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Unknown babysitter because DH wants to go out

303 replies

Rosieposie79 · 16/06/2021 11:23

I am not sure if I am being over cautious or whether other mums would think this okay.
I have to go out to a work event this eve - a very rare evening thing that has been in calender for months.
DH decided yesterday that weather was perfect for him to do his sport tonight. We don't have any local family or regular babysitter and without consulting me he has asked neighbours' daughter (in early 20s) to babysit our children (3 & 5). I am sure this girl is lovely but we hardly know her, she has never met our kids and to my knowledge has very little experience of young children. She would need to put them to bed because children would be home from afterschool club just before we both need to leave at 6pm.
Not only do I feel uncomfortable dumping young children with a stranger for bedtime when they would usually expect stories and cuddles with us. But there are also all the activities of bath time when I just feel it needs someone with a bit more experience to do this safely.
I just feel DH is being unreasonable and there will be lots of other opportunities to do his sport. He should just stay and look after kids as agreed.
He is having a big old sulk and thinks I am being overprotective.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

FightingtheFoo · 16/06/2021 12:24

@PixieDust28

Your DH is a dick. His sport takes over the safety of his kids. Wow.

This.

What a dick.
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Laiste · 16/06/2021 12:25

''loosen up'' ?????

Yeah lets loosen up and leave our young kids shut in the house all night with people we don't know from Adam! Hmm

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Oblomov21 · 16/06/2021 12:26

Your anxiety is getting the better of you. Let her come. 20 year old babysitter who lives next door.
Tell the children as soon as you pick them up. Sell it to them, as an exciting new adventure:
"Mummy has to go to a work do, daddy .... Jane from next door ". If you tell them at 3:15 as soon as you pick them up from school by 7 o'clock it will be totally set in their mind and won't be a problem.

If there is God forbid a problem what is the worst case scenario that could possibly happen here? She phones Dh. Not you. And he comes home.

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Blossomtoes · 16/06/2021 12:27

How much experience of young children did you have before you had yours, OP? Skip bath time for once and leave a list of dos and don’ts - a short list. She’s in her 20s, not early teens.

MN never, ever misses an opportunity to malign men, does it?

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DoingItMyself · 16/06/2021 12:28

I wouldn't leave nine year old dgd with a strangerwoman. How ridiculous. Foolhardy.

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Katyy · 16/06/2021 12:28

Just no. Poor kids their too young to be left with a stranger. Tell him to look after his own kids, he’s know about it for ages. Selfish.

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minipie · 16/06/2021 12:28

YANBU. At those ages my DC would have been massively confused and quite upset at being left with a complete stranger (to them) for bath and bedtime. Really not fair on the kids.

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Oblomov21 · 16/06/2021 12:29

End of the world is nigh.

Or. They skip bath time tonight. As a one off. Call the police. And they go straight into their pyjamas, and then 'Jane the babysitter' puts them to bed.

Noone. Died.

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Changemusthappen · 16/06/2021 12:30

Let me guess, your DH wants to go for a bike ride which can be done at any time on any day however he has to do it tonight when and surprise surprise you are at a works do. He has added to your stress and he knows it. I acknowledge what other posters are saying re organising a baby sitter however my bet is that he knows you will be uncomfortable with this. Does he ever look after the children alone?

I hope this isn't causing you extra work with getting the children ready?

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SunshineCake · 16/06/2021 12:30

Your husband is being a dick head. Sulking fgs. I'd look at him completely differently after this so hope his sport is worth it. Nothing precious about not wanting a stranger looking after your kids Hmm. The person might be lovely and competent but what about your kids? They are very little yet expected to be okay with a stranger doing bath, bed, etc. Ridiculous.

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/06/2021 12:30

It's cycling, isn't it.

No YANBU - at those ages, I wouldn't leave my kids with random never-met-before woman, however old she is unless it was an absolute emergency, which this isn't. In another couple of years, maybe - but the 3yo is too young IMO.

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NewlyGranny · 16/06/2021 12:30

Agree with Muststop - DH gives the babysitter his number!

But more broadly, he can play his sport anytime, presumably, and he was all signed up and agreed to be in sole charge. Is he signalling that you must pay for going out by being made uneasy all evening?

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Oblomov21 · 16/06/2021 12:32

"And as a special treat, because Jane is new, (but hopefully she'll be our regular babysitter - sow the seedto dd) but you are a big girl so you can show her ..... so would you like to choose xxx.

And then tomorrow morning, you can tell mummy all about it...."

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3Britnee · 16/06/2021 12:33

@Rosieposie79

I am not sure if I am being over cautious or whether other mums would think this okay.
I have to go out to a work event this eve - a very rare evening thing that has been in calender for months.
DH decided yesterday that weather was perfect for him to do his sport tonight. We don't have any local family or regular babysitter and without consulting me he has asked neighbours' daughter (in early 20s) to babysit our children (3 & 5). I am sure this girl is lovely but we hardly know her, she has never met our kids and to my knowledge has very little experience of young children. She would need to put them to bed because children would be home from afterschool club just before we both need to leave at 6pm.
Not only do I feel uncomfortable dumping young children with a stranger for bedtime when they would usually expect stories and cuddles with us. But there are also all the activities of bath time when I just feel it needs someone with a bit more experience to do this safely.
I just feel DH is being unreasonable and there will be lots of other opportunities to do his sport. He should just stay and look after kids as agreed.
He is having a big old sulk and thinks I am being overprotective.

He's an arsehole. What selfish planet is he on.
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LocalHobo · 16/06/2021 12:34

She is not a stranger, she is a neighbour.
Missing a bath, or a having a quick dip earlier, is not the end of the world,
but mostly this Honestly, there are SO many threads on here about lazy husbands who don't seem to do anything around the house or sorting out childcare and leave it all to their wife. Then on this thread you have a husband who has taken the initiative and sorted out a perfectly reasonable childcare solution and posters are saying he has been underhand and should have consulted his wife!!
Imagine if DH questioned your childcare choices? He is a parent as much as you.

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2bazookas · 16/06/2021 12:35

Plenty of 20 yr olds are perfectly capable of feeding bathing and bedding someone else's babies/toddlers/ children perfectly. But that's not the point.


I would not want my children that age to be bathed and put to bed by any person they had never met before unless it was an absolute redflag emergency ( you and DH in hospital half dead after car crash).

DH has to give up his sports event.

You both need to cultivate a reliable local babysitter and let them get to know your children. But even then, you give them some low-risk practice runs before letting them put the children to bed.

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Ontheroadtorecovery · 16/06/2021 12:35

Wimpeyspread

"YABU to have reached the ages of 3 & 5 and not located a suitable local babysitter for occasions such as this"

I have a 4 and a 6yr old and they have never been looked after by anyone bar my mum and that's quite rare. I would feel the same about somone I didn't know well but like another poster maybe skip bath for once and give it a go then if it's good you may then have someone you can ask for the future

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Lipz · 16/06/2021 12:36

Oh goodness I really don't see the issue here. Isn't this how most people start off with babysitters? Especially those who have no family and friends nearby. You never know, she could be wonderful and you'll end up using her again which will give you some freedom.

I don't understand why they need a bath? Can they not go one night without a bath? Most people just get babysitters to look after the children, they don't ask them to wash the kids. They'll survive one night without a wash.

As for stories, I'm sure she'd be delighted to read to them. They may not want cuddles.

You both really should have thought about this earlier. Your dh should have told you yesterday and you could have arranged the woman to come to the house for half an hour yesterday to get to meet the children. You'll both have to ensure that they are introduced properly when she arrives and not run out the minute she gets there.

There's no reason you and dh can't both have hobbies and things to do at the same time. This is why there's babysitters. Otherwise you'd end up swapping and missing things you both need to go to. You are going to come up against this again and tbh the 1st time is always the worst.

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3Britnee · 16/06/2021 12:39

I can't believe people think this is ok Shock

'Oh children, we're just going to let a random woman bath you tonight. Ignore the pants thing and autonomy shit yeah'

Wtf.

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timeisnotaline · 16/06/2021 12:41

Totally fine leaving a 20 year old with a 3 snd 5 year old. Ask Dh to show you the detailed schedule (his phone number, where medicines are, nappies. their bedtime routine) , buy nice bikkies and show her the tea and coffee.

The bit I would go Hmm at is really does he think children shouldn’t impede his life? Id point out that babysitters are expensive and if he thinks it’s worth it for his sport he had better happily fork out for your things rather than expect you to cover for him. We try and save getting babysitters for when we are going out together.

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queenMab99 · 16/06/2021 12:42

I was in a babysitting circle when my children were young, it worked well, we all baby sat for each other, earning and spending credits. It all worked well until I baby sat for a new member, her children were very young, all under 5, and would be already asleep when I arrived. All went well until the 4 year old woke up, and had not been told that there would be a baby sitter! He was screaming at the top of the stairs at the sight of a stranger in his house, which woke the 2 year old, who wasn't really bothered, and the baby. There was no number to call and the parents didn't arrive home until 2am, when they had promised to be home by 11.0 at the latest.

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CarnationCat · 16/06/2021 12:42

I wouldn't be happy about this. The bath time and the fact that your children have never met this woman takes it all a step too far.

I must have been about 14 and my neighbour was having a big family function. He asked me to look after his grandson who was I think about 2. The looking after consisted of me walking across the road, waiting downstairs while his mum read to him and put him to bed and then I sat there downstairs for two hours while they were all out. My mum came and checked on me and that was it. The toddler didn't make a sound and I think he slept like this every night so it would be a case of me just being there in case he woke up.

Is there no way that this could be the arrangement? You or DH put the children to bed and the woman just needs to be there to soothe the children if they wake up. I'm not sure tbh that I would still be comfortable with this but plenty of people would be.

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CarnationCat · 16/06/2021 12:43

I don't think you should even be discussing this anyway. Your DH is selfish and could do his cycling any night. I would have thought it would be a nice thing for him to spend some time with the children on his own.

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edwinbear · 16/06/2021 12:43

YANBU. You're working at an event that has been in the calendar for a long time, presumably you discussed this event with your DH before committing to it and he agreed he'd look after the DC.

Now he's changed the goalposts completely to play sport (my money is on golf, not cycling, but could be either) and to facilitate that, he's palming your DC off on a virtual stranger? I'd be furious too.

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rachelstriffle · 16/06/2021 12:44

YABU

reverse it. Dad has to work, mum wants to go to the gym or meet friends and call a babysitter. The NEIGHBOURS daughter, of all people.

Dad throwing a tantrum because it's unacceptable to him, and wifey must stay home and look after her own kids, because that's what a good mother does, instead of "abandoning the children".

See how ridiculous this sounds?

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