Unknown babysitter because DH wants to go out

[Rosieposie79]

I am not sure if I am being over cautious or whether other mums would think this okay.
I have to go out to a work event this eve - a very rare evening thing that has been in calender for months.
DH decided yesterday that weather was perfect for him to do his sport tonight. We don't have any local family or regular babysitter and without consulting me he has asked neighbours' daughter (in early 20s) to babysit our children (3 & 5). I am sure this girl is lovely but we hardly know her, she has never met our kids and to my knowledge has very little experience of young children. She would need to put them to bed because children would be home from afterschool club just before we both need to leave at 6pm.
Not only do I feel uncomfortable dumping young children with a stranger for bedtime when they would usually expect stories and cuddles with us. But there are also all the activities of bath time when I just feel it needs someone with a bit more experience to do this safely.
I just feel DH is being unreasonable and there will be lots of other opportunities to do his sport. He should just stay and look after kids as agreed.
He is having a big old sulk and thinks I am being overprotective.

[notalwaysalondoner]

I don’t think it’s the person he’s picked that’s the issue, it’s the way he just did it without a discussion. But you do need to find someone locally for childcare, it’s also not fair on your DH that he has no way to go out at the same time as you when your kids are 3 & 5. Why don’t you ask him to skip it this time but instead have the girl over, understand her experience, and then do a test babysit another time when you both go out together? And I agree you don’t need much experience to bath and babysit small children, so if she seems nice I wouldn’t worry. Also people need to get experience from somewhere, all my childcare experience prior to having my own was from babysitting with one family down the road from the ages of 16-18.

[Sceptre86]

My children are the same age and I would not be ok with this. You have a rare work event, so why does he need to do his sport on the same day? It sounds like a convenient exercise to get out of doing bath and bedtime himself. Yes the babysitter could forego the kids having a bath, won't kill them for one night but it is the lack of discussion that would bother me.

[Liverbird77]

@romdowa I've reversed the scenario in my head, with the man being critical of a woman who chooses a young, inexperienced babysitter so she can go and do her sport and my reaction would be exactly the same!

[PassionfruitOrangeGuava]

Amazed that some posters would be perfectly okay with leaving their kids with a total stranger, just because she's female and lives next door. She could be anyone, there are so many characteristics that would make her unsuitable to care for them, you don't know if she has any childcare experience. Being a woman and living in close proximity seems to be the only factors that matter to some people when it comes to who they leave their kids with.

[Whyhello]

YANBU at all, your DH is being incredibly selfish. It’s more than ok to use a babysitter you don’t know but most people use websites like sitters.com so at least you know they’re DBS checked. Getting some random person you barely know to do it is very 90s and isn’t really the done thing now. He knows you had this event and has known for months, it’s his night to care for your DC and he just needs to get on with it.

[Ducksurprise]

I don't think you are bu and wouldn't let my older children be babysat by someone they had never met before.
Is he often left in sole charge of them

[Bizawit]

@Clickbait

Honestly, there are SO many threads on here about lazy husbands who don't seem to do anything around the house or sorting out childcare and leave it all to their wife. Then on this thread you have a husband who has taken the initiative and sorted out a perfectly reasonable childcare solution and posters are saying he has been underhand and should have consulted his wife!!

😱😱. Orrrrrrrr he could just look after his own children as agreed. And skip his sport for one evening .

MRAs out in full force today 🤣🤣

[FightingtheFoo]

@PassionfruitOrangeGuava

Amazed that some posters would be perfectly okay with leaving their kids with a total stranger, just because she's female and lives next door. She could be anyone, there are so many characteristics that would make her unsuitable to care for them, you don't know if she has any childcare experience. Being a woman and living in close proximity seems to be the only factors that matter to some people when it comes to who they leave their kids with.

Incredibly sexist isn't it? Imagine if it were a 20 year old male neighbour OP had never met before - would PP be OK with that?

A vagina isn't a DBS certificate.

[579qkghs]

To me that seems nuts. Your kids have never met her and she'll suddenly be foisted onto them. She's probably lovely but they are little kids and they dont know her. Am really surprised that your DH even considered it. Yes, you need to figure out a babysitter and maybe she can even do it in the future, but the idea that you can just get a total stranger to look after your little kids is totally unreasonable

[Mimilondon39]

I am really shocked by the few people that have said it's fine. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving young kids like this with a stranger they have never met before. Plus when I was 20 I wouldn't have had a clue what to do if a child choked! Please listen to your gut and tell your husband that he needs to stay home and he can go out ANY other night to do his sport.

[rachelstriffle]

Back in the real world, people employ babysitter chosen by recommendation, friends, neighbours...

Only on MN planet must a babysitter meet the children in advance?!

If this thread was reversed, posters would be outraged at the husband expecting for his wife to stay home when he's out.

[AntsInPenzance]

@PixieDust28

Your DH is a dick. His sport takes over the safety of his kids. Wow.

Clearly a work do also takes over the safety of the kids if that's the way you're going to look at it.

Is an evening out for drinks with work colleagues really any more important?

[Yaya26]

I'm sorry but this to me would be a huge "No way". You don't know her. Your kids don't know her. They shouldn't be dumped with them especially not at bedtime when they should feel safe and reassured. As someone who was sexually and physically abused as a child there's no way in hell anyone other myself or dh (or in exceptional circumstances grandmother/ childminder who has looked after my kids for 8 years)will be bathing showering my children. Tell your selfish DH tough - he can go another night. If he refused I personally wouldn't go. I speak as someone who also has next to zero support outside working hours childcare.

[ellielucas]

without my approve big no no no for my husband to do this. he should talk to you before leave kids with starnger

[PassionfruitOrangeGuava]

@FightingtheFoo

That was one of my first thoughts too.

Getting to know the neighbour's daughter over a period of time, seeing her with the kids, different story. Leaving a complete stranger to care for them (which would likely unsettle them too considering they're being bathed and put to bed by her!) and thinking it's fine because she's female is just nuts beyond belief.

I think people with kids forget what a learning curve it is to take care of small children. As a parent you get acclimatised to it over time as they grow up. But it IS a skill and something that you learn. I'd want to know she had a DBS, knew how to help if they choked on something, was sensible and knew their routine. Heck, lots of people don't realise how dangerous it is to leave kids unattended in the bath if it's just for a minute. What will she do if they refuse to go to bed or won't stop crying for their parents?

This is just so strange.

[rachelstriffle]

If it bothers you so much, YOU stay home. You don't demand that your partner gives up his plans.

[PassionfruitOrangeGuava]

@AntsInPenzance

Stop being deliberately obtuse. OP had her event planned first with the agreement DH would be with the kids. If he'd planned an evening of sport first then OP decided that she was going to an event and did this it'd be just as bad.

[rachelstriffle]

Is an evening out for drinks with work colleagues really any more important?

Of course not, but MN loves to shout against husbands, mothers can't do anything wrong.

Post the same thread in reverse and you'll have completely different answers.

[FightingtheFoo]

And for those that think it's Ok, you can read this Humans of NY series (it runs over about 6 Insta posts, starting with this one) about a child who was left with strangers to babysit him and his sister and was thrown against a wall and left disabled: https://www.instagram.com/p/COIaGsbnxxq/?utmmedium=copyy_link

Don't leave your child with a stranger. Even if said stranger has a vagina.

[FourTeaFallOut]

If it bothers you so much, YOU stay home.

It's all about the HOBBIES, op! Fuck your long standing work arrangement and the well being of the children. Man has HOBBIES.

[Anotheruser02]

Plus when I was 20 I wouldn't have had a clue what to do if a child choked!

That's just silly reasoning, most young people are not stupid. 20 year olds are not unsuitable babysitters.

[FightingtheFoo]

@rachelstriffle

Is an evening out for drinks with work colleagues really any more important?

Of course not, but MN loves to shout against husbands, mothers can't do anything wrong.

Post the same thread in reverse and you'll have completely different answers.

Except her drinks have been in the diary for ages?

[Yaya26]

I meant to say I trust no one even if they appear like Mother Teresa. Abusers/psychos don't necessarily come looking like a sleazy old man or someone you would have any doubts about.

[Justwantanewname]

There is not a chance I would leave my 5 and 3 year olds to be put to bed by someone they’ve never met before. DH is being incredibly selfish.

[rachelstriffle]

@FourTeaFallOut

If it bothers you so much, YOU stay home.

It's all about the HOBBIES, op! Fuck your long standing work arrangement and the well being of the children. Man has HOBBIES.

so mothers are not allowed HOBBIES then?

Dad works, mother MUST stay home and have no life? Mothers must be a martyr for the "well being" of the children?

It's 2021 you know.