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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Won't let me on his phone.

194 replies

Chanedname4this · 17/06/2021 19:40

Just wanted some advice to see if I am over reacting or not. This week a situation came up where my phone ran out of battery and I asked my partner of 3 years if I could use his. It wasn't for anything import..just to mindlessly browse the Internet as I was with him as he and his friend did their hobby. He flat out refused. I wouldn't have looked through his phone but this has left me feeling a bit odd...and that maybe he has something to hide? Even his friend said just let her go on your phone because I feel bad we have dragged her along and she has nothing to do. But he refused . I just find it odd that he was do against it. He has never given me a reason not to trust him but right now I'm wonder if he could be hiding something.

OP posts:

SpinachAndMushroom · 18/06/2021 09:50

@coogee

And more off topic, dont go late afternoon after work, that’s getting into into shark chomp time .. unless someone else is out deeper then it should be ok.

Or in UK waters where there are no records of people chomped by sharks ever.

Really? Do sharks not like you guys? I thought they chomped everyone everywhere.

Chemenger · 18/06/2021 09:52

It wouldn’t occur to me to use someone else’s phone and I don’t think I would let anyone use mine. If someone wanted something specific I would look it up and then show it to them.

IamnotSethRogan · 18/06/2021 09:57

I wouldn't let my DH use my phone as I've loads of messages between my friends and I venting about how annoying out husbands/girfriends/partners are 🤣 not that he'd be remotely interested in going through my messages.

Also it sounds weird but we live together, have a house together, have children, share everything. My phone is mine (gone a bit gollum like there)

We always let eachother make calls or whatever but I wouldn't like him fucking about on my phone... Especially as he goes on all the click bait!

coogee · 18/06/2021 10:11

I suspect many men (and women) would regard lending someone their phone as something that would be akin to a woman saying "here's my handbag, I think there's a pen in there somewhere, help yourself you'll find it."

Errr… I’ve done exactly that. In fact, I’ve said my phone is in my handbag. Help yourself.

Now I’m curious as to what secrets other people keep in their handbags.

Luna2021 · 18/06/2021 10:11

Whilst it personally wouldn't bother me (my partner using my phone) everyone is entitled to privacy. I think we all probably google odd things that are private (often how I convince myself I have a tumour...).

I absolutely do not think this means that your partner is hiding something.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 18/06/2021 10:15

I had an abusive ex that demanded I handed over my phone for inspection every time they had been drinking or felt suspicious, every relationship since has made my phone a red flag, I have absolutely nothing on there worth commenting on let alone hiding but touch my phone and the relationship just ended right there, I perhaps unhealthily want my own privacy to that degree but Im also the same with the others peoples privacy Id no more touch DP's phone than Id let him touch mine

Nietzschethehiker · 18/06/2021 10:25

Sorry I'm another that my phone is private. I would have no issue handing it over if DP had suspicions or the make a call etc but not for just browsing. I do also think its irritating if someone comes to something and then sits playing on a phone. Why didn't you just say no?

If he was insistent you come for some reason then there is something there. But was there really nothing else to do? Walk along to a cafe ? Have a look around?

I don't think he is hiding anything without anything else in the mix but I would find it annoying if someone came along and just sat on a phone. I'm all for a good scroll session but do it at home , why go with them to do that?

Nietzschethehiker · 18/06/2021 10:26

Ahhh based on your update I take it back. Why was he insisting on you coming?

I take it all back (except the privacy thing) no he was being wierd.

3rdcircle · 18/06/2021 11:45

The people who message me on my phone have done so on the understanding they are messaging me. Letting someone else use my phone is an invasion of their privacy, as well as mine - even if someone doesn't go rooting around in messages, something might flash up when they're using it. Just, no. I'm entitled to some privacy - doesn't means I'm up to no good.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with bodily functions, but you don't invite people into the bathroom when you're using the toilet - some private spaces are normal!

Regarding why you were there in the first place - that sounds like it was always going to be dull for you and fun for him. I would have refused to go!

Blossomtoes · 18/06/2021 11:50

Nobody uses my phone but me. I can’t imagine anyone asking. We’ve been together for 23 years and have never used each others’ phones.

OrangeRug · 18/06/2021 12:43

I wouldn't really want someone mindlessly browsing with my phone either tbh. I google a LOT of random shit and often leave pages open. I don't mean anything bad, but just stuff that might be slightly embarrassing like "I'm worried my husband doesn't fancy me anymore" because I'm paranoid or "I can't get in the mood for sex since having a baby" you get the picture.

As others have pointed out too, you get ads for what people have searched for and private messages from friends or family might pop uo. Sometimes when DH has annoyed me I have a little bitch to my Mum on whatsapp.

Bellyups · 18/06/2021 12:47

I wouldn’t let my husband browse the internet on my phone. I’m not hiding anything sinister.

Original poster

Chanedname4this · 18/06/2021 13:34

Well this has taken a turn. I have now not seen him for 3 days after he has been ignoring the issue I had. Today he told me this is childish and I don't trust him. That he has done nothing wrong. I said I'm aware you haven't done anything wrong but you haven't even offered me a reason. Or put my worries at ease. No reassurance . He is acting like I'm crazy. I haven't shouted or screamed. Just asked why he was so cagey. But it's all In my head apparently.

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 18/06/2021 13:41

This is a very odd reaction from him op. I think I would feep the same as you. How often would you normally see him in any given week? And is he still speaking to you but just ignoring that particular issue? Definitely trying to distance himself from it..

Notimeforaname · 18/06/2021 13:46

Also,dont let him tell you it's all in your head, you only know what you know.
And if he's willing to blank you and call you crazy for a couple of questions you asked, he doesn't respect you.

Original poster

Chanedname4this · 18/06/2021 13:46

Probably 5/6 nights. He avoided the issue at first but when I started bringing it up again he said he can't deal with this..that it's childish.. that I don't trust him and its made him feel different about us? That he has done nothing wrong. It's making me feel like I have done something wrong if that makes sense ?

OP posts:

MiddleParking · 18/06/2021 13:48

I wouldn’t offer you reassurance about wanting to look at my phone and me saying no either, and would be angry at being expected to.

Blossomtoes · 18/06/2021 13:50

@MiddleParking

I wouldn’t offer you reassurance about wanting to look at my phone and me saying no either, and would be angry at being expected to.

Same. Nobody gets to look through my phone. My bloke wouldn’t dream of it. Nor would I.

Notimeforaname · 18/06/2021 13:50

Well I've had this done to me before and it's not uncommon.

If he is up to no good hes trying to make you feel shit about yourself..or like it's you with the problem so you'll leave him alone.

Blanking your partner completely because you dont like the issue at hand,is not how a working partnership goes.

He is avoiding.

If you're worried or insecure about somthing (especially if it was never an issue before) a partner should reassure you. His reaction says a lot.

Notimeforaname · 18/06/2021 13:53

When I say reassurance..I dont mean handing his phone over for you to check! That never helps.

But the fact that he wont speak about it,listen to you and is immediately shutting you down ...is not what a loving partner does and would worry me. It's a very odd reaction .

Original poster

Chanedname4this · 18/06/2021 13:53

It's not just about the phone. It's about the avoiding me and shutting down the communication .

OP posts:

Original poster

Chanedname4this · 18/06/2021 13:56

I wouldn't want him to hand over his phone. I wouldn't go through it and I think if I forced it it would be the end for us. It was his reaction that surprised me and then how he has avoided me and made me feel like I'm "acting up" where I just want a conversation. If he could just look at me in the eye and say OK my reaction was a bit OTT but my phone is very personal to me and I have nothing to hide..I'm 99% sure I would have just accepted that

OP posts:

MiddleParking · 18/06/2021 14:01

But you’re coming at it from the angle that he owes you an explanation/justification/conversation about it. In his position I would feel that you were a bit out of order to have asked, I was right to have said a firm no, and that that should be the end of it. I would be really pissed off if you then tried to push the issue.

Aqua55 · 18/06/2021 14:02

@Chanedname4this

I'd be avoiding you too if you kept banging on about not letting you use my phone

updownroundandround · 18/06/2021 14:09

Sounds like he's got something to hide.

I don't agree that it's 'normal' to flatly refuse to let a trusted partner borrow your phone in the situation you described for ''no reason''

So in my view, he's either a selfish, self absorbed dickhead, or he's got something to hide. ( and I totally recognize that what he wants to hide might not be anything negative e.g he's been looking at surprising you with a weekend away)

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