Mum moved closer to me and she hates it

[missrleanorr]

Posted before about mum wanting to move closer to us, we finally got her somewhere and she moved in Friday.

She's complaining that their is no where for her to go the property is to dark. I can't keep going up to her everyday and worrying whether she's ok. I've told her if your that unhappy just move back it honestly feels like the biggest burden I've ever taken on I'm regretting it so much.

When she was back at her old place she just use to sit in all day on her own and my brothers would pop up sometimes.

What on earth am I supposed to do? I'm at work 4 times a week I've said I will walk with her on the evening but she needs to make an effort to go out she can't just rely on me.

@TDogsInHats

I'd like to question why the retirement home hasn't cut back the trees, covid is no excuse at all. Tree surgeons have been allowed to work all the way through the pandemic.

Maybe the other residents like the trees? What is it about the hatred of any green living thing on MN?

It’s been less than a week, OP. She needs time to settle in and get used to being somewhere different. Moving is well known to be stressful and lots of people (including me once) think they’ve made a mistake to begin with. Give her time.

66? I’m 66 and I’d feel suffocated if my children were round here every day! And I’m still perfectly capable of assessing whether I like a house before I move into it, or taking steps to sort it out if not. Does she intend to sit in the house and wait to be entertained for the next 20 years?

As PP say, the issue is not the choice of housing. O-55 leases can be a really good bet for many people on financial grounds.

The issue is her mindset, and unless you are frail in some way 66 is no age to be needing your Dd to take you to the shops or communicate with the housing managers.

And beware OP that your DH / DP, if you have one, doesn’t come to feel that there are 3 people in your marriage.

Fair enough a bit of settling in, but I think you should view these early days with your Mum nearby as ‘enabling’. E.g “yes, let’s go into the city centre on the bus together and then you’ll be fine to take yourself off whenever you please “. Etc. Be explicit about that.

Also be explicit about what she can expect from you. “This is the bus you can get if you want to pop down and see the kids”. “Obviously we are busy sometimes but when we are not it will be nice for you to come for lunch sometimes “.

“I can’t do errands in the week Mum, can you call xx tradesperson /get delivery etc”

Does she see herself as babysitting at all? Is she helpful when she comes to yours?

66 - she is a mere young thing!

There will be house alterations that can be done to make it less dark.

It sounds as though she thought she would move near you (even though already near her son) and that, as the daughter, you would make her life happen.

SHE needs to make her life happen - it is not down to you. She needs to get out and meet people, join things, volunteer, get involved. She is a grown adult and she must deal with her own life - you cannot take responsibility for her happiness.

I am grandma age and have spent years nursing a sick OH, been widowed and moved house. I do not expect my family to be my whole life and take responsibility for me. I am responsible for myself. They were by my side during the recent bad times, but I now have to get on with life. I am thrilled when they visit or invite me over or out with them, but those are bonuses in my life, not my whole life. And I look for opportunities to help them - e.g. picking up children from school.

I know this feels very hard, but there need to be some ground rules. It is reasonable to nurture her a bit through the first weeks in a new home (unpacking, putting up shelves etc.), but she needs to understand how much you are able to do. And that you have your own lives.

I have good reason to understand how hard it is for someone who has essentially lost their role. I was a student, then a worker, then a mother, then a worker again, then a carer to my OH - and now who am I? I am whoever I choose to be - I have to deal with this transition and make a new life on my own with my DDs behind me but not responsible for me.

I run a choir, sing with another, walk every day, run a book club, am a school governor, join in the pub quiz, am part of a group of women who try and do helpful stuff in the village etc. etc. - and I am older than your Mum.

It is not easy but it has to be done. How you make your Mum take this on board I do not know and I wish you lots of luck. You may have to be gently firm.

I'm in my 50s & can see the appeal of a retirement place.

I don't know why posters are so (faux?) shocked.

I'm shocked, properly, not faux and I'm also in my 50's. My Dad is nearly 90 and living independently in his own home. 66 is nothing

But you still live independently in a retirement flat. Also useful for relatives as will have usually downsized and sorted out many belongings etc.

Some new retirement flats have been built in my home time recently. I walked past the other day and some old fella was sunning himself on the balcony, loving life and I did experience a pang of envy - I did briefly wonder if I could get one and move in all by myself (maybe with DH, if I'm feeling charitable) and abandon my house that needs constant work and my garden (same) and my teenagers

You do live independently in a retirement flat. It is your own home that you have bought. It just may have other facilities attached that you may want to make use of. It’s a bit like any other “luxury flat” in a private development with other facilities like a concierge and on-site gym.

Her mistake was to move into a retirement community. My dad did at 71. At first it was ok, but the residents kept dying. Every one his floor did. It was so depressing. No outside space and a view of the supermarket car park. When he was 86 and there had been several funeral teas in the communal room in a week, he sold and bought a town house. He was so happy there. Once he lived among mixed age groups, his mood lifted. These flats can be hard to sell and the leaseholders often ask for one or two percent of the sale price. She needs to give it a chance, say a year, and then consider a move to a regular property.

Is she disabled or sick? At 66 it seems very young to be in a retirement place. A lot of people would be wanting their own independence not expecting their daughter and her family to provide them with a home and 'happiness' until they die.
She could live to be 91 - that's 25 years of life she has in front of her.
You are rescuing her too much. She sounds like the child and you are the parent. Keep pushing back on her to make her own decisions. Instead of soothing her feelings if she says things like the flat is too dark, keep saying 'what do you think you'll do about it?'
Ask her a question about what she plans to do about it.

Yes I'm similar age and live in an over 55s apartment. It's great - quiet, lovely gardens, services and company if I want it [I don't!]. I just get on with my own life.

Anyway. Stop trying to think of solutions. Sit down with her and get her to talk about what her ideal solution would be and go through the actual options and what's achievable and what's not. Present her with logic. She has to state what she DOES want rather than all the things she doesn't.

I'm only one year younger than your mother, OP. I regard it as my duty to entertain my children when they visit, not the other way round.

I think some people have different ideas of what a retirement flat/village can offer. This is an example of a luxury one. If I was older and could afford it, and was on my own and trying to establish a new social life, don't think I would so no to somewhere like this
www.inspiredvillages.co.uk/village/millbrook/lifestyle

Moving to a different area is hard, I can relate to this because I did it 3 years ago. It’s an adjustment period and it takes a while to feel settled, I think it took me about a year and it still doesn’t fully feel like ‘home’ but I’m more used to it now. She needs to find some people in the local area to talk to, maybe help her find a local support group or hobby she could take up.

Some people obviously don't understand what a retirement village is. It can look like this:

www.audleyvillages.co.uk/our-villages/coopers-hill/property/5-gloucester-crescent

It's not a care home.

[quote ineedaholidaynow]I think some people have different ideas of what a retirement flat/village can offer. This is an example of a luxury one. If I was older and could afford it, and was on my own and trying to establish a new social life, don't think I would so no to somewhere like this
www.inspiredvillages.co.uk/village/millbrook/lifestyle[/quote]
Snap.

I agree that there’s nothing wrong in living in sheltered accommodation or a retirement flat/village but unless the individual is willing and able to make an effort to integrate then it can be an absolute disaster.
If your mum is expecting you to provide company, entertainment, general dogsbody duties, carer, chauffeur etc then it’s bound for failure.
I am older than your mum and the thought makes me shudder; I would consider it if I needed to have someone keeping an eye on me, otherwise no way.
I’m not sure what OP thought would change in her mother’s routine by moving her?

Replace the carpets and it will look far better

@Iwantcauliflowercheese when you say townhouse, do you mean somewhere that has a number of floors. My FIL moved into one of these a few years ago. In the last couple of years he has found the flights of stairs to his bedroom on the top floor a bit of a struggle. In the last few months his mobility has begun to deteriorate and is now only able to go up and down the stairs once a day, so is having to look to move again.

@ineedaholidaynow Yes a house with two flights of stairs! We put in a handrail both sides so he managed fine. He slipped on the laminate flooring in his living room and was taken to hospital where he sadly died. The stairs weren't a problem at 87 though!

Pale rugs and more/brighter lamps? Does she have health issues OP? 66 is really not old. My DM is older than that and she's out doing stuff all the time.

I'm sorry @Iwantcauliflowercheese

My DF died in hospital after a fall in their bathroom My granddad died in the bath after having a heart attack. Think I might have to avoid bathrooms when I am older!

My mum is 80 later this year, she moved from Spain to a normal 2 bed flat 2 streets away from us, last January . She wouldn't contemplate a retirement flat (we looked at loads) as they are for old people! She goes to Tai Chi, WI, church and a walking group. She has made friends with her neighbours and goes out with them. I see her on my own once a week or so and she comes to our house once a week or so. Best thing she ever did!

She’s been there since Friday?

Sounds like she likes to wallow in her own loneliness and misery tbh. She’s 66, my mum is older than that and if yours isn’t disabled then she needs to a) give it a chance and b) take some responsibility for her own life! It’s not up to you to entertain her and to make sure her home is to her liking.

66!
I’m in my early 60’s. If my children tried to sort out my life for me I’d be telling them off for being cheeky young whippersnappers!