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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Won't let me on his phone.

194 replies

Chanedname4this · 17/06/2021 19:40

Just wanted some advice to see if I am over reacting or not. This week a situation came up where my phone ran out of battery and I asked my partner of 3 years if I could use his. It wasn't for anything import..just to mindlessly browse the Internet as I was with him as he and his friend did their hobby. He flat out refused. I wouldn't have looked through his phone but this has left me feeling a bit odd...and that maybe he has something to hide? Even his friend said just let her go on your phone because I feel bad we have dragged her along and she has nothing to do. But he refused . I just find it odd that he was do against it. He has never given me a reason not to trust him but right now I'm wonder if he could be hiding something.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 17/06/2021 20:35

@Morgan12

It's because you would see his porn history
FFS.
DulseSeaweed · 17/06/2021 20:36

Some of these reasons are so pretty (battery and YouTube recommendations). She was dragged to a hobby with his friend then had to sit bored for ages. I'd be suspicious too but my husband has always been really open with his phone, as am I.

PurpleyBlue · 17/06/2021 20:42

@Morgan12

It's because you would see his porn history
True
Drivingmeupthewall · 17/06/2021 20:46

Do you know what, my instinct was “he’s definitely hiding something, that’s so suspicious.”

But then I was thinking, I wouldn’t really want my husband to go through my phon, and I don’t have anything to hide. It’s just full of my life and me. All my notes, all my correspondence, all the things I’ve looked up online. Nothing dodgy but just somehow very personal. Maybe it was simply that.

Original poster
Chanedname4this · 17/06/2021 20:48

I didn't want to go. He asked me. I have no problem with him going on my phone. He has never asked. But if a situation came up I would leave him use it. He said to get a powerbank as well but that just annoyed me. I'm aware he has done nothing wrong In the grand scheme of things as it is his phone and his privacy and some of you have given valid reason why he wouldn't let me on there. But I still can't shake this bad feeling I have.

OP posts:
Bodgers · 17/06/2021 20:50

I think @Morgan12 has probably nailed it. Don’t assume he’s having an affair if you don’t have any other reason to.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 17/06/2021 20:51

I never let anyone use my phone.

I mostly just feel a bit funny about someone else seeing my messages as they pop up.

We are allowed to have some private spaces you know.

BluebellsGreenbells · 17/06/2021 20:54

DH phone is paid for via work and he has double security.

We’ve been married 20 years and NO I wouldn’t let him on my phone and I’d rather not go on his.

Nobody forced you along. I’m sure you could entertain yourself in another way.

PurpleyBlue · 17/06/2021 20:54

I mostly just feel a bit funny about someone else seeing my messages as they pop up.

Ah yes I do too, you can't control what someone else says! And I don't like the idea that if someone has messaged me someone else might see it as I wouldn't like it the other way around.

LadyJaye · 17/06/2021 20:56

No.

My OH knows my passcode in an emergency, but I still wouldn't want him using my phone to casually browse.

I don't have anything to hide, but holy shit, I need some privacy in my life (especially given the fact that I've basically had to spend 24/7 with the man for the past 14 months).

SanFrancisco49er · 17/06/2021 21:02

My husband and I would have no issue lending each other our phones because we trust each other to use it just for the purpose we need. I wouldn't go digging around his messages and emails/browsing history and nor would he with mine.

There is also the question of having nothing to hide if your partner does borrow your phone.

If my husband flat out refused to let me use his phone with no explanation, I would have a reasoned chat with him about worrying that it rightly or wrongly does come across as either him not trusting you with his phone or him having something on there he doesn't want you to see. If he could then reassure me and explain, I would leave it. If it is simply that his phone is his private space as some posters have said then I would trust that and leave him to it.

Do you have cause not to trust him? Im guessing something in the way he refused is making you nervous.

sammylady37 · 17/06/2021 21:03

@HavelockVetinari

I'm astonished that so many PPs would have a problem with their OH using their phone. Totally normal if you're not living together or living together but not totally committed etc., but pretty bizarre if you're married!
Eh? Is there something intrinsic about marriage that means you can never again have anything private in your life and neither can your friends or family?

I wouldn’t let anyone mindlessly browse the internet on my phone. I have nothing to hide, but I’m a private person and I respect the privacy of those who contact me.

Aqua55 · 17/06/2021 21:06

Imo someone asking to use my phone is no different to someone asking to read my diary

Globaluser · 17/06/2021 21:18

Porn

StrawberryCreamCake · 17/06/2021 21:20

This is exactly how I found out my ex-husband was cheating on me. I asked to borrow his phone and he wouldn't let me. It just seemed so odd to me that he wouldn't let me borrow it for a bit. So I kept on about it and he eventually admitted it.

I would bring it up with him again and ask him if he's hiding anything

StrawberryCreamCake · 17/06/2021 21:22

And I should add that I had no reason to suspect anything or not trust him prior to that point. I was completely shocked as I had NO idea.

L0bstersLass · 17/06/2021 21:31

@Chanedname4this

There's literally no reason for me not to trust him other than this. I do understand why people wouldn't let their parents go on their phone for various reasons but I would not have gone through his phone. Just looked on mumsnet or YouTube. I can't stop thinking now that maybe he is messaging other women
Have you asked him why he wouldn't lend you his phone? I don't mean did you ask in front of his friend, I mean since then so that you can establish the reason.
Original poster
Chanedname4this · 17/06/2021 21:35

I asked him when we got back and he said because its his phone. He said he has nothing to hide but he doesn't want me on there.

OP posts:
romdowa · 17/06/2021 21:38

For me that would be a 🚩🚩🚩 . If my oh needed my phone for any reason I'd hand it over and same goes for him.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/06/2021 21:38

I wouldn't want someone browsing my phone either and I don't watch porn or have anything dodgy on it. He's got a point about the powerbank- I always have one with me

Movealongmovealong · 17/06/2021 21:39

I'm more confused about why you would go to an even when you didn't want to 'because he asked you' ... do you not have the autonomy to say 'no . I don't fancy that , I will be bored ridged. You go and enjoy - see you later.. ' ...

Movealongmovealong · 17/06/2021 21:44

Also same for me. I'm married. 20 years. I have no access to his phone and he has no access to mine. Of course I would lend it to him in an emergency for a call - whilst I watched ..

A phone is the modern technological equivalent of a diary for a lot of people. It contains your private stuff, messages, photos, notes etc that are no ones business but your own. I would no more let someone browse through my phone than I would my diary.

Original poster
Chanedname4this · 17/06/2021 21:44

I did say this. I was really tired and not in the mood. The hobby was body boarding. They've started learning together. I was sat there with their keys and phones, clothes, wallets etc . Feeling like an absolute plonker.

OP posts:
peboh · 17/06/2021 21:51

I wouldn't allow dh to mindlessly scroll for my phone, if he'd killed the battery on his own. He could use it for a phone call, or text but not to run my own battery down for the sake of his boredom.

LateAtTate · 17/06/2021 21:56

YABU. AS pp mentioned phones contain lots of person things between someone and third parties. I wouldn't feel comfortable giving it to someone for extended periods of time.
And I definitely have things to hide - other people's secrets, told to me, in confidence.
It only takes one accidental click on a message notification for someone to go into messages by mistake - and keep reading....