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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to be annoyed at MIL for cleaning my cooker and sink

167 replies

Mollie5 · 17/06/2021 10:44

Hiya

My Mil is the housework police, whenever she comes down she always has a complaint to make. Me and DH have a small baby and try our best to keep our house nice and tidy.

The other day his mum came down in the afternoon whilst I had popped to the shop and gave my cooker and sink a thorough clean. I told her there's no need for that and that I keep my kitchen tidy. She got offended saying that she's not interfering and started complaining that I'm making a screw face. She's very good at playing the victim when really she is the one who is constantly nit picking at me.

I'm so annoyed.

OP posts:

Muststopeating · 17/06/2021 12:22

I would give my back teeth for someone to pop in and clean my house!!! In fact my MIL and her mum actually did once, whole house... but only because it was coming up for Christmas, we'd just moved in, I had a small baby and they showed up early when I wss out (DH was in) so took it upon themselves to do the thing I was coming home to do. I was sooooo grateful.

My mum is always tidying up something at my house... she is a clean freak and sometimes I stress that she judges me for not being as obsessed with it but mostly I'm glad for the help and I know she does it from a place of love to make my life easier.

If you don't think its love then I would let her crack on (it is free cleaning afterall) but NEVER EVER acknowledge it. I bet that would infuriate her.

Or alternatively, be nice as pie and overdo the gratitude. That way if she is doing it to start a fight then she'll be disappointed and you still get free cleaning.

BlankTimes · 17/06/2021 12:23

To all of you who think the OP should be grateful for her MIL's unasked for "help"

What would you do if any of your family walked into your house and did exactly that, oven and sink cleaning, rearranging your cupboards, sorting your ironing, cleaning windows etc without asking you if you'd like them to do that for you?

Would you really think Oh wow how lovely?

You sure?

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 17/06/2021 12:23

My MIL rearranging my kitchen or cupboards is not being kind.

I wouldn’t do that to a friend, sibling or to my own mother.

bringincrazyback · 17/06/2021 12:25

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Ime as a dm /mil if you think generally she is nice I would acknowledge she did it to make your life that little bit easier.... Don't take it as a negative against your cleanliness! I am a cleaner and I would def be grabbing a cloth !! Habit!

In someone else's house, without being asked to? Just wow.

LemonFantaGin · 17/06/2021 12:26

Take the help, Im sure she is just being helpful, you have a young baby to look after and I hate cleaning my cooker.

PicturesOfLily · 17/06/2021 12:27

I voted YANBU as I think there are ulterior motives here and, even if not, it is insulting. My ILs once stayed to look after our dog whilst we went away and the house was spotless before they arrived (I cleaned my own oven before they arrived etc). They bought extra cleaning products whilst we were away and commented on how they had spent so much time cleaning (their own mess/mess from having a hairy dog in the house). I was actually really upset and angry about it. However, I also have a small baby and my mum regularly comes round and washes up/tidies/makes me something to eat and will happily take a bag of washing to do for me. I really appreciate this as she is genuinely trying to help and not pass any judgment. I think there is a big difference.

JediGnot · 17/06/2021 12:27

@Mollie5

It really knocks my confidence she always has a remark to say about everything and DH says I'm being unreasonable.

Don't let her get to you, she's rude and unreasonable.

I am tempted to say, however, that next time she visits greet her at the door with a mop, bucket, hoover and a list of jobs that she is clearly much better at doing that you are!

viques · 17/06/2021 12:27

What you could try is to take control of the situation, so as soon as she arrives say “oh mil, so pleased you could come, do you mind cleaning the oven/ giving the bathroom a good going over/ washing down the skirting boards/ sorting out the ironing/ getting everything shipshape in the under stairs cupboard”

She might feel very put upon and decide that cleaning your house for you isn’t what she was put on the earth to do after all. Or she might be really happy to be being useful, but at least you are keeping some control (and getting free cleaning done too).

SirenSays · 17/06/2021 12:28

I get all the judgement with none of the help. My family don't get invited over unless I've spent days deep cleaning literally everything.
Next time I'd leave the box of cleaning supplies out and tell her to go wild. Buy her a pair of marigolds for Christmas, maybe she'll get the hint.

viques · 17/06/2021 12:28

Jedi , are we the same person?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/06/2021 12:29

I live with my son and DiL, he is ALWAYS sneaking into my annexe and cleaning the whole thing up, I can't ever find anything.
DiL doesn't "do" cleaning so she just lets him get on with it.
He's driving me nuts. I wish he would clean my car.

YellowFish12 · 17/06/2021 12:31

My mum always cleans my sink when she comes to stay 😂 i keep it clean anyway and the cleaner gets it shiny once a week but mum likes it shiny all the time.

Maybe your MIL could pop over and do my oven?

ARealHoliday · 17/06/2021 12:35

I think all those saying it’s a nice thing to do don’t have a MIL that’s like this. Mine does this, rearranged cupboards to her liking. She doesn’t have a key.
If she asks if you want help cleaning that’s ok, but rearrang and telling you not to work and showing guests around your house is not on. Step back from the contact, how often do you see her?

Tilly9 · 17/06/2021 12:36

I would be happy and ask her to clean my bathrooms too, but perhaps that is a bit much to ask.

Bythemillpond · 17/06/2021 12:41

I think there is a fine line between control and helpfulness.
Otoh the mil who comes around and asks is there anything they can do or sees you tired and tells you to put your feet up and brings you a cup of tea and they will finish off the hoovering is a godsend
The one that comes round and tries to sell your car and cleans your house when you have just nipped to the shops and does it despite being told not to is the mil from Hell

My mother and her sister once let herself into a flat I was living in and cleaned the whole place then spent years after screams
at me that I wasn’t fit to live on my own as I hadn’t polished my skirting boards every week and the place was a mess.
I was working 18 hours per day at the time and used the flat to sleep and have a bath.

It is a control thing and they do it to show you that they can control your environment

I ended up going nc and moving hundreds of miles away. In part to get away from being reminded daily of all the things I had done wrong in the whole of my life and why I was so useless

Blankspace101 · 17/06/2021 12:42

There is no way I’d put up with that.

Bluetrews25 · 17/06/2021 12:43

I hear you, OP.
It was not about cleaning, as the sink and oven were already clean.
It was all about scent-marking her territory.
That is not acceptable.
Can I suggest you send off for or download and print out information about emigrating to Australia? Purely for decorative purposes, you understand.

Dotell · 17/06/2021 12:44

Go and help her with her garden. Rearrange it

Iamnotminterested · 17/06/2021 12:46

What is it with MILs and fucking sinks??

I came home from work once, many years ago to be proudly told by the MIL (they were staying with us for a couple of days), "I've Jiffed your sink!"

At the time I was so incredulous that I just mumbled something and left the room, but I wish I'd had the guts to ask WTF does she think she's doing, coming in to my house and cleaning things? Would I do the same in her house? No I fucking wouldn't, the patronising witch.

Can you tell this still really bugs me?

Cocolapew · 17/06/2021 12:47

My mil used to try to pull stunts like this, it wasn't being helpful and kind, it was judgemental and snide. My house was clean enough for us.
I was around her house one day and trailed my finger actoss her mantelpiece and made an eww face. She never did it again.

Cocolapew · 17/06/2021 12:50

@Iamnotminterested when we were on our honeymoon mil got into our flat, which was originally just mine, and rearranged EVERYTHING, and I mean every cupboard, drawer, item of furniture, in it.
I went off like a volcano.
It was 26 years ago and still boils my piss.

Iamnotminterested · 17/06/2021 12:53

@Cocolapew

OMG, that is unbelievable!

godmum56 · 17/06/2021 12:55

@BlankTimes

To all of you who think the OP should be grateful for her MIL's unasked for "help"

Would you really think Oh wow how lovely?

You sure?

all except re arranging the cupboards....I am a slattern and have no shame :) but seriously I am also 67 and have the hide of a rhino.

iolaus · 17/06/2021 12:57

You know her so are more likely to be able to work out if it's a dig that you don't do it to 'her' standard, if she's genuinely trying to help or if she's bored

I remember once DH's grandmother (who brought him up) was babysitting and scrubbed out the oven while we were out - she said the kids were in bed and she had nothing to do. That was just her

My father used to ring up and ask what room we wanted decorating (qualified painter and decorator but was retired and bored) - because my mum wouldn't let him repaint a room for no reason

5zeds · 17/06/2021 12:58

Sit your husband down and explain to him that NONE of his friends or family are invited to clean, rearrange, or look in any of your cupboards or the kitchen or ANYWHERE in your home. Explain to him that you do NOT agree to living like that and he needs to accept that now. Sit your MIL down and explain to her that she is welcome as a guest in your house but not to clean rearrange or look through your belongings. Explain that you will not be negotiating on this point and that if she’s not happy to respect your home then you are happy to visit her in hers in future.

You hold all the cards here. MIL has misjudged her sphere of influence badly.

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