Aibu to be annoyed at MIL for cleaning my cooker and sink

[Mollie5]

Hiya

My Mil is the housework police, whenever she comes down she always has a complaint to make. Me and DH have a small baby and try our best to keep our house nice and tidy.

The other day his mum came down in the afternoon whilst I had popped to the shop and gave my cooker and sink a thorough clean. I told her there's no need for that and that I keep my kitchen tidy. She got offended saying that she's not interfering and started complaining that I'm making a screw face. She's very good at playing the victim when really she is the one who is constantly nit picking at me.

I'm so annoyed.

I had a similar MIL, would find fault in anything I hadn't done to her standards. Passive aggressive bully. It got worse once I had DDs too. When you're tired and pulled in extra directions is a great time for abusive twats to ramp up their efforts.

@bringincrazyback

YANBU. I'm amazed some people think this is OK!

OP your MIL sounds extremely challenging As someone whose MIL does similar things I totally get how it makes you feel.

It'd be different if she'd just asked you if you wanted anything doing, but just going ahead and doing it is such an infraction of boundaries imo.

IMO those who are saying things like 'send her over my way' are missing the point and probably don't have a family member who's like this (and possibly haven't read all the OP's posts).

I think those of us saying send her my way are trying to lighten the tone, also give some suggestions on how she might regain control (give her a list/critique her work) I do get how horrible it is to be judged...the thing is that its very hard to change the judgy person, much easier to change our response.

My DM used to comment on dusty skirting boards etc - I said I would have time to be house proud when I retired!

She sounds like Marie from Everybody loves Raymond. Nightmare. You will just have to tell her firmly to butt out, sod your husband and his weak ways.

She sounds controlling and overbearing but cleaning the cooker and sink would be one chore I could totally live without so this particular one wouldn’t rile me too much.

@KatieB55

My DM used to comment on dusty skirting boards etc - I said I would have time to be house proud when I retired!

You should have handed her a duster. I think it’s different when it’s your own mum. Having said that, I wouldn’t dream of interfering in my son’s house and he hasn’t got a partner to piss off.

Threads like this make me so grateful for mine. With your added context you are definitely NBU

When we had our first in those hazy newborn weeks, she'd come round, scope up baby so I could sleep, FIL would take him for a walk in the park and when I finally got myself up and dressed, I'd come down to an immaculate kitchen, hoovered downstairs, meal ready for dinner in the fridge and everything restocked. It was never done with judgement, merely desperate to help us out and allow me time to recover from a traumatic labour and have time to relax.

Even now I'm due number 2 and our toddler is waking in the heat so they're taking him for the weekend (he adores them) so we can catch up on sleep and have some time to ourselves.

My parents are fantastic but a bit older so not quite so hands on. We're so lucky and your MIL just sounds like an awful woman to be around

My mother does that, embarrassing or what! She doesn't have a key so it was when we occasionally left her with the kids. My new house is far closer and when they came to visit she couldn't resist giving the sink a once over, I'm middle aged with adult children! I'm over it though, I let her

It's the presumption that annoys me. We used to live in a London borough where air quality wasn't great. My eczema was triggered by pollen and pollution so I never line dried anything outside. My MIL was told this on one visit but intercepted the wash and hung everything on the line. I had to take it all down and wash it again.

If it's genuinely kind, the offer or action will take into account your preferences. If it doesn't, it's controlling and it's worth having a word. I told DH (we weren't married yet) that he needed to stand up to her if we were going to last the distance. To his credit, he did and we have. MIL and I get on better now.

This isn't about her actually cleaning at all. This is about her overstepping.
You need to call her out on this every time she does it.
"Mary, my cooker is not nor was it dirty. My sink is not nor was it dirty. Stop cleaning my kitchen. It is a clean kitchen. I don't want to fall out with you about this but you're overstepping here and you have to stop".
If she said that you have a 'screw face', I'd have to pull her up on that too - "Mary, you do realise that it was because you overstepped there, that I have developed this 'screw face' as you call it. I never had one before you began to overstep my boundaries. Why don't you just sit down and I'll make us both a nice cup of tea and you stop cleaning things that don't need to be cleaned, eh?"
She does not get to make it out that she is the victim here, she overstepped your boundaries and you need to reassert them and yourself here.
If that doesn't work, go down to visit her in her house and while she is looking after your child, go into the bathroom/kitchen/wherever and start rearranging things. Don't tell her you're doing it, just do it. Then if she kicks off you say "Mary, this feeling that you're having right now because I am rearranging stuff in your kitchen, this anger/frustration/whatever...please remember that feeling when you're visiting me and realise that just as you don't like it when I'm doing stuff in your kitchen, I don't like it or appreciate it when you do the same in my house."

@Mollie5

I think she's being controlling some background to things she does

Always complains about how I am raising my baby
She didn't want me to go back to work after maternity leave
If we have guests to see our new house she goes and shows them around like it's her house
Tells my husband to sell my car when it's mine not his
And plenty more

I'd be annoyed with all those and I'd never do them to my DsIL, if anyone wants to clean my cooker they are welcome and I'll put the kettle on.

It’s not just the judging aspect, it’s the rudeness. You don’t go round to someone else’s house and start cleaning things or tidying and re-arranging the kitchen cupboards Ffs! It doesn’t matter if you’re family. It’s not your home and it’s rude.

I suspect she does it because she still sees your DH (and you, by association) as children. So, just as she tidied your DH’s room when he was 9yrs old, she’s now going to tidy his house.

Your DH needs to tell her to stop. Quite honestly, I wouldnt have her in the house if she was this rude and I’d meet her elsewhere. If your DH won’t act like an adult and tell her, then you’re going to have to. Start mild and increase the firmness/bluntness if needed.

@Ourlady

She sounds like Marie from Everybody loves Raymond. Nightmare. You will just have to tell her firmly to butt out, sod your husband and his weak ways.

Oh yes she is annoying but so is Raymond. When I see the title I always want to shout, "No they don't"

I think the heat is getting to me.

I can see that being annoying. My MIL just makes passive aggressive comments and doesn't help. We aren't super clean and tidy, but when we're tidy enough she still talks/acts like we're living in a foul midden.

You should have handed her a duster. I think it’s different when it’s your own mum. Having said that, I wouldn’t dream of interfering in my son’s house and he hasn’t got a partner to piss off.

It doesn’t necessarily make a difference if it’s your own mum. My DM is much more interfering than my MIL (who can be annoying in other ways). It depends on the relationship that you have with your DM really.

I used to really hate it if either of them tried to ‘take over’ in the kitchen, but, since my health problems over the last couple of years (CFS following pneumonia in April 2019 and then long Covid), I’m much more willing to accept it.

I don't know.

I don't consider the kitchen "mine" so my husband can clean it if he wants to & if he wanted to let his mum clean it that's fine also.

However if she's constantly criticising then that does put a different spin on things.

I understand your annoyance because this kind of thing would have wound me up too when I was younger. However I now try to see the humour in these kinds of things ( embrace the mad wackiness of your fellow humans) and choose my battles - and sometimes I even succeed.
A year or so pre-COVID my husband and I were gently blackmailed by MIL into having her and Australian friends of hers visiting our city to pre dinner drinks and then taking them all out for dinner. I made sure the house was spotless, arranged flowers, made nibbles, mustered the teenager etc. On arrival before her friends, having cast an eye round, she beamed at me approvingly (unusual) and said that she was proud of me (er ok). Before leaving the house for the departing taxi, she insisted on showing the Australian lady round the house and upstairs ...... as I bleated that the taxi was waiting, the Australian lady cast me an appalled and sympathetic look behind MIL’s back as MIL propelled her upstairs ...
I found it very funny actually ( and was relieved that I’d made the beds). She just wanted to show off her son’s house - to no avail as it was clear the couple’s aesthetic was modern architect stuff not Georgian terraces!
I have found that my life has improved immeasurably if I decide what my boundaries are (police them ferociously) and just let anything outside them go. In the early days I made it clear that my ( and husband) word was law when it came to our child raising and time; I decided that I didn’t really care about much else.

P.s. she mentioned about a year later that she was annoyed that the Australian couple hadn’t been back in touch with her .....

Mine did this too. She would be asking for cloths and cleaner and then scrub the outside window sills or just random things I hadn’t even thought of cleaning. Often with comments such as ‘if you did this every week it wouldn’t build up’
I would be so embarrassed and angry. Didn’t ever say anything because I don’t want to cause bad feelings all round. Once when we were on holiday, my FIL came round to drop something by, let himself in and then text us that he has cleaned the toilet whilst there.
Even if it’s meant to help it’s so embarrassing

I was always delighted with any help from the grandparents and prepared to throw a deaf ear to any negative comments. I knew they liked me but were of different generation, stayed at home rather than working, etc. When it came to comments, my mum was the worst!

Absolutely stop feeling criticised, and try to go with the flow. My parents always did housework and gardening when they looked after my children while me and OH worked.
Sometimes it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, like when dad re-enacted the Texas chain saw massacre on my garden 🤣🤣or when mum broke the job through cleaning…all very annoying.
But …we communicated like adults, ironed out any issues, and now they are elderly and frail we are happy to support them. Their 4 grandchildren all adore them too.

Hob not job

Yes I wouldn’t like it either. Tell her you appreciate the offer but would rather do your own housework.

when we lived with her for abit she didn't even let me do anything in her kitchen.

I reckon this is your in.

"You know how I'm not allowed to do anything in your kitchen? The same rule goes for you in my kitchen."

And then just total grey rock. 'No, it's the same rules.'

@MeanyJoany

You need to visit her and rearrange her presses and when she says anything say "annoying isn't it"

Think isn't just a cooker/sink thing, she sounds like an all round pain in the ass. What is your husband saying.

Absolutely this, go to her house, walk into the kitchen and start taking things out of the cupboards and rearrange it how you would like it and what would annoy her the most.

She needs to let go, this is not her house, nor her child. She has no boundaries so you need to put them in place.

If your Dh doesn't understand that then do the same thing to him, start rearranging his stuff around. Ask him how he would feel if someone did this to him at work. He is used to it because this is how he has been raised.