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Original poster

Mum moved closer to me and she hates it

158 replies

missrleanorr · 15/06/2021 18:31

Posted before about mum wanting to move closer to us, we finally got her somewhere and she moved in Friday.

She's complaining that their is no where for her to go the property is to dark. I can't keep going up to her everyday and worrying whether she's ok. I've told her if your that unhappy just move back it honestly feels like the biggest burden I've ever taken on I'm regretting it so much.

When she was back at her old place she just use to sit in all day on her own and my brothers would pop up sometimes.

What on earth am I supposed to do? I'm at work 4 times a week I've said I will walk with her on the evening but she needs to make an effort to go out she can't just rely on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
missrleanorr · 15/06/2021 21:22

Yes me and OH viewed it first we loved it, travelled down to get mum and brought her up to view it and she loved it. I would live there yes if it was just me and OH. It has a big kitchen she was living in a bed sit place before but it had a garden so she didn't mind.

I have contacted the retirement living to see if they could trim the trees I'm sure she would still find something to complain about.

OP posts:
LadyMargaretBeauforte · 15/06/2021 21:22

@missrleanorr "she was fed up of being at home all day in her own and she wanted a new adventure and to see her grandkids grow up. I asked her constantly is she sure this is what she wants I asked her through every step I said we can always turn back and she said no she wants to move."

Did she expect to move into to a mushroom farm? I suspect she entrusted you to find somewhere better than this. She wanted to live near family, not in Wookey Hole.

saraclara · 15/06/2021 21:22

Another one who's stunned at anyone moving into a retirement community at 66.

But we moved to my present house when I was 35. And I knew as soon as we moved in that I hated it. That afternoon I went to the estate agents to see what else was available, and it I couldn't face unpacking for weeks. (I'm still here 30 years later).
So I get the instant regret at leaving ones home for somewhere that feels like a disastrous mistake. And it's nothing to do with age.

She's just going to need encouraging through this. Like me, she's likely to adjust in time. But psychologically it can be so difficult initially.

FrownedUpon · 15/06/2021 21:25

That’s a bad choice of carpets. Surely she realised that dark coloured carpets in an already dark room wouldn’t help. She needs natural/beige carpets.

saraclara · 15/06/2021 21:25

...And yep, that choice of carpet was disastrous.
Can she afford to replace it with something light? I hope the window in that second photo is a lot bigger and lower than the one in the first. The latter makes me think of a prison cell.

moynomore · 15/06/2021 21:26

Wow, 66! I'm in my forties but have friends with teens in their sixties. She is SOOOOO not your problem.

diddl · 15/06/2021 21:30

"Did she expect to move into to a mushroom farm? I suspect she entrusted you to find somewhere better than this. She wanted to live near family, not in Wookey Hole."

Wtf are you on about?

Op didn't choose it for her!

Theworldisfullofgs · 15/06/2021 21:31

Although she's changed her environment, whatever makes her unhappy will remain. Moving house won't fix that and neither can you. Only she can do that.

Gilly12345 · 15/06/2021 21:36

What do you mean as in dark? Do you mean the decour? Can she decorate or get a painter in to make the walls lighter?

It is very early days and she has to take time to get used to it.

SpindleWhorl · 15/06/2021 21:36

How did your mother come to order such dark carpets, OP? They're almost charcoal / black. Completely awful.

Did you know?

diddl · 15/06/2021 21:43

@PotteringAlong

Why on earth did she move onto a retirement community at 66?!
Why not?
FlorrieLindley · 15/06/2021 21:57

A retirement home at 66? Has she taken early retirement then?

userxx · 15/06/2021 21:58

@Hankunamatata

Why is it too dark?

She moved to Norway.

2bazookas · 15/06/2021 22:11

Lots of people feel unsettled immediately after a housemove, then find their feet and remember why they wanted to live there and start feeling at home.. Planning new paint and curtains etc.

She's hardly had time to unpack and warm her armchair yet; give her some time.

SionnachGlic · 15/06/2021 22:17

I agree with PP...carpets far too dark & need to be changed. Also, a few days is no length, she needs to give it some time & try to settle in.

But in a retirement home at 66 sounds v premature to me if she is healthy, fit & well.

Jaxhog · 15/06/2021 22:21

Blimey, 66 isn't old! My 91-year-old Mum lives on her own. We make sure she sees someone every day (sometimes by Facetime). But she's quite happy to go for a walk on her own.

LIZS · 15/06/2021 22:23

Has she even unpacked properly yet? Strategically placed mirrors, pictures, lamps and lighter colour furniture, bedding and rugs would all make a difference.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 15/06/2021 22:35

I’d wouldn’t have chosen carpets that dark, but looks perfectly decent light from the windows to me!

I’d love to live in PPs house! If this is Wookey Hole my house would be Big Pit 🤣

@missrleanorr
It’s too soon to tell, but it does sound like she wants way more involvement in your life now she lives closer. It’s up to you if you are okay with this.

StoneofDestiny · 15/06/2021 22:37

Crikey - 66 isn't old. She needs to take responsibility for her own life. She lots of years ahead all being well.
Will she join things like U3A or groups that share her interests/hobbies?

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 15/06/2021 23:08

I think there's research to the effect that it takes 6 weeks to form new habits, so four days in a new home is absolutely nothing!

I agree with some PP you should not go overboard with spending time there/with her - don't get into a habit of your own of doing more than is sustainable.

wherewildflowersgrow · 15/06/2021 23:11

The carpets are too dark, I think. If they are bringing her down that much, she should change them, or cover them with large light rugs.

ineedaholidaynow · 15/06/2021 23:55

My DM moved closer to us and lives in retirement flats but she is 20 years older then your DM. She moved before COVID and so there were social things going on which she slowly joined in over the first few months. She is an introvert and only knows us in the area, but knew she had to make an effort to make new friends. She moved after DF died.

Slightly harder at the moment as none of the usual social activities are happening at the moment, although they have recently allowed them to use the communal lounge again (with limited numbers) so DM is beginning to see people again. Are they doing anything at all in your DM's place @missrleanorr?

Can she go shopping, use the library? Check out whether any community groups have started up yet.

Has she always been like this?

W1spaWh1sper · 16/06/2021 00:45

Get her to buy some pale rugs

Get her to buy some standard lamps for more light

Perhaps buy some house plants

Encourage her to spend more time outside in the day light

Last time I moved, it took me 3 months until I felt like it was home ( I've moved lots of times)

What is in the local area to do ?

Any volunteering opportunities for your DM or new hobbies, college courses, sports ?

LittleBearPad · 16/06/2021 00:57

She’s 66! It’s mind boggling

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