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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Iv been shamed online for being a shouty mum

274 replies

WaitroseAldi · 14/06/2021 22:26

I’m so upset.

So I’m a shouty mum, always have been and my children are absolutely fine. They are 13,11 and 5.

I don’t always shout, but it’s when Iv asked numerous times to do something or not.

There is a woman who lives behind me, she has bipolar and switches all the time, one min she’s your friend next she’s horrible.

I put a post on a local group about my cat being attacked and coming home with a cut ear. She started being rude about how cats fight and it’s nature. She then put this.

I’m so embarrassed and upset. We have had to listen to her numerous times fighting with her ex’s, police being called, her having fights with another local woman.

Im so upset and ashamed. 😔 my kids say I don’t shout much, especially since Iv started new medication over a year ago for my BPD.

One time me and dh were having a heated discussion lol and she actually walked in my house to see what was wrong. we Never argue but wtf.

Iv been shamed online for being a shouty mum
OP posts:
Cardioquestion · 14/06/2021 23:15

I would find that kind of confrontation from a neighbour really upsetting, particularly when it's out of context like that.

On the other hand, I do think it's really important to find other ways of calming down and just decide that your house is a no yelling zone from now on.

Catra · 14/06/2021 23:17

@GreyhoundG1rl

Really? Hmm What a coincidence! She doesn't mean the op!
To clarify, I'm not the OP's actual neighbour!

I'm pretty sure there's a cacophony of shouty mums out there ... I also think cacophony is a fitting collective noun for shouty mums Grin

Baddit · 14/06/2021 23:17

Sounds like she hit a nerve tbh. Maybe deep down you know the command and control approach isn't working for you?

Scbchl · 14/06/2021 23:21

All parents will shout occasionally. However there is a difference with that and a shouty mum, who in my opinion is someone who shouts ALL the time, cant keep their cool ever and is even roaring and shouting in public and days out. I feel sorry for those kids, it must be mortifying and horrible but not for kids who occasionally get shouted at. Sounds like she took offense to your cat post and is just trying to stick the knife in to be honest. If her house is quite close to yours tho maybe the shouts bounce and echo off her house. Should maybe keep the door closed sometimes.

TheTuesdayPringle · 14/06/2021 23:21

It's all very unpleasant but it has happened and you need to find a way to move on.

Lots of posters have made helpful suggestions about getting the post taken down. You could start with that.

Then stay off that facebook page, it's just shite.

And when you've calmed down a bit, maybe you can make more of an effort to focus on shouting less.

Your comments about your neighbour are pretty awful, just steer clear of her if you don't like her. But going on about her MH difficulties does not redeem you.

.

bloodyhell19 · 14/06/2021 23:27

@WaitroseAldi

I can say hand on heart that I rarely shout now, it really takes something to lose my temper and have to step away or shout. Which is why I’m so shocked and upset tbh because I have worked hard with my psychiatrist and the medication I’m on to try and be a better person/mum.
Take the grace you're expecting for not shouting for a year and extend it towards the neighbour who has also struggled with her MH and partner or whatever was going on, but you're so keen to wax lyrical about to somehow discredit her. You're taking the easy "wronged party" route instead of looking at your own behaviour. Again - have you previously posted on a public forum as the commenter said and apologised for shouting at your kids? Because if that's the case you cannot really expect anyone to not call you out on it when you've already publicly admitted it.
saraclara · 14/06/2021 23:31

There's a shouty mum that lives opposite me. I've never heard her communicate with her kids in any other way. Now they're teenagers and all three shout at each other. I don't think they know any other way to be except angry and shouty.

Why on earth are you yelling the word "bloody" at them anyway? You're going to love it when they start swearing at you.

Babyroobs · 14/06/2021 23:33

@LoopTheLoops

I think only on MN do people never shout at their kids and call it abuse if anyone does, I have 4 and if I didn’t shout they would never listen!
I had four , it was very difficult. I admit I shouted too much when they were young. I regret it now. Things that seemed awful back then seem very trivial now. Thankfully they all seem to have turned out as lovely, responsible young people. I hope I haven't damaged them. A school mum once commented that she was waling past our house and heard me swearing and shouting ( in the garage at the side of the house). I was mortified even though she said it in a jokey way.
ZealAndArdour · 14/06/2021 23:39

How is your BPD a valid thing to bring into it if you’re using her bipolar diagnosis against her?

MiddleClassProblem · 14/06/2021 23:41

But re the cat thing. What did you think would happen? The cat owner would see it and get their cat neutered?

It wouldn’t guarantee it would chill out. Your cat could get attacked by a fox. Do you know it was this one particular cat?

I totally agree that cats should be neutered. So many unwanted litters and FIV etc. But clearly a post like that is not going to make anyone who already won’t get their cat neutered, think “Oh they’re completely right! I must book them in with the vet immediately.” They probably don’t give a fuck.

MiddleClassProblem · 14/06/2021 23:43

Also, the bipolar comment makes me shudder. I’m not sure you understand the condition or if you have self diagnosed them.

Chloemol · 14/06/2021 23:51

Tbh I would just reply about all you have told us here about her family

Thewiseoneincognito · 14/06/2021 23:53

My god OP you sound like a mum from hell. Your poor poor kids. What does your DH say or does he get an ear full too? Hopefully someone takes note of that post.

💐 for the kids

TurquoiseLemur · 14/06/2021 23:57

I grew up with a shouty parent. Did we listen? Not really, we just tried to tune out. We didn't respect our parent for shouting, we just thought he was an arse who was seriously out of control. He probably insisted to other people that we were all fine with it. . . but we weren't.

Is it possible your kids have said "Mum, you don't shout THAT much" because they are trying to appease you?

It's not great that you appear to be being snide about your neighbour's mental health, esp when you yourself have a diagnosis of BPD. These diagnoses notwithstanding, it sounds (no pun intended) that you and this neighbour BOTH have problems with boundaries.

Staffy1 · 14/06/2021 23:58

Comment "that's rich..." and then turn off comments on your post.

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2021 00:06

@Chloemol

Tbh I would just reply about all you have told us here about her family
Awful advice

It might be entertaining for the popcorn munching onlookers but not so for the families involved.

Biscusting · 15/06/2021 00:15

I’m confused. The OP says the neighbor is bipolar but also the OP is on medication for BPD. Are you both suffering from the same thing?

eatsleepread · 15/06/2021 00:20

Children will love even the shittiest parents (which I'm not saying you are!), so I wouldn't go by the opinion of yours. Of course they're going to want to protect your feelings.

BluePeterVag · 15/06/2021 00:21

I’m also confused. Two lots of people with bipolar? Both shouty at times? Slanging match on social media and so embarrassed you’ve come on here to broadcast it further?

ThisMustBeMyDream · 15/06/2021 00:30

BPD is borderline personality disorder. Not Bi-polar.

TurquoiseLemur · 15/06/2021 00:31

BPD usually stands for Borderline Personality Disorder. Confusingly, I have also seen it used to mean bipolar.

And some people have both these diagnoses.

spaceghett0 · 15/06/2021 00:40

Urgh my next door neighbour shouts at her kids all the time. Even when she's asking a question she shouts it. I was sat in my garden with DH a few days ago and she shouted so loudly she made us both jump. SS are involved and have been for years, she still shouts at her kids though.

BluePeterVag · 15/06/2021 00:42

Interesting, I have only seen BPD to mean bipolar, used by people I know with diagnoses.

earthyfire · 15/06/2021 00:44

At the moment my son has a very shouty teacher who does shout at children not over. My son is a very quiet laid back child and it really stresses him out.
Re. the facebook page, I'd never post on a local area page mainly because I wouldn't want the whole of my facebook friends list/neighbour seeing what I'm writing about.

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2021 00:44

@WaitroseAldi

I can say hand on heart that I rarely shout now, it really takes something to lose my temper and have to step away or shout. Which is why I’m so shocked and upset tbh because I have worked hard with my psychiatrist and the medication I’m on to try and be a better person/mum.
I've just realised you started two identical threads (the other in the parenting topic).

On that thread you said...

WaitroseAldi Mon 14-Jun-21 22:36:28
I have BPD, parenting is fucking hard. I find it hard. Not going to lie, I do shout. I hate it. But they don’t bloody listen sometimes. But being shamed online is awful.

No mention of rarely shouting now?

Either way, if you're so concerned about being 'shamed' online, why have you started 2 identical threads on a public online forum?