Unknown babysitter because DH wants to go out

[Rosieposie79]

I am not sure if I am being over cautious or whether other mums would think this okay.
I have to go out to a work event this eve - a very rare evening thing that has been in calender for months.
DH decided yesterday that weather was perfect for him to do his sport tonight. We don't have any local family or regular babysitter and without consulting me he has asked neighbours' daughter (in early 20s) to babysit our children (3 & 5). I am sure this girl is lovely but we hardly know her, she has never met our kids and to my knowledge has very little experience of young children. She would need to put them to bed because children would be home from afterschool club just before we both need to leave at 6pm.
Not only do I feel uncomfortable dumping young children with a stranger for bedtime when they would usually expect stories and cuddles with us. But there are also all the activities of bath time when I just feel it needs someone with a bit more experience to do this safely.
I just feel DH is being unreasonable and there will be lots of other opportunities to do his sport. He should just stay and look after kids as agreed.
He is having a big old sulk and thinks I am being overprotective.

@khakiandcoral

Bizawit

I did babysitting since I was 14, and it's the only job I had (aside summer months) when I was at Uni - basically paid to study, ideal for a broke student

I did meet children from any age, much younger than 3.
Never had a problem with any of them. I would have called the parents if someone had been so upset!

The one person who is usually stressed about leaving the child for the very first time is the mother in my (limited) experience.

Ok well I’ll have to take your word for it.

I haven’t personally left my toddler with a complete stranger to put her to bed, but I have left my toddler at nursery or a childminders for example- and she has often been stressed/ upset by the separation, especially if a less familiar nursery worker comes to pick her up. Over time as she got more familiar with nursery staff she became more comfortable. That is normal behaviour. I’m not stressed about leaving her other than seeing her stressed.

Do you have children of your own?

Bizawit

I have 4.

I don't babysit for other people anymore!

@khakiandcoral I'd actually consider a child totally unphased by being cared for by a total stranger to be more vulnerable than the shy clingy child because their boundaries are clearly non existent! Likely cos they've been smashed to smithereens by the supposedly responsible adults in their lives.

I was "happy" to mix with all kinds of people of all ages too - why? Because I was never given a choice! And on the odd occasion I DARED to raise any such objections it got me in serious trouble to the point of a slap if I didn't let it drop.

I have never in over 30 years of caring for others children not known the children and ensured they were comfortable first.

Not only is that much better and safer for the child, as a pp notes it makes it a lot easier for the babysitter too as in most cases not to do so with children around this age will result in a distressed and upset child and the babysitter then has to call the parents to come home. That happened to me only once and it was the start of that child having night terrors and in the state she was in she couldn't recognise me, she initially didn't even recognise her parents, horrible night.

The only other times I've had to call parents home have been when children have unexpectedly taken ill as happens on occasion and once when I took ill with a fast hitting severe upset stomach.

Based on my own experiences as a child and as a child carer there was never any way I was ever going to put my dd through what my parents did.

We had male sitters they barely knew, we had as I mentioned sitters that stole stuff, that left us alone to meet friends/boyfriends, that got drunk/high while babysitting... frankly it's a Fucking miracle nothing awful happened!

I distinctly remember one nasty cow who refused to call my parents when my sister took very ill one time while they were out, I ended up calling them myself, they did give her a row and never used her again but honestly their judgment was seriously off!

These sitters were sometimes similar to here the teen/adult dc of friends/neighbours/colleagues but in reality they didn't know them from Adam!

Seems we still have a long way to go in getting parents to prioritise the safety and well-being of even very young dc - I mean a THREE year old here - over their desires to not have their lives "hampered" by parenthood!

Shocking and disgraceful to be honest

[quote Graphista]@khakiandcoral I'd actually consider a child totally unphased by being cared for by a total stranger to be more vulnerable than the shy clingy child because their boundaries are clearly non existent! Likely cos they've been smashed to smithereens by the supposedly responsible adults in their lives.

I was "happy" to mix with all kinds of people of all ages too - why? Because I was never given a choice! And on the odd occasion I DARED to raise any such objections it got me in serious trouble to the point of a slap if I didn't let it drop.

I have never in over 30 years of caring for others children not known the children and ensured they were comfortable first.

Not only is that much better and safer for the child, as a pp notes it makes it a lot easier for the babysitter too as in most cases not to do so with children around this age will result in a distressed and upset child and the babysitter then has to call the parents to come home. That happened to me only once and it was the start of that child having night terrors and in the state she was in she couldn't recognise me, she initially didn't even recognise her parents, horrible night.

The only other times I've had to call parents home have been when children have unexpectedly taken ill as happens on occasion and once when I took ill with a fast hitting severe upset stomach.

Based on my own experiences as a child and as a child carer there was never any way I was ever going to put my dd through what my parents did.

We had male sitters they barely knew, we had as I mentioned sitters that stole stuff, that left us alone to meet friends/boyfriends, that got drunk/high while babysitting... frankly it's a Fucking miracle nothing awful happened!

I distinctly remember one nasty cow who refused to call my parents when my sister took very ill one time while they were out, I ended up calling them myself, they did give her a row and never used her again but honestly their judgment was seriously off!

These sitters were sometimes similar to here the teen/adult dc of friends/neighbours/colleagues but in reality they didn't know them from Adam!

Seems we still have a long way to go in getting parents to prioritise the safety and well-being of even very young dc - I mean a THREE year old here - over their desires to not have their lives "hampered" by parenthood!

Shocking and disgraceful to be honest [/quote]
❤️ for you @Graphista

[quote Graphista]@khakiandcoral I'd actually consider a child totally unphased by being cared for by a total stranger to be more vulnerable than the shy clingy child because their boundaries are clearly non existent! Likely cos they've been smashed to smithereens by the supposedly responsible adults in their lives.

I was "happy" to mix with all kinds of people of all ages too - why? Because I was never given a choice! And on the odd occasion I DARED to raise any such objections it got me in serious trouble to the point of a slap if I didn't let it drop.

I have never in over 30 years of caring for others children not known the children and ensured they were comfortable first.

Not only is that much better and safer for the child, as a pp notes it makes it a lot easier for the babysitter too as in most cases not to do so with children around this age will result in a distressed and upset child and the babysitter then has to call the parents to come home. That happened to me only once and it was the start of that child having night terrors and in the state she was in she couldn't recognise me, she initially didn't even recognise her parents, horrible night.

The only other times I've had to call parents home have been when children have unexpectedly taken ill as happens on occasion and once when I took ill with a fast hitting severe upset stomach.

Based on my own experiences as a child and as a child carer there was never any way I was ever going to put my dd through what my parents did.

We had male sitters they barely knew, we had as I mentioned sitters that stole stuff, that left us alone to meet friends/boyfriends, that got drunk/high while babysitting... frankly it's a Fucking miracle nothing awful happened!

I distinctly remember one nasty cow who refused to call my parents when my sister took very ill one time while they were out, I ended up calling them myself, they did give her a row and never used her again but honestly their judgment was seriously off!

These sitters were sometimes similar to here the teen/adult dc of friends/neighbours/colleagues but in reality they didn't know them from Adam!

Seems we still have a long way to go in getting parents to prioritise the safety and well-being of even very young dc - I mean a THREE year old here - over their desires to not have their lives "hampered" by parenthood!

Shocking and disgraceful to be honest [/quote]
This

Graphista

we all have different experience. I was that child too. Unlike you, I was lucky enough to have a happy childhood, no problem with boundaries and no slap.

I don't believe that being overly anxious is doing any good to any child.
We obviously all have very different definition of what is best for the well-being of a child.

over their desires to not have their lives "hampered" by parenthood!
don't be so rude and nasty.

You need to work on your trauma instead of projecting and insulting others.

I am not even sure why I bothered replying to someone who pretends a happy, settled and not clingy child is Likely cos they've been smashed to smithereens by the supposedly responsible adults in their lives.

Of all the rubbish nonsense that came up on this thread, this one takes the biscuit.

I was not referring to a "happy, settled and not clingy child" I was as I said referring to "a child totally unphased by being cared for by a total stranger"

My comment re parents ignoring safeguarding in order to have their lives unchanged by parenthood - I absolutely stand by that

Parents deserve to have lives too yes - but not at the expense of their child's health and well being and I include feeling reasonably safe in their own home! I don't think that is overly anxious or asking too much

Overly anxious would be never using any babysitter at all and never going out without kids

Wonder if Dh went for his cycling?

@pigeonpocket

I don't understand why some people seem to be perfectly OK with leaving their very young children with a stranger (to the kids). Would you be fine sending your kids for 4 hours to nursery or preschool at age 3 with no settling in session, and leaving them in the care of someone they've never met before? And at least that would be someone with experience of childcare and with relevant dbs checks.

It's not like it's an emergency which would be different. It's so her DH can do his hobby.

Yes @pigeonpocket

This is what happens in sept when dd started pre school due to covid

Never been there

No settling in sessions

Didn’t know anyone

Left at door

Not saying it’s ideal. But they are siblings together in own home

Dad could be on call if needs be

I’m Curious what the spot was that he has do suddenly do

Football watching down the pub ?

Cycling 🚴‍♀️ or football ⚽️

If it was the Euro's he shouldn't have bothered because all the matches so far have been dire, boring.

@Macncheeseballs

One night isn't going to hurt them

One night could actually kill them

I’m with the Op this isn’t on the kids and you don’t know her

I also think it’s a red herring and he doesn’t want you going out as this was arranged in advance and he has to do his hobby on the day/night of your known event.

@khakiandcoral

Graphista

we all have different experience. I was that child too. Unlike you, I was lucky enough to have a happy childhood, no problem with boundaries and no slap.

I don't believe that being overly anxious is doing any good to any child.
We obviously all have very different definition of what is best for the well-being of a child.

over their desires to not have their lives "hampered" by parenthood!
don't be so rude and nasty.

You need to work on your trauma instead of projecting and insulting others.

I don’t think it’s overly anxious not to be comfortable with a complete stranger bathing your small children and putting them to bed. To me that is responsible and caring parenting.

It is one very rare night the OP is going out. DH can forgo his sport for one night and look after his children.

Whoa! I kind of expected/hoped for a few perspectives on this but the topic of babysitters clearly hit a nerve.
The outcome was in the end that DH calmed down and stayed home and I went out to my work event.
We booked the babysitter for next week when we have time to introduce her properly and can have an evening out together. Ah - happy ending!

@Wimpeyspread

YABU to have reached the ages of 3 & 5 and not located a suitable local babysitter for occasions such as this

Why?

My dc is 3 and has never been without me. Why do you need to locate a babysitter?

And for the 'guess the sport crew' nil points - it was surfing...

@Rosieposie79

And for the 'guess the sport crew' nil points - it was surfing...

Haha! Brilliant OP 😂

Good outcome - you've sorted it out reasonably, compromise for moving ahead, everyone happy.

No LTB, or fumin' 🤗

Yay! Glad it worked out!
Hope you had a nice evening out and many more to come ☺️.

good result glad he came to his senses

Great to have a babysitter nearby.

Best possible outcome. Glad to hear it.

Well done for sorting it out

Very common in this area of London for people to book babysitters short notice on apps. At least this person was reasonably known.

@Rosieposie79

And for the 'guess the sport crew' nil points - it was surfing...

Since he came to his senses, well put surfing on the amber list. Red list is currently golf, cycling, cricket, football and drinking. Green list is martial arts (my DH!).

Good outcome. Don't know what he was thinking initially!