Mum moved closer to me and she hates it

[missrleanorr]

Posted before about mum wanting to move closer to us, we finally got her somewhere and she moved in Friday.

She's complaining that their is no where for her to go the property is to dark. I can't keep going up to her everyday and worrying whether she's ok. I've told her if your that unhappy just move back it honestly feels like the biggest burden I've ever taken on I'm regretting it so much.

When she was back at her old place she just use to sit in all day on her own and my brothers would pop up sometimes.

What on earth am I supposed to do? I'm at work 4 times a week I've said I will walk with her on the evening but she needs to make an effort to go out she can't just rely on me.

I'm afraid she has to take responsibility for herself. She can't expect you to baby her. See if you can find details of any clubs or groups that she could join? A knitting group? A reading/book club? Walking? Cycling? Photography?

How old is she? It has only been a few days and many organised activities are not running. Can she visit local library, coffee shop, meet you for a walk etc? She probably is expecting you to at help her to settle short term at least but you do need to set boundaries.

I'm going to take her to the shops now, she's coming away with us on holiday on Monday.
But she's complaining that the property is to dark and she can't cope with it.

She's 66

It's early days
When I moved house 16 years ago, I hated it for the first 3 weeks, despite my house being lovely! It's change and hard to adjust to from the familiar

It isn't easy to settle in with nor much being open due to Covid restrictions

It's not for you to fix for your mum, she chose this - but you can listen. It's worth looking up your local community pages and social care information pages to find out what local community interests groups usually run. Is mum on internet and can she look these up herself?

Did she not notice how dark the property was before hand ?

Ok she's 66....
That's not old at all!!! She's an adult and unless she's severely disabled or sensory impaired (ie needs a bit more support to find local things) , she has so much she can do and find out for herself !

She might be scared that she's made a mistake in moving away from what she knows and is comfortable with. That's not to say that this is your responsibility to fix. It will probably settle as she gets used to her new house as home and when things open up properly and she can join activities and go out.

Why did she want to move closer to you?

She's 66. None of this is your problem.

Absolutely do not get into the habit of seeing her every day, or she will expect it forever.

If she doesn't like where she's living suggest to her that she starts looking for somewhere else.

Don't take it on as your problem.

Ah, this reminds me of my DMum, a bit. She moved to be closer to me and my DCs, lovely bungalow, nice town. Had been miles away, not a driver, no family nearby. She did make her own life here, big into church and church groups, U3A, that sort of thing. Towards and after the end of her life I found out she had told people how disappointed she was with me as she had not seen me enough (1-2 times a week for about 15 years not enough?) and I had lured her there on false pretences.
It would appear that 'move closer' can be interpreted as 'I will see you every day and be your sole source of entertainment and support'
She's not happy because it's all new and strange, and because you aren't there every second.
Be wary, OP.

Well, she’s not given it long has she? Is it dark, though?

Why is it too dark?

Did she help choose the house?

She's not old and she needs to take responsibility for herself. If she doesn't like it she needs arrange to move back, however I would say she should give it a good go (a week is no where near long enough).
She needs to take responsibility as obviously her needs/wants will be different to yours, so it's not something you can successfully do for her. You seem to be really worried OP, but actually this is not your issue - you could be running after her for the next 30 years!

66! That’s not remotely old!
Is the house dark? Could some changes be made to windows? Trees? A skylight?

What makes her house too dark for her? Does she not have any little things to occupy herself in the daytime. But she may get used to the new surroundings after a few weeks or so. Some older people can get set in their ways, and it's hard to deal with people who have a rigid mindset about everything.

I also have the move closer can be interpreted as 'I will see you every day and be your sole source of entertainment and support

My Mum moved abroad to be near us. It's hard.

Tell her to redecorate and buy some new lighting. Possible find a window cleaner. Job sorted. Not your problem, she is more than capable of sorting such things.

66!!! She still a relatively young woman with potentially many good years ahead. I'm sorry but she needs a bit of a kick up the bum to start taking responsibility for herself. I don't get this moaning about her property being too dark - did she not see what it was like before she moved? I don't mean to sound harsh but please don't fall into the trap of being a semi carer for her - she's far too young for that kind of nonsense - don't be played

@GillBiggeloesHair

I also have the move closer can be interpreted as 'I will see you every day and be your sole source of entertainment and support

My Mum moved abroad to be near us. It's hard.

Or ‘it would be great if you moved closer to do the school run and the free after school care’.

So she barely went out in her old house yet seems to expect to be entertained by you now she’s closer?
66 is not old! she needs to get up off her backside and find things to do!

Get her to buy some brighter light bulbs...

Do your brothers still pop in?
Can the house be made brighter?
Is there somewhere she can volunteer?
Charity shops? Library?

Forgot to say, she also hates her house.