Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Won't let me on his phone.

194 replies

Chanedname4this · 17/06/2021 19:40

Just wanted some advice to see if I am over reacting or not. This week a situation came up where my phone ran out of battery and I asked my partner of 3 years if I could use his. It wasn't for anything import..just to mindlessly browse the Internet as I was with him as he and his friend did their hobby. He flat out refused. I wouldn't have looked through his phone but this has left me feeling a bit odd...and that maybe he has something to hide? Even his friend said just let her go on your phone because I feel bad we have dragged her along and she has nothing to do. But he refused . I just find it odd that he was do against it. He has never given me a reason not to trust him but right now I'm wonder if he could be hiding something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chanedname4this · 18/06/2021 14:10

OK maybe I am over reacting. I am normally not an insecure or in trusting person. It was his reaction to being asked which surprised me. I know him pretty well and it did surprise me. I didn't demand his phone. I also haven't banged on about it. I've just said that I feel a bit strange about it. I haven't tried to put the Blame on him for my feelings. But me saying I feel odd has triggered him

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 18/06/2021 14:12

I’ve nothing to hide and would have no issue with my DP using my phone to make a call/send a text/check something quickly, but wouldn’t like him mindlessly browsing the internet on my phone. Not sure why.

Notimeforaname · 18/06/2021 14:13

his reaction that surprised me and then how he has avoided me and made me feel like I'm "acting up" where I just want a conversation. If he could just look at me in the eye and say OK my reaction was a bit OTT but my phone is very personal to me and I have nothing to hide..I'm 99% sure I would have just accepted that

I understand you op. It's not a nice feeling. I suppose you have 3 options here...ask him one last time to at least speak with you. Neither of you have actually 'done' anything wrong that we know of here but he has been disrespectful and dismissive towards you.

Try to forget about it and carry on as you were.

Or blank him as he his blanking you.

Notimeforaname · 18/06/2021 14:16

The more you try to speak to him the more he's pushing you away. So you have to ask yourself,what will you stand for ?

Because you feel the way you feel and he is not reassuring you. So you must find somthing within yourself to carry you through this issue or I fear it will eat away at you and you will start to feel paranoid all the time. Sorry op. Its shit the way he's answered you. Hopefully this really is just a big miscommunication

Bluntness100 · 18/06/2021 14:17

I’d not let my husband use my phone and I’d be pissed off if he thought it meant I was cheating. Really pissed off. I’ve nothing to hide but I’ve work stuff, messages wirh friends etc on there and I don’t let anyone use my phone.

I see his point sorry op.

Bizawit · 18/06/2021 14:17

@Chanedname4this

Well this has taken a turn. I have now not seen him for 3 days after he has been ignoring the issue I had. Today he told me this is childish and I don't trust him. That he has done nothing wrong. I said I'm aware you haven't done anything wrong but you haven't even offered me a reason. Or put my worries at ease. No reassurance . He is acting like I'm crazy. I haven't shouted or screamed. Just asked why he was so cagey. But it's all In my head apparently.
Honestly op I don’t blame him. I think YABU and you need to do some apologising damage control.

I wouldn’t want my partner browsing on my phone , and I have absolutely nothing to hide, but it just feels so personal for so many reasons that so many pps have already set out. And I’m sure that my dp (who is very trustworthy and loyal) wouldn’t want me browsing on his, and would say no if I asked, which I wouldn’t. I do understand why you asked because you had nothing to do, but you should have respected his boundary when he said no and you certainly shouldn’t have continued to make an issue of it. I agree with your dp that this has exposed some kind of issue with trust/ insecurity that isn’t very healthy, and I can understand why he is upset about that...

PlanDeRaccordement · 18/06/2021 14:20

I’m the minority who thinks it is not odd. I think you asking to use his phone after you ran yours down to mindlessly ignore him and browse the internet is the odd thing here. Not his refusal. I would have refused too. You obviously have a phone addiction.

Oh, and I have nothing to hide. I hate that statement, it’s like what they said in China “the innocent have nothing to fear” yeah, right. My family learned statements like that are just ploys to guilt trip you into giving up all rights to a private life.

Notimeforaname · 18/06/2021 14:27

think you asking to use his phone after you ran yours down to mindlessly ignore him and browse the internet is the odd thing here
She was minding the keys and phones of her partner and his friend whilst they did an activity. She had been dragged along.

Notimeforaname · 18/06/2021 14:29

She was also in work all day ,ran her battery down. Partner insisted she came out after. It's all in the posts.

dreamingbohemian · 18/06/2021 14:33

Of course he didn't have to share his phone but I think you are right OP that he's being weird about it. As you say, it's the way he said no, not just the saying no, and now being all upset with you?

Why not just explain he's very private with his phone instead of being avoidant and defensive? It would have sorted everything.

sbhydrogen · 18/06/2021 14:34

I would let me DH use my phone to look up something specific, or the actual phone, but I would allow him to mindlessly browse the internet.

I don't want to start getting recommendations for streamers and watches, much like I don't want to ruin his recommendations. Plus it would be annoying to not have my phone for me to mindlessly browse on a whim, and having to ask my DH for my own phone back.

sbhydrogen · 18/06/2021 14:35

I wouldn't allow him to mindlessly browse the internet**

Bizawit · 18/06/2021 14:38

@dreamingbohemian

Of course he didn't have to share his phone but I think you are right OP that he's being weird about it. As you say, it's the way he said no, not just the saying no, and now being all upset with you?

Why not just explain he's very private with his phone instead of being avoidant and defensive? It would have sorted everything.

I think he’s been defensive because he’s annoyed with the OPs behaviour/ reaction (which I sympathise with). I think he’s being avoidant because he feels that some trust/ insecurity issues on OP’s part have been exposed which have made him feel uncomfortable . She crossed his boundaries- avoidance is an understandable response. And he did explain that he’s private with his phone. Op said in a pp that she asked him about it when they got home and he stated that he had nothing to hide, that his phone was just personal and that was all there was to it.
MozambiqueHere · 18/06/2021 14:43

I'm really surprised at the number of people who wouldn't let their own husband use their phone!!

I’d not let my husband use my phone and I’d be pissed off if he thought it meant I was cheating. Really pissed off. I’ve nothing to hide but I’ve work stuff, messages wirh friends etc on there and I don’t let anyone use my phone

But surely he wouldn't be looking at your work stuff or messages to friends or anything. I wouldn't think twice about letting my husband use my phone if his dies or something because I know he wouldn't be looking through my messages or internet history or anything like that anyway.

PlanDeRaccordement · 18/06/2021 14:44

@Notimeforaname

think you asking to use his phone after you ran yours down to mindlessly ignore him and browse the internet is the odd thing here She was minding the keys and phones of her partner and his friend whilst they did an activity. She had been dragged along.
Please. OP is an adult and decided to go to the event, women aren’t “dragged along” to things any more. Maybe she does have insecurity issues, did she just go along with her DP because she didn’t trust him a day out with a friend?
1940s · 18/06/2021 14:47

I'm not hiding anything bad on my phone at all. But maybe a cringe history of the weird things that interest me (nothing strange!!) or confidential conversations with girlfriends that I'd rather not have aired to my husband.
He could look through my phone forensically and find absolutely nothing that would upset him or cause an issue. But my phone usage and browsing and conversations with friends are a private piece of my life and I'd feel awkward.

dreamingbohemian · 18/06/2021 14:47

Yes I agree @MozambiqueHere
I might do a quick look to make sure I didn't have any embarrassing tabs open : ) but I would trust my DH not to go digging through my email or messages or whatever.

I want to keep my privacy but I trust my DH to respect that, I wouldn't think twice about giving him my phone

Original poster
Chanedname4this · 18/06/2021 14:48

I wasn't dragged along. I have said I told him I didn't feel up to it but he asked. We had talked last week about spending some more time together and I get along with his friend..so I said yes when he pushed for me to come. I'm aware I could have said no but I didn't realise they would be body boarding. I thought it would be a chill on the beach with maybe some food? I have no insecurity issues up in this relationship but as I have said this has made me feel strange.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 18/06/2021 14:49

But @1940s would your husband actually search your private stuff?

People on here are acting like sharing your phone is automatically sharing everything on it, but that's only true if your partners are dicks and look into all your stuff

MozambiqueHere · 18/06/2021 14:49

@1940s

I'm not hiding anything bad on my phone at all. But maybe a cringe history of the weird things that interest me (nothing strange!!) or confidential conversations with girlfriends that I'd rather not have aired to my husband. He could look through my phone forensically and find absolutely nothing that would upset him or cause an issue. But my phone usage and browsing and conversations with friends are a private piece of my life and I'd feel awkward.
But if he was sitting around bored somewhere and his phone died and he asked to borrow yours to browse the internet, why would you think he would be looking at your past phone usage/browsing history/ conversations with friends?

I borrow my husband's phone sometimes and haven't once looked through his messages. Why on Earth would I??

Original poster
Chanedname4this · 18/06/2021 14:50

Can I just say before posters make out that I an some sort of paranoid wreck... that I have never asked or gone through his phone before. I did trust him completely . He has his own life/social life which includes days out, holidays, nights out etc with his friends. He doesn't stay over every night and this works for us. I had no reason not to trust him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chanedname4this · 18/06/2021 14:52

Also I wouldn't not have gone through his phone I know for sure that I wouldn't do this as I trusted him. I also wouldn't want someone to look through my chats as there are private stuff between me and my friends like rants about partners, health stuff and other issues .and possible embarrassing tabs open. I would have given him my phone to use though

OP posts:
MozambiqueHere · 18/06/2021 14:54

@Chanedname4this

Can I just say before posters make out that I an some sort of paranoid wreck... that I have never asked or gone through his phone before. I did trust him completely . He has his own life/social life which includes days out, holidays, nights out etc with his friends. He doesn't stay over every night and this works for us. I had no reason not to trust him.
I think you're getting a harsh response here OP (I guess that's AIBU for you).

You went to the beach thinking it'd be to hang out, then got left on your own while they went in the sea. Of course you're gonna be bored and end up using your phone. Nothing unreasonable in asking to use his. Bit weird that he says no, but judging by the replies on here, it's clearly a thing some people feel protective over. Thing is, why didn't he just say that when you asked? If the people on here can so easily explain why they wouldn't let their partner use their phone, why couldn't he?

Bizawit · 18/06/2021 14:55

@Chanedname4this

Can I just say before posters make out that I an some sort of paranoid wreck... that I have never asked or gone through his phone before. I did trust him completely . He has his own life/social life which includes days out, holidays, nights out etc with his friends. He doesn't stay over every night and this works for us. I had no reason not to trust him.
Then you overreacted on this one instance, based on a misunderstanding driven by having different boundaries and you should just apologise for being a bit silly and move on.
1940s · 18/06/2021 14:58

@MozambiqueHere if he wanted to browse on Google and typed in he would see my most recent searches. Recently I've wanted to explore seeing a therapist which feels like a big deal for me. I wouldn't want to him to spot that I've been Googling local therapists. When I'm committed to the idea it's something I will speak to him about. I've also previously googled how to choose the sec of your unborn child (as a friend swears by shettles and I think it's nonsense but wanted to check it out) If DH saw a tab open for 'how to guarantee yourself a boy' he might have feelings bout that. My tabs that may be open on my safari (which would be found by mindless browsing) are a stream of my inner monologue and I don't want to have to be confronted by that from DH.
I've also recently spent time researching a big 40th present for my DH.
As I said. Nothing in my phone that would truly cause any trouble. And if I could ensure all tabs were closed then no problem. But handing my phone over unexpected feels like an invasion into my inner thoughts.