Mum moved closer to me and she hates it

[missrleanorr]

Posted before about mum wanting to move closer to us, we finally got her somewhere and she moved in Friday.

She's complaining that their is no where for her to go the property is to dark. I can't keep going up to her everyday and worrying whether she's ok. I've told her if your that unhappy just move back it honestly feels like the biggest burden I've ever taken on I'm regretting it so much.

When she was back at her old place she just use to sit in all day on her own and my brothers would pop up sometimes.

What on earth am I supposed to do? I'm at work 4 times a week I've said I will walk with her on the evening but she needs to make an effort to go out she can't just rely on me.

@coco123456789

It is young! In this current age with healthcare and lifestyle etc I don’t think you are old till you are 80 really. My father in law took early retirement in his mid 50s and will probably end up being retired for longer than he was working!

No. 66 is really not 'young.'

Why do people say this on here - WHY?

66 is elderly. Yes, it really is. Some people don't like to hear this, especially when they're close to that age (or older) but it is elderly. You are officially classed as elderly at 65.

Why are some people on here so offended by ageing? I don't get it. It happens to everyone, it's natural and it's normal, and being older or elderly is not a bad thing, or a crime! Good grief!

Also, very few people get to retire in their mid 50s, and even if they did, they would probably not spent more years retired, than they spent working! Your father in law (who retired in his mid 50s,) must not have started working until he was 25 or 30 if he is going to spend more time retired than he spent working!

That's a blessed life for you! Most people could only DREAM of only working 30 years of their life!

BearOfEastTown
66 is not 'remarkably young,' or 'no age at all,' and is not even remotely 'young.' It is quite old. (Why do people SAY this kind of thing on here

Context

66 is remarkably young to move into a retirement setting and need your Dd to speak to the managers on your behalf, need taking to the shops etc.

Obviously 66 isn’t young in absolute terms but it is hardly your doddering dotage, and the age when many people embrace the freedom of retirement, take up new activities etc.
By the OP’s account it sounds as if her Mum has written herself off to a level of dependency more appropriate for someone with actual frailties.

Does context give people permission to SAY these things?

Bear: but being ‘elderly’ at 66 does not mean you are frail or in need of physical or social support. Not unless you have additional frailties.

People are offended (if they are offended, which I don’t think they are) it is because the Over 60s are frequently assumed to be hopeless, helpless etc.

I am shocked by the frequent ageism on MN, but not ‘offended’ by saying my age is the older age group. It is! But I am stronger, fitter and healthier than I was a decade ago, and as I said, women my age are working, starting businesses, mountain walking, camping, writing political essays, giving huge amounts of support to their middle aged offspring in terms of childcare (including running after toddlers) etc etc.

You are officially classed as elderly at 65.

This is true but it’s historic and outdated, especially now it’s younger than retirement age. It means a lot of people spend a third of their life being “elderly” which is clearly ridiculous. It’s time it was replaced with something less patronising and discriminatory.

The matter of concern here is that your Mum is getting you to do things for her that she could perfectly well do herself - you spoke to people and organised the thinning of the trees. I wonder if you need to be saying to her: "You need to speak to so-and-so about that." and leaving the ball in her court. If you always respond by doing things for her, she will not make the effort to do things for herself.

I do understand how hard this must be to do, but if you leave this learned helplessness to continue you will all be miserable.

Did you discuss expectations before she moved?
An adventure and to see her grandkids grow up sounds to me like she expected you to spend a portion of every day with her and take her out a lot. That's something that should have been clarified right away!

If it was me, I'd agree that if she isn't settling then yes, maybe she should go back and you will help her sort that out if that's what she wants.

Is she the type of person who will be saying this stuff to try to make you feel guilty and spend every day entertaining her or do you think she simply means what she says, that this wasn't a good move for her?

@BearOfEasttown he worked from 25-56 so 31 years. He has already been retired 20 years and is fit and healthy as he has an extremely stress free life as he hasn’t been worked into the ground. That’s not unusual, loads of public sector workers can retire before 60 if they benefit from the golden pension. Different times now of course!

Buy her some more powerful light bulbs?