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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mum moved closer to me and she hates it

158 replies

missrleanorr · 15/06/2021 18:31

Posted before about mum wanting to move closer to us, we finally got her somewhere and she moved in Friday.

She's complaining that their is no where for her to go the property is to dark. I can't keep going up to her everyday and worrying whether she's ok. I've told her if your that unhappy just move back it honestly feels like the biggest burden I've ever taken on I'm regretting it so much.

When she was back at her old place she just use to sit in all day on her own and my brothers would pop up sometimes.

What on earth am I supposed to do? I'm at work 4 times a week I've said I will walk with her on the evening but she needs to make an effort to go out she can't just rely on me.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 16/06/2021 14:00

[quote ineedaholidaynow]I think some people have different ideas of what a retirement flat/village can offer. This is an example of a luxury one. If I was older and could afford it, and was on my own and trying to establish a new social life, don't think I would so no to somewhere like this
www.inspiredvillages.co.uk/village/millbrook/lifestyle[/quote]
Oh for the money to be able to afford that! That’s living the dream.

cheeseismydownfall · 16/06/2021 14:08

You have my sympathy OP. I spent years listening to my DM moan about how sad and isolated she was not living near me or her other children (none of us stayed in the city we grew up in). She finally moved to be close to me and now I have spent a decade listening to her moaning about how much she hates her new location. So no change for me, except and added dose of guilt because I supported/encouraged her to move.

Eviebeans · 16/06/2021 14:09

It's still really early days. Has she moved so far away that other family can't visit? It doesn't sound as if her life has changed dramatically from when she lived in her old house as it doesn't sound as if she went out much before -maybe that is just her nature

Oblomov21 · 16/06/2021 14:12

Hang on a sec. When was the last time she saw it, post dark carpets being laid? The trees can't be that dark all of a sudden.

Ask her. Say mum is there something bothering you, because I'm struggling to work out what's wrong?

ineedaholidaynow · 16/06/2021 14:15

Did you view it a long time ago, before the trees were in full leaf?

crimsonlake · 16/06/2021 14:23

I think the op needs to clarify what type of retirement apartment it is, for instance supported living? As already said in this instance ages will vary and peoples needs and support will vary.
I work in this service and it can take people several weeks to settle. It also depends upon facilities, not everywhere offers activities and basically it is up to the family to provide this.
Depending on the mental and physical health of residents it can also be difficult to make friends in such a community.

Original poster
missrleanorr · 16/06/2021 16:47

Just spoke to her today I've managed to get the people to come out and thin the trees tomorrow. She said she is starting to feel sad and has started to look at places back home.

OH is getting fed up already and I feel like have a burden, I don't know whether I should tell her to go back or what.

OP posts:
Original poster
missrleanorr · 16/06/2021 16:48

The retirement living is just over 55's individual flats.

OP posts:
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 16/06/2021 16:52

She's being really unfair to you - quite bratty really. She's lived there less than a week! It's not your fault or responsibility if this move turned out to be the wrong one for her. But she's hardly given it a chance to find out!
I'd be tempted to tell her to do what she likes but to leave you out of it.

MarianneUnfaithful · 16/06/2021 17:07

How is her personality generally, OP? Has she always expected family to sort out her responsibilities for her?

I think I would tell her to give it 4 weeks rather than 4 days before working out how she feels, and tell her to use those 4 weeks to find out as much as she can about living in the area.

Tell her to buy cake or wine and ask her new neighbours in for a mini-housewarming welcome. Tell her she won't make ANY new friends in the flats if she is sad and looking to her old place. Be firm - she needs to give it a chance.

If she has always been manipulative, demanding etc, I would encourage her to go back, as far away as possible, as soon as possible.

helpmewiththispleez · 16/06/2021 17:07

She'll get used to it. Carpets are dark but does she have her stuff in? Maybe she needs to make it her own. I see you are going away but can you help her with putting pictures up and decorating ?

ineedaholidaynow · 16/06/2021 17:09

What does she feel would be better back in the area where she used to live? What was she expecting to be different in her new flat? She really hasn't given it time, it usually takes some time to settle in to a new place.

I know my mum had a huge wobble before she moved into her flat, wasn't sure whether she was doing the right thing. Didn't help one of her old neighbours telling her it wasn't a good idea (after contracts had been exchanged). It took time for her to settle in, but once she had got her furniture in how she wanted it felt more like home. Once she got to meet a few of the residents that helped too. Then gradually she joined in some of the activities, went on some trips etc. Obviously, that is limited at the moment but hopefully in July things will improve.

Does she have a patio/balcony she can put some flowers on. My DM was dreading not having a garden, but has made her balcony look amazing and has helped the gardening committee with hanging baskets etc

LizzieW1969 · 16/06/2021 17:14

66, that’s no age at all!! My DM is 81 and spends 2-3 months every year in West Africa doing literacy work. (Not this year because of Covid, she was gutted not to be able to go.) Your Mum needs to figure this one out herself.

ElizabethTudor · 16/06/2021 17:46

@missrleanorr

Just spoke to her today I've managed to get the people to come out and thin the trees tomorrow. She said she is starting to feel sad and has started to look at places back home.

OH is getting fed up already and I feel like have a burden, I don't know whether I should tell her to go back or what.

I think you need to deliver some tough love here. It’s not even been a week FFS. People go on holiday for less. A PP suggested she give it 4 weeks... I’d be suggesting 4 months. She’s got to give it a chance. And SHE has to do this - not you. SHE has to make an effort to integrate and settle in. If not, then yes, fine, she can go back. You are not there to facilitate this, nor make it a success. SHE has to make it work.
ineedaholidaynow · 16/06/2021 17:49

I assume there will be a notice board somewhere in a communal area with details of any events/clubs etc. Is there a communal laundry, that is usually a good place to have a natter/gossip?

Do they have a house manager?

saraclara · 16/06/2021 18:01

Has she bought, or is she renting it?

BMW6 · 16/06/2021 18:06

She really must give at least 6 months to properly decide if she stays or moves back.

My DM moved into one of these aged 55 and had a wonderful time - she was on dialysis so wanted supported living in case of sudden ill health, and she went on loads of social outings, joined darts team in communal lounge for lols, made new friends etc.

If she'd stayed in the old family home she'd have been staring at the same walls every evening all alone.

iminthegarden · 16/06/2021 18:26

Do you have any other older family members to give her a talking to? An aunt or uncle maybe? She has to meet you half way on this and make an effort or she risks completely alienating herself.

MrsBobDylan · 16/06/2021 20:05

She sounds like someone who enjoys being a burden.

Encourage her to move back home op.

Sadly, I suspect once she realises you are not sucked into the blackmail, she will suddenly be desperate to stay...

alexdgr8 · 17/06/2021 00:15

@FlorrieLindley

A retirement home at 66? Has she taken early retirement then?
what do you mean, that is currently the state retirement age.
Egeegogxmv · 17/06/2021 00:30

I would just step away and avoid mentioning the subject or make vague noises if you can't

BearOfEasttown · 17/06/2021 00:39

66 is not 'remarkably young,' or 'no age at all,' and is not even remotely 'young.' It is quite old. (Why do people SAY this kind of thing on here?) Confused

That said, if she is in reasonable health, and fairly independent usually, you need to set her straight @missrleanorr You have your own life/a job/children.

Sounds like YOU may need to move away from HER if things don't change! Did she show absolutely no sign whatsoever of being needy/whiny/dependent on you before? Surely you must have known what kind of person your mother is, before she moved really close to you? Confused

coco123456789 · 17/06/2021 09:40

It is young! In this current age with healthcare and lifestyle etc I don’t think you are old till you are 80 really. My father in law took early retirement in his mid 50s and will probably end up being retired for longer than he was working!

user1471538283 · 17/06/2021 09:55

My DM moved into a supported living community at 50 and completely wasted her time there. She never joined in or did anything even when she was invited. I doubt she was happy but then she wasn't happy in her home with my DF or her own home after the divorce either.

Maybe your DM is the same? Either way, she has to give it more time. If it really isn't for her then she needs to make the arrangements to move back.

OccaChocca · 17/06/2021 10:05

The carpets won't be helping.

I would be very careful how you approach this. How many times have you seen her since she moved in? Was she expecting you to pop in every day?

Your Mum is 66. This will potentially get much worse as she ages.

She is responsible for her own happiness. Do not try to fix the situation. If she is not happy and wants to move back then she needs to drive this. Look on the Elderly Parents board. Plenty of people on there who have been sucked into seeing/phoning their parent every day or letting them move in and bitterly regret it.