 17/06/2021 23:15

Whatever you do, don't move in with the abuser. I did this and it was the greatest mistake of my life.
Have you called your local council and told them your situation? They might be able to offer you emergency accommodation. Tell them that you require the support of your family and they, in most circumstances, should house you locally to your family. Anything is better than moving in with your abuser.

Xmassprout · 17/06/2021 23:16

Do not go back. If he is capable of sexual abuse, what makes you think he won't become abusive in others ways?

Do not expose your baby to someone abusive. What's to stop them abusing your baby? If they can stoop as low as sexual abuse, they are capable of anything. Even if they don't abuse your baby, children pick up on things from a very young age. Don't kid yourself that they won't notice something wrong. Don't let your baby grow up thinking it's an acceptable situation to be in.

Go to a refuge if you need to. I appreciate it must be terrifying. But if you don't do it for yourself, do it for your baby. It won't be forever.

NameyNameyNameChangey · 17/06/2021 23:17

Go into the refuge or the hostel, both are much better options, and will lead on to you being housed more permanently in the future.

Going back will benefit nobody, least of all you or your precious baby.

nimbuscloud · 17/06/2021 23:18

Are you asking for money?

Womencanlift · 17/06/2021 23:18

OP I have a feeling you had another thread a few days ago under a different name. If that was you please do not go back. You don’t deserve that and more importantly your child doesn’t either

Surely you must see that a refuge is a better alternative than that situation.

If that wasn’t your thread then I apologise but my point about a refuge still stands for anyone who is with an abuser

NameyNameyNameChangey · 17/06/2021 23:19

This is maybe a silly question, but have you declared yourself homeless? You have a young child so they definitely have a duty to provide emergency accommodation. It might be shitty at first, but you won't be there forever.

EnfieldRes · 17/06/2021 23:19

Btw you may not even need to go through hostel accom. If you present as homeless to your local council, as a result of fleeing DA they are duty bound to assess your case and provide accommodation while that's being carried out. Speak to Shelter, if you can as some housing law was recently introduced about this (in the last few months) and I can't remember the specifics. Call the council first thing.

PurpleSunrise · 17/06/2021 23:21

I’m afraid you need to do what you need to as a mother and protect your child - this means staying away from your abusive partner. This may be tough but it’s a way forward. Don’t just go back to how things were, as they will only get worse.

17june2021 · 17/06/2021 23:21

If I was to live with my family they would consider their wages and deduct my uc meaning I wouldnt be able to contribute to rent hence why they cant afford to take me.

I don’t think this is correct? You will be assessed based upon being a single adult with a baby even if you live with family…the only time household income is taken into account is when you live with a partner. So eg a 20 year old living with their parents will still get the full standard rate of UC even if their parents earn a decent wage.

However UC doesn’t pay housing costs when you live with friends or family. That goes for anyone, regardless of the family’s level of income. Tbh I think it’s shit of your family to insist on you paying rent/keep when they know you’re fleeing abuse and have a baby. They’re placing you in an even more vulnerable situation as you’re considering returning to your abuser. Just a few weeks would help you.

Doyoumind · 17/06/2021 23:22

You and your baby would be in an extremely vulnerable position if you moved back. Don't. At least give a refuge a try before dismissing the idea. It won't be forever and will give you a chance at a new start. You won't get the chance for that if you go back to him and will be stuck. There are no benefits to going back to him. You will be supported and with people in similar circumstances in a refuge. No one wants to be there but it can be the best place to be.

maddening · 17/06/2021 23:22

So where will your mum be living?

gobbynorthernbird · 17/06/2021 23:22

If you're about to be homeless then you need to speak to your local authority housing provider and any housing associations that you can as a matter of urgency. You may be placed in temporary accommodation for a while, but the council will find you housing.

17june2021 · 17/06/2021 23:23

Also wanted to add that UC have a few options to help you

They can give you an advance which can be up to 100% of a monthly UC payment. You can pay it back in instalments. This means that you may be able to afford a deposit or first month’s rent at a new rental place.

Alternatively there’s the flexible hardship fund but unsure if housing costs are eligible. There’s always your local council though - there’s something called a discretionary housing payment which could work for you.

17june2021 · 17/06/2021 23:25

Obviously once you move and privately rent, you’d be eligible for UC housing costs too.

user1473878824 · 17/06/2021 23:25

“I have spoken to womans aid they suggested a refuge. I cant imagine doing that” @Gograce no one imagines living in a refuge. But this is your chance to get back on your feet and have the life you and your child deserve. Being abused is not that and it will ruin both your lives.

OP it’s so hard, but you seem to be against it because it’s unimaginable. I get that. But being harsh, suck it up. It’s not permanent. Fucking up your child is. You don’t deserve a life being abused.

17june2021 · 17/06/2021 23:27

Yes a refuge is only temporary, it’s definitely not a worst case scenario. It’s better than going back to your abuser.

lotstolose1 · 17/06/2021 23:27

No. Do not put a poor innocent baby in that situation. A refuge is 100% is the better option. Do not do this to your child.

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