Using my inheritance to fund adult child's PhD: Aibu not to? Long post, sorry

[toconclude]

DS2 has his heart set on an academic career in a niche subject(not STEM), related to his special interest - he's autistic but no LD in fact very bright. He lives rent free in his own home funded by a lump sum from invested DLA plus interest free loan from us.

Bluntly I feel his ambition is not realistic: even were he not autistic, openings in his field are very rare. But he's decided it's the only thing that will make him happy and talks of feeling very low if he can't achieve it. I've tried gently but clearly explaining how tough making an academic career is - I know people who have struggled severely and had in the end to follow other paths. Have suggested he look more short term and try to find more rewarding work day to day, get involved in his local community etc and follow the special interest as a hobby. Every conversation circles round to the same subject though.

He also struggles to stay employed anyway but puts it down to the jobs not being suitable for him - imo there is more to it than that as he finds social interaction hard at times and any fast paced environment stressful. He has no real idea of academic work and thinks it's all interesting research and set piece lecturing. Sadly his tutors so far do not seem to have impressed the reality onto him.

Thing is, I could in theory use my inheritance from late DM to fund a PhD, though it would eat the majority of it up especially if I were to match fund DS1 which would only be fair. DH and I can live modestly on his decent pension and my small one (had to take long career break due to DS2 needs and unpredictable nature of DH job at the time meaning no money for childcare and irregular contract working so irregular paternal availability). After DH dies I should also be financially stable. DMs money is just for an income for treats at present, plus rainy day/eventual care fund. DS2 does not know how much I have but says if I were 'more supportive, like other parents (unspecified, but he's sure they exist and I guess probably they do)' I'd help him out more and specifically with more study.

I think we've helped him a fair bit including financially - he is 30 and has never had to pay rent either at home or away,we funded 5 years of post 18 living and housing costs for first degree and Masters topping up his student loan plus regularly buying things he needs/paying essential bills and some big ticket items though he has met his basic living expenses through earnings and benefits.

Having looked at various MN threads consensus appears to be that we should financially support him until he can support himself but what if that's the rest of our lives? Am I just a selfish bitch for wanting more than a basic retirement? What will DS1, who frankly doesn't like his brother very much owing to many childhood and later embarrassments/stresses and doesn't keep in close touch with him, make of it if I do?

It would be so much easier if we just couldn't afford it, tbh. I feel morally compromised because in theory the cash is there. First world/middle class problem, eh?

He will never do without essentials, we're committed to that. We just seem to have very different ideas on what's essential

A medal for anyone who got this far, lol. Didn't want to dripfeed.

Don't fund the PhD. Does he know you have this money? Does he assume it should be spent on him? If not, don't mention it and if he asks, say you have already given him all the financial support you can afford.

Also, he is bright. He may be autistic but many many bright autistic people support themselves. It is a struggle but that doesn't mean he shouldn't try. It's up to him to apply for a studentship (full funding including living expenses) or a teaching position, or to get work anywhere he can to save up to do the PhD part time. He needs to show initiative. If he wants it this much, he needs to be prepared to make the effort himself. Being HFA doesn't mean he will necessarily need to be cossetted forever. You musn't sacrifice your own life and financial security to pander to his whims just because he isn't neurotypical.

Definately do not fund it. You are entitled to keep the inheritance from your mum - what if you encounter ill health and need an operation to improve your quality of life and there is a very long waiting list? You could use that money to go privately for example. There are fully funded PhD's around - DD secured one at 22 and even when she finished it found it hard to find work and managed to support herself by taking whatever she could find. Your son is being very unreasonable. You most definately are not!

I would suggest that there are other ways to support him.

Make an appointment with a career coach or therapist of some kind who understands academia, his field and special needs. Someone other than you who can help him to explore options.

If he wants to (for instance) start a YouTube channel devoted to his own research and lectures/talks on this subject, or if he wants to write a book about it, you could provide limited practical support for those options.

This conversation definitely needs to go beyond you and him, though. He needs to see that it isn't just 'Mummy says no' but 'life doesn't work like that'.

I self-funded my PhD and I would say not to use your savings for this. If he's sufficiently dedicated, he can find funding or do another job to pay for himself (it's worth looking into university admin jobs - he might find himself a niche there). I did mine part-time alongside a full-time job - part-time fees weren't particularly onerous, and I was covering my own living costs. Or he can follow his interests and write a book on his topic, maybe aimed at a wider audience rather than just academia.

It's a false binary to say that the choices are only "mother gives up her life savings" versus "son must abandon his research interests" - I recognised the ASD will be contributing this, but it doesn't mean you have to accept the reasoning. There are other ways to approach this.

No I dont think I would fund it in your circumstances. If I could easily afford it I might. But dont spend your whole inheritance on this. I agree he needs to find a way to save up for it himself or get a funded one. What happens afterwards if he can't find a job to suit him.

Nope wouldn’t do it, he needs to find other sources to fund it

Agree with previous posters, unless your son can have his PHD funded by scholarship, he should not be doing one.

YANBU to not fund his PhD. You’ve already funded up through his Masters. If he wants a PhD, he can get a graduate student loan and do it himself. He’s being very cheeky to blame you and lack of you funding him for his supposed inability to apply for a doctoral program.

YABU to not encourage him though and tell him it is beyond his ability when his Uni professors who know his academic work and potential far better than you ever could think he is a good PhD candidate. In fact, you may be instilling in him a fear of failure and so he’s made up an obstacle, namely you not finding him, to use as convenient excuse to not move forward when it’s really the fact that you think he would fail.

People with ASD and LDs get doctorates and can be successful with academic career. The number of adults with these qualifications being diagnosed late in life should tell you this. Sadly for those diagnosed as children, there is a cultural stigma of low expectations and the myth that those with ASD or LD “cannot ever succeed” that infects both them and their parents. You need to free yourself of this thinking.

I'd be very concerned about your other son's reaction, even if you give him the same amount of money. He will realistically become responsible for any future care needs that you can no longer fund. That's not fair.

I wouldn’t fund a 30 year old. And completely independent of that, a phd you can’t get funded for is a vanity project and I wouldn’t fund a 21 year old or any age for it either.

toconclude
How unusual. In the areas near me, there's employment workshops, charity groups, and things available through the jobcentre.

Have you considered looking for an Entry to Employment provider? There's life skills and employability skills course that support people into the workplace.

Contd from last post: connection with the manager through a shared hobby. Doesn't seem fair.

Having looked at various MN threads consensus appears to be that we should financially support him until he can support himself but what if that's the rest of our lives?

Where have you seen this?! He has no LD and can work, you don't need to sacrifice your savings and your goals in life to enable him any further.

Sounds like he just wants an excuse to go back to life as an academic.

You've helped him more than enough, prioritise yourself now. Please don't refer to yourself as a possible selfish bitch, you have been unbelievably generous!

YANBU.

It’s time now for him to fund or find finding himself if he wants to continue to pursue education.

I don't think you should fund it either, OP.

He will always have an interest that he wants to pursue, but that doesn't mean that you have to fund it. From what you've said here, it won't help him at all in the long run. If the conversation circles back to it, be consist with your refusal - you don't need to give a reason or explanation as it's not up for debate. Same phrase every time 'we will not fund a PhD for you'. I would be slightly wary that the 'gentle and clear explanations' are giving him hope of wearing you down! Probably won't stop him asking but may reduce the stress on you if you have a set response to give.

Has he had a similar response to other previous interests, OP?

@Redbottle

I'd be very concerned about your other son's reaction, even if you give him the same amount of money. He will realistically become responsible for any future care needs that you can no longer fund. That's not fair.

Hahaha. DS1 would do no such thing and we've made it clear anyway that we don't expect him to. Recipe for trouble.

Universities have scholarships for people to do PhDs. He needs to apply for these. If he can't get a funded place from the university, then a phd is not the right career path

This, I did a funded PhD, I had a record of publications and I'm pretty gritty... however I didn't feel resilient enough to chase an academic job. They really are so competitive. I now have a good job outside of academia but getting that required very strong social and networking skills

If he wants to do the phd as the start of an academic career he should do one that is funded, ie on a subject that the institution is committed to.

That solves the problem of you spending the money, and is more likely to lead to employment.

He is 30 years old, has never had to deal with the realities of life in paying rent and bills, you have funded the majority of his adulthood. You say he very rarely asks for money, he’s an adult he shouldn’t be doing for any and then he says you need to be more supportive like other parents. But you don’t think he is spoiled 🤔 He is 100% spoiled regardless of his autism.

What is going to happen to him when you and your DH die if he is unable to stand on his own 2 feet. Fine help him get work and put in place the right kind of support he needs to stay employed, that’s support, but stop pandering and babying him, your not doing him any favours.

He also struggles to stay employed anyway but puts it down to the jobs not being suitable for him - imo there is more to it than that as he finds social interaction hard at times and any fast paced environment stressful.

IMO he's not fit for work, just doesn't realise it yet and thinks the problem is the job. He looks ok, talks ok, but he's not ok if he can't hold down a job and keeps getting fired/depressed and quitting.

You've sorted him out with a home which is more than a lot of other parents are able to do. If you want to spend your inheritance on something other than chasing his unrealistic dreams that's fine, don't feel guilty.

He's an adult now and part of that is accepting he can't have everything he wants in life. If he can't secure his own funding to carry out the PhD he's going to have to look for other work. If he can't find any job he can cope with then he's going to end up on benefits long term, which realistically means you're going to end up supporting him to apply for them and also possibly end up paying towards house repairs if he can't afford it.

[quote toconclude]@FoxgloveSummers
Finding employment is a real a struggle for him, he's 'too able' for support agencies but needs help to get and stay in work.
I have to say I don't think he's spoiled so much as unrealistic in his expectations. He almost never asks for money except about this.[/quote]
I don't mean to sound derogatory towards either your son, nor people employed in low wage jobs, but surely he can hold down at least a minimum wage retail or similar job.

He needs to learn you will not always be around to pick up the tab. And it will do no good for your relationship with your other child either.

It sounds like you cannot afford to reasonably do so without impacting your own 'cushion' financially.

It sounds like he is hugely motivated about doing a PhD. I would use that motivation to encourage him to do what has been holding him back, in terms of earning money to fund this. Some of the autism charities offer good support in thinking about this.

@Redbottle

I'd be very concerned about your other son's reaction, even if you give him the same amount of money. He will realistically become responsible for any future care needs that you can no longer fund. That's not fair.

I'd hope that OP has impressed upon the NT son that he isn't his brother's keeper, tbh. Especially as they don't get on.

Op, don't give him the money. It's your money and was intended for you. You may well need it yourself. Even if you didn't need it at all, why should just one son get it? That's not going to do anything to improve the family relationships.

Definitely not.

@Sn0tnose

I think we've helped him a fair bit including financially - he is 30 and has never had to pay rent either at home or away,we funded 5 years of post 18 living and housing costs for first degree and Masters topping up his student loan plus regularly buying things he needs/paying essential bills and some big ticket items though he has met his basic living expenses through earnings and benefits.

I think maybe you’ve helped too much. He’s never had to learn to stand on his own two feet and he’s been able to do whatever he likes in life because you’ve been able to subsidise him. He thinks he’s entitled to your financial support. God forbid, but what if you and your DH lost every penny next week? Does he have the skills to cope without your money?

Agreed. You'd be frankly insane to fund his PhD. If he can't hold down a job to support himself then he won't be able to complete a PhD. The best gift you could give him now is encouragement to stand on his own two feet.