Aibu to be annoyed at MIL for cleaning my cooker and sink

[Mollie5]

Hiya

My Mil is the housework police, whenever she comes down she always has a complaint to make. Me and DH have a small baby and try our best to keep our house nice and tidy.

The other day his mum came down in the afternoon whilst I had popped to the shop and gave my cooker and sink a thorough clean. I told her there's no need for that and that I keep my kitchen tidy. She got offended saying that she's not interfering and started complaining that I'm making a screw face. She's very good at playing the victim when really she is the one who is constantly nit picking at me.

I'm so annoyed.

You can either look at it as implied criticism or look at it that she is doing you a favour by doing some household jobs.

You have my sympathy.

My dm visited me once and decided that the under sink cupboard needed tidying/re-arranging. It didn’t. She put everything back in different places that didn’t work for me. After she had left, I had to re-rearrange it. Ie more work for me, not less!

It could be that she has an obsessive type personality and cannot control her need to clean?

My MIL is the same, to the point that she gets anxious about all sorts of things that I would find trivial, but upset her.

Please don't go to her house and rearrange things.

You have a husband problem.

Unfortunately you have chosen to have a child with him and have signed up for a life of being disrespected by him and his mother.

Wht you are accepting such disrespectful behaviour is your issue.

Do NOT give up your job.

Your life is probably going to get worse and you may decide being married to a wuss and his mother is not worth it.

Protect yourself OP.

Although I don't have a Mum,and Mil anymore, I would just have ignored any of their prattling around, doing jobs for me when they came over. It's just the way some Mothers are, and they maybe get some satisfaction helping out. If they make comments about your parenting, well this is to be ignored too. As someone else mentioned, make it work for you, Mothers cleaning sinks etc, and you go and sit in the garden whatever.

The problem here is that at first the OP only mentioned the cleaning. If she'd included then the other things the MiL does, there wouldn't have been all this talk of it being nice.

OP you have a DH problem. He's been conditioned to always give in to what Mummy wants. Unless you can get him to change his mind, this is going to keep happening. The context is that she is controlling and expects to have everything and everyone her way. Part of your frustration isn't the cleaning or any other behaviour, it's that DH supports his mother over you. I wish you luck in trying to change him, but after a lifetime of conditioning it won't be easy.

I've just been and thoroughly cleaned my sink

Ooos, posted too soon.

Mollie, YANBU. Given what you've said about your MIL in your other posts, this seems to a PA criticism on you.

YANBU and I would be telling her that she's making you feel uncomfortable in your home and if she can't respect your wishes you will have to either visit at her or in a public place.
I don't agree with this bullshit of letting MIL's do whatever they want. If we wouldn't put up with it from a friend, we shouldn't have to put up with it from ILs.
After I set strong boundaries with my MIL our relationship is SO MUCH BETTER. She actually respects me now.

My MIL does this every time she comes to stay. FIL and DH have words with her at the start of every visit that she’s not to interfere but she can’t help herself. I get home from work to rearranged cupboards etc so I just make a show of putting them back how they were. Last time I hid all the cleaning products and equipment so she went and bought more. I hid them too.

@Notmybloodymonkeys

My MIL does this every time she comes to stay. FIL and DH have words with her at the start of every visit that she’s not to interfere but she can’t help herself. I get home from work to rearranged cupboards etc so I just make a show of putting them back how they were. Last time I hid all the cleaning products and equipment so she went and bought more. I hid them too.

How are you so calm about this? I’d be murderous! Hahaha

I'd expand on this. Give her a list. Point her towards the ironing basket and make sure it's loaded up with duvet covers.

Seriously though. Either put your foot down or ignore it.

Oh, I (half-) wish I had had that problem.
But my own mother, when she visited the two times in first week after my baby arrived, insisted we move baby to kitchen so she and her husband could smoke in the sitting room.
And I once tried to just finish some housework when she visited (still tiny baby), and she never came to my house again, and years later stated that that was the reason 🙄
The "visiting" was the important part... She only lived 8 miles away, but did not drive, so coming to us was an Event 😔 and could not be at all casual. And it never was, after that.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken covid has calmed me! 18 months and a few thousand miles between us has helped massively. Believe me, I’m far from calm when she’s here.

I do understand that you for bd this annoying, and that you feel judged and your territory interfered with.

On the other hand I think she was trying to help. Cleaning a cooker is a horrible job and not one that’s easy to have the tome for especially with a baby.

MIL would turn up with a bottle of bleach, it took quite a lot of conversations/arguments for her to realise that was rude.

There is a difference in being helpful and being judgemental. Helping is only helpful if it actually helps you and is something you want.

Ineedaholidaynow, your post made me laugh. My mum always turned up with Brillo pads and her overall. I never complained.