Iv been shamed online for being a shouty mum

[WaitroseAldi]

I’m so upset.

So I’m a shouty mum, always have been and my children are absolutely fine. They are 13,11 and 5.

I don’t always shout, but it’s when Iv asked numerous times to do something or not.

There is a woman who lives behind me, she has bipolar and switches all the time, one min she’s your friend next she’s horrible.

I put a post on a local group about my cat being attacked and coming home with a cut ear. She started being rude about how cats fight and it’s nature. She then put this.

I’m so embarrassed and upset. We have had to listen to her numerous times fighting with her ex’s, police being called, her having fights with another local woman.

Im so upset and ashamed. 😔 my kids say I don’t shout much, especially since Iv started new medication over a year ago for my BPD.

One time me and dh were having a heated discussion lol and she actually walked in my house to see what was wrong. we Never argue but wtf.

[Blue4YOU]

Is “bloody” swearing?
Fuck me, I’m a really shite mum then.
Joking aside - if put your bloody shoes on is abuse…
For info I don’t swear or shout at my child because she’s seriously disabled and I have to do everything for her and so on.
But I’d be lying if I didn’t walk out of her room saying to myself “please go to fucking sleep” at 1am, 2am, 3am …

[Mousetown]

@Divebar2021

You might want to report your thread OP. You’ve left one of your children’s names in there.

I don’t think thats her child’s name. Post is referring to an un-neutered Tom cat.

[WorraLiberty]

But I’d be lying if I didn’t walk out of her room saying to myself “please go to fucking sleep” at 1am, 2am, 3am …

What has that got to do with the OP shouting at her young kids?

[Lalliella]

Haven’t rtft so someone else might’ve said this, but if she’s commented on one of your posts you should be able to delete her comment.

[NumberTheory]

I've had to curb by "natural" shouty-ness. I grew up in a shouty house with a shouty mum (and shouty grandparents and shouty aunts and uncles...) and didn't realise how much it does actually upset kids.

I would have said it did me no harm, but I know many kids say that about spanking too, yet research says otherwise. Research (see this for a lay overview) also says that kids with parents who shout are less happy than kids with parents who use other tactics. My kids complain about adults who shout. It's the the most common complaint they have about teachers they don't like and, when they were younger before I managed to curb it, it was their biggest complaint about me.

I don't want to shame you for doing it, because I did it too and I understand why it seems like the appropriate response a lot of the time, but I do want to urge you to try and find other ways to deal with it. Some of that is a matter of learning to see things differently and not requiring control in quite the same way and that can be scary. It isn't easy and, with kids as old as yours are now, it might need family therapy or something as the kids' behaviour will be a bit ingrained too so much harder to just change your own. But please give it a try.

(Also, while I can't see how anyone is going to stop the cats fighting, I think your neighbour was out of order posting the way she did).

[NumberTheory]

Sorry - I missed your last update where you say you've been trying to stop. Well done.

Please ignore your neighbour and just keep trying to do your best for your kids.

[EmeraldShamrock]

It isn't great I know a few shouty parents and it amazes me how it doesn't seem to bother their DC, My 2 are soft they'd be devastated if I start roaring.
However there is one particular family they act all high and mighty snotty he works in a bank, they are disgusting the way they ROAR at the 3 little girls at bedtime, the Dc must be so confused by their day time Disney parenting.
I give her the evil eye.
I have raised my voice when I mean business.

[GingerScallop]

@NumberTheory what helped you change?

[IAmDaveTheSerialShagger]

@WaitroseAldi

I don’t shout all the time, and especially not since the start of last year. It’s normally just stuff like “will you stop bloody arguing” , “leave your sister alone!” “Stop fighting!” Not bloody abuse.

You need to reflect on your actions not be defensive over it, regardless of what she has done, your shouting is affecting not only your children, but your neighbours.

[EmeraldShamrock]

Recognising you have a choice in everything you do helps, knowing you can't control the moment but you can control your reaction to it. Choice theory is a good read.

[IAmDaveTheSerialShagger]

@LoopTheLoops

Even my kids say their teachers shout but everyone on MN is perfect 🙄

Absolutely agree, perfect parents on here you know!

[Estasala]

1, 2, 3 Magic is a really good book for a more effective alternative to shouting, for issues like put your shoes on, arguing etc.

[EmeraldShamrock]

Absolutely agree, perfect parents on here you know!
C'mon now not perfect parents but if your neighbours call you out for constantly shouting at your DC it is bad parenting, sorry OP you're struggling it happens but you need to take ownership and stop it.

[ExhaustedFlamingo]

What I find hard to believe is that some posters find it inconceivable that it's possible to parent your children without shouting.

We all have flaws, and I have many things that I wish I'd done better/differently as a parent - but I don't shout at my DC. I have autistic twins and I've seen the effect a raised voice has on them (I have shouty relatives), it's totally counterproductive. So if I was a shouty person, it would be hugely detrimental in our circumstances. As it happens, I was brought up with a very shouty mum, and I really hate shouting now. Hence why I can say hand on heart, I don't shout.

My DC don't shout at me either, even if they're cross. Years ago, someone said "what goes in their ears, comes out their mouth" and that bit of advice has always stuck with me.

I know the OP has come back and said she's working on it, which is great. A shouty environment really isn't wonderful for kids.

[Onesnowynight]

What has her having bipolar got to do with things?

One minute you are shouting mum then next you haven’t shouted since the beginning of last year. Sort it out. It’s embarrassing and soul destroying for your kids who know no different.

[Yellownotblue]

A cat fight about a cat fight? Priceless.

YABU to complain about cats fighting. Keep your cat inside if that’s an issue for you.

She WBVU to shame you for shouting at your kids. That was totally not on.

It sounds like you are working hard at controlling your temper. Well done. Ignore her, remove yourself from the group, and keep your head up high.

[ittakes2]

I am not judging you because I have been terribly shouty in the past but I work on it because I am sorry you are wrong it does affect the kids. When a parent shouts it is because they have lost control and that not only scares children but you are their role model so you are teaching them to be aggressive if they want something.

[mathanxiety]

There is a woman who lives behind me, she has bipolar and switches all the time, one min she’s your friend next she’s horrible.

I am pretty sure this isn't what bipolar involves.
..................
You say you've improved since changing your medication, and that you've done a lot of work on yourself.

How many years of shouting do you have under your belt previous to last year? Is it possible that not living with it on a daily basis makes every instance of it worse for the neighbour?

To a certain extent constant shouting starts to become a background noise, but if it stops and then starts up again intermittently it becomes like nails on a blackboard every time, and there is the dread that it's going to become a daily routine again.

There is also the matter of people stuck at home all day every day thanks to covid. Maybe all the neighbours have heard more than they would normally hear of you shouting at your children. If nobody sprang to your defence on that chat, I think you can take it that your shouting has been noticed by more than the neighbour who posted.

[WeIcomeToGilead]

Just stop shouting at them then - most things can be resolved without resorting to roaring at them

)I say this as somebody with shouty tendencies)

[Mintjulia]

She has bipolar, she's entitled to her view and you disagree with her views. I'd just ignore her. There's nothing to be gained by continuing the slanging match.

I'd also try to keep the noise down before someone complains to the council. Or move somewhere with thicker walls.

[Mintyt]

Look, she has hit a nerve. Have a think,are you shouting more, if you are learn from it, ( we all shout sometimes)
And don't worry about it anymore. Move on and don't let it upset you further.

[rwalker]

Get the post deleted but TBF by your own admission your a shouty mum .

[maddiemookins16mum]

We live three doors down from a ‘shouty mum’, it’s awful. I feel so sorry for those kids. Oh and believe me, your kids hate it too.

[Iggly]

@ExhaustedFlamingo

What I find hard to believe is that some posters find it inconceivable that it's possible to parent your children without shouting.

We all have flaws, and I have many things that I wish I'd done better/differently as a parent - but I don't shout at my DC. I have autistic twins and I've seen the effect a raised voice has on them (I have shouty relatives), it's totally counterproductive. So if I was a shouty person, it would be hugely detrimental in our circumstances. As it happens, I was brought up with a very shouty mum, and I really hate shouting now. Hence why I can say hand on heart, I don't shout.

My DC don't shout at me either, even if they're cross. Years ago, someone said "what goes in their ears, comes out their mouth" and that bit of advice has always stuck with me.

I know the OP has come back and said she's working on it, which is great. A shouty environment really isn't wonderful for kids.

This is so true.

I know parents who come across as so so calm and measured. Their kids are quiet and you can bet that they don’t have shouting in their house.

I wish I could be like that and really do try and I do fail a lot because I fall into old habits of what my mum/adults did with me. I’m going to take on board a lot of the helpful comments on here.

OP - it must be obvious but your shouting will sound worse to other people (including your kids) than it does to you.

[roobicoobi]

So I’m a shouty mum, always have been and my children are absolutely fine. They are 13,11 and 5.

Are they really 'absolutely fine' though?

The effects of having a parent like this can run deep.