Using my inheritance to fund adult child's PhD: Aibu not to? Long post, sorry

[toconclude]

DS2 has his heart set on an academic career in a niche subject(not STEM), related to his special interest - he's autistic but no LD in fact very bright. He lives rent free in his own home funded by a lump sum from invested DLA plus interest free loan from us.

Bluntly I feel his ambition is not realistic: even were he not autistic, openings in his field are very rare. But he's decided it's the only thing that will make him happy and talks of feeling very low if he can't achieve it. I've tried gently but clearly explaining how tough making an academic career is - I know people who have struggled severely and had in the end to follow other paths. Have suggested he look more short term and try to find more rewarding work day to day, get involved in his local community etc and follow the special interest as a hobby. Every conversation circles round to the same subject though.

He also struggles to stay employed anyway but puts it down to the jobs not being suitable for him - imo there is more to it than that as he finds social interaction hard at times and any fast paced environment stressful. He has no real idea of academic work and thinks it's all interesting research and set piece lecturing. Sadly his tutors so far do not seem to have impressed the reality onto him.

Thing is, I could in theory use my inheritance from late DM to fund a PhD, though it would eat the majority of it up especially if I were to match fund DS1 which would only be fair. DH and I can live modestly on his decent pension and my small one (had to take long career break due to DS2 needs and unpredictable nature of DH job at the time meaning no money for childcare and irregular contract working so irregular paternal availability). After DH dies I should also be financially stable. DMs money is just for an income for treats at present, plus rainy day/eventual care fund. DS2 does not know how much I have but says if I were 'more supportive, like other parents (unspecified, but he's sure they exist and I guess probably they do)' I'd help him out more and specifically with more study.

I think we've helped him a fair bit including financially - he is 30 and has never had to pay rent either at home or away,we funded 5 years of post 18 living and housing costs for first degree and Masters topping up his student loan plus regularly buying things he needs/paying essential bills and some big ticket items though he has met his basic living expenses through earnings and benefits.

Having looked at various MN threads consensus appears to be that we should financially support him until he can support himself but what if that's the rest of our lives? Am I just a selfish bitch for wanting more than a basic retirement? What will DS1, who frankly doesn't like his brother very much owing to many childhood and later embarrassments/stresses and doesn't keep in close touch with him, make of it if I do?

It would be so much easier if we just couldn't afford it, tbh. I feel morally compromised because in theory the cash is there. First world/middle class problem, eh?

He will never do without essentials, we're committed to that. We just seem to have very different ideas on what's essential

A medal for anyone who got this far, lol. Didn't want to dripfeed.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I have a son who's similar, OP, but there's no money or inheritance to fund him for any of this. He is also very unrealistic. Similar relationship with his sibling, she will not be caring for him, we've made this clear that she should not, he's very hard to live with, and she plans to emigrate anyway. Good. I don't want her spending her life on him.

NO, please do not fund this. You may need it yourself for health problems, you never know.

You've done enough for him.

There are often lots of local charities who will offer placements and support for those needing to enter employment, for those with SEN and those who are NT. He clearly does need some support entering the jobs market and remaining employed.

I seriously wish people would stop spouting this utter drivel. It's total bullshit. There's very little to no support out there for people with disabilities, particularly in this category.

It's actually what I find so hard about having a child like my son and yours, OP, there's no place for them in this world and they are so unrealistic and stubborn it's not going to make for a nice life for them.

My son will pester and badger and harp on the one thing he wants until I honestly wish I were dead.

You have to grey rock this.

If he's aiming to be an academic, he will need to develop a track record of securing grants - ideally starting with funding for his own study and training. Getting funding doesn't just allow you to do the PhD, it's an achievement that you put on your CV, which is a passport to getting the next lot of funding. It says that of all the people with a BA or master's, you were in the top few per cent of the cohort, and only that top few will end up making it in academia. I think not having funding, esp in a very niche subject, could be self-sabotage, as it's part of the criteria employees will look at.

And that's just the start - he'll need to be tenacious to deal with the extracurricular madness that comes with competing with other PhD candidates.
Added to that, most extremely successful people (i.e. the few who manage to get permanent academic jobs) are successful because they hit the jackpot with a rare combination of talents and I think that's becoming more true in academia - so a student these days has the best chance of progressing if they have a whole host of qualities not traditionally associated with the old image of eccentric academics in their ivory towers, including social adeptness and insane proactivity. I would get him to look at the webpages of current PhD students at top unis to look at the standard he needs to be aiming for - papers published, prizes and scholarships, outreach, founding committees, presentations at conferences, teaching...
If he won't apply for funding, will he jump through all these other hoops too? I think he wants a job that doesn't exist, sadly.

Absolutely not.

1. You need that money to ensure your future. Who knows what could happen in the next few years and if it's all used up you won't have anything to fall back on.

1. You have been more than generous. He has had financial support from you all the time which other young people are not able to have.

1. Plenty of other posters have said that if he is unable to get funding for this PhD he should not do it. This is true. I won't repeat the reasons why as it has already been explained several times upthread.

1. He's going to be 33 or 34 by the time he is finished and then what? What will the next idea be which you are expected to fund when he is unable to get a job in the niche field and other employers are wary of him because he hasn't got a consistent history of work.

1. He sounds very ungrateful and manipulative implying that you haven't supported him enough.

Now is the time to say, no, you won't be funding this and that he should look to find funding himself by applying for various scholarships and grants or trying to get a supervisor to take him on who has funding available.
Or he could continue to try to get support to find a job and stay in employment.

Whatever he chooses to do, it should not be on the basis of a hefty chunk of money from you.

osberts post is both very sad and spot on

If he can't get funding for his PhD, he is unlikely to get an academic job. In my experience a few self funded people and do get post-docs, but nearly all the post-docs/early career academics I know have been funded. It's harsh, and possibly unfair, but true.

Can you do something like agree to pay half the fees and he needs to find an alternative source of funding for the rest?

I think a rough calculation of how much you've saved him in rent (even since he graduated from his undergrad) would be helpful to put into perspective how much help he's had already.

Rather than fund the PHD I would be more inclined to help him access a independent Mentor/Work Coach to help him stay in a job. But if he's dead set on further education it might be hard to get him engaged with the process.

[quote toconclude]@Fangsalot89
Is the laughing face meant to imply I've been terribly stingy? How so?[/quote]
You're not. People are might free and easy with other peoples' time, money and property on here.

There is a phd loan now for 25,000 that would more than cover tuition, which would come to about 15,000. The pay back terms are similar to undergrad loans where he wouldn't need to pay it back until earning a certain amount.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Someone who understands.

I would support him in every way other than financially. Ask him what his next steps are, talk to him about his proposal etc. If he tells you you ought to be more supportive, ask him how. If he outright asks for money, tell him you have none to spare.

Parents help doesn’t stop at a certain point. You are a parent for life.

Seriously? It certainly stops when I enter a care home!

Our children need to understand that parents don't live forever. If they fail to prepare, and we die young, then they are screwed.

Entering the workplace is far easier at a younger age. Past 30 and employers expect you to hit the ground running, manage other staff and meet stringent targets. Parents may baby their adult kids, but an employer expects them to act all of their age and more.

So autism aside, openings in his field are very rare. Surely that would mean that the chances of him getting a job in that area are almost zero. After the PhD you'd just be back where you started but without the retirement savings. This is after years of support to masters level. I know people with autism can be absolutely obsessed and very demanding about the things that are important to them but I do think you have to stand firm.

@parietal

Universities have scholarships for people to do PhDs. He needs to apply for these. If he can't get a funded place from the university, then a phd is not the right career path.

This.

I would say you will support him with his application, but if it isn't a funded PhD, then it may be time for a re think as far as what he can do employment wise.

If, as sounds the case, he is never able to work and earn his own living, what will happen if he finishes the degree funded by you and the inheritance. Where will the money come from to fund his basic every day living expenses?

@parietal

Universities have scholarships for people to do PhDs. He needs to apply for these. If he can't get a funded place from the university, then a phd is not the right career path.

This!

Could you suggest he applies for any job going in a university? Most offer discounted study to staff and it would give him a more realistic understanding of university life from the other side.
He'll have guaranteed interview status which will help but will probably need your guidance to apply properly for the roles and to ensure that in his applications he talks about his passion for higher education (not I don't really want this job but...!)
University's are generally good employers and more understanding than many areas of additional needs.

Parents help doesn’t stop at a certain point. You are a parent for life.

I agree, but parenting looks different to offspring that is 2 years old, 12 years old, 22 years old or 32 years old.

I’m with @osbertthesyrianhamster, who has written an incredible post; really.

@parietal

Universities have scholarships for people to do PhDs. He needs to apply for these. If he can't get a funded place from the university, then a phd is not the right career path.

I was going to say this. I know many people who’ve fancied a PhD and been incredibly academically talented. One of my friends graduated with the best double first in years from Oxford In an arts subject….but no funding available for her. So she had to look at another career path.

Funding for a first degree? Yes, you should pull out all the stops for your kids to be able to go, at least in my opinion. But a PhD for which there’s no funding available? Very, very different kettle of fish.

@toconclude

Sympathies. It's so hard to know where to draw the line in supporting children with ASN, especially when in theory it seems possible. Easier, somehow, when you simply can't.

To be honest, I'd reframe this and conclude that actually it isn't possible; you can't fund this while having sufficient rainy day money for contingencies and unexpected events. DS2 is still young and as you've noted, fairly dependent with little likelihood of this changing in the near future. That's actually a fairly fragile situation and you probably can't really afford to waste money in these circumstances...and it does sound like this PhD would be a bit of an indulgence.

How far has he got with it all? Has he prepared a proposal and identified a supervisor? Perhaps you should have a chat with the supervisor before coming to a final decision. Given the cost involved, I would hope you'd get some honesty about whether this is a vanity project or something with actual, employable potential.

My plan was to do a phd part time alongside working and take the loan. I was pleasantly shocked when I got funding......if he is bright and able to come up with a good proposal he might manage to.

I've never heard of anyone in RL or on Mumsnet funding a 30 year old adult child's PhD. Everyone I know who did one applied for funding grants. You've been very supportive funding his degrees and effectively buying him a flat/house. It sounds like you've also made sure he's receiving all the benefits he's entitled to. Helping him look into different career options or how to apply for funding would be a good way to support him further without handing over any money.

@TheCraicDealer

I think a rough calculation of how much you've saved him in rent (even since he graduated from his undergrad) would be helpful to put into perspective how much help he's had already.

Rather than fund the PHD I would be more inclined to help him access a independent Mentor/Work Coach to help him stay in a job. But if he's dead set on further education it might be hard to get him engaged with the process.

Doesn't work with people like him or my son. They don't do 'perspective'. It's really, really, REALLY hard with people like the OP's son and mine. I have some friends who actually had to kick the person out, it was just too much and they were violent and awful to everyone in the home and their own families, especially if they have PDA traits.

You have to draw the line, OP. If he doesn't even know about the inheritance, then it's just 'we can't fund you'. If he does, tell him it's tied up in investments and can't be accessed. Mine seems to think you can magic it up out of nowhere.

I applaud you for doing what you've done for so long. Truthfully I hope I am dead by the time he is 30. I've had enough of this.

This all sounds very difficult.

I did a funded phd via a university scholarship - to be honest even that was viewed as "lesser" than the big research council ones for a while immediately post graduation. A self funded one would certainly hold less value for employment regardless of how mainstream/ niche it was. Basically it can be viewed as buying your way into a place rather than being part of the competitive process.

The above means I will never fund a phd for my neurotypical children, certainly not if they already had a predisposition towards being unemployable.

My MIL is funding one of her kids to do one at the moment and i refrain from rolling my eyes too much when she goes on about it like he's somehow changing the world without recognition that it's largely down to privilege

Keep your money, tell him he needs to restrict the research to a hobby interest.

You’re right that if you didn’t have the inheritance money, this wouldn’t be a problem for you.

How committed to this PhD would he be if you weren’t able to find it? He needs to answer this honestly.

Disabilities notwithstanding, he’s putting pressure on you because he can. There’s a better chance than zero that this money will be required for other, more important/less optional things before you/DH/DS1/DS2 are dead and gone.

YANBU