To hate having to work after the kids have gone to bed

[polexiaaphrodesia]

Another evening of putting the DC (5&2) to bed and then logging back on to my work laptop to finish off a load of work I havent managed to get done during the day because I finish at 5pm to do the school and nursery run.

It's hot, I'm tired and I thoroughly resent DH who does the school drop off in the morning for DS, gets to his desk for 8.45am, pops out of his office for dinner at 6.30pm and then like a bloody meerkat dives back into his office to work until all the bathtime and general getting kids to bed fuckery is over. And then announces he's off to the gym as he's finished work for the day while I log back on.

I take DD to nursery for 8am, get home at 8.10am then work until 5.15pm when I pick up both kids, bring them home, make dinner, bath, bed etc then back at the bloody laptop again. We are both fairly senior in our roles and working over contracted hours is considered par for the course but I am getting very annoyed that he only has to do 1/4 of the school and nursery runs, gets to do his work in one uninterrupted chunk, gets dinner made for him and then misses bedtime as he's working.

It's the same for every bloody man in my team as well - they all have someone at home picking up the slack so don't have to work late into the evenings and do nice stuff for them like cycling or going to the gym etc. Just me and all the other mums in my team online at 8.30pm doing the "mum shift" trying to keep our careers alive.

Sorry, rant over. I know I need to speak to DH who will start going on about his promotion for the good of the family and how it means he needs needing to be on calls at 6pm so can't get the kids but flexible working isn't really as great as everyone makes out for women. We're flexing but we're online at night while the men are having their down time.

Winkywonky Funnily enough I’m an academic too, not in the UK. I work 930 to 530, and not at weekends. I do think to a certain extent the workplace culture is what we let it be.

Could he not do breakfast, getting ready, lunches and drop offs to enable you to start work earlier?
.....Although I can well imagine the next thread which would then be him failing to make lunch, forgetting PE kit or not clearing up breakfast!

OP I would also say based on your kids ages, in the next couple of years is when the useless husbands get binned. Usually starts when kids are around 7, as the wife has been complaining for years and finally gets fed up.

If he isn’t going to change then think about your long term financial situation.

All the women I know who have divorced their selfish spouses are happier and funnily enough, after divorce it terms out that the Dad’s CAN work more flexibly etc etc. They suddenly can work less.

Anyway just something to keep in mind.

@KeflavikAirport

Winkywonky Funnily enough I’m an academic too, not in the UK. I work 930 to 530, and not at weekends. I do think to a certain extent the workplace culture is what we let it be.

Yes it won't be the same everywhere. Our teaching load is extensive. I have 180 hours in front of the class alone each year.

Not got much advice OP, I'm in a similar boat though my husband is more helpful than yours. It's all a lot more challenging since Covid as well.

@HaveringWavering

OP reading back your posts and the responses, I do hope that you can indeed look to address the work expectations/practices as well as your husband’s idiocy. You say yourself that he is working long hours because he is not good at delegation etc, but you yourself are saying it is impossible to get everything done between 8.10 and 5.15. You say that everyone is expected to do 9-10 hours a day, and that the men in your organisation work 8-6. On your basic hours you are doing 8 hours a day.

Now, before I go on I should be clear-I work in an industry which is notorious for very long hours, and is very time-critical and client-driven so even the senior managers are sometimes not in control of their workloads. We all get paid very well indeed and everyone’s contract says that they must work whatever hours are necessary to perform the job- there are no “contracted hours” as such. I suspect yours is similar, so I do understand.

HOWEVER. Even our managers do not want a culture that means that people are working late every evening as a matter of course, and they would not be laughing behind the back of a part time worker who was actually doing a full time job in 5 days and getting paid 20% less. They would be open to finding a solution, as long as the employee was prepared to go over and above when business need genuinely required it. The problem is that you can get entrenched in that long hours, everything is urgent culture and stop seeing what is really urgent and what is not.

Tell me, how are these “9-10 hours” measured? Do people submit timesheets, or is it output-based? Is it possible the men are faffing about during their 8 to 6 - is that one less hour and 15 minutes you do during the day really resulting in you having to work SEVERAL extra hours EVERY evening? Or are you beating yourself up for not getting something finished when your own expectations of yourself are unrealistic? Who sets your deadlines? Can you get some training in managing expectations? Find out what the men do if they have not finished something by 6pm? I bet they just say “I’ll deliver that tomorrow morning”. Talk to your manager about the 5 days in 4 situation that has arisen. Or are you afraid to be honest because you fear it makes you look weak? Are you struggling to keep up because your technical skills fell by the wayside during mat leave? Do you have clients/colleagues in the US who want to speak to you in the evening, or ones in Asia who will want your work product on their desks at the start of their working day? In short, really really analyse why your working practices have become what they are, question everything and make some brave changes. As I said in my previous post, you could arrange one single evening for late working uninterrupted each week to allow for the reality of working in this sort of job, but draw the line at doing it on the other three. Even a few hours at the weekend every now and again to catch up in peace is better than late working every single night.

Good luck.

Fantastic post. Some really good practical advice in there.

Also, for those people saying those of us in senior roles should just stop doing the extra hours, and that if we worked out our actual hourly rate it wouldn’t be worth it … I often work a 60 hr week. I occasionally work an 80+ hr week. If I assume 60 hrs is the average and work out my hourly rate, I get £70 per hour.

I would LOVE to just work a 40 hour week, but I don’t know any industries which pay £70 per hour where you can just stop once you have done your contracted hours. If there are any then I would genuinely love to know.

I can think of freelance roles that offer that pay and that flexibility. I mean I can see I'm speaking from an entirely different mindset here but I just can't imagine giving up entire hours of my day FOR FREE at the cost of my children and my marriage to a company that would fire me without a second's hesitation if it suited them.

I just can't imagine giving up entire hours of my day FOR FREE

But many people aren’t giving up entire hours if their day for free. They are paid well to deliver a job and they work the hours required to do that.

Thanks @SuperSecretSquirrels.
I pay my personal trainer £70 an hour and I absolutely don’t want her to work a moment beyond her contracted time .

The OP is. She is part time I’m doing way over the hours she should

I think flexible working is a con for women, it just means we work harder and give more hours to our employer because we are grateful for time to see our children. Meanwhile we run ourselves into the ground trying to do everything.

@Dustyhedge

Oh god I think I could have written your post. I now need to log in to finish some stuff or get up at 5am to do it. My husband is senior so does have flex (but also does the I earn more so need to prioritise) but he has had much more time in the office while I’m working from home so it does make sense for me to be doing pick ups. He doesn’t get how it is different when he works late and is back at 8/9 versus me stopping at 5.30, getting two kids to bed, doing reading etc abs then starting work at 8/9. It is much more psychologically draining to stop and start while dealing with tired grumpy children.

Another one saying this: I could have written this. 100% the same set up. Me in cancer research (lab based) £30k Him in banking £200k Can't really argue with the fact that he can't afford to lose his job so he can't do pick ups and drop offs etc. But he also says "why don't you take my job and I'll earn £30k a year". Twat, Kids are 5 and 3. Really eye opening reading some of these responses Thanks OP

I don’t know any industries which pay £70 per hour where you can just stop once you have done your contracted hours

Are you getting £70 p/h for overtime though? If you aren’t and I expect you aren’t, you don’t earn £70 p/h. You earn far less.

There is no 'overtime' in many jobs, it's just output based.

@pinkmagnolias

I don’t know any industries which pay £70 per hour where you can just stop once you have done your contracted hours

Are you getting £70 p/h for overtime though? If you aren’t and I expect you aren’t, you don’t earn £70 p/h. You earn far less.

No, I don’t. Theoretically I only worked my contracted hours I would earn £114 per hour (but I wouldn’t have a job for long if I just stopped when my hours were up).

I worked it out based on an average of the hours I actually work, which comes in at £70 per hour.

SuperSecretSquirrels

I often work a 60 hr week. I occasionally work an 80+ hr week. If I assume 60 hrs is the average and work out my hourly rate, I get £70 per hour

If you’re working a 70 hour week you deserve it, that’s twice the hours of most people, the equivalent of having two jobs.

Few would want to live that way.

Does anyone else remember the woman posting about getting 'time in lieu' if she answered emails in the evening? Think she was public sector and moved to private sector. Sounded bonkers to me but she felt it was perfectly reasonable.

*I wish I could say my husband earns more / the same as me, but in reality, he has been out of work for 3 years!! All he does is do the school run in the morning while my nanny picks the children from school

Seriously? And you’re putting up with this?

I don't really understand this. Your 'division of labour' sounds appalling. Why are you allowing this to continue??

@supersecretsquirrels you could always consider a job that didn't pay £70 per hour? Even on half that doing 40 hours per week, you'd be on more than double the average wage.

Any update from OP?

@Iwanttoleave I'm a single parent to a 5 year old boy, work full time at a financial services data vendor and have a 2 bed flat in London with a mortgage. Ive been alone with my son since he was 8 months old. You can do it by yourself!

My son goes to after-school club until 6pm which is £15 per day, I have no local family either. What's stopping you?

My son goes to after-school club until 6pm which is £15 per day

Not everyone has after school provision until 6pm available to them. Is that not obvious?