Iv been shamed online for being a shouty mum

[WaitroseAldi]

I’m so upset.

So I’m a shouty mum, always have been and my children are absolutely fine. They are 13,11 and 5.

I don’t always shout, but it’s when Iv asked numerous times to do something or not.

There is a woman who lives behind me, she has bipolar and switches all the time, one min she’s your friend next she’s horrible.

I put a post on a local group about my cat being attacked and coming home with a cut ear. She started being rude about how cats fight and it’s nature. She then put this.

I’m so embarrassed and upset. We have had to listen to her numerous times fighting with her ex’s, police being called, her having fights with another local woman.

Im so upset and ashamed. 😔 my kids say I don’t shout much, especially since Iv started new medication over a year ago for my BPD.

One time me and dh were having a heated discussion lol and she actually walked in my house to see what was wrong. we Never argue but wtf.

I love it when people come on AIBU and then only take answers that agree with their situation. “decent”
Pot kettle black.

Why is she saying in her post that you complain about your children on Facebook?

If it’s not a problem to shout at your kids, why have you worked with a psychiatrist and with medication to stop it? 🤨

It’s shit growing up with parents shouting at you.

Not the occasional shout for safety, or from sheer frustration. But the day in day out unnecessary shouting that it a “shouty parent”.

Her fb post was rude but it just sounds like between her and her trashy posts and alcoholism, your neighbour shouting at her 4yo constantly, and you with your shouting - you just all live on Jeremy Kyle Way.

Turn of comments and quietly let it disappear.

I think the lesson really for you, OP is about not going to social media and opening yourself up for potential negativity you don’t need.

You were upset about your cat understandably, but going to the local group was very unlikely to solve anything and just get people’s backs up. No one is going to neuter their cat because they see a post saying “I think an cat that hasn’t been neutered attacked mine (I’m assuming you didn’t see it happen so can’t know 100%)” and go “oh I should get my cat neutered”, abs even if that did happen the cat may not mellow.

All it did was make you look like you were blaming people and calling them bad owners (although I am very much in team neuter, people will take it as criticism).

Just think how you will use SM in future so you don’t end up feeling like this.

Does anyone not shout? I don't really much now they are teenagers, but when they were little I did about once or twice a week.

I think the lesson really for you, OP is about not going to social media and opening yourself up for potential negativity you don’t need

And you could include Mumsnet in that sphere.

@WaitroseAldi

I had a lightbulb moment this morning.

As I said I rarely shout anymore, unless I’m majorly pushed.

But my NDN shouts a lot at their 4 yo. Like a lot. And the child shouts back. I can hear everything through our -thin- walls.

I wonder if she thinks that’s me?!

You know this neighbour well. You were friends of a sort. I think she knows your voice when she hears it. It's bizarre to think she'd mistake your neighbour for you.

@FortunesFave

It's better not to comment much on those community pages. I don't. There's always some mad person who'll get offended or have a go.

Ask the moderators to delete it and comment only when it's needed. There was no point in posting about your cat fighting really. Nobody can do anything about it.

100% this.

What @HarebrightCedarmoon says. You can’t go on SM of any platform and just anticipate that people will agree with you. In particular of you are talking about one person then they are going to respond.
Lesson learnt OP

So until a year ago you screamed at your children?

The people that live in the house behind us shout at their kids.

I've never met any of them. But I know their names due to the shouting. Your neighbours shouldn't have to deal with your shouting. It's really annoying in my opinion. Sorry OP

Most people shout at their children occasionally. It doesn’t do any harm if they know they are loved and it’s not constant. The odd bellow helps them remember whose in charge.

Frequent shouting over not very much isn’t ideal, but it’s not end of the world either. It’s how some families live.

I’d not let it upset you too much. Better a child is shouted at sometimes than given free rein to do exactly as they want.

My mum was a shouter. If she'd asked (hah!), I'd would have said it didn't bother me because I would have been too scared to say anything else. It had a profound effect on me. Even now, in my 60s, I have a knee jerk reaction to being shouted at. It takes me right back to that miserable childhood, I feel powerless and frightened and generally cave in.

I'm not saying all shouting is wrong but doing it all the time is counterproductive. My mum shouted all the time and it was pointless . I was so scared I'd just hear the noise and miss the content of the words my dad shouted at me maybe three times in 18 years and because it was so rare I knew what he was saying was important.

I grew up in a house with partial deafness and autism, shouting was a part of daily life and unfortunately many people do feel the need to judge.

Shouting is NOT abusive, abuse is the 'intent of the language' used not the volume of it, in fact the most abusive people I have ever met where often quite quiet and sneaky about it.

@HarebrightCedarmoon

Does anyone not shout? I don't really much now they are teenagers, but when they were little I did about once or twice a week.

If it was only once or twice a week, I doubt the neighbours would hear it enough to comment.

I have shouted at my kids about 3 times in 20 years. Was brought up in an abusive shouty home and it was horrible.

Personally, I don’t like over-shouting, it has its uses, ie if your child is about to do something dangerous, otherwise it’s not an effective means of communication. Instead of shouting, speak to them in a normal tone and teach them how to deal with conflict at the same time, so when they argue, help them resolve it for next time. Children will always argue, it’s their way of learning to negotiate and compromise. Delete the post and ignore any further involvement.

You start of saying you're a shouty mum and always have been, then it's you rarely shout. Which is it? I have shouted at my child before but it's not often, my neighbours shout at their children all the time and tbh it gets awkward to listen too. Delete your comments on FB and block her. You can't stop her from saying it, and now you're aware that she can hear, and more likely, other neighbours can too. If that embarrasses you, lower your voice, you don't need to really shout to tell your child off.

I think living in a house growing up where you get shouted at a lot is very stressful and damaging.
If you had a husband and he shouted at you everyday then you would be being told to LTB.
Because children are more vunerable and literally can’t leave why should they be exposed to this behaviour constantly.
I wondered if you listened to a recording of yourself if you would be shocked at how you sound. It is distressing to listen to someone younger and smaller being yelled at.
In no other walk of life is it acceptable to shout at people to change behaviour or get things done why is it ok to happen to someone everyday in their home.

I probably shout at my daughter at least once a week, she's bone idle lazy and does absolutely nothing, she's 21 BTW and could not care less what the neighbours say they don't have to come home after 12 hour shifts to find their homes a bloody mess.

Annonymous
I think shouting at a 21 year old adult who is able to move out is vastly different to shouting at a 5 year old.

If a teacher/ anyone shouted at my child everyday I would make a complaint shouting at someone is not an effective way to get anything done. It is designed to be intimidating and is more a reflection of the person shouting losing their temper than it is an effective tool to manage behaviour.
Also children mirror behaviour and if you would like them to resolve disagreements without shouting then it is better to look at different behaviours that you would prefer them to demonstrate to manage their relationships.

If you can be heard by someone living in the house behind you, that's pretty bloody bad...

Perhaps if you live in a heavy stone built cottage. I can easily hear people shouting in the new build houses round by me and I daresay others would hear me too.

OP, tell them to come round yours and see if they can get your kids to do teeth, hair, shoes at 8.30 am without losing it just a little.

I grew up with a shouty mum and it was shit.

I grew up with a shouty mum and it wasn't.

You should need to shout to the extent a neighbour is commenting in it. My NOD is a lovely mum, and even when her DC are incredibly annoying, she never raises her voice. I rarely shout at my DC and really don't see the need to do so. You need to sort your own problems out. The fact she also has issues is irrelevant, you can only sort your own issues, not compare them

NDN not NOD. Next door neighbour