Aibu to be annoyed at MIL for cleaning my cooker and sink

[Mollie5]

Hiya

My Mil is the housework police, whenever she comes down she always has a complaint to make. Me and DH have a small baby and try our best to keep our house nice and tidy.

The other day his mum came down in the afternoon whilst I had popped to the shop and gave my cooker and sink a thorough clean. I told her there's no need for that and that I keep my kitchen tidy. She got offended saying that she's not interfering and started complaining that I'm making a screw face. She's very good at playing the victim when really she is the one who is constantly nit picking at me.

I'm so annoyed.

It really knocks my confidence she always has a remark to say about everything and DH says I'm being unreasonable.

Puyu

Send her my way she can clean my kitchen!

I think YABU. I'd imagine she was thought it was kind even if she was a bit misguided and hadn't thought about what it might imply.

Does she want to come round and do mine?

Puyu?

What would her reaction be if you did the same to her? Perhaps you need to ask her this.

This would annoy me. It's like a judgement.

I had something similar from a friend who stayed overnight.

She was never invited back

Oops, sorry clumsy thumbs.

I understand that you're trying to reassure him by saying not everyone has the same presence of mind in a crisis, but please make sure he is allowed to feel hurt and disappointed by his friends' action/inaction. That doesn't mean he can't move past it, just acknowledge his feelings.

And mine!

I think she's being controlling some background to things she does

Always complains about how I am raising my baby
She didn't want me to go back to work after maternity leave
If we have guests to see our new house she goes and shows them around like it's her house
Tells my husband to sell my car when it's mine not his
And plenty more

Ime as a dm /mil if you think generally she is nice I would acknowledge she did it to make your life that little bit easier....
Don't take it as a negative against your cleanliness!
I am a cleaner and I would def be grabbing a cloth !!
Habit!

@HollowTalk when we lived with her for abit she didn't even let me do anything in her kitchen.

Two options..

1. Tell her you find it offensive when she cleans your house when she visits and not to do it in future.... your house = your rules
2. Draw up a list and hand it to her when she comes in. If she is determined to interfere (!) it might as well be something to your benefit.... your house = your rules.

And tell your husband he is to support you in whatever you choose...

My MIL does this too. Last time she came to stay she had scrubbed the already clean kitchen sink while I was in the shower. I know she means well and it’s a nice gesture, but sometimes it feels like she’s suggesting the house isn’t clean enough.

For her it's a control thing, she likes to be incharge of everything and everyone. She even controls her husband.

Is your husband a bit wet? If she's as controlling as your update says, then he should have a word with her.

I think cleaning your oven and sink is not inherently a bad thing. My MIL would occasionally do something like that, and I was incredibly grateful to her for it.

It sounds like the problem is that she’s is critical, and the cleaning is coming with a side order of judgement.

I understand this. It’s annoying. MIL kept trying to tidy up and do my ironing when me and dh first got together. I’m now on my second child and we have three together. At this point I don’t give a shit. I set the ironing board up as soon as she arrives and set her to work. She feels useful and I hate ironing. Make it work for you

I’d find it annoying - however knowing you have a young baby, she may not have been making any judgement at all, just trying to help.

But from what you say she is controlling - so just add this to a list of rules for her (no cleaning my house), limit contact and make sure your DP stands up for you.

I told her there's no need for that and that I keep my kitchen tidy. She got offended saying that she's not interfering and started complaining that I'm making a screw face.

YANBU. This was not with good or helpful intentions. She came round while you were out. Get out of my sink, get out of my kitchen, get out of my house. If she was trying to be helpful she'd have more respect about it & at least say you sit down there with the baby, I'll do a runaround.

Change your goddamn locks OP and stop with an open door policy. She has no boundaries.

You went to the shop…..did she let herself in?
Does she have a key to your house? Get it back ASAP if so.
If you left her in your house to nip out….don’t do that again. She’ll be rummaging through your drawers and opening your post next.

@Palavah

Oops, sorry clumsy thumbs.

I understand that you're trying to reassure him by saying not everyone has the same presence of mind in a crisis, but please make sure he is allowed to feel hurt and disappointed by his friends' action/inaction. That doesn't mean he can't move past it, just acknowledge his feelings.

erm? eh?

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Ime as a dm /mil if you think generally she is nice I would acknowledge she did it to make your life that little bit easier.... Don't take it as a negative against your cleanliness! I am a cleaner and I would def be grabbing a cloth !! Habit!

Please don't do this unless you've been asked to, it can be really hurtful.

My MIL used to do this many moons ago after I'd had my first baby. To be honest I just let her crack on with it. She never sat idle anyway whether at her home or otherwise. Your MIL probably just wants to be helpful and useful. If you object to her just coming in and taking over, can you allocate her some cleaning to do? It's a win win as far as I can see.

I really miss my MIL now and would welcome her popping round to have a good clean

If you feel she’s undermining you and DH doesn’t support you then he’s the issue. Does she have a key(