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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum moved closer to me and she hates it

158 replies

missrleanorr · 15/06/2021 18:31

Posted before about mum wanting to move closer to us, we finally got her somewhere and she moved in Friday.

She's complaining that their is no where for her to go the property is to dark. I can't keep going up to her everyday and worrying whether she's ok. I've told her if your that unhappy just move back it honestly feels like the biggest burden I've ever taken on I'm regretting it so much.

When she was back at her old place she just use to sit in all day on her own and my brothers would pop up sometimes.

What on earth am I supposed to do? I'm at work 4 times a week I've said I will walk with her on the evening but she needs to make an effort to go out she can't just rely on me.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 15/06/2021 19:36

FFS, she's only 66! She's not an old woman. Don't pander to her or you'll make a rod for your own back. She needs to sort herself out or she can move.

shivawn · 15/06/2021 19:40

Ah, that is a shame.

My parents also moved closer to me a few years ago, more because they really liked this city than because of me - at least that's what they said, I'm their only child still living in the country. It's a lot better than your situation though because they have each other and they bought a serious fixer upper which keeps them both busy.

I know its harder now with covid but could you look in to any social groups in the area she could get involved with or some light volunteer work? It sounds like she's just a bit lonely and finding it hard to settle in.

LadyAddle · 15/06/2021 19:41

Does she have health issues? 66 sounds remarkably young to be so dependent on you if she hasn’t. I’m quite a bit older, and it sounds strange to me. I think you should help her orient herself to her new neighbourhood and then step back a bit. Addressing the dark problem shouldn’t be insurmountable, depending on cause - cutting back shrubs outside, white paint, good lighting, and mirrors inside. If she has a garden, that’s often a good way to get to know neighbours.

godmum56 · 15/06/2021 19:41

sadly I think it sounds like difficult conversation time

TheresWaldo · 15/06/2021 19:43

66? My husband is 64 and he works full time and we have a teenager. Unless she has significant health problems she needs to crack on with it!

ScottishNewbie · 15/06/2021 19:49

My mum is 65 and travels India, goes camping into the wilderness, takes dance classes and music classes and works full time.
Some people seem to age before their time and I don't think pandering to it helps. If you treat her as if she should be independent ( with some lovely quality time and emotional support within reason) she will be forced to sort herself out

queenatom · 15/06/2021 20:10

Out of curiosity, has she always been prone to dissatisfaction or is this a new development? This reminds me somewhat of my grandmother - complaining is her No 1 hobby, if she’s not complaining she’s probably asleep. It’s a losing game trying to satisfy her - she’s not interested in having her ‘problems’ solved, if you try she’ll just find something new to complain about (she’s lonely so you go see her more? Now she’s so tired from never getting any peace and quiet, always having you buzzing around...)

WettyHainthrop · 15/06/2021 20:19

Sixty-fucking-six?!!!

My god. She’s not even retirement age. I thought you were going to say 86. She needs to pull herself together. Jesus Christ.

Pumperthepumper · 15/06/2021 20:21

Did she also move her job closer to you OP?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2021 20:25

She's 66 not 96.

Tell her to buy some lamps.

Pixxie7 · 15/06/2021 20:33

If she didn’t go out before could it be that she has agoraphobia or is depressed?

katy1213 · 15/06/2021 20:36

Oh, for heaven's sake - she's the same age as me. She's given it all of four days - I'd have thought she'd still be unpacking.
Her social life or lack of it isn't your problem, especially as she did nothing at the last place either. There's plenty going on at the moment - if nothing else, she could be out there exploring new walks and coffee shops. I've no sympathy for silly women like this; if she wants to sit inside for the next 15-20 years or however long she has left, then leave her to it. I've a friend in her 80s and it's hard to pin her down for a coffee, she's out and about so much.

BusyLizzie61 · 15/06/2021 20:46

@missrleanorr

She's 66

A rental or buy property? Can she not decorate or use accessories to make brighter? That's part of settling in.

If it were me, I'd find details of local activities, groups, library activities, u3a, etc etc. Print it all out and pass to her. So she has things she could do... The rest is up to her...

Original poster

missrleanorr · 15/06/2021 20:52

She lives at a retirement place so they normally do things but due to covid they have stopped. She's been out more these couple of days than she ever has.

Two photos are of the living room, the flats are surrounded by trees but it isn't that dark. She chose the dark carpets.

OP posts:

Pumperthepumper · 15/06/2021 20:52

@missrleanorr

She lives at a retirement place so they normally do things but due to covid they have stopped. She's been out more these couple of days than she ever has.

Two photos are of the living room, the flats are surrounded by trees but it isn't that dark. She chose the dark carpets.

Why did she move closer?

Original poster

missrleanorr · 15/06/2021 20:54

@Pumperthepumper she was fed up of being at home all day in her own and she wanted a new adventure and to see her grandkids grow up. I asked her constantly is she sure this is what she wants I asked her through every step I said we can always turn back and she said no she wants to move.

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 15/06/2021 20:54

Why on earth did she move onto a retirement community at 66?!

Pumperthepumper · 15/06/2021 20:54

[quote missrleanorr]@Pumperthepumper she was fed up of being at home all day in her own and she wanted a new adventure and to see her grandkids grow up. I asked her constantly is she sure this is what she wants I asked her through every step I said we can always turn back and she said no she wants to move.[/quote]
Does she do any childcare for you?

FrownedUpon · 15/06/2021 20:58

She’s not old at 66! I really hope I don’t become like this when I’m older. She needs to live her own life. Set boundaries now around how often you see her & make it clear you are not providing her daily company/entertainment.

SunCatt · 15/06/2021 21:01

@missrleanorr

She lives at a retirement place so they normally do things but due to covid they have stopped. She's been out more these couple of days than she ever has.

Two photos are of the living room, the flats are surrounded by trees but it isn't that dark. She chose the dark carpets.

I think replacing those carpets with a neutral/beige colour would make a huge difference.

But just make the suggestion to her. Don't involve yourself in actuality doing it. She's not elderly, she's perfectly capable of dealing with it herself.

TDogsInHats · 15/06/2021 21:05

I can see a child's face clearly in your second photo OP, perhaps ask to remove it or something?

MatildaTheCat · 15/06/2021 21:06

Give it time, she’s just panicking. She will probably be as happy as Larry in a month or two. I’d leave her to a a fair bit and let her settle in and make some friends.

Having said that I have a friend whose mother has moved 16 times since her FD died. It turns out that none of them made her happy..

TDogsInHats · 15/06/2021 21:07

I'd like to question why the retirement home hasn't cut back the trees, covid is no excuse at all. Tree surgeons have been allowed to work all the way through the pandemic.

TDogsInHats · 15/06/2021 21:11

Many years ago, we moved to the same little estate as my parents. (Not for help with any children, they were grown up)
I hated it and moved several years later. I count my blessings that I'm not living really close to my parent, my poor brother is in the next but one street and is permanently on standby mode if anything arises. (Parent is 90+)
We siblings all help, but we're not there on the doorstep and I'm so thankful for it.

LadyMargaretBeauforte · 15/06/2021 21:16

That is a dark property.

Did Mum view it before she bought it ? Did mum choose this herself?

Would you live there OP?

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