To hate having to work after the kids have gone to bed

[polexiaaphrodesia]

Another evening of putting the DC (5&2) to bed and then logging back on to my work laptop to finish off a load of work I havent managed to get done during the day because I finish at 5pm to do the school and nursery run.

It's hot, I'm tired and I thoroughly resent DH who does the school drop off in the morning for DS, gets to his desk for 8.45am, pops out of his office for dinner at 6.30pm and then like a bloody meerkat dives back into his office to work until all the bathtime and general getting kids to bed fuckery is over. And then announces he's off to the gym as he's finished work for the day while I log back on.

I take DD to nursery for 8am, get home at 8.10am then work until 5.15pm when I pick up both kids, bring them home, make dinner, bath, bed etc then back at the bloody laptop again. We are both fairly senior in our roles and working over contracted hours is considered par for the course but I am getting very annoyed that he only has to do 1/4 of the school and nursery runs, gets to do his work in one uninterrupted chunk, gets dinner made for him and then misses bedtime as he's working.

It's the same for every bloody man in my team as well - they all have someone at home picking up the slack so don't have to work late into the evenings and do nice stuff for them like cycling or going to the gym etc. Just me and all the other mums in my team online at 8.30pm doing the "mum shift" trying to keep our careers alive.

Sorry, rant over. I know I need to speak to DH who will start going on about his promotion for the good of the family and how it means he needs needing to be on calls at 6pm so can't get the kids but flexible working isn't really as great as everyone makes out for women. We're flexing but we're online at night while the men are having their down time.

Sorry to be blunt but your husband is a major tool. What decade is he living in? Makes my blood boil, men like him. Ffs. Tell him he needs to go down to 4 days a week. If he earns 50% more than you and you are both in senior roles... do you really need all that money? He can cut back and share the load as he bloody should!

If he refuses, book a weekend in a spa and let him get on w it!

So many women seem to slip into the housekeeper / child rearing roles - even when they have got full time jobs. How and why does this happen? Why are men allowed to get away with so much? Why do women end up doing so much?

Can’t he do both drop offs so you can start work earlier?

I think it’s workable. Your DH does nursery and school drop off and you start work early.
You finish for school pick up.
Monday:Wednesday you go to the gym/out with friends. Tuesday/Thursday your DH goes. You alternate weekly,
Friday after school family time.

I feel your pain op! I earn the most and work more hours and yet I'm the hands on parent, drop offs, pick ups, sorting tutoring and extra stuff.

You need to put your foot down about the gym. He does dinner or bedtime every night - why can't he log back on later like you do?

And stop facilitating anything for him. I no longer do washing, ironing, booking stuff etc and make H do all the boring shut for his life. Of course he misses stuff and is late for quite a bit but I no longer care.

This is the main reason I only had 1 DC. I couldn't face doing it all for more kids plus H.

Money and promotions mean nothing. I would handing my dh his arse on a plate (with garnishes) about this. I speak from bitter experience as someone who facilitated dh's care while I had 3 kids and a career of my own, which I should have been facilitating instead of not wanting to 'encroach' on his. I am no push over yet I've still managed to become the (by far) higher earner, with a very comparable role to his and I'm still in charge of most of the day to day running of the house. It gets harder the longer you leave it to address.

• career, not care!

Personally I would o back to work full time, at least you’ll get paid for the 5th day.

DH does mornings. You do pick ups. You each do dinner bed and bath 2x a week. You each get 2 nights a week to do your own thing.

I dunno why women put up with this from men.

I suspect it’s because the desire for a baby overrides sorting this kind of thing out upfront.

I've only ready the OP's posts and not all the replies so I'm sure I'm repeating them.

DH earns about 3-4 times what I do. He travels a fair bit for work because that's his job.

When he's home he does at least half the mental workload, all of the cooking, and completely pulls his weight.

He does this because why not? We're both parents.

He sounds like a lazy at best slightly but probably very misogynistic arse. Also threads like this remind me how thankful I am that my manager encourages us to start and leave on time, and working beyond a normal working day is not considered the norm.

He's very defensive isn't he, even if He weren't the higher earner he would come up some reason why his job was more important than yours

I think he needs to do.more and the load needs to be more evenly spread. If he earns 50% more than you and he works full time and you work 0.8 that really isn't much at all.

I'm usually accused of being a 1950s housewife on here because I facilitated my DH's career and was happy to. He did not, however, take the tiddle to the extent of your dh.

Having said that my dc are grown up and not living at home and I'm only just shutting the laptop!!

Your husband is an entitled bully. But I expect you already know that.

Also, can't believe that 13% of women here think you're being unreasonable. WTF?

I read so many stories like this on here and listen to so many women I know say the same thing and I think ‘where did it all go wrong for women?’
Feminism has backfired spectacularly on us.

Although I do agree with pp that you are enabling this situation.

When DC were little and DH wasn't working away the evening slog was split strictly 50/50. In fact he used to do bathtime etc more than me as I hated it.. Sorry I know that's sacrilege to say but I did. Kids sort themselves out in the evening now so we mainly share the cooking and the ferrying about to activities. He needs to step up. I do have to work in the evening but not because of unequal division of chores..

It'll just snowball further. He earns 50 percent more so gets to bail out on evening parenting to go for a promotion to earn even more, widening the earnings gap even further so, then what? He can bail out on more parenting even more because the wage gap is bigger? And you're not getting the work time/ down time (which is important to function at your best) to further your career.
This is how the gender (should be sex but hey ho) pay gap exists. And it sucks.
He's an arse.

You both should have an equal amount of down time.

part of the problem surely lies with your employers. If your job can't be done from 8 to 5.15 then it needs a major restructure.

You're only logging back in because you're working from home. You'd never leave home and commute back to the office to work there at that time of night.

I actually think that it is really hard for mums these days..my kids are in their 20s now and yes I did work part time but my husband was the main earner ..we never had this kind of dilemma.

Why are you working so many hours? Are you doing compressed days? You already do 9 hours taking half an hour for lunch ( as most employers insist on), x 5 days is 45 hours. That's already over the legal working week without logging back on. If you're logging back on because you can't do the work in the time then that's a whole different matter. That's a resource issue ( they need more staff) or a time management issue ( although it would be unusual if the whole team ).

This is my life too. DH works in a job with more set hours so he has to work the post-school hours until 6. That means I have to stop work at 2:45 and then do all the kids dinners, baths,homework etc and then log back on to try and claw back some time that I've missed because my work is flexible but still requires 50+ hours a week to keep afloat

My husband earns more than 50% than me…I work 4 days a week.
Regardless of who earns what we share drop off/pick-ups He cooks every week night.
Yes I do the sorting out of the kids (for example holiday clubs) washing and the majority of the housework ( be pushed for is to get a cleaner as he was aware that I picked most of it up)
But I still feel it’s very much shared between us - not on all one person!