Using my inheritance to fund adult child's PhD: Aibu not to? Long post, sorry

[toconclude]

DS2 has his heart set on an academic career in a niche subject(not STEM), related to his special interest - he's autistic but no LD in fact very bright. He lives rent free in his own home funded by a lump sum from invested DLA plus interest free loan from us.

Bluntly I feel his ambition is not realistic: even were he not autistic, openings in his field are very rare. But he's decided it's the only thing that will make him happy and talks of feeling very low if he can't achieve it. I've tried gently but clearly explaining how tough making an academic career is - I know people who have struggled severely and had in the end to follow other paths. Have suggested he look more short term and try to find more rewarding work day to day, get involved in his local community etc and follow the special interest as a hobby. Every conversation circles round to the same subject though.

He also struggles to stay employed anyway but puts it down to the jobs not being suitable for him - imo there is more to it than that as he finds social interaction hard at times and any fast paced environment stressful. He has no real idea of academic work and thinks it's all interesting research and set piece lecturing. Sadly his tutors so far do not seem to have impressed the reality onto him.

Thing is, I could in theory use my inheritance from late DM to fund a PhD, though it would eat the majority of it up especially if I were to match fund DS1 which would only be fair. DH and I can live modestly on his decent pension and my small one (had to take long career break due to DS2 needs and unpredictable nature of DH job at the time meaning no money for childcare and irregular contract working so irregular paternal availability). After DH dies I should also be financially stable. DMs money is just for an income for treats at present, plus rainy day/eventual care fund. DS2 does not know how much I have but says if I were 'more supportive, like other parents (unspecified, but he's sure they exist and I guess probably they do)' I'd help him out more and specifically with more study.

I think we've helped him a fair bit including financially - he is 30 and has never had to pay rent either at home or away,we funded 5 years of post 18 living and housing costs for first degree and Masters topping up his student loan plus regularly buying things he needs/paying essential bills and some big ticket items though he has met his basic living expenses through earnings and benefits.

Having looked at various MN threads consensus appears to be that we should financially support him until he can support himself but what if that's the rest of our lives? Am I just a selfish bitch for wanting more than a basic retirement? What will DS1, who frankly doesn't like his brother very much owing to many childhood and later embarrassments/stresses and doesn't keep in close touch with him, make of it if I do?

It would be so much easier if we just couldn't afford it, tbh. I feel morally compromised because in theory the cash is there. First world/middle class problem, eh?

He will never do without essentials, we're committed to that. We just seem to have very different ideas on what's essential

A medal for anyone who got this far, lol. Didn't want to dripfeed.

Didnt read the whole thread but I'm sure it's been mentioned multiple times. A PhD is only worth doing if it's fully funded

@Shelddd

Didnt read the whole thread but I'm sure it's been mentioned multiple times. A PhD is only worth doing if it's fully funded

Usually funding comes from university and covers all fees and a stipend. In exchange they do some research for the uni and possibly teach some classes.

You are a person and you are allowed to do things and have things that are just for you. Being a parent doesn't change that. You make sacrifices for your children, of course, but you don't have to ruin your retirement plans just because your 30 year old son thinks you ought to fund his PHD. That's ridiculous.

What is his job now?

I definitely agree that you should not fund the PhD. Not only is it your money that you need, it’s not a good use of funds and it won’t help him. I hope he manages to find something else that works for him.

I feel for your son though - both work and study environments are really hostile towards autistic people - no adjustments are made because autism isn’t viewed sympathetically. I really can’t blame him and other autistic people for fixating on things that make them happy, because they are turned away from/pushed out of everything for not being “LinkedIn slick”, but of course that only contributes to the stereotype of autistic people as black-and-white thinkers/stubborn/selfish/inconsiderate.
I have to say the way that some posts on this thread speak about autistic people really depresses me.

He can apply for a funded PhD or get a student loan

Look at Access to Work. With an ASD diagnosis your DC should definitely access it. I'm surprised its never more widely known.

I'll say it again: a) he really needs to realise that a successful academic career is heavily reliant on interpersonal skills and a lot of it is boring admin. Research takes up perhaps 10% of my time ATM. and b) if his heart is really set on a PhD, look at distance-learning PhDs abroad. In mainland Europe, a PhD will often only cost a few hundred euros a year for instance, even for international students.

I have to say the way that some posts on this thread speak about autistic people really depresses me.

If the OP hadn't mentioned ASD, her description of her DS would still have rung alarm bells for me, for his future as an academic. As other academics have said on this thread (eg @KeflavikAirport just above), being an academic is not just doing individual research in isolation. Even in the humanities, it's highly collaborative. Most academic jobs require teaching: teaching at university is the facilitation of students' learning. The OP's description of her DS doesn't offer much indication of his flexibility, his ability to respond to others and recognise their needs or ideas.

It may be that, just as I'm not tall enough to be a champion high jumper, or don't have the aspect of my brain/mind/thinking to understand mathematics at the same level as I understand archival documents, the OP's DS doesn't have the skills/ability for the close collaboration and engagement with others that are essential in research & teaching.

I agree with @IntoAir. Some of the comments about people with autism may not be good but the majority of comments here are more factual. It would be great if academia was still a home for all sorts of talents but it isn't. Universities are tough environments for even the most talented people and the work requires multiple skill sets. Even with reasonable adjustments it just doesn't sound as if the OP's son is a good match. It's not about being mean to him - funding a PhD might actually be detrimental. It's building up his hopes and sadly may well make him less employable rather than more so.

Totally agree with @BlueDaisies comment above: fantastic contributions from so many different people. Hopefully OP - you have the confidence to know that are making the right decisions for your DS.

Don't know if this would be off any use to you, or what the more knowledgeable folk on here would make of it, but put together with whats been said about profiles likely to make a good academic I can see how I might use it to start a discussion if it was my DS:

file:///C:/Users/ETCnomad/AppData/Local/Temp/Researcher-Development-Framework-RDF-Vitae.pdf

You sound like you are able and happy to meet some of his living costs in trying to progress him in things that will work for him, so I think I'd be looking hard at what else he might be able to do with the specific interests he has that work with what he has going for him, and see if the fixation could possibly be edged towards a new home.

This a total wildcard, but I'm wondering if archivist work might be a possible living...

As you'll know only too well at some point you're all going to need a workable plan towards his future financial independence/dependence, perhaps some of these conversations could lay down the foundations for this.

Yanbu. Sorry OP. I think you’re being strong. I suspect that the PhD is not in his interest but if he is really a serious candidate for a career in that field then at 30 I would have thought he could get funding.

If he is as clueless as he sounds then I suspect he will one day need this money for much more than a PhD.

Museum and archive work can also be very competitive so it's not really something to go into unless you like it. That said, it is very good if you're obsessive about things. I've worked in heritage, and museum curators have to be extremely interested in the thing they're looking after. You also have to be something of a squirrel/ collector. It may well be worth the OP's son volunteering in a museum and/ or archive and seeing if he enjoys the work. If so, there is training he could get. It would enable him to research. In fact I found I had more freedom to research what I wanted to in archives than I had as an academic so it can be a good field.

I'm wondering if archivist work might be a possible living

What's really interesting about all thse suggestions are the stereotypes (generally inaccurate) of lots of jobs related to high-level research. The "researcher-who-has-no-personal-skills" is deeply embedded, isn't it?

All the archivists I know and work with are also - of necessity - administrators, collaborators, and outgoing communicators. They have to be able to raise money, work with all sorts of stakeholders & users - schoolchildren, family history researchers, academics, owners/donors of archive documents, and so on.

The OP's DS doesn't seem to want to work, frankly - she says he has tried a number of jobs: He also struggles to stay employed anyway but puts it down to the jobs not being suitable for him - imo there is more to it than that as he finds social interaction hard at times and any fast paced environment stressful

Most professional jobs - let alone the training required for them - rely on social interaction and dealing with fast-paced environments. Certainly, that's a partial definition of the process of researching & writing a PhD.

@toconclude I’m not sure stingy is the right word but to consider money going to your child as generous is as odd choice indeed.

YANBU: I would rather put my energy and resources into supporting him in terms of becoming as financially independent as he can be. No one knows what is round the corner. He may have to accept a job for which he is academically over qualified, if he does not have the full skill set for more attractive jobs. That's the reality of life for many people. I don't envy you having to explain this to him and cope with the probably inevitable anger and disappointment and emotional blackmail. His emotional wellbeing may well be affected but reality has to kick in at some time - better for that to be now, when you are here to support him, than finding himself without the necessary life skills later, when you may be less able.

IntoAir Fair enough. Both archivists I know are entirely back room, though tbf they are also both long term and coming up to retirement age.

unwatch

If he has a Masters could he start by getting work as a Research Assistant or a lecturer in the area he’s interested in? If he can do this there is a high chance that the University would find his PhD. The University I work at funds all staff on academic contracts to complete a PhD if they don’t already have one.

*fund not find!

My friend’s son wanted to do a Masters after his first degree. She thought her ex husband should be responsible for some extra finance but it was thrown out of court. The judge stated at the age of 21 the lad should be responsible for his own financing.
Your son is 30, living comfortably so he needs to get his own funding.

I didn’t think PhDs were the kind of thing you need to throw money at. More of the challenge is finding one and often they come with a bit of funding or a bit of paid teaching. Even if you agree to fund it, he might not even be successful in his application. In your circumstances I would say yes to helping him and then just see how it all plays out.

You have set the bar high with the level of support you have provided until now. He has never had to support himself financially so it is unsurprising that this does not occur to him now. To date, whenever he has needed something, you have provided it. In fact, you have pre-empted his needs so that he has never even needed to ask.

No, I would not spend any part of an inheritance supporting a 30yo child through even more years of academic study that had a very low chance of leading to related employment. The fact that you seem to feel guilty about saying no says something about the unhealthy dynamic that has been established imo. Just say no and be done with it. If he wants it badly enough he'll find other avenues of funding, as many do, or give up and consider alternatives. He's going on about it because he senses that the door isn't closed.

@Summerfun54321

I didn’t think PhDs were the kind of thing you need to throw money at. More of the challenge is finding one and often they come with a bit of funding or a bit of paid teaching. Even if you agree to fund it, he might not even be successful in his application. In your circumstances I would say yes to helping him and then just see how it all plays out.

I don;t agree with this. Funded PhDs are hard to come by but loads of unis will take self-funding students because it's a lot of money for almost zero effort by the uni. You don't get taught anything. There are no lectures. You see your supervisor once or twice a semester and have a peer review session every month or so. You basically do everything yourself. Many unis, sadly, don't give a damn if the wrong students sign up, get overwhelmed and drop out. They got their extra money. Only fully funded via AHRC or a studentship from the uni should go ahead with a Humanities PhD.