To hate having to work after the kids have gone to bed

[polexiaaphrodesia]

Another evening of putting the DC (5&2) to bed and then logging back on to my work laptop to finish off a load of work I havent managed to get done during the day because I finish at 5pm to do the school and nursery run.

It's hot, I'm tired and I thoroughly resent DH who does the school drop off in the morning for DS, gets to his desk for 8.45am, pops out of his office for dinner at 6.30pm and then like a bloody meerkat dives back into his office to work until all the bathtime and general getting kids to bed fuckery is over. And then announces he's off to the gym as he's finished work for the day while I log back on.

I take DD to nursery for 8am, get home at 8.10am then work until 5.15pm when I pick up both kids, bring them home, make dinner, bath, bed etc then back at the bloody laptop again. We are both fairly senior in our roles and working over contracted hours is considered par for the course but I am getting very annoyed that he only has to do 1/4 of the school and nursery runs, gets to do his work in one uninterrupted chunk, gets dinner made for him and then misses bedtime as he's working.

It's the same for every bloody man in my team as well - they all have someone at home picking up the slack so don't have to work late into the evenings and do nice stuff for them like cycling or going to the gym etc. Just me and all the other mums in my team online at 8.30pm doing the "mum shift" trying to keep our careers alive.

Sorry, rant over. I know I need to speak to DH who will start going on about his promotion for the good of the family and how it means he needs needing to be on calls at 6pm so can't get the kids but flexible working isn't really as great as everyone makes out for women. We're flexing but we're online at night while the men are having their down time.

@GorekyPark good point! When I refer to women, I'm really referring to the women in my team online at 9pm. My work make a huge deal out of flexible working but it only seems to be women working late at night. The men in my team work 8-6.

i work outside the home DH currently from home, I get home at 6.30 after a 40 minute commute, make dinner sort out kids. DH comes down to eat dinner then relaxes. Despite working at home he is unable to put a wash on, sort dinner in his 45 minute lunch break or do any house tasks. When I asked if he could start dinner he stated that he works harder than me as he is still working when I have stopped and am driving home. I don’t know the answer

It’s simple. You leave them. They don’t love you. If you loved someone would you make them work all hours and treat them with no respect whilst you sat around? It makes me sick what women put up with. Have some self respect

Argh I could have written this. I do nursery drop off and pick up every day except Friday when DH picks up. In our case it can’t really be helped but it’s unbelievably frustrating and tiring and really compromises my ability to get all of my work done.

@polexiaaphrodesia well if you’re senior in the team I guess you’re setting the example. A bad one

@Beachbabe1 I came back to work from maternity leave for about 6 weeks before lockdown. At that point he did the drop offs on the 4 days I worked so I could start earlier but they were both at the same nursery and it was much easier than having to do a school and nursery run (in the opposite direction)

@lostitall

At least you have a fella to do the school run- many of us have all the same with not a scrap of help Mind you I feel this is a better deal than a useless lump

I feel you! Mine did nothing hence why he is no longer here!

I really feel for you, especially the comment about four day weeks meaning a full time workload and a 20% pay cut. Can you ask to compress and do 5 days in 4, being as you’re effectively doing that anyway?

My DH is fairly evolved but even he tried to pull this sort of crap when I went back to work from mat leave. He earns about 50% more than me but my contribution to the household income is necessary rather than nice to have, if you see what I mean. He mainly WFH, I mainly commute.

He had the nerve to point out that he was doing most of the childcare runs “despite being the higher earner”. Yeah, that’s because I work part time compressed hours to spend time with our children and also save hundreds of pounds a month on childcare and train fares - oh, and logistically make all our lives a little easier.

I refrained from telling him that if he wanted to be Billy Big Bollocks with the little wifey worshipping at his career shrine, he needed to earn the Billy Big Bollocks money to enable me to just bring in a bit of pocket money and structure my life round his. I am not quite sure why I refrained, in hindsight, and went for the adult approach of asking him what he thought the alternative solutions might be…

@Forstarters you’re right. That’s what I had to do!

@Forstarters yep. I know. I'm not the line manager of the other women in my team but I can see how it looks. Food for thought.

Myself and my DH are in very senior roles. He wouldn't even think about our home and parental duties being anything other than a 50/50 split. It's something I've never needed to worry about.
I cannot understand how women put up with such crap... Get tough OP!
When he starts about his promotion etc, be straight! Tell him it's nothing you're going to benefit from other than in the monetary sense, you're going to end up doing even more by the sound of it.
Start taking control of your life back OP!

I’ve voted YABU as l don’t know why you let this shit fly every night. Surely 50/50 is only fair? Does he actually have meetings or is he lurking until the hard graft is done?

You only get one life. Change to a normal full time job that finishes at 530. Move to cheaper part of the country to do it.

It is all just admin at the end of the day.

Kids don't care what jobs their parents do.

@FrownedUpon

Sounds miserable. Is this really the life you want? I think you need to implement some changes.

Agree. I don’t understand how he gets to miss the bedtime routine and head to the gym while you do the bedtime routine and then go back to the grind.

This is where the balance is wrong. Surely he does this 2 evenings and you do it 2 evenings (and potentially the non working day).

2 evenings a week isn’t asking a lot.

We do strict alternate evenings on kids dinner bath bed duty. Works well for us and dc enjoy both mum night and dad night with slightly different routines / rituals for each.

8.10am until 5.15 is a long enough working day, just don’t log back on for a few days and see what happens
In terms of your husband saying he earns more so don’t expect more of him ? I would have a calm conversation to put him straight and if he can’t see it then you have a problem.
I’m long divorced and see so many of my female friends doing the lion’s share of household stuff , it’s well talked about on MN but not much in real life

You needed to speak to your DH about splitting the cooking and bedtime more equally between you. Why do you cook every day? On your day off - yes, but the days you are both working, you need to split 50/50.

Some of the problem here is surely that working long hours has become normalised in some jobs.
I totally agree with everyone else that DH should pick up a fair share of the child related/house duties, but the basic problem here is that OP and her DH are both trying to fit too much into a limited number of hours due to the number of hours they have to assign to paid work.

Obviously there are no easy answers and this needs a culture change in companies, but starting to kick back against the long hours has to be a start.

I'm sorry, OP. This reminds me of my life atm. I work 3 days a week, am studying for a degree and do all the nursery runs and most childcare and housework. It's exhausting. I'm always working... every evening, most weekends and quite often while also trying to look after my DC. I do most weeknight dinners, baths and bedtimes... in my case, DH is not even in the house to help as he has to be in the office. He works long hours (finance job) and doesn't usually get back much before midnight. I tolerate it because I know he's having a worse time than me at work and is super-stressed rather than just not pulling his weight. However, I've made it clear that it cannot be a long-term thing.

There's a few things I might think about doing in your situation to make it easier:

• Stop cooking dinner. Give the kids a snack meal a few times a week and just graze or get a takeaway. Batch cook at weekends and then just heat up portions for you and the kids.
• Scrap bathtime 2 nights a week. Kids don't need a bath every day. Bundle the kids into bed and then get out of the house to the gym by 8pm if it's still open. Leave your DH to deal with any wake ups.
• Stop doing your DH's laundry or any chores which are just for him. My DH does all his own cooking and laundry as I'm not doing that on top of everything else I have to do. We have a company who do our ironing.
• Do you have a cleaner?
• Get a babysitter in once a fortnight so you can go and visit a friend or do something for you.
• Do you split the weekends? You need to have a long lie each and your DH needs to take the kids out one afternoon to give you some peace and quiet. I have explained to my DH that him doing this is what stops me from cracking and becoming a very scary person indeed.

If all else fails, feed the kids pizza in front of the TV occasionally so you can get your work done on a laptop while ignoring them. I have had to resort to this a few times to meet deadlines.

I have a similar schedule and I actually like working after DS is in bed. Fewer distractions, can get my head down and get ahead for the next day of full lunch hour and logging off at 5.

However (and it's mainly luck, I'm not trying to show off) I have a DH who really pulls his weight. We each do 4 days a week so on our days off we spend all day with DS and get on with a housework while he naps. On days when we both work DH does early mornings and bath, and I do dinner and the rest of bedtime routine. We are genuinely pretty equal.

The only caveat is that I earn 3x what my DH does. I am much more highly qualified than him and I am in a dull yet also stressful professional role whereas DH's job, while solid, is more of a passion for him.

I love him dearly and wouldn't change our domestic arrangement. However, if genders were reversed I reckon it would be totally expected that I would go really full tilt at my career and DH would be a SAHP. I don't think I'd necessarily want that as I do love my days off with our son and I've never really wanted to be on the partner track, but that is what I see reflected at work and in the other relationships I know.

Same here. Almost every night. Part of resents it part of me loves having a job I can work around my kids. I love being able to pick them up and hang out after school. I know they'll be teenagers soon enough but it isn't easy at times.

Have to stop work 2.30 for school run.

At first I thought at least you have a husband. Then I thought actually that would make me even angrier to have some bloke willingly lumber you with it all under the same roof.

This is probably going to come across harsher than I intend it but... You're enabling this behaviour.

He gets away with it because at the end of the day you still cook, wash, do the laundry, etc, and do not tell him he needs to do his share. Not ask - tell.

I'd start by talking. Then if that doesn't work I'd do as someone suggested above - open his office, tell him it's his turn with the kids and leave, stop doing any chores/cleaning except for myself and the kids. If he still doesn't step up I'd think about leaving as I'd feel so utterly disrespected.

As it is I am single and I prefer it by far to having to nag someone who should be a partner (i.e. do half of everything) and end up doing their share.

The hours you are working are surely just as big a problem as DH - according to your times you are missing under an hour of work during the 'day' yet you are catching up by working evenings and on your day off.

If this was a fair split of work / childcare, DH would not have time for gym visits, just as you have no time to relax.

What happens on your 5th day, and at weekends?

OP your post should actually be entitled 'To hate having to work in the patriarchy and watch enabled grown men make more money than me but continue to act selfishly and shirk their parental and domestic responsibilities'.

Why why why? Why do we women allow this BS to happen? Why are men all making more money than us even when they are probably more mediocre compared to us women, but just have more confidence?
Why do we continue to take on the bulk of the wife work while they get away scot free? And why are we always the ones at work taking on more and more while all the men are much more clear about what they won't do - and get respect for it.

I've utterly had it with the patriarchy and your situation is what I hear from virtually every working woman I know in a heterosexual relationship.

Viva la revolution women!!!

@polexiaaphrodesia

Everytime I speak to him about it he gets really defensive or he starts saying "OK, well you go and get the job that pays xyz (he earns 50% more than what I earn) and I'll do all the school runs and work 4 days a week then."

Just say ok then and take him up on that offer.

What’s the point in having 50% more if he’s just going to be an arse hole? Kids are hard work, both me and DP agree it’s harder than working. He earns double what I do plus some and he does 50%.