Aibu to be annoyed at MIL for cleaning my cooker and sink

[Mollie5]

Hiya

My Mil is the housework police, whenever she comes down she always has a complaint to make. Me and DH have a small baby and try our best to keep our house nice and tidy.

The other day his mum came down in the afternoon whilst I had popped to the shop and gave my cooker and sink a thorough clean. I told her there's no need for that and that I keep my kitchen tidy. She got offended saying that she's not interfering and started complaining that I'm making a screw face. She's very good at playing the victim when really she is the one who is constantly nit picking at me.

I'm so annoyed.

I would leave a vibrator in the kitchen cupboards 😈. Watch her face when she stumbles on that.

@romdowa

Id have given her a list of other jobs that need doing. 🤣🤣 she soon wouldn't be as keen to clean in future

this absolutely and when she has finished with your house, rent her out...say to your DH "I am popping out, if your mum comes, her work list is here and tell her i wasn't satisfied last time, she must make more of an effort" .....Controlling? ya wanna see controlling?

Nothing wrong with asking "is there anything I can do to be helpful?" otherwise don't touch. It's not difficult.

Exactly 🤣🤣 totally critique her work. Sometimes the only way to quiten people like that is to play them at their own game.

I had a friend like this. She was a housekeeper to aristocracy and had very high standards. She had 4 kids and an IMMACULATE home. She came round once and said "How long is it since you cleaned those windows? It must be at least a month judging by the state of them" . I said "The Windolene is in the cupboard. Feel free. We've only lived here 10 months and I cleaned them then". In your place I'd take advantage of her fetish, and give her jobs to do! At least then you'd be in control!

Yes, it is rude, and condescending. It's a silent judgment on your housekeeping. YANBU at all.

My ex mother in law once rewashed and dried glasses I'd washed, in front of me, without one word. Even if I had made a fucking mess of them, a sensitive and tactful person would have waited until I was out of the room, wouldn't they?

Never forgot that. Toxic femininity.

I think its quite a natural thing to want to help family out wherever you can but this obviously is a massive history of her being controlling. My MIL organised all my kitchen cupboards and batch cooked when I had my second baby and I'm convinced she is a literal angel who walks the earth. But that is our family dynamic.

Actually my adult dc try and book me in to clean most weeks!! And I get paid! Purely business and no insults thrown!

Bloody hell. She did a nice thing. Say Thankyou maybe?

This post Sounds like you also try to be a victim.

Pick your battles. She does sound like a nightmare generally, but save your objections for stuff which would be easy to explain your objection to like the sink reorganising instead of the cooker cleaning which makes you sound weird and ungrateful. Especially if your DH let her in and didn’t tell her not to.

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Actually my adult dc try and book me in to clean most weeks!! And I get paid! Purely business and no insults thrown!

That is a respectful situation, totally not what the op is dealing with.

It's great your kids love your help and excellent for you to get paid!

My MiL used to do this and the first time it bugged me but then I just used to make sure we were stocked up with cleaning supplies.

However all the other stuff I wouldn't have put up with. How does she get in to show friends around your house? Is the problem actually DH rather than MiL?

Be grateful? Really?
There’s a big difference between asking if there’s anything you can do to help and cleaning random bits of the house as DIL isn’t doing it properly.

Ooh I'd leave a lovely pile of washing up, filthy cooker, sink floor etc! Keep her busy next time
Just say I left it all for you seeing as you love doing it so much 😂

Does she like ironing? Cleaning bathrooms? Washing?
I'd honestly leave it all for her to do
I can guarantee she'll stop overnight

I'm surprised how many people think this is okay

Helping to load the dishwasher after a family dinner is helpful (unless somebody asks you not to because they like the dishwasher to be stacked in a particular way)

Cleaning the oven is intrusive and implies it wasn't clean enough

I’d find this hugely invasive.
She needs to understand and respect that it’s your home. She should have asked.

If she's doing these things because she's controlling and criticising your parenting to get a rise out of you, I absolutely would not acknowledge anything she's done. No thank you, no enquiring as to why she's cleaned your oven, no moaning to hubby, nothing. I'd pretend it had never happened. She doesn't deserve your breath. Take away her power.

@User1357

Bloody hell. She did a nice thing. Say Thankyou maybe?

This post Sounds like you also try to be a victim.

what exactly is nice?

Being intrusive, the passive aggressive message that the place wasn't cleaned to the MIL standards...

Rude as hell. Again, would you do the same in your neighbours' house?

@Tangledtresses absolutely agree! Either ignore the woman or give her plenty of jobs to do since she loves them so much.

I would probably be annoyed if it was done in my presence; but when I'm out? I'd be glad of some free cleaning.

Constant criticisms while you are around are another matter.

There is a vast difference between a MIL realising that the parent of a young baby may not be able to keep on top of keeping a house spotless and dust-free, and kindly helps out without judgement, and a MIL who does a audible inspection and is critical on every visit and then demonstrates how superior her cleaning skills are.

My MIL is in the latter category, and she no longer gets invites to some she has upset by her comments.

Looking after a baby is sleep depriving and time consuming. Keeping them fed, clean, safe, and stimulated to help their development are the most important things. Deep cleaning the house so that it’s in show room condition at all times, is not the top priority.

My mil is south East Asian and does this a lot!!!! I don’t even say anything now as it’s not worth the hassle.

Give her a list of jobs to do as she walks through the door.

YANBU. I'm amazed some people think this is OK!

OP your MIL sounds extremely challenging As someone whose MIL does similar things I totally get how it makes you feel.

It'd be different if she'd just asked you if you wanted anything doing, but just going ahead and doing it is such an infraction of boundaries imo.

IMO those who are saying things like 'send her over my way' are missing the point and probably don't have a family member who's like this (and possibly haven't read all the OP's posts).

I absolutely understand.

For everyone who says ‘be grateful’ they have no idea of the particular dynamic you may have.

My MIL (not exaggerating) said passive or active aggressive stuff about our house, the cleanliness etc. It was a control issue. You ONLY tidy someone’s house without asking if you have a sufficiently close relationship.