Using my inheritance to fund adult child's PhD: Aibu not to? Long post, sorry

[toconclude]

DS2 has his heart set on an academic career in a niche subject(not STEM), related to his special interest - he's autistic but no LD in fact very bright. He lives rent free in his own home funded by a lump sum from invested DLA plus interest free loan from us.

Bluntly I feel his ambition is not realistic: even were he not autistic, openings in his field are very rare. But he's decided it's the only thing that will make him happy and talks of feeling very low if he can't achieve it. I've tried gently but clearly explaining how tough making an academic career is - I know people who have struggled severely and had in the end to follow other paths. Have suggested he look more short term and try to find more rewarding work day to day, get involved in his local community etc and follow the special interest as a hobby. Every conversation circles round to the same subject though.

He also struggles to stay employed anyway but puts it down to the jobs not being suitable for him - imo there is more to it than that as he finds social interaction hard at times and any fast paced environment stressful. He has no real idea of academic work and thinks it's all interesting research and set piece lecturing. Sadly his tutors so far do not seem to have impressed the reality onto him.

Thing is, I could in theory use my inheritance from late DM to fund a PhD, though it would eat the majority of it up especially if I were to match fund DS1 which would only be fair. DH and I can live modestly on his decent pension and my small one (had to take long career break due to DS2 needs and unpredictable nature of DH job at the time meaning no money for childcare and irregular contract working so irregular paternal availability). After DH dies I should also be financially stable. DMs money is just for an income for treats at present, plus rainy day/eventual care fund. DS2 does not know how much I have but says if I were 'more supportive, like other parents (unspecified, but he's sure they exist and I guess probably they do)' I'd help him out more and specifically with more study.

I think we've helped him a fair bit including financially - he is 30 and has never had to pay rent either at home or away,we funded 5 years of post 18 living and housing costs for first degree and Masters topping up his student loan plus regularly buying things he needs/paying essential bills and some big ticket items though he has met his basic living expenses through earnings and benefits.

Having looked at various MN threads consensus appears to be that we should financially support him until he can support himself but what if that's the rest of our lives? Am I just a selfish bitch for wanting more than a basic retirement? What will DS1, who frankly doesn't like his brother very much owing to many childhood and later embarrassments/stresses and doesn't keep in close touch with him, make of it if I do?

It would be so much easier if we just couldn't afford it, tbh. I feel morally compromised because in theory the cash is there. First world/middle class problem, eh?

He will never do without essentials, we're committed to that. We just seem to have very different ideas on what's essential

A medal for anyone who got this far, lol. Didn't want to dripfeed.

I would suggest that he explore government grants, student finance, University funding and other types of scholarships out there. If this is something he is dead set on he should have the drive to figure out the funding. Before waving around a fistfull of cash he should prepare a PhD proposal, speak with a few universities to ensure that it's worthwhile, and find a PhD supervisor, this might then open up avenues for funding from that person's experience. There are very many people who want to pursue a career in academia, but PhDs are pretty brutal and I know some who have been completely turned off their subject by having to live and breathe it for 2 or more years. Doing some of this legwork before he starts might be a good way to ensure he sticks with it

The student loans company now offers loans for PhDs. Up to £27k I think. Your DS is 30. He's very bright. He lives rent free. He is smart enough to sort himself out and absolutely should not be guilting you out of your nest egg.

If he has his heart set on working in this niche field, then he needs to find a way to enable that.

Working to fund a PhD? Voluntary placements?

If he has difficulty in finding and holding on to jobs, what would change with a PhD?

Of course being autistic presents him with additional life challenges, although I would say that having your own place at 30 without a tonne of debt from studying also puts him in a privileged position already in many ways.

It sounds like he needs to focus his attention on either looking for work or training in an area that isn't too socially demanding nor fast-paced.

Once he has that foundation, he could consider undertaking further academic work.

But it doesn't sound like funding his PhD would be a good use for your inheritance, not least because you recognise how unrealistic his ideas are.

If he's capable of making a living in academia, he's capable of getting funding for his PhD - at least partial funding. If he can't do that, then definitely don't throw your pension fund away chasing that dream.

YANBU OP.
Your problem is that you son’s autism is preventing him from being employable. As autistic people are very good at their special interests he probably thinks any teaching jobs involves him only having to do the special interest bit and not the rest of it. Unless he’s a genius this isn’t going to happen.
Can you try having him shadow a PhD in his daily work to show him?
Autistic people can be very set once they have an idea and no amount of convincing etc will change their minds unless they actually see it.
Source: DP is autistic ...

Don't tell him the money is there. He feels entitled to it, and he isn't.

Gah! Tricky situation, and I realise it must be really tempting to give him the money- but you can't. If he can't get funding at this stage, then he'll really struggle to get an actual job at the even harder post-doc stage.

I have two ASD cousins currently doing PhDs- neither is in a traditionally STEM area (though it's all so niche at that stage it's hard to say!). One is in a Geography related field, and one linked to languages. They both got funding.

It really won't help him to fund this.

Also you need to work getting him into a scheme that employs autistic people. Unfortunately many of these are ‘simple’ jobs but my workplace for example has a scheme that hires autistic adults as apprentices. I work for a large company.

Unfortunately not having an LD and being able to deal with human interaction/change are very separate. A lot of autistic people are very bright but can’t do much without a heavy amount of being told what to do which isn’t what business really want. That’s why these schemes are the best chance...

Has he put his PhD proposal to the department? Generally if it’s good enough with academic progression opportunities the university would offer funding.

Given your DS may need long term support it would be foolish to use the money to fund what is essentially a hobby to your son.

You sound like a great mum, but you need to protect your own financial future too.

Do not fund him. He could actually end up being less employable if he has a PhD but no work experience or work skills. I think he needs to crack on and find a niche for himself.

I did a PhD in my thirties. My Mother would have died laughing had I asked her for money. I was funded by multiple scholarships and part-time work lecturing undergraduates. I found that the most important attribute for completion wasn’t intelligence, it was resilience. If he is serious about doing this, he should spend the next year polishing his research proposal, applying for scholarships and sorting out a job that will fit around a doctorate. If he can’t commit to that, he’s pretty unlikely to be able to complete a PhD.

There's nothing wrong with self funding a PhD and it doesn't mean you're not good enough. Sometimes what people want to study isn't aligned with contemporary research priorities and if they can afford it, why not? My partner self funded his (saving from an unrelated job for several years first), published it as a book, and while the job market is terrible, he is now a full time lecturer in his humanities subject.

But to OP - I wouldn't pay for this. There are way more candidates than posts on the market.

Has he looked at job adverts for roles that he’d ultimately be interested in? They will require a PhD and also experience. I would think it would be a good idea for him to work on getting that experience now.

Is he paying you back for the interest free loan?
I would encourage him to start saving towards it himself and maybe when he’s finished paying off the loan, you could offer a small amount towards it but I would be brutally honest that you need to fund your retirement and you have supported him through early adulthood. As a 30 year old, he needs to save up for what he wants to do, that includes working in a job he might not want to do and not ask pensioners for money.

I agree with what's already been said. If he has a future in this line of work then he should be able to find himself a scholarship to do a PhD. Help him try to achieve that rather than giving him money for what could otherwise be a vanity project.

Another person here saying don't fund it. he is 30, he lives rent free, he can fund it himself.

As an aside, how is he paying back the interest free loan you gave him?

My experience of working at a university is that the academics have to be everything. They get to do some research but they're also expected to be excellent at marketing, lecturing, supervising, creating business proposals and following them through. They have to do it all while the goalposts are constantly shifting. It's a bloody hard job and I wouldn't trade places with them, even if I got to research something I loved. It's a shame his academics haven't explained the reality though they do get judged on PhD student numbers so it's probably not in their interests to deter him.

I wouldn't fund the PhD as it will only delay the inevitable disappointment. If his field isn't in enough demand for there to be scholarships, there will be limited demand for graduates. For what it's worth, I only know small number of PhD students being funded by their parents and they're all from wealthy countries. I haven't met a British or European student without a sponsor/ scholarship yet.

nope. do not fund

as other posters have said, there is PHD funding, there is also student loans company phd funding upto 25k over 3 years
he needs to self fund. simple as

You have already done more than enough financially. If he is academically gifted, let him find a suitable sponsor in the field of his interest. As it looks like he won't be able to hold down a full time permanent job in the future, he'll be after you for future funding as well.

Having nearly gone into academia myself and had lots of friends who’ve done so, I’ve always taken the attitude that if you can’t get a funded PhD you don’t have what it takes to succeed in that field as a career anyway. Yes, they’re highly competitive, but postdocs are even more so. Paying for it will just kick the can down the road and in four years time he’ll likely be having to look for a non academic job anyway. I have lots of highly capable friends who did PhDs as is was the “easy” option for those who didn’t know what to do after undergrad, and only 1 of them is still in academia 4 years after they all finished. I also agree that PhD and beyond is completely different to undergraduate, I hated research and was lucky I found out before I’d committed to a PhD (via a summer fellowship/internship). I definitely wouldn’t give him the money, he sounds capable of being independent despite his autism so you need to help him to do that.

@LolaSmiles

You aren't unreasonable or a bitch. He's 30 and no 30 year old is entitled to live a life of hobbies, nor use talk of feel low and claims that other parents bankroll their adult children indefinitely to manipulate their parents into funding more hobbies (which is what his PhD would be)

There are often lots of local charities who will offer placements and support for those needing to enter employment, for those with SEN and those who are NT. He clearly does need some support entering the jobs market and remaining employed.

Re your second paragraph: if only that were true. He's been rejected by the la funded one as too able and the charity ones as too specialised. NAS Prospects doesn't exist in the area it's a real bind. I know someone through work far less disabled who got help through a connection.

A good student with a good subject , even niche should be able to get a scholarship.

Don't - and don't let him make you feel guilty about it either.

I was all set to say with his ASD staying longer in FE could make all the difference, but I see you have done all that and now he's 30. I'm out of date but I have always heard you shouldn't do a PhD if you can't secure funding. I think it has to be a "no". I don't think you can afford it really, and nothing you've written says it's in his best interests.

Could you perhaps support him keeping the PhD as an aspiration, and help him look for ways to make it happen, by applying himself to other work and saving up for it? Or a DPhil perhaps. (I'm assuming his master's is a taught one.) It would take years but delayed gratification is a much easier sell (and would make him feel more supported) than trying to convince him to change his aspiration.

I think we've helped him a fair bit including financially - he is 30 and has never had to pay rent either at home or away,we funded 5 years of post 18 living and housing costs for first degree and Masters topping up his student loan plus regularly buying things he needs/paying essential bills and some big ticket items though he has met his basic living expenses through earnings and benefits.

I think maybe you’ve helped too much. He’s never had to learn to stand on his own two feet and he’s been able to do whatever he likes in life because you’ve been able to subsidise him. He thinks he’s entitled to your financial support. God forbid, but what if you and your DH lost every penny next week? Does he have the skills to cope without your money?