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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be annoyed at MIL for cleaning my cooker and sink

167 replies

Mollie5 · 17/06/2021 10:44

Hiya

My Mil is the housework police, whenever she comes down she always has a complaint to make. Me and DH have a small baby and try our best to keep our house nice and tidy.

The other day his mum came down in the afternoon whilst I had popped to the shop and gave my cooker and sink a thorough clean. I told her there's no need for that and that I keep my kitchen tidy. She got offended saying that she's not interfering and started complaining that I'm making a screw face. She's very good at playing the victim when really she is the one who is constantly nit picking at me.

I'm so annoyed.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 17/06/2021 10:56

Well I'd be annoyed but still glad someone else had cleaned the oven.

I try to think of this sort of thing as a way some people show love. It's probably not but it gives me a way to manage my expectations of someone I need to maintain a relationship with.

Overdueanamechange · 17/06/2021 10:58

It would be lovely if she offered, along the lines of "do you want me to help", but to do it without asking is a bit pushy.

TeachesOfPeaches · 17/06/2021 10:58

My mum is a clean freak and I used to get extremely stressed trying to clean everything before she came to visit. Now I have it as I like and say 'my house, my rules', if you don't like it then don't come in.

Other option is to give her a list of tasks and let her get on with it.

TheCanyon · 17/06/2021 10:58

Both me and dh were in hospital over the weekend, our neighbours/friends did our housework. Was absolutely delighted. Didn't clean my oven though unfortunately

Melitza · 17/06/2021 10:59

I clean for dd and dil when I'm there, not often lately.
However if I was asked not too then I wouldn't.
With me it's to help because i know they're busy.

My dil would have no hesitation in telling me to f##k off and I would not take offence if I had overstepped the mark.
She is a brilliant dil though and I'm very lucky.

BearOfEasttown · 17/06/2021 10:59

@Mollie5

Hiya

My Mil is the housework police, whenever she comes down she always has a complaint to make. Me and DH have a small baby and try our best to keep our house nice and tidy.

The other day his mum came down in the afternoon whilst I had popped to the shop and gave my cooker and sink a thorough clean. I told her there's no need for that and that I keep my kitchen tidy. She got offended saying that she's not interfering and started complaining that I'm making a screw face. She's very good at playing the victim when really she is the one who is constantly nit picking at me.

I'm so annoyed.

YANBU at all, but you will get a bunch of MILs on here saying you are being unreasonable, and that she is only trying to 'help.'

It's a cheek and an insult to start cleaning someone's house when you're there, without being asked, (or without someone saying they are struggling with the housework and chores, and even then you would bloody ask!) Hmm

Sounds like you don't get on anyway though, and anything she did would annoy you.

But I do agree that it's rude and insulting to do someone housework and cleaning for them without being asked to first. It's basically saying 'your house is a shit-tip.'

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 17/06/2021 10:59

she fits the saying "just helping is the sunny side of just controlling"

YANBU.
I'd hate people interfering against my wishes.
if people ask what they could help with/if I needed help I'm more than happy to give them jobs! 😁
but to do stuff when I'd said no that's out of order.

my mum is obsessed about windows, so when she comes she always ask within hours of arriving "so when can I clean the windows?"🤣 it's an in-joke now and of course I let her & happy for the help.

but your MIL's behavior is not acceptable.

VettiyaIruken · 17/06/2021 11:00

When she's done with the previous posters, send her my way. 😁

If she's doing it to be annoying or judgemental then I'd be forced to play. 😁 Tell her that as she loves to be helpful you've saved this pile of ironing for her and could she deep clean the kitchen and last time when she cleaned the cooker she didn't wipe it off properly so would she mind doing it again and you bought a couple of new cloths for her...

But I'm childish. The sensible thing, as always, is to rise above it and take the advice of posters far more mature than I.

RedMarauder · 17/06/2021 11:00

Has she got a form of anxiety where she has to clean or keep busy?

Regardless give her a list of things to clean when she comes round if she isn't happy about the cleanliness. With a small baby then a toddler you should grab all the help keeping your house clean and your garden done.

When she tries to give her views about child rearing including you going back to work, then repeat like a broken record her views about child rearing are X years out of date* and change the subject.

*X being the age of her youngest child.

Original poster
Mollie5 · 17/06/2021 11:01

The last time she came she started looking through my kitchen cabinets and rearranged my sink area. DH let her in.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/06/2021 11:01

She was definitely passing judgement on your housekeeping, which is rude and annoying.

On the other hand...she cleaned the OVEN. That is a tedious job, and none of the people who have passed judgement on my poor housekeeping have ever done that Sad.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2021 11:01

Aside from your spineless husband, your real problem is you. Tell her very, very clearly that she is no longer allowed to interfere with your home. It's time to get tough. If she has a tantrum, good. Let her. You haven't enforced proper boundaries and she is walking all over you. I have no doubt her motive is not to be the helpful MIL, she's trying to show you up and passive-aggressively put you down.

I told her there's no need for that and that I keep my kitchen tidy. She got offended saying that she's not interfering and started complaining that I'm making a screw face.

Your response should have been that yes she IS interfering and she is NOT to clean anything in your home. You have a voice so use it, and also remind your husband who his wife is and who shares the home with him. It isn't his mother.

Melitza · 17/06/2021 11:04

@Mollie5

The last time she came she started looking through my kitchen cabinets and rearranged my sink area. DH let her in.
Tell her OP. Thinks won't improve unless you're firm. I'm a mil, i wouldn't upset my dil deliberately. She's the mother of my dgs.
moofolk · 17/06/2021 11:04

It sounds like she's trying to help and doesn't know how.

Her suggestions before have been met with your disdain, or at least she can see you don't like her suggestions, and so she's just tried to help in a way she can.

If someone comes and cleans my cooker and sink (it has happened), I am initially a little embarrassed but also see it as that person wanting to contribute in some way.

And who has time to clean out the plug when you've got a newborn?!

Honestly. mil's get a bad press, but they feel awkward and weird too. I find it helps to just assume good intentions and respond in that way.

That way even if it was meant in a passive aggressive way, it hasn't worked to undermine you, and you have a clean kitchen.

BearOfEasttown · 17/06/2021 11:06

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

she fits the saying "just helping is the sunny side of just controlling"

I love this! ^ SOOOO accurate too!!!

Lobelia123 · 17/06/2021 11:07

It would probably get under my skin too because its coming across like a veiled criticism under the guise of 'help', and not a genuine 'Im jumping in to give Mollie a break'.....so maybe pull her behaviour out into the open - passive aggressive moves always lose their power when you are direct! Say (in a lighthearted or joking manner if you are more comfortable with that) 'why are you cleaning my cooker, dont you think its clean enough?' she'll either have to say yes or no. If she tries to sidestep by bleating 'Im only trying to help!' counter with something like, 'but I didnt ask you too. Youre a guest in my home, I want you to sit back and relax' etc etc...if she comes back with 'oh Im not a guest, Im family!' then stick to your guns, say again, ' thank you, I think its lovely that you want to get stuck in, but its my home and Ill take care of the cleaning' etc etc etc!

You take my meaning....think through some scenarios and practice what youll say. It gives control back to you and you'll be reinforcing boundaries that this is your house and she's overstepping. Good fences make good neighbours as they say and no matter what her motivation is - even if they are really kind and good - she's being intrusive and making you feel uncomfortable. Thats not helpful, and you are entitled to feel exactly as you do. She doesnt have a right to step in and take over, or imply that she doesnt like or approve of what she sees.

MeanyJoany · 17/06/2021 11:07

You need to visit her and rearrange her presses and when she says anything say "annoying isn't it"

Think isn't just a cooker/sink thing, she sounds like an all round pain in the ass. What is your husband saying.

Whyhello · 17/06/2021 11:08

My Mother is like this so I dread her visits now, I always get really flappy and try to make sure everything is pristine so she has nothing to pick on. She has been known to open the microwave and pick on the fact I had a splash of food in there before as if any normal person opens another person’s microwave to check whether it’s clean enough Hmm. She’s also picked on specks of dust on the skirting boards behind furniture before… I really can’t be bothered with it so try not to invite her round, covid was a great excuse not to. She has OCD I think, her house is always spotless.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 17/06/2021 11:09

@Mollie5

The last time she came she started looking through my kitchen cabinets and rearranged my sink area. DH let her in.
@Mollie5

you need to talk to your DH and he needs to talk to her to cut this shit out.
I'd be livid if anyone rearranged anything in my house (for reasons beyond the obvious insult).

Her interfering is incredibly rude and fucking insulting.
I'd not put up with this at all. I'd just not let her in the house again, period.

KingdomScrolls · 17/06/2021 11:09

DM looked after DS yesterday she put a wash on and cleaned the kitchen while DS was napping, amazing!

Melitza · 17/06/2021 11:10

Honestly. mil's get a bad press, but they feel awkward and weird too. I find it helps to just assume good intentions and respond in that way

Yes, they do get a bad press.
However on the rare occasion my dh has commented on our dc's housekeeping I always remind him that as long as they're paying their mortgage they can, within reason, do as they wish in their home.
Sometimes us parents need to remember that raising our dc to be independent should be our goal and its time to stand back once that's done.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/06/2021 11:12

I mean I get why you're annoyed but at the same time I'd love if someone cleaned my cooker Grin

Clickbait · 17/06/2021 11:16

I can totally understand why you find this annoying, but honestly, the best thing is to embrace it. Try to stop seeing it as a criticism of you and start thinking it of her trying to to a nice thing.

OP I really, really wish I'd had this advice as a new mum. I was just like you, and looking back I should have taken every offer of help I could!!

Sceptre86 · 17/06/2021 11:16

My mum would do this if she lived nearby but she would cook my dinner first and then clean the cooker. I wouldn't mind. My mil whilst lovely wouldn't think to.

xprincessxjanetx · 17/06/2021 11:18

My DM does this all the time and it has never bothered me. My MIL has passed away but it also wouldn't bother me if she had done it. I am always grateful for it.