To hate having to work after the kids have gone to bed

[polexiaaphrodesia]

Another evening of putting the DC (5&2) to bed and then logging back on to my work laptop to finish off a load of work I havent managed to get done during the day because I finish at 5pm to do the school and nursery run.

It's hot, I'm tired and I thoroughly resent DH who does the school drop off in the morning for DS, gets to his desk for 8.45am, pops out of his office for dinner at 6.30pm and then like a bloody meerkat dives back into his office to work until all the bathtime and general getting kids to bed fuckery is over. And then announces he's off to the gym as he's finished work for the day while I log back on.

I take DD to nursery for 8am, get home at 8.10am then work until 5.15pm when I pick up both kids, bring them home, make dinner, bath, bed etc then back at the bloody laptop again. We are both fairly senior in our roles and working over contracted hours is considered par for the course but I am getting very annoyed that he only has to do 1/4 of the school and nursery runs, gets to do his work in one uninterrupted chunk, gets dinner made for him and then misses bedtime as he's working.

It's the same for every bloody man in my team as well - they all have someone at home picking up the slack so don't have to work late into the evenings and do nice stuff for them like cycling or going to the gym etc. Just me and all the other mums in my team online at 8.30pm doing the "mum shift" trying to keep our careers alive.

Sorry, rant over. I know I need to speak to DH who will start going on about his promotion for the good of the family and how it means he needs needing to be on calls at 6pm so can't get the kids but flexible working isn't really as great as everyone makes out for women. We're flexing but we're online at night while the men are having their down time.

Agree with PP. if he’s so senior he can be flexible. He’s just choosing to leave it all to you.

Your husband needs to step up, if your doing bedtime every night then he needs to be doing mornings ie getting up with the kids, getting them ready and then off to nursery. Then you can work or go to the gym in the morning and he can work/gym in the evenings.

As for him saying he earns 50% more, unless he's earning that doing 60 hours a week while you only work 30 hours its a completely mute point, everyone should have the same amount of leisure time regardless of how much they earn and it sounds like he is getting leisure time (gym) while you are just working and doing childcare.

I’m sorry but you are allowing this to happen. Have you never even considered raising why he thinks you have to take all this on? Does he love you?

I work a senior job as as divorced parent and it’s a lot easier than this.

@polexiaaphrodesia

I don't think that's unreasonable. I work 4 days a week.

Not unreasonable at all, even if you worked 7 days a week, I was just idly wondering but I see how I’ve written it that it looked accusatory and rude which is the last thing you need right now!

Is there any way you could give him certain jobs to do that he can fit in around his meetings? Just because he has set time to do things doesn’t mean it should all fall to you to do the household work, you are equal partners but he seems to be taking the lions share of the fun bits and leaving you with the crap bits nobody wants.

I'm with you OP except my DH does at.least as much with the kids as I do (I know I'm lucky).

This is the sad thing... a father actually doing an equal amount of parenting is such a rarity that when it happens we think ourselves lucky. I’m a SAHM and my DH does a damn shit sight more than OPs husband, and I’m glad he does it but I don’t call myself lucky for having a husband who does exactly as much as he ought to be doing.

We are both fairly senior in our roles and working over contracted hours is considered par for the course

I don't work a minute over my contracted hours. If it's not done then it's not done. I give my bosses realistic timeframes for my work to be completed in (work in publishing so tight turnarounds and deadlines)

It's only considered par for the course because people are too scared to say no.

You tell him things need to be equal from now on. You take everything in turns. You don't give in when he plays the 'higher paid' card, ffs.

I work four days, partner works five. He earns about 30% more.
We take it in turns to get up with our child and take him to nursery in the week, then I do Friday and Saturday and get a lie in on Sunday. In the evening he cooks while I parent and do laundry etc, we do bath time together (because it's fun) and then take it in turns to put our child to bed. The other clears up from dinner and tidies downstairs. We both often log on and work after our child is in bed, when we need to.

This wasn't decided by argument, or even negotiation. We just figured out what would work best for us and be fair.

I feel your pain. I work outside the home DH currently from home, I get home at 6.30 after a 40 minute commute, make dinner sort out kids. DH comes down to eat dinner then relaxes. Despite working at home he is unable to put a wash on, sort dinner in his 45 minute lunch break or do any house tasks. When I asked if he could start dinner he stated that he works harder than me as he is still working when I have stopped and am driving home. I don’t know the answer..

When I finished at 6;30 he should take over to let you finish so you both finish at the same time.

I am the higher earner too

Also - ask yourself, if the roles were reversed and you earned twice what he did, would you lock yourself away in the office, only popping out for your dinner and to watch the person you're supposed to love most in the world slog their guts out??

This is the sad thing... a father actually doing an equal amount of parenting is such a rarity that when it happens we think ourselves lucky.
Ugh, yes. When DP did three months shared parental leave he got so much praise at his work for what a shiny special diamond he was. Where was MY parade for doing the other nine months?!

Apologies for thread hijack. OP, when your husband brings up his “but I earn more” argument, point out that he’s only able to do so because you’re facilitating his earning potential. While he’s working, you’re doing child care and cooking. While he’s working, you’re doing bedtime. While he’s chilling at the gym after work, you’re on child duty. Etc.

I'm really surprised you put up with this. I honestly wouldn't. I really don't believe that women are naturally better at childcare or housework and I really do believe in equality of all chores in the house and childcare. I really don't think him getting defensive when you raise it is enough of a reason to accept things as they are. You need a bloody break. There are two issues here and it seems like you are conflating the two (1) the issue of inequality in your relationship and (2) an issue of inequality in the wider workplace in general. Don't allow issue 2 to cloud your view of an unacceptable issues in your relationship

@Soundofshuna

I feel your pain. I work outside the home DH currently from home, I get home at 6.30 after a 40 minute commute, make dinner sort out kids. DH comes down to eat dinner then relaxes. Despite working at home he is unable to put a wash on, sort dinner in his 45 minute lunch break or do any house tasks. When I asked if he could start dinner he stated that he works harder than me as he is still working when I have stopped and am driving home. I don’t know the answer..

Yes he is. He just doesn't want to.

I totally agree your DH needs to step up. It’s about equal downtime, not who earns more.
He needs to have a massive rethink.

I am a single working mum and feel your pain, but o don’t have a DH in the house (any more!) enjoying a totally different standard of living to mine. The resentment kills you.

I have to fit in work in little corners quite often - a childminder walks Ds to school two days a week so I gain 45 mins there, he goes to Beavers once a week so as it’s right by our house I get an hour there etc (Dd is older so not an issue) But at least I get Wednesday evenings to catch up and work through so I don’t have to do late shifts, eow to myself etc Kids also do a Saturday morning drama club which they requested and love (which I pay for including on ex’s weekends) so there’s that time too

Make him pay for some childcare.

The fact he said that to you speaks volumes. The Salary is irrelevant, he stills need to pull his weight, and parent enough. Or he pays for more hired help.

A few thoughts 1) you are currently working a 5 day week in 4 days, so you need to either get paid for full time (or even 4.5?), or stop working free overtime. If you worked a short (paid) 5th day (e.g 9 til 1, would that put an end to the need for evening work? 2) when I worked 4 days and DH was full time, I did both school pick/drops on my day off but the other 4 days we split 50/50. This means you both benefit equally from less disrupted days 3) ditto making dinner and/or bed times need to be split equally on the days you both work. As others have said the amount you get paid has no bearing on your share of home/parenting responsibilities. If he tries to use the 'you only work a 4 day week' thing on you then say that you'll take on all parenting/cooking duties on your non work day but on work days it is 50/50 share of responsibilities.

Isn't it also to do with your work? Shouldn't you be able to get it all done by 5pm so you're over worked really?

@bishbashbosh99

Isn't it also to do with your work? Shouldn't you be able to get it all done by 5pm so you're over worked really?

Well yes, but then so should her DH...

I bet you do all of his washing and iron his shirts & cooking him dinner

well I would stop that right now
Just cook for yourself and wash your clothes and the kids
Let him sort out his shit himself
Give yourself and the kids simple meals like omelettes, beans on toast, sandwiches & soup for dinner stuff that takes 5 -10 mins to do
Let the lazy fucker cook and wash & iron his own clothes
He’s “choosing” not to spend time with his kids and you because he knows irs hard work

He could delegate his work or work smarter - he chooses not to

I should probably have mentioned my job is quite senior and full on too which is why I have to add on to my working day - Ds is out of the house from 850 school start until I pick him up at 5 from CM (5 mins away) so that would be enough time for contracted hours with a 30 min lunch.

I'm with you OP except my DH does at.least as much with the kids as I do (I know I'm lucky)

@FraterculaArctica please don’t say that’s lucky. That should be normal. If it’s not make it normal or get out of the marriage with someone that doesn’t love or respect you

What was the daily routine before working from home was introduced?. How did you get everything done then? Assuming you had to add travel time to your day also?