Mum moved closer to me and she hates it

[missrleanorr]

Posted before about mum wanting to move closer to us, we finally got her somewhere and she moved in Friday.

She's complaining that their is no where for her to go the property is to dark. I can't keep going up to her everyday and worrying whether she's ok. I've told her if your that unhappy just move back it honestly feels like the biggest burden I've ever taken on I'm regretting it so much.

When she was back at her old place she just use to sit in all day on her own and my brothers would pop up sometimes.

What on earth am I supposed to do? I'm at work 4 times a week I've said I will walk with her on the evening but she needs to make an effort to go out she can't just rely on me.

I was also going to suggest some pale rugs, given she’s just paid for the (admittedly very dark) new carpet.
Get some big mirrors on the walls to bounce light around.
Light lampshades.
Lots of table lamps / free-standing lamps.

Given it’s only 4 days, has she even properly unpacked? Researched the local area for activities? (She needs to do this - not you, BTW... eg local WI, book groups etc)

My parents in law sold up and moved 800 miles to be close to us (and their grandchildren). My FIL was never really totally bought into the idea. They were staying with us while they looked for a new house but after 3 months it was clear they weren’t on the same page and though they had viewed more than 100 houses, no sign of any offers. It was tense, and I was starting to despair. My MIL (69) had a massive heart attack and died. My FIL was devastated, and after living with us for about 6 months he went back to where they had lived and bought a new house (not nearly as nice as what they sold). Dealing with older family members can be difficult, but they may be more fragile than they appear.

Does your DM drive ?
Or can she get a bus to explore
Can she go for local walks to explore the area ?

I have contacted the retirement living to see if they could trim the trees

Be careful, there could be a reason the trees are there as a screen, find out what is on the other side of them and if she will be directly overlooked before they are trimmed.

They can't trim them now anyway because of nesting birds.

I'm in my 50s & can see the appeal of a retirement place.

I don't know why posters are so (faux?) shocked.

Like anywhere though, you have to make the effort to socialise/occupy yourself.

It sounds as if she didn't do much before, so has just changed the surroundings.

Perhaps she thought that she'd see a lot more of you Op?

But that's not on you-she must have known that you work & have other commitments before she moved!

Is there a communal garden at the flats? At my DM’s flats they used to have a gardening company do all the work on the grounds. The residents were not impressed with their work, so they formed a gardening committee. They have someone come in to do the mowing and heavy work, but the committee now do the tending of the flowerbeds, hanging baskets etc. It has really helped some of the residents keep active during lockdown

With these sort of places it is good to have a range of ages, some places take residents from 55.

Pre COVID some residents use them more as a base, which they can lock up and leave whilst they go travelling. They are a good way to downsize.

When my Nan moved into one, when I was much younger, I thought I would quite like to live somewhere similar as it felt a bit like student accommodation. You have your own space but social, communal areas too

There are often communal lounges in such complexes and a warden , although maybe not living on site.

Nothing wrong with living in a retirement community aged 66. It’s always better to make such a change sooner rather than too late. And I can see the appeal of them.

The flat doesn’t look too dark to me, except for the carpets. Add pale rugs.

66!!!!

I thought you were going to say 84.
You need to get your big girl pants on otherwise you've potentially got 20 years of this nonsense.

OP: Disclaimer; none of this applies if your Mum is vulnerable / ill / disabled in any way.

I am 64 and most of my friends are of similar age. We manage our lives independently, I go mountain walking, and camping with friends, or sometimes on my own. I go to the gym, try new activities, lean to deal with new fangled technology (or at least have a bloody good try before asking the D.C. ).

66 is far too young to become dependent on you. You might easily have 25 years of this. You have your own children to focus on.

She can ask the managers to check the trees!

Engage tough love.

Learned dependency has restricted women too much. Women whose husbands do all the driving, money, etc.

She is either manipulating and guilt tripping you, or else will benefit from a bit of tough love.

Don’t feel guilty.

Good luck!

There's nothing wrong g with Lucy g in retirement flats. There's even wrong with sitting on your backside at 66 and putting pressure on your children to do everything for you.

66 also seems very young to me, as these days a lot of people work until they are older than that and also don’t have kids till mid 40s.

Try again...

There's nothing wrong with living in retirement flats. There's everything wrong with sitting on your backside at 66 and putting pressure on your children to do everything for you.

66 is not old ,but its not young either! Everyone takes time to settle in new surroundings however old they are .5 days is less than a week,no time at all . As soon as Covid restrictions lift ,start to help her to settle in a bit ,look online for local groups ,check out the library and so on .

For all these people saying why has she moved at 66. Several retirement properties have a minimum age of 55! Dont think they have many that age though

My inlaws were living in their own home and working full time running a business until they were 82 and 90!
I’m 65 and gobsmacked at the idea of being such a wet blanket and dependent on my DDs for entertainment. I live 50 miles away from them and have my own hobbies and friends. I only retired as a hospital doctor 4 years ago.
OP, I think you need to back off and stop helicopter parenting your own mother. She needs to assume adult responsibility for her own life and decisions, good and bad.

@PotteringAlong

Why on earth did she move onto a retirement community at 66?!

Why wouldn't she? It's not a care home. The clue is in the title and most people are retired at that age. We get leaflets through the door all the times and they seem to be targeted at this age group. They go straight in the recycling bin because I can't think of anything worse, but I guess some people like them.

If you are moving to a new area on your own and don’t know anyone (especially in your age range) they are a really good way (pre COVID) to get to know people and build up a social circle.

My DM moved into a retirement flat near us when DF died. She is very quiet, my DF was the gregarious one who would chat to anyone he met in the street/shop in their village.

She is on her 80s but if she had been 70s (and possibly late 60s) we might still have considered a retirement flat. Some places are like villages in themselves with restaurant, cinema etc.

DM quite quickly built up a group of friends and it was lovely to see her so happy after losing my DF who she had been married to for over 60 years. Some of the ladies have an absolute wicked sense of humour. It really helped to build up her confidence again.

You don’t have to socialise with other residents, as you have your own self contained flat.

Even in COVID times DM has had some social interaction with the residents, so that has helped in these hard times. They are now starting up a few things, which is good news.

We have busy lives so she knew we wouldn’t be able to be her only source of social interaction.

@FlorrieLindley

A retirement home at 66? Has she taken early retirement then?

Erm, retirement age is 66. What makes you think she needed to retire early?

I suspect that your DM has always been draining and somehow you feel obligated to make her happy.

This is futile. Her happiness is 100% her responsibility not yours.

She’s one of life’s joy suckers, she will not change and you have to decide does she get to suck the joy out of your children’s childhood and throw a shadow over your lives. That’s your choice.

You are working almost full time, you have young children, a family and home to manage. This is massively demanding and these are your priorities. Conserve your finite emotional energy to have fun and support your DCs - they need you bright and focused. You deserve a motherhood of pleasure, enjoying your family life. Only ever surround yourself with uplifting people. Your DM is responsible for generating her own happiness. Don’t run around trying to entertain her. She is the same as she has always been. Give her x amount of your time and detach from her negativity so that you can be positive for your own family because they will sense and absorb your anxieties.

"but I guess some people like them."

One near me is set in beautiful grounds & has an indoor swimming pool.

I'd be tempted by that!

I knew a lady who bought a retirement flat in her late 50s. She was divorced, it was city centre and those properties were a good bit cheaper than a standard city centre flat.

Her reasoning was that she wanted to free up as much capital as possible from the sale of her house and enjoy herself with it. And she did. Its not always a bad choice.

She will get used to it ,it's all new and bare at the moment , the dark carpets were probably a mistake but some light rugs and cushions & curtains and a mirror will make a lot of difference . I think it is perfectly normal to feel homesick for a while .

Calling them retirement complexs often gives the wrong impression. My work takes me into lots of supported living environments. My favourite takes over 55s. Some are rented and some owned, some need care support and some independent. It is very close to the town centre, houses a cafe and some shops, well used by local people for various groups/exercise classes (pre covid!) and very dynamic. All apartments are self contained so residents can engage with activities or not
It doesn't feel like a care home or a retirement complex. I hope they all start to use this model.
Your mum sounds like she is trying to guilt trip you into taking full responsibility for her life and entertainment