To hate having to work after the kids have gone to bed

[polexiaaphrodesia]

Another evening of putting the DC (5&2) to bed and then logging back on to my work laptop to finish off a load of work I havent managed to get done during the day because I finish at 5pm to do the school and nursery run.

It's hot, I'm tired and I thoroughly resent DH who does the school drop off in the morning for DS, gets to his desk for 8.45am, pops out of his office for dinner at 6.30pm and then like a bloody meerkat dives back into his office to work until all the bathtime and general getting kids to bed fuckery is over. And then announces he's off to the gym as he's finished work for the day while I log back on.

I take DD to nursery for 8am, get home at 8.10am then work until 5.15pm when I pick up both kids, bring them home, make dinner, bath, bed etc then back at the bloody laptop again. We are both fairly senior in our roles and working over contracted hours is considered par for the course but I am getting very annoyed that he only has to do 1/4 of the school and nursery runs, gets to do his work in one uninterrupted chunk, gets dinner made for him and then misses bedtime as he's working.

It's the same for every bloody man in my team as well - they all have someone at home picking up the slack so don't have to work late into the evenings and do nice stuff for them like cycling or going to the gym etc. Just me and all the other mums in my team online at 8.30pm doing the "mum shift" trying to keep our careers alive.

Sorry, rant over. I know I need to speak to DH who will start going on about his promotion for the good of the family and how it means he needs needing to be on calls at 6pm so can't get the kids but flexible working isn't really as great as everyone makes out for women. We're flexing but we're online at night while the men are having their down time.

Ooh, I sucked in an angry breath at his “you get the higher pay job” post! So he thinks the main breadwinner gets the nights off, and the lower-earning parent does the parenting? Fucking hell.

This all needs a hard reset. Alternate cooking nights, alternate bath/bed nights; or he does the 5yo and you do the 2yo – divide and conquer.

Can I venture a guess that he has the office in the house, and you work at the kitchen table or similar? Take the office door off its hinges.

I really enjoy my job by the way, I find it fulfilling, I am doing well and have a really good career path ahead of me. Usual hours most people put in would probably be about 9-10 per day (Finance)

You need to take it turns for the evening shift. So alternate who’s working and gyming who’s sorting dinner and putting kids to bed.
He can do this he just needs to put when he’s available for calls. What does he do when he’s on holiday? He works during the day, sure he can fit them in somewhere.
My husband is a manager and he can be pretty flexible most the time. It’s easily done when you want to!

Your DH sounds crap.

Why doesn't he do both drop offs if nursery is close enough that you are back within 10 minutes? That would be fair.

I'm with you OP except my DH does at.least as much with the kids as I do (I know I'm lucky). Kids never asleep till 9 pm and then I'm often working 9- midnight. Then kids get me up next day by 6.30. And the toddler usually wakes once in the night too. Just gone up to full time from 4 days - new more senior job so no choice. I feel totally burned out and I'd just like to step off the treadmill for a year or two.

I'm just thinking about my closest several sets of friends - all the dads work more days than the mums, bar one, and all the dads are heavily involved in their children's bedtimes. They actually WANT to be as well, most of the time.

This isnt flexible working, its being taken advantage of.
Get him to pay for a cleaner and laundry service.

@namechange30455

Your DH sounds crap.

Why doesn't he do both drop offs if nursery is close enough that you are back within 10 minutes? That would be fair.

Although actually it wouldn't be fair - but it would be a lot more bloody fair than what you're doing now!

@burritofan I have commandeered the spare room and bought myself a desk and office chair as yes, that was exactly what happened.

Thanks all, this is really hitting home and a conversation/ hard reset is definitely in order

He is compounding the problem. Not only is making life hard for you, but also for the working mothers at his work who have to compete with him for that promotion, when it’s not a level playing field. Men should do their share at home.

Yes its crap and i feel for you. Part time work just seems to mean working all evening to catch up. Two choices - talk to dh and persuade him to share the evening shift, or say to work there are more limits to your hours. I know neither are easy. Would booking something in at least weekly where dh has to take over be possible? Ie evening class, gym etc

[quote polexiaaphrodesia]@TheGirlWhoLived between 6am when they wake up and 8am and then from 5.15pm until bed at 8pm?[/quote]
Oh I forgot small ones wake up so early. I’m used to kicking mine out of bed at 7:45

Just because he earns 50% more money doesn’t mean he gets to be 50% less of a parent.

@TheGirlWhoLived that's really not helpful is it? Dont apologise for reacting to goady shit like that OP it is bound to touch a nerve.

Op wasn't asking how to see more of the kids, or if her choices were of your approval.

Op your DH needs to step up, earning more or not it doesn't mean he can opt out of parenting.

Oh god I think I could have written your post. I now need to log in to finish some stuff or get up at 5am to do it. My husband is senior so does have flex (but also does the I earn more so need to prioritise) but he has had much more time in the office while I’m working from home so it does make sense for me to be doing pick ups. He doesn’t get how it is different when he works late and is back at 8/9 versus me stopping at 5.30, getting two kids to bed, doing reading etc abs then starting work at 8/9. It is much more psychologically draining to stop and start while dealing with tired grumpy children.

[quote polexiaaphrodesia]@TheGirlWhoLived also why is it me you're asking about seeing my children? Not my husband [/quote]
No, no, sorry I read it back and it sounded like a total dick comment. Ignore me at will!

@SuperSecretSquirrels absolutely. I see this all the time at work. Basically the men have someone doing all of the life admin, carrying the mental load etc so they can focus 100% while the women in my team are doing everything. My employer are really great at promoting female talent but the expectation is still that the work needs to get done.

Anyone seen the Motherland episode where Julia gets offered the promotion?!

[quote QforCucumber]@TheGirlWhoLived that's really not helpful is it? Dont apologise for reacting to goady shit like that OP it is bound to touch a nerve.

Op wasn't asking how to see more of the kids, or if her choices were of your approval.

Op your DH needs to step up, earning more or not it doesn't mean he can opt out of parenting.[/quote]
I’m not a goady shit! I was wondering how logistically they both fitted it seeing them, mine are at school so I see them for almost exactly the same amount of time, probably less with the clubs and co- I’ve apologised, just a badly timed comment

@TheGirlWhoLived how rude and small minded.

My DH won't do any school runs so I have to fit all my working hours into 9-3. I am also studying so I know how you feel. I end up working weekends.

Could you swop duties for a bit and ask him to do the pick up 2/3 times a week?

@TheGirlWhoLived no problem, thank you for apologising

Do your contracted hours at work.

Just to say you're not alone, I'm working now, DH
Is at the pub watching the footie, guess who worked/had a chill while I made tea

If you're both in senior roles why don't you hire a babysitter for 2-3 hours to take some of the load / chores off you? Like collection, dinner and bath. Then when you see your kids your more relaxed and less stressed.

I earn twice what my husband does, sometimes three times if it's a good year. I would not DREAM of saying that to him. We alternate bedtime and cooking dinner. Totally unfair otherwise.

Rant on here all you want, we'll listen. But only you can change it. Start tomorrow. He can work after he's prepared dinner or done bedtime. Don't burn yourself out to make his life easier.