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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be annoyed at MIL for cleaning my cooker and sink

167 replies

Mollie5 · 17/06/2021 10:44

Hiya

My Mil is the housework police, whenever she comes down she always has a complaint to make. Me and DH have a small baby and try our best to keep our house nice and tidy.

The other day his mum came down in the afternoon whilst I had popped to the shop and gave my cooker and sink a thorough clean. I told her there's no need for that and that I keep my kitchen tidy. She got offended saying that she's not interfering and started complaining that I'm making a screw face. She's very good at playing the victim when really she is the one who is constantly nit picking at me.

I'm so annoyed.

OP posts:
WhenPushComesToShove · 17/06/2021 11:18

Stop being offended and say thank you. I'd love it if someone would come and do mine. This isn't about the cleaning, it's about you feeling undermined. Keep the peace and outline your boundaries very sensitively if you want to enjoy a good future relationship with your MIL. If she's happy cleaning, let her. It saves you a job doesn't it

BearOfEasttown · 17/06/2021 11:20

@moofolk

Honestly. mil's get a bad press, but they feel awkward and weird too. I find it helps to just assume good intentions and respond in that way.

I don't think it's 'good intentions' for a mother-in-law to start cleaning her son and daughter-in-laws house, without being asked or prompted. It's massively inappropriate and rude and presumptuous. And as I said, it's basically saying 'your house is a shit-tip, and you are clearly not capable of looking after your home and family.'

It's not a 'nice gesture' and it's not altruistic, it's bloody rude, and if my MIL had ever done it, I would have told her to get tae fuck.

Fortunately, she has never been so rude and obnoxious as to come and clean my fucking house, without being asked, like I am not capable of doing it myself! Hmm

Oh, and if mother-in-laws get 'bad press,' you have to ask yourself why! They don't get bad press for no reason. Some are lovely - mine is, but some are not so sweet. Some are basically a nightmare, and some are just borderline...

Not awful, but passive-aggressive, micro managers, judgy, feel like they're superior to the daughter-in-law, do NOT like it that some other woman has taken their precious boy (and he loves said new woman more!) and just generally making life a bit uncomfortable for the daughter-in-law.

Let's not pretend that some mother-in-laws are not like this, because they are. I have seen it with quite a number of women I know.

Interestingly, it's only ever the mothers of sons who are the awkward/not-so-pleasant ones. Very rarely is it mothers of daughters.. Interesting........

romdowa · 17/06/2021 11:21

Id have given her a list of other jobs that need doing. 🤣🤣 she soon wouldn't be as keen to clean in future

ISaidDontLickTheBin · 17/06/2021 11:22

@Mollie5

I think she's being controlling some background to things she does

Always complains about how I am raising my baby
She didn't want me to go back to work after maternity leave
If we have guests to see our new house she goes and shows them around like it's her house
Tells my husband to sell my car when it's mine not his
And plenty more

I'd let the cleaning thing go and call her out on all this type of rubbish instead. Pick your battles.
muffb · 17/06/2021 11:22

My MIL does this too, I have to deep clean the house before she comes down so she knows I'm capable of cleaning Grin I don't think she does it to undermine me, but I still think it's a bit rude.

GorekyPark · 17/06/2021 11:22

This reply has been deleted

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khakiandcoral · 17/06/2021 11:30

@Mollie5

It really knocks my confidence she always has a remark to say about everything and DH says I'm being unreasonable.
he's your problem more than your MIL is. He should support YOU, not his mummy! He's got his own child, time to grow up.
khakiandcoral · 17/06/2021 11:30

If we have guests to see our new house she goes and shows them around like it's her house

WHY is she even there?!

Muchasgracias · 17/06/2021 11:31

Make sure your kitchen is in an absolutely filthy state the next time she came over. She is judging you regardless and if she’s going to clean it anyway you might as well make her work Grin

Helenluvsrob · 17/06/2021 11:32

Let her crack on.
My mum used to dust the chair legs 😂. She died in 2015. I think she was the last one to bother to do thrm

BertramLacey · 17/06/2021 11:32

She does sound like a controlling wanker but in the meantime you get a cleaner kitchen. You can't change her but you can take advantage. Personally I'd leave the bathroom in a bit of a state and get her to do that as well.

Hallyup6 · 17/06/2021 11:33

She cleaned your sink ffs. Can't anyone's mother in law do anything nice without being called controlling? This site is so toxic at times.

Muchasgracias · 17/06/2021 11:34

@muffb

My MIL does this too, I have to deep clean the house before she comes down so she knows I'm capable of cleaning Grin I don't think she does it to undermine me, but I still think it's a bit rude.
You do know that you don’t have to?

And that your MIL knows perfectly well you are capable of cleaning without you proving this prairie to every visit?

She has you exactly where she wants you - deep cleaning your house for her DS.

GorekyPark · 17/06/2021 11:34

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Chicchicchicchiclana · 17/06/2021 11:35

Totally yanbu. It is interfering and over-stepping the mark. I don't care if she was only doing it to be helpful - if you want to be helpful you ask. And you don't phrase it like "can I clean your minging sink?" either.

Freshprincess · 17/06/2021 11:35

My exMIL used to do this. It annoyed the absolute fuck out of me.

Literally none of it was helpful. She once rearranged the cupboards to make it easier to reach things (she’s very short, I’m not). Take my washing basket to wash everything in a migraine inducing amount of soap powder. Took my ironing mountain and sorted it all out into piles all over the dining table ready for me to iron. Sometimes it was helpful, but usually not.

ExH would never do anything about it so i ‘borrowed’ her key and never gave it back.

Ironically complained to me once about how interfering her own MIL has been.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 17/06/2021 11:36

Utterly inappropriate use of the word "toxic" there too.

Pinkypink · 17/06/2021 11:37

My mil is a good woman but has ocd and control issues.
She will get up at 5.30 when she's staying with us and reload the dishwasher, clean the sinks and re arrange things. My husband doesn't get bothered by it but sees that it annoys me. I have learnt to let it go and let her do it. I don't thank or comment on it. When she brings it up looking for thanks or comment I absolutely ignore it.
If she wants to waste her time re doing my cleaning I can not be bothered for a power struggle. She means well.
It has nothing to do with you, op and your ability to clean -its her issues.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2021 11:37

@Hallyup6

She cleaned your sink ffs. Can't anyone's mother in law do anything nice without being called controlling? This site is so toxic at times.
Doing something you were asked not to do in someone else's home is not nice. HTH.
MrsMiddleMother · 17/06/2021 11:37

Yanbu I would absolutely hate that. If you had a newborn and she was trying to be genuinely helpful then that would be lovely. But with all the other comments and things she does, it's definitely offensive and I would be firmly telling her not to do it again.

Blossomtoes · 17/06/2021 11:37

Please send her round here, she can clean to her heart’s content. She was trying to do a nice thing for you.

PanamaPattie · 17/06/2021 11:38

I think you are right to be upset. It’s rude, controlling and judgmental. No one needs the Housework Nazi coming to their home with their white gloves, running their fingers over surfaces.

I would probably cut down her visits - or meet her in a cafe. You don’t need the stress of her visits.

SamW98 · 17/06/2021 11:39

You ANBU she's being controlling and judgemental

Ozanj · 17/06/2021 11:41

She’s doing this because you have a young baby. Just say thank you and be a bit more grateful.

khakiandcoral · 17/06/2021 11:43

@Hallyup6

She cleaned your sink ffs. Can't anyone's mother in law do anything nice without being called controlling? This site is so toxic at times.
Would you clean your neighbour or your husband's boss sink if you were invited around?

Show as much respect for your child's partner as you would show anyone else. I

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