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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move back in with my abuser?

303 replies

Gograce · 17/06/2021 21:20

Hear me out. I know on paper the answer is a clear as day no. But I genuinely have no where to go. In less than a weeks time the home I'm living in will be sold. I have no family that can take me and Support me financially. I'm unemployed with a 5 month baby. Before all of this I was living on/off with my partner and receiving uc. If I was to live with my family they would consider their wages and deduct my uc meaning I wouldnt be able to contribute to rent hence why they cant afford to take me. If I live on my own I've been told I can be put in a hostel far away and the last thing I want when feeling so fragile is to be isolated from my family. I've barely seen them since the pandemic as it is. No i dont want to live in a refuge either. My partner isnt a threat or aggressive, he has been sexually abusive. So is my only option is to move back with him? He wants us all back as a happy family. And I dont have the energy to stress anymore. I want to be able to unpack and finally settle someone. My baby and I deserve a home...

OP posts:
17june2021 · 17/06/2021 23:34

Sorry, you would be eligible for a budgeting advance loan (not an advance if you’ve already been paid once by UC)

Just wanted to reiterate too that the refuge is safer for your baby than your ex’s place

ilovepixie · 17/06/2021 23:55

Stop making excuses. Going back is the easy way out, until he rapes you, or rapes your baby. Do you want that?

DaisyDreaming · 17/06/2021 23:59

Please don’t go back, it’s not what’s best for you or your baby. I can’t imagine how scary the idea of a refuge is but it’s only short term and they’re there to support you and help get you back on your feet independently and SAFELY. You and your baby deserve safety and a happy life

Couchbettato · 18/06/2021 00:05

My mum was telling me that it's now policy to house someone in council housing within 2 weeks where possible if they're in a shelter so it really is a short term solution if what she's said is true.

I'm having a terrible time trying to get a council house cos I left my abuser to live with family and would have been in a better position if I went to a shelter.

CandyLeBonBon · 18/06/2021 00:08

@Gograce

For all those saying to go to my parents I am there now. The house is selling in under a week my parents are going seperate ways to rented accommodations and neither can afford to support me. I have spoken to womans aid they suggested a refuge. I cant imagine doing that
Then you will be homeless and will need emergency housing - so do that!

And if your parents are moving to rented accommodation presumably they have already budgeted for that? So how will your presence there cost them any more? I don't understand?

HollowTalk · 18/06/2021 00:10

The sad fact is that once you have a child you have to be stronger than you ever thought you would be. This is your time now to show your strength.

HaplotypeK · 18/06/2021 00:16

If I was to live with my family they would consider their wages and deduct my uc meaning I wouldnt be able to contribute to rent hence why they cant afford to take me.

Other posters have explained that this isn't correct.

And your parents' rent will be the same whether you are there or not.

FairFuming · 18/06/2021 00:20

Op, I'm in a scarily similar situation to you, we had next to nowhere to go after my parents couldn't cope with us there and ended up having to go back but it was awful, I justified it because he was only actually abusive to me not the kids but I started not feeling safe at all so took temporary accommodation and it was actually a flat not a refuge although a bit far away for my support network. However weeks later I found a private rent right near my family and we are going to move in Saturday. I hate the disruption its caused my kids but this will be our new start. If you go back he will make it so much harder for you to leave!

I regretted going back immediately. Please don't make my mistake.

Crazycakelady17 · 18/06/2021 00:36

If they can’t afford to support you how do they plan on paying there rent on their own? Doesn’t make sense don’t go back don’t put your baby in that situation go to a refuge of you need to put your baby first

gobbynorthernbird · 18/06/2021 00:36

Can some of posters please understand that OPs parents may not be able to afford to rent a place which is large enough for the OP and her DC, especially if the parents are selling their house as they are splitting up.

TheTeenageYears · 18/06/2021 00:55

@HaplotypeK

If I was to live with my family they would consider their wages and deduct my uc meaning I wouldnt be able to contribute to rent hence why they cant afford to take me.

Other posters have explained that this isn't correct.

And your parents' rent will be the same whether you are there or not.

The rent won't be the same if an extra bedroom is required
Original poster
Gograce · 18/06/2021 00:55

@gobbynorthernbird thankyou for spelling it out for me. It is not an option they would if they could!

OP posts:
lakesummer · 18/06/2021 01:17

You are homeless and can't safely return with a child to a sexual abuser.
Have you contacted your council housing department yet?

A refuge is a good first step. They will have staff who understand the situation and other women to give you support.

lakesummer · 18/06/2021 01:21

Do your parents really understand what has been going on?

Are they actually okay with you and your child going to live with a rapist?

I understand that the timing is awful and space is very limited but still.

CandyLeBonBon · 18/06/2021 01:37

[quote Gograce]@gobbynorthernbird thankyou for spelling it out for me. It is not an option they would if they could![/quote]
Then you go to the council tell them you will be homeless, and go to a refuge. Those are the only viable options. If you willingly go back to your abuser SS will take the view that you are putting your baby in harm's way.

QueenBee52 · 18/06/2021 01:53

Why are you ignoring The Refuge option?

MinnieJackson · 18/06/2021 01:59

I'm really glad you're with your parents now OP.
When they go into their rented accommodation will the bills be less etc? Which is more atable, mum or dad? Will he know where to find you?
Could they give you a few weeks to save a bit, maybe pay them the CT and rent shortfall of you can?
Are you on the DV programme? Who told you a hostel? Only because I don't think (but may be really wrong!!) that you can't just go to a hostel.and get a bed Flowers

MinnieJackson · 18/06/2021 02:00

So many typos!

Graphista · 18/06/2021 02:03

You say you need not to be isolated from your family but also that there is nobody will take you in? Why is this?

Not sure you have it correct with the effect on UC have you double checked this? NOT with dwp (who can and will lie through their teeth!) I would advise you check with your local councils welfare rights advice dept that's who I use for good benefits advice

Also it would only need to be temporary surely until you find somewhere else?

Also, have you spoken to shelter? They're very good at this stuff too, they can even represent you legally

What is your concern re a refuge? It's a temporary solution and will give you the time, space and support to sort yourself out

They always tell people they could put them in a place far away and you have to put your foot down with the council

I suspected as much, I've been told all sorts of rubbish when I've been homeless.

Please call shelter and welfare advice tomorrow, I strongly suspect they will be a massive help. All is not lost you don't have to move back in with ex.

MinnieJackson · 18/06/2021 02:03

Also agree with @CandyLeBonBon, but please don't go back now, it must have been really hard to go in the first place x

MinnieJackson · 18/06/2021 02:05

How long are you allowed to stay with your parents?

tolerable · 18/06/2021 02:17

please dont go back.
you and your baby do deserve a home. if a refuge is only way do it.please

me4real · 18/06/2021 02:20

If you can go in a refuge then go there for sure.

Then they'll help you get somewhere that's permanent for you.

I've been in hostels/B&B and temporary accom twice and it was OK BTW. The second time I got my home, fairly quickly.

If you went to the council you probably wouldn't be in a B&B or hostel for long, before they put you in a temporary flat/house, which is just your own flat for the duration of any other wait. I think it was about 8 weeks from where you are now that I got my permanent flat, my security. It's 100% worth it. You tend to get quite a lot of choice on the forms about where you want to be housed.

But if you can get a refuge place that's even better, they can help you with all sorts of things.

Please let us know how you get on. xxx

ElizabethTudor · 18/06/2021 02:33

You can’t go back to a sexual abuser. Anything is better than that.
So I’d opt for the refuge option.

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