To hate having to work after the kids have gone to bed

[polexiaaphrodesia]

Another evening of putting the DC (5&2) to bed and then logging back on to my work laptop to finish off a load of work I havent managed to get done during the day because I finish at 5pm to do the school and nursery run.

It's hot, I'm tired and I thoroughly resent DH who does the school drop off in the morning for DS, gets to his desk for 8.45am, pops out of his office for dinner at 6.30pm and then like a bloody meerkat dives back into his office to work until all the bathtime and general getting kids to bed fuckery is over. And then announces he's off to the gym as he's finished work for the day while I log back on.

I take DD to nursery for 8am, get home at 8.10am then work until 5.15pm when I pick up both kids, bring them home, make dinner, bath, bed etc then back at the bloody laptop again. We are both fairly senior in our roles and working over contracted hours is considered par for the course but I am getting very annoyed that he only has to do 1/4 of the school and nursery runs, gets to do his work in one uninterrupted chunk, gets dinner made for him and then misses bedtime as he's working.

It's the same for every bloody man in my team as well - they all have someone at home picking up the slack so don't have to work late into the evenings and do nice stuff for them like cycling or going to the gym etc. Just me and all the other mums in my team online at 8.30pm doing the "mum shift" trying to keep our careers alive.

Sorry, rant over. I know I need to speak to DH who will start going on about his promotion for the good of the family and how it means he needs needing to be on calls at 6pm so can't get the kids but flexible working isn't really as great as everyone makes out for women. We're flexing but we're online at night while the men are having their down time.

Sorry wrong thread!

YABU only because you know he is being unreasonable and you haven't confronted him. He needs to do 50% of the bathtimes and bedtimes. You are both wokring from home. Do not accept this promotion nonsense. If he say sit, say you too would like a promotion for the good of the family. And you too would like to go to the gym several times a week but you have no down time because the family work is not fairly divided.

If this falls on deaf ears you have to take the time for yourself. Not once as a point but regularly and nonchalantly as normal. So if he goes to the gym three times a week for two hours, so do you. Just cheerily say you are going to do classes on XYZ nights and bath and bed routines are his on those days. He needs to clear up and not leave a bombsite for you to come home to, as well.

To get this sorted OP I would book a couple days off this week or next (or pull a sickie) - you need a bit of head space

• home work needs to be 55/45 split to reflect your hours
• delegate everything you can - cleaner, ironing, dump cooking (embrace cook, m n s ans snack meals) , drop your standards - reduce kids baths,
• divvy up the work in a way that’s v clear for him - he gets child a ready everyday, that means he has to sort clothes, lunch, bags, notes. He does a and b evenings, he does the dishwasher, pays a and b bills and the dentist. He gets Sunday am off. You do the reverse.
• tell him it has to be like this or you will have a raging nervous, chop his balls off / or actually get a divorce

• can you book a few sessions w a career coach to see if you can shave 10 percent of your working hours. You are right women work late because of domestic responsibility, but IME it can also be because they are over diligent.

Good luck, keep posting till you get it sorted

You're enabling your DH by not insisting he does his share and letting him take the piss and you're enabling exploitation by your crappy employer by regularly working over 9 hours a day. It's finance not brain surgery.

I have just done 9-9 as i have a deadline. My DH wants sex. Funnily enough I don't..

You're not a robot, show off your human.

DH does a good share of stuff, not 50:50 but I would say my job is less demanding, so I'm happy for the current balance (he also earns a very high wage, but he would not dare throw that in my face).

I would say that most of the men DH works with (very male oriented profession) are actively involved with taking care of the kids/chores. It's not uncommon to see a kid peep their head onto the call, or on laps, or 'daddy daddy... [abrupt mute]' etc. My manager is very involved with his kids, and is a very productive man. Your DH is being an arse, you need to stop him in his tracks before you burn out and he resents your lack of productivity.

This isn’t a DH problem, this is a you problem.

You need to manage your time better. And by that I don’t mean work harder, I mean manage YOUR time.

You need to be more selfish. That’s the truth of the matter.

I think you're blaming society as a whole (I agree) but overlooking your husband in particular, who actually has the ability to make a change.

The way I see it drop offs, bath etc should be equal every day except for your one non-work day. Am I missing something? How on earth does he justify not being an equal partner on every other day.

Tell him dinner/bath/bed on Tuesdays and thursdays (or whatever) are his responsibility from now on.

Honestly, I don't think you have much credibility to talk about wider societal inequalities while facilitating this bullshit in to own home.

Your company is flexible but is his ?. Our the management team have 3 calls a day 1st thing midday and last thing ZERO flexibility .

Talk to your DH and get a better balance between you.
I sort of understand his point about being in a high pressured job and not doing more of the childcare but you need to agree what's a more balanced way of managing that will work for you.
Consider going back full time if all else fails - been there working part time in a senior role and it sucks. Or accept that working part time is a compromise for being able to spend time with your DC whilst they are still young.

You're not alone and to be honest I don't think it sounds too bad. I work full time, drop my kids off at 8 and pick up at 5.30. I cook, my husband gets home at 6.15. We both get kids to bed, I log back on for a few hours. He usually does washing up. We've three kids. I used to do all that and an hour commute each way but now I can work from home most of the time so actually count myself lucky. My husband does his fair share around the house but has a longer commute than me so I do all dropping off and picking up. I'm in a senior role and earn a lot more than my husband though. Perhaps if you're husband works full-time and you part time he assumed you'd pick up more childcare but it's gradually become more unfair. He should help with bath and bed and clearly has the time if he can go to the gym every day.

Do you NEED to do those hours? What would happen if you didn’t? As others have said, if you were a little more selfish with your time?

I’ve fallen in to the trap too of chasing “outstanding performer’ and bonuses but quite quickly learning a trade off, do my job well with reasonable boundaries and a good salary will have to do.

Your husband is being shit. He doesnt get paid 50pc more because he doesnt do the school runs. The two things are unrelated. My husband gets up with the kids and takes them to school and nursery in the morning. I get them but he often offers. Today he got them so I could finish my work off as I had a busy day, I worked til 6, made dinner, we shared their bed time, I did another half an hour tidying up, and then I went a cycle at 8.30. He has done loads more than me with the kids this week but then he is going to be on a work trip so it will balance out. Even though he earns 50pc more than me it doesnt mean he does 50pc less at home because a. He doesnt work 50pc harder and b. I cant physically or mentally do 50pc more at home and c. We both see each other as a team. Your husband doesnt seem to. Earning lots of money doesnt mean that you can't ever 0ut your kids to bed

He doesn’t need to go back to the office after dinner… to do what??? Anything that’s so important can be done via the laptop at home at least.

Sort dinner/ kids together then you BOTH log on after they’re in bed.

He goes to the gym another time.

@TheGirlWhoLived

When do you get to see your children though!? If they go to nursery at 8 and not back until 5:15, then bath and bed at what 7? They are so little!

@TheGirlWhoLived

Oh do bugger off with your misogyny. You don't seem concerned their father isn't seeing them AT ALL.

Ffs.

He justifies it by earning 50% more than me. Just had a very unpleasant conversion with him where apparently he's now going to go down two rungs of the ladder to be on a par with me so we can split absolutely everything 50:50 because that's what I want. Apparently he's now keeping track of the individual down time we have and because I spend 30 mins longer than him in the morning getting ready then thats going on my list. I countered with the 30 mins shit he takes every day because quite frankly it's total bollocks. It should all be 50:50. Im absolutely raging. Have read through the responses and yes, this is my own doing.

He is pretty bad at delegating and managing his time hence his long hours and I'm basically letting myself be taken for a mug and doing 5 days in 4 without the extra pay so it's all pretty shit to be honest. (Although I would point out that everyone industry routinely does 20% more than their contracted hours so if I went to FT I would just be given 20% more work).

And yes, he is a bully. He loves arguing and debating.

I think there are 2 separate issues:

1. working hours. This is something each couple needs to work out for themselves. For some, it does make sense for the higher earner to work more paid hours, and for the lower earner to do more childcare. For others, it's more important that both partners have the same work-family balance. There isn't a right or wrong answer, as long as both agree it is fair.

2. leisure hours - should be split 50:50. You count up all working time, paid and unpaid, see how much non-working time you have left over and split it.

Stop doing more than your hours in work.

Ignore what other women in your team are doing. By doing the same, you are participating in this being 'normal'. It isn't! I worked in finance for many years. I saw (mostly the same women) staying late every evening. I saw those who left on time being discriminated against when it came to promotions. But you know what - many of those women who stayed late never got beyond a measly low level management role anyway. There were very few women at the top level and the one I remember well, was the one who left the office by 5.30pm every single day! Those who worked long hours never got the recognition they thought they would get. They got promises. Little else. They were reliable but not respected.

Put your foot down at work first. And then tackle your husband. Take yourself out of the house two evenings a week. Go walking with a friend. Take up a sport. Let him do the bedtimes.

I left the job I was in and now work mornings from home, mainly because I really didn't enjoy what I was doing. I sometimes get a remark thrown my way that DH earns a nine times my salary but he does this because I do the school runs, the after school clubs, mop up tears, organise school needs, oversee the homework, ensure instruments are played and so on. Without me, he would not be earning what he earns and would be paying a large amount of childcare costs as well.

You and your DH both need to change starting with you........

@TheGirlWhoLived if they're anything like mine they wake at 5 so I get a lovely 3 hours pre dawn with them before nursery and then 2-3 hours after nursery and if I'm lucky I get 3-4 wake ups a night to see their darling faces which is better than some people I know who have DC who sleep.

I think you need to do a 'go slow' for a bit. Only do the absolute minimum for you and DC. Withdraw your services.

I completely agree with @MissLucyEyelesbarrow. Ultimately it's about being equitable.

OP your dh sounds an arse.

I don't get it.
You both work really long hours. How do you fit it all in? Is your house chaotic? Mine often is and I work 8-4 only 3 days a week (3 kids). It sounds miserable.
And on top of that you are married to a man who sounds horrible and let him treat you badly.
I couldn't do this. I put YABU because I think you need to make some changes, not just complain.

Grrr what a dick.

Call his fucking bluff about 'going two rungs down'. As if. What a tosspot. Tell him - great- I'd rather have an equal respectful relationship and for my children to have two equally engaged and available parents than whatever the difference in income gets us in material things.

Also if he was an equal parent it would help you climb your professional ladder in the long term so it's a false fucking economy to think him scaling back work will make you poorer in the long rung.

Sorry to get heated, but your situation is common and infuriating

He really does not sound very nice at all.