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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Won't let me on his phone.

194 replies

Chanedname4this · 17/06/2021 19:40

Just wanted some advice to see if I am over reacting or not. This week a situation came up where my phone ran out of battery and I asked my partner of 3 years if I could use his. It wasn't for anything import..just to mindlessly browse the Internet as I was with him as he and his friend did their hobby. He flat out refused. I wouldn't have looked through his phone but this has left me feeling a bit odd...and that maybe he has something to hide? Even his friend said just let her go on your phone because I feel bad we have dragged her along and she has nothing to do. But he refused . I just find it odd that he was do against it. He has never given me a reason not to trust him but right now I'm wonder if he could be hiding something.

OP posts:
Bizawit · 18/06/2021 14:58

@Chanedname4this

Also I wouldn't not have gone through his phone I know for sure that I wouldn't do this as I trusted him. I also wouldn't want someone to look through my chats as there are private stuff between me and my friends like rants about partners, health stuff and other issues .and possible embarrassing tabs open. I would have given him my phone to use though
Sure and I can well beleive this, but he might be wondering what you were looking at and feeling uncomfortable and something might pop up- message from his mum - whatever while you were on it, or you could have innocently happened upon something. Honestly OP, this is just a personal boundary you are not understanding because you don’t share it- fair enough, but so many pp have told you that despite having nothing to hide. this would also make them uncomfortable- like someone asking to borrow their diary. People have diff boundaries and perceptions of personal space that’s all.
1940s · 18/06/2021 15:00

Also friends message me. I have a friend trying to conceive at the moment and she will often ask private advice regarding cervical mucus etc!

I would never ever imagine my husband to proactively delve into my history / open tabs or read my messages. My phone is always available to him for a quick call or a quick look on safari for a restaurant opening time for example.

But sitting for hours on my phone he has a high chance of stumbling very innocently across something that I'd rather him not see / hear from a friend / ruin a surprise / wonder why I sit and watch spot squeezing videos etc ;)

spacegirl123 · 18/06/2021 15:01

I don't think it's odd - he's entitled to his privacy. He may have been looking at porn and doesn't want you to see 🤷‍♀️ I wouldn't go jumping to conclusions straight away, I'm sure it's harmless.

Branleuse · 18/06/2021 15:01

I wouldnt want anyone to use my phone, but if id dragged my partner along to my hobby and they were bored, then Id let them

Sarahseyes · 18/06/2021 15:03

Major red flag. It is shady as hell. His behaviour is so untrustworthy!

Superpanicky · 18/06/2021 15:04

Just ask him, be honest and tell him it’s made you feel like he’s got something to hide and get him to explain exactly what his objections are.

MozambiqueHere · 18/06/2021 15:10

@1940s

Also friends message me. I have a friend trying to conceive at the moment and she will often ask private advice regarding cervical mucus etc!

I would never ever imagine my husband to proactively delve into my history / open tabs or read my messages. My phone is always available to him for a quick call or a quick look on safari for a restaurant opening time for example.

But sitting for hours on my phone he has a high chance of stumbling very innocently across something that I'd rather him not see / hear from a friend / ruin a surprise / wonder why I sit and watch spot squeezing videos etc ;)

Fair enough. I guess because I don't have anything that my husband doesn't know about the accidental discovery thing wouldn't apply to us, but it makes sense. But even then, when she asked why he was so defensive about her using it, why didn't he just say something along those lines? His reaction just makes things look more suspicious when he could have just reassured her so easily if it were just innocent privacy concerns, surely?
EscapeToTheMountains · 18/06/2021 15:17

I don't like loaning my phone, but obviously if my husband asks, I let him borrow it.

I'd be suspicious. I'd tell him how I was feeling and why, then go from there. Even if he's not hiding something he knows you wouldn't like (porn, dating apps, messages to other women), unless he has a very good reason, he's selfish for asking you to come out for his hobby, then refusing to let you use his phone. That's not how I expect to be treated by my partner.

Side issue: I'd stop going with him unless it was something I wanted to do. He can't expect you to sacrifice hours just sitting there being bored if he's not even willing to let you borrow his phone. He sounds quite selfish, tbh!

Bizawit · 18/06/2021 15:20

But even then, when she asked why he was so defensive about her using it, why didn't he just say something along those lines? His reaction just makes things look more suspicious when he could have just reassured her so easily if it were just innocent privacy concerns, surely?

But he did say exactly this. See OP’s previous update:

“I asked him when we got back and he said because its his phone. He said he has nothing to hide but he doesn't want me on there.”

EscapeToTheMountains · 18/06/2021 15:24

Also, if he had a reason to not want you to use his phone, he should've briefly explained it.

A flat "no" with no explanation would feel like a slap in the face, especially in front of a third party. Not nice of him.

UrAWizHarry · 18/06/2021 15:35

@Sarahseyes

Major red flag. It is shady as hell. His behaviour is so untrustworthy!
Is it bollocks.

I've got fuck all to hide but I don't let anyone use my phone. A mix of not wanting anyone snooping on my stupid/harmless messages and not wanting someone else smuging the screen up.

Jigglywobbly · 18/06/2021 15:38

I’m happy for someone to use my phone , I can’t see why your dh would have a problem. I can’t really see him offering any explanation either. Trust your gut

CaptSkippy · 18/06/2021 15:41

@Chanedname4this

I wasn't dragged along. I have said I told him I didn't feel up to it but he asked. We had talked last week about spending some more time together and I get along with his friend..so I said yes when he pushed for me to come. I'm aware I could have said no but I didn't realise they would be body boarding. I thought it would be a chill on the beach with maybe some food? I have no insecurity issues up in this relationship but as I have said this has made me feel strange.
I find it pretty strange he asked you along, but didn't tell you what they were going to be doing and then just left you by yourself on the beach. It's pretty inconsiderate and the opposite of "spending time together".

Your phone probably ran out of batteries because you were bored and that's when yopu asked for his. For him to say no without explanation is, considering the circumtances, in my eyes unacceptable. He didn't owe you the use of his phone, but at that point he did owe you a reason at the very least.

Does he normally take you for granted?

sammylady37 · 18/06/2021 15:49

@Jigglywobbly

I’m happy for someone to use my phone , I can’t see why your dh would have a problem. I can’t really see him offering any explanation either. Trust your gut
Do you realise that not everyone else in the world is of the same mindset as you? And that your view isn’t necessarily right?
sammylady37 · 18/06/2021 15:51

I would get pissed off and withdraw from someone who didn’t accept my perfectly reasonable explanation and kept bringing it up, making me feel like I had done something wrong, and who then announced I was making them feel like they’d done something wrong by going on about repeatedly.

PromisingMiddleagedWoman · 18/06/2021 15:52

I have absolutely nothing suspicious to hide from my husband but I wouldn’t be happy lending him my phone for anything other than making a quick phone call.

We are so linked to our phones nowadays and in a weird way they’re almost like extensions of our brains. Looking at my search history would give someone a pretty good insight into my thoughts and preoccupations and that’s not something I’m comfortable with. Even though there’s nothing dodgy I want to hide at all.

Jigglywobbly · 18/06/2021 15:58

@sammylady37 this is my opinion there are others saying differently throughout the thread. That’s the point - different opinions

Blossomtoes · 18/06/2021 16:01

@sammylady37

I would get pissed off and withdraw from someone who didn’t accept my perfectly reasonable explanation and kept bringing it up, making me feel like I had done something wrong, and who then announced I was making them feel like they’d done something wrong by going on about repeatedly.
This. What’s that well known MN saying? No is a complete sentence but apparently it only works one way for some people.
ilovesooty · 18/06/2021 16:04

He gave you a reason. I'm not surprised he is reacting as he has.

ufucoffee · 18/06/2021 16:19

I wouldn't let my OH use mine in case he read my WhatsApp messages where I call him a stupid twat etc in conversations with friends. He is sometimes but I wouldn't want him to see that.

sammylady37 · 18/06/2021 17:11

[quote Jigglywobbly]@sammylady37 this is my opinion there are others saying differently throughout the thread. That’s the point - different opinions[/quote]
Well, quite, but you state you ‘can’t see why’ the DH would have a problem and urge the op to trust her gut. Seems like there’s no room for acceptance there that he just has a different opinion and boundary to her and you.

Bizawit · 18/06/2021 18:20

@ufucoffee

I wouldn't let my OH use mine in case he read my WhatsApp messages where I call him a stupid twat etc in conversations with friends. He is sometimes but I wouldn't want him to see that.
🤣🤣 love the brutal honesty
fretfulpig · 18/06/2021 18:44

Well phones are very private things, like a diary. I write all my thoughts in mine, and I wouldn't want anyone just idly going through my bad poetry. I also have conversations with people that would be betraying THEIR privacy if I let my partner or anyone else look through them. Are you saying he shouldn't have private things?

Beetlewing · 18/06/2021 18:45

@ufucoffee

I wouldn't let my OH use mine in case he read my WhatsApp messages where I call him a stupid twat etc in conversations with friends. He is sometimes but I wouldn't want him to see that.
Precisely this!
Jigglywobbly · 18/06/2021 18:59

But the op just wanted to use the internet , I don’t expect my dh to use my phone and then start going through my messages or my notes etc ! I trust him not to do that