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Original poster

Iv been shamed online for being a shouty mum

274 replies

WaitroseAldi · 14/06/2021 22:26

I’m so upset.

So I’m a shouty mum, always have been and my children are absolutely fine. They are 13,11 and 5.

I don’t always shout, but it’s when Iv asked numerous times to do something or not.

There is a woman who lives behind me, she has bipolar and switches all the time, one min she’s your friend next she’s horrible.

I put a post on a local group about my cat being attacked and coming home with a cut ear. She started being rude about how cats fight and it’s nature. She then put this.

I’m so embarrassed and upset. We have had to listen to her numerous times fighting with her ex’s, police being called, her having fights with another local woman.

Im so upset and ashamed. 😔 my kids say I don’t shout much, especially since Iv started new medication over a year ago for my BPD.

One time me and dh were having a heated discussion lol and she actually walked in my house to see what was wrong. we Never argue but wtf.

Iv been shamed online for being a shouty mum
OP posts:
MintyMabel · 15/06/2021 09:42

If you had a husband and he shouted at you everyday then you would be being told to LTB.

If I had a husband who told me to go to bed at 8pm, who restricted my screen time, and who grounded me if I came home late, I'd be told to LTB. But those are things we do with children. Because children aren't adults and the frame of reference for what is acceptable and what isn't is entirely different between children and adults. If you want to make a solid argument for not shouting at children, then do it. But making it on the basis of " you wouldn't accept an adult doing it" is way off the mark.

if a teacher....
If a teacher told my child when they must go to bed, what they must eat, how they should behave in my home, that would be unacceptable too. It is another pointless argument to suggest you wouldn't accept other adults doing to your child, what you do to your child. The scenarios are entirely different.

Lotusmonster · 15/06/2021 10:15

I know someone with BPD. They are not ‘shouty’ at all. Short periods of happiness followed by long patches of deep depression and dissociation. I guess everyone’s different but this does sound odd???

EmeraldShamrock · 15/06/2021 10:21

Teacher's raise their voice if the surrounding classes heard teacher shouting constantly as per text they'd be reported to the head.
Everyone raises their voice, constantly shouting is different.
I felt sorry for Jade Goody although she was completely out of order with shilpa shetty, it let Jade down big time and it was learnt behaviour how she was raised.

spanielstail · 15/06/2021 10:28

Shouting at children doesn't achieve a lot.shouting just raised everyone anxiety and makes everyone more agitated.

Think about being around conflict - you feel tired, washed out and fed up even if it wasn't you being shouted at.

Imagine being surrounded by highly, hyperactive people - you quickly join in and become hyped up yourself.

Now picture serene, calm people who talk and don't shout, who have a calming presence.

You need to co-regulate with children. The more shouty and agitated you are the more agitated they will be. You will achieve nothing.

Parent with structure, routine and calmness and you will have a calmer household.

ConstanceGracy · 15/06/2021 10:34

So you and your neighbour both have bipolar? Small world ..
sounds like you’re deflecting.

TheTuesdayPringle · 15/06/2021 10:35

@ConstanceGracy

So you and your neighbour both have bipolar? Small world .. sounds like you’re deflecting.
No OP has borderline personality disorder and the neighbour apoarently is bipolar
alwayswithhope · 15/06/2021 10:37

@WaitroseAldi

I’m so upset because for years we listened to her and her ex husband arguing snd fighting, her kids used to run out the house screaming and come and ask for help from neighbours. Then when they broke up she got a new fella and the same happened again. Yet I shout to tell my kids to stop arguing lol and I’m a shit mum?!
So because she is damaging her kids it makes ok you’re damaging your kids? Control yourself and stop shouting at your kids. What do you mean they are ‘fine’ ? You think they prefer having a mum who shouts constantly and this actually benefits them? Poor children.
alwayswithhope · 15/06/2021 10:39

@WaitroseAldi

Because obviously I do shout, like to get their shoes on when needed. But I don’t scream, not anymore anyway! Not for a long time since I started medication for my BPD.
So your poor 13 and 11 year olds have put up with 9-11 years of their mum shouting at them if you’ve only stopped since going on medication 18 months ago. So pretty much all of their lives.
ForgedInFire · 15/06/2021 10:47

She can't go back in time and un-shout at her children so what is the point of comments like that alwayswithhope?

NVision · 15/06/2021 11:01

Lol moan about cats doing cat stuff then moan when someone moans about your own behaviour

Stop posting on facebook about petty, passive agressive stuff and move on.

TheSaucepanMan · 15/06/2021 11:03

Don't be a shouty parent, it's ok for you to say your kids are fine. Maybe they are but they're unlikely to tell you if you're so shouty. Creates a perfect atmosphere for anxiety.

alwayswithhope · 15/06/2021 11:16

@ForgedInFire

She can't go back in time and un-shout at her children so what is the point of comments like that alwayswithhope?
Taking responsibility for the impact this has had on her children and that there is truth in what the neighbour said rather than just minimising.
Chippingbird23 · 15/06/2021 11:40

@LoopTheLoops

Even my kids say their teachers shout but everyone on MN is perfect 🙄
Lol I was just going to say this. You need to raise your voice sometimes and yes ethat might mean shouting. A friend had an ex friend who reported her maliciously to a social worker said well yeah she shouts because he is naughty lol but hitting is not acceptable.

When you start screaming and verbally abusing the child at every given moment then that’s bad but everyone has had to shout at times when you can clearly see they are not listening if or they are being overly naughty. Mumsnet is very unrealistic place to the real world

LoopTheLoops · 15/06/2021 11:46

I had to shout at my son this morning and he can be told one million times to get dressed and he still won’t I’ve asked over and over again nicely for him to put his top on, his socks on, his shoes on, there’s only so many times you can repeat it before you do shout and funnily enough that’s when they do it, but maybe everyone on MN has little angels that are perfect at all times and always do what they are told the first time. Or not!

Chippingbird23 · 15/06/2021 12:26

@LoopTheLoops

I had to shout at my son this morning and he can be told one million times to get dressed and he still won’t I’ve asked over and over again nicely for him to put his top on, his socks on, his shoes on, there’s only so many times you can repeat it before you do shout and funnily enough that’s when they do it, but maybe everyone on MN has little angels that are perfect at all times and always do what they are told the first time. Or not!
Exactly! Or when my two are bickering and I’m saying stop it , come on be nice. Then it starts to turn into a full on fight and voice raises loudly oh yes I’m shouting and they suddenly stop. Works wonders.

It’s just not realistic parenting what’s said on here a lot of the time. My kids say the teachers shout as well when they aren’t listening, there is always one teacher who particularly shouts and I’ve heard it at a sports day one year, They soon listened and behaved themselves lol

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 15/06/2021 13:46

Show me one parent who hasn't lost it after asking their kids to, e.g., put their shoes on for the millionth time that morning.

ChangePart1 · 15/06/2021 13:52

Shouting at kids is just awful.

I'm really glad you recognised the issue and have been working to reduce the amount of shouting and screaming you do. Don't be disheartened if you have problems to deal with down the line as a result of the verbal abuse, you might need some professional support for the kids as well as for you.

If she has overheard a lot of shouting then others will have too, there's a possibility someone will end up reporting you to social services for some support. Hopefully this is the end of it.

GreyhoundG1rl · 15/06/2021 13:55

@MyGhastIsFlabbered

Show me one parent who hasn't lost it after asking their kids to, e.g., put their shoes on for the millionth time that morning.
Occasionally, maybe. But op is shouting / screaming to the point where she has apparently apologised for the mayhem on the local WhatsApp group. That's extreme...
CaraherEIL · 15/06/2021 13:56

Minty
Boundaries are important for children constantly shouting is not, I made a reference to how unacceptable it is to constantly shout at minors who are not able to remove themselves from the situation.
An adult is able to remove themselves from a situation where someone constantly shouts at them whereas a 5 year old cannot.
The comparison I made in relation to shouting is perfectly valid.
I made no comparison between acceptable boundaries that parents make for their children and adult behaviour between a husband and wife anywhere in my post because it is simply not relevant.
By your criteria shouting is as necessary to parenting as boundaries, so I think your argument is flawed rather than mine.

shivawn · 15/06/2021 14:01

@WaitroseAldi

We live in new builds, I can literally see into her kitchen. I can hear when she has conversations in her garden. We keep the doors open all the time 🙈
Exactly why I'd be really hesitant to move to a new build. Our 1940's terraced house has issues but a bomb would have to go off next door before I heard any sound from the neighbours!
ChangePart1 · 15/06/2021 14:07

@shivawn

Bit of a derail but I've never had such good soundproofing as in our new build. Can't hear a single thing from neighbours, and the gardens are big enough that you certainly can't see into any of the other homes and can't hear people in their own gardens from indoors in your own house. I don't think it's a new/old build issue, just depends on the house.

UnChatNoir · 15/06/2021 14:16

Don't be disheartened if you have problems to deal with down the line as a result of the verbal abuse, you might need some professional support for the kids as well as for you

Good grief ...

alexk3 · 15/06/2021 14:20

You clearly don't understand how bipolar works but also how do you know your kids are fine with you shouting? I grew up with a shouty mum and I want nothing to do with her now

GreyhoundG1rl · 15/06/2021 14:21

@UnChatNoir

Don't be disheartened if you have problems to deal with down the line as a result of the verbal abuse, you might need some professional support for the kids as well as for you

Good grief ...

Why? Why assume a lifetime of being screamed at will leave no mark?
UnChatNoir · 15/06/2021 14:24

It's just ridiculously overdramatic and suggests that any parent on this thread, who has lost their temper before, has somehow scarred their child for life.

But of course, some people are just perfect parents on here aren't they Wink