Using my inheritance to fund adult child's PhD: Aibu not to? Long post, sorry

[toconclude]

DS2 has his heart set on an academic career in a niche subject(not STEM), related to his special interest - he's autistic but no LD in fact very bright. He lives rent free in his own home funded by a lump sum from invested DLA plus interest free loan from us.

Bluntly I feel his ambition is not realistic: even were he not autistic, openings in his field are very rare. But he's decided it's the only thing that will make him happy and talks of feeling very low if he can't achieve it. I've tried gently but clearly explaining how tough making an academic career is - I know people who have struggled severely and had in the end to follow other paths. Have suggested he look more short term and try to find more rewarding work day to day, get involved in his local community etc and follow the special interest as a hobby. Every conversation circles round to the same subject though.

He also struggles to stay employed anyway but puts it down to the jobs not being suitable for him - imo there is more to it than that as he finds social interaction hard at times and any fast paced environment stressful. He has no real idea of academic work and thinks it's all interesting research and set piece lecturing. Sadly his tutors so far do not seem to have impressed the reality onto him.

Thing is, I could in theory use my inheritance from late DM to fund a PhD, though it would eat the majority of it up especially if I were to match fund DS1 which would only be fair. DH and I can live modestly on his decent pension and my small one (had to take long career break due to DS2 needs and unpredictable nature of DH job at the time meaning no money for childcare and irregular contract working so irregular paternal availability). After DH dies I should also be financially stable. DMs money is just for an income for treats at present, plus rainy day/eventual care fund. DS2 does not know how much I have but says if I were 'more supportive, like other parents (unspecified, but he's sure they exist and I guess probably they do)' I'd help him out more and specifically with more study.

I think we've helped him a fair bit including financially - he is 30 and has never had to pay rent either at home or away,we funded 5 years of post 18 living and housing costs for first degree and Masters topping up his student loan plus regularly buying things he needs/paying essential bills and some big ticket items though he has met his basic living expenses through earnings and benefits.

Having looked at various MN threads consensus appears to be that we should financially support him until he can support himself but what if that's the rest of our lives? Am I just a selfish bitch for wanting more than a basic retirement? What will DS1, who frankly doesn't like his brother very much owing to many childhood and later embarrassments/stresses and doesn't keep in close touch with him, make of it if I do?

It would be so much easier if we just couldn't afford it, tbh. I feel morally compromised because in theory the cash is there. First world/middle class problem, eh?

He will never do without essentials, we're committed to that. We just seem to have very different ideas on what's essential

A medal for anyone who got this far, lol. Didn't want to dripfeed.

I completely agree with the pp who said a self-funded PhD is like a self-published novel. When a hiring committee is looking at the many applications for one post, the self-funded candidate goes to the bottom of the pile. I am a PhD student but it is being funded by my university so I am paid a stipend and I make some extra money by teaching workshops/tutorials to undergrads. I've also been awarded extra money from an innovation fund for a side project I'm collaborating on.

I hope to make a career in academia but I worked as an administrator in universities for almost a decade before starting my PhD and my MSc dissertation looked at workload management and burnout in academia, so my eyes are open to the brutal reality. Not to mention the fact that the competition for full-time, permanent positions is like the hunger games, so I'm very unlikely to even get my foot in the door.

Is there someone in academia your DS would listen to? He needs someone to really impress upon him the reality of this career path.

I left home at 18 to go to uni and had nothing to do with my parents after that - I did not have a good relationship with them - they were opposed to my studying. My father was a welder, an abusive alcoholic - my youngest sister was the most profoundly affected by out upbringing. My mother died in 2007 aged 67 and none of us - me or my 2 sisters has any contact with him since then. I was working full time as a software engineer and did my masters part time over 4 years about 4-5 years after graduating.

Credit to you because you have attained a phenomenal level of education.

OP's Son like you suggested needs to focus on obtaining these goals himself. 🌸

@sonjadog
“The number of academic jobs for people post-phd is small and they are highly competitive. In my experience far too many students get so focused at getting into a phd programme that they forget to think long term, and then they get angry and disillusioned when there is no job for them at the end of their studies. Doesn't matter how brilliant their phd is, the jobs just aren't there. Personally, I think this should be talked about a lot more when students are applying for phds.”

Totally agree with you.

@WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly

I don’t think you should pay for his PhD but I do think you sound very negative about his career prospects and that is possibly what he is picking up on.

At the risk of being accused of being defensive again, I think I'm realistic, not ' very negative'. Academia is, as a lot of people have pointed out, massively competitive. And after nine years of him struggling to get lasting employment, what do you suggest?

"..jobs not being suitable..."

I do think as well he needs to accept that most jobs are boring. Even ones that sound interesting are mostly dull in reality; that's why you get paid for them.

Why not encourage him to do bits of research in the area and write articles about the field? Might be for specialist publication or more general/wider readership ones, or perhaps start a blog in the area? He'll earn a bit of money, perhaps realise how hard it is, and improve his chances of getting funding for an PhD in the future (although I do agree with the other posters this will not lead to an academic job).

Ultimately, is he going to be able to hold down a job in the future, or do his disabilities prevent this? Honestly, with the right support could he work part time in a job that he could actually get and stick at it? If so, the PhD is daft; but if this is a pipedream anyway, then providing it's not at your expense at least he's doing something for a few years.

This thread should be required reading for anyone considering a PhD. Lots of excellent clear-eyed advice about what awaits on the other side for the newly minted doctors.

Also, drop-out rate in humanities PhD programmes is higher than 50% and the majority of students who complete their degrees take between 5 and 7 years to do so, instead of the expected 3-4 years. Your DS could be 40 and still studying for his degree, since under current rules it does not serve the university to de-register a research student.

A self-funded PhD is a bad investment, as everyone has already pointed out. Worse still, in the situation you described, you could find the project eating up all of your inheritance and savings over several years without DS ever completing his longed-for degree.

@toconclude OP I have a PhD in a non stem subject and I can tell you now all the time,
effort and money are not worth it. The harsh truth is that if no funding body is willing to fund the research, it’s extremely doubtful dc will find an academic job. There are too many phds and not enough jobs.

A big red flag here would be if the PhD is in anything science adjacent, by that I mean civil engineering, health sciences, psychology etc because there are more funding opportunities there than in humanities.

If PhD is in the humanities, my true advice would be without funding, save the heart ache. Perhaps dc could spend time ensuring research could be funded? Even then though it’s a hard slog BUT there is a chance, depending on field and supervisor. That is key, if the supervisor isn’t well liked, or well published or connected, you’re starting from way behind.

What field is the PhD in?
Big questions dc needs to ask: did dc get a first class undergrad, a distinction at m level?

Harsh truth: funded phds will get more opportunities that one desperately needs in order to get an academic job, such as publications, conferences, public speaking engagements, community work, teaching (the list goes on).
Existing academic members of staff will also be enthusiastic about the future of PhD candidates but frankly this is bollox and they know full well scarcely any jobs exist.

I’d drafted a really long reply but it got deleted (Sod’s law)

Harsh truth also, outside of academia a phd on the CV is often a deterrent for many hiring managers. It’s awful but it’s true.

I’ve been through all of this myself, so feel free to inbox me, but given the risk v reward it’s not something I’d put my inheritance to if it were me. I’m pretty confident that dc will likely end up regretting his doctorate, I know I do mine.

For the record too, I taught, ran conferences, an academic journey had publications and passed my phd with no corrections (the best outcome you
Can have and incredibly rare) and it still wasn’t enough in my field.

Please don't fund him, you need the money for your own future.

He needs to find the money himself or he'll have no incentive to ever complete it. To find a funded PhD studentship he needs to check out findaphd.com and jobs.ac.uk.

If he can't get a funded PhD, he can self-fund via the government's Doctoral Loan scheme. Tho as pp have said he should carefully research what jobs might be available afterwards as academic posts are in short supply.

Did he want to do the PhD before he knew about the money?

So @toconclude have you decided what you're going to do/not going to do?

Absolutely do not do this.

The cost of care in old age is astronomical- keep your inheritance to fund that, or just doing nice things for yourself in old age.

Funded PhD’s are available for the best candidates. Bluntly, if your DS had a future as an academic or was viewed well by his teachers at uni he would get a funded place. The fact he hasn’t got one implies his research won’t go far afterwards.

Please do not do this.

@shrodingersbiscuit I sort of agree when you say if it’s unfunded it’s for a reason… yes 100% in sciences but I’d say less so in humanities BUT still sad reality is if you want a chance of a job in a humanities field you need to have had a funded PhD

I'm trying to think of new ways to discuss it with him and encouraging him to seek how to fund and find all his future, whatever that might be, to try to escape from the circular conversation.. I think I need someone not so close, Mums know nothing as is well known😁: if he's willing, I will take up some kind offers here and signposted.
One thing I want to say in his defence is that he absolutely is NOT trying to manipulate me, he wouldn't know how. He just wants this and did long before my mum died. He's grasping at straws to make it happen. "Why don't you tell me what I want to hear?" as he would and has said... He's achieved so much, it sucks to see a ceiling that's not his fault.

How would he go about this if there was no inheritance?

The thing is that the money spent on a PhD isn't going to bring him what he thinks it will. In a few years' time you'll all be there, much poorer and trying to work out what he could do now.

You have had 30 years where you have had to put someone else first - someone who doesn't put you first. It sounds as though there's been a high cost which you and your other son have paid.

You simply have to put yourself first now. Your autistic son will make more and more demands on you. You have to stand up and not give in. Rope in your husband to support you on this. I know as your son is autistic he's very focused, but the fact is that he's incredibly selfish. You need to put yourself (and your other son, and your husband) first now.

You sound like a great Mum OP.. amazing advice on here too.. good luck.. 🌸

@toconclude it’s so hard, isn’t it? You’re seeing your child being denied their heart’s desire.

Of course you want to give DS all the opportunities but a self funded PhD would be a financially ruinous poisoned chalice. Even if you could bankroll the PhD, there is no way your inheritance would solve the complete lack of jobs. You can see this will be a hard disappointment for DS, but the sooner he can properly accept it won’t work out the sooner he can move on. You’re not denying him any opportunities.

I agree, he won’t accept the truth from you. Getting a neutral third party to discuss this with him is a great plan.

I wouldn’t find studies for someone who can’t keep a job

It's been said here before: there are PhD scholarships and ppl who get academic jobs typically are ones who managed to get one of those. You put any funding gained on your CV and if you have nothing to put there you are already in a poor position to get a job. If he wants to be viable in academia he has to get formal funding.

Maybe explaining this to him will make your refusal feel less cruel. I'm sorry you have to disappoint your child.

@toconclude

I'm trying to think of new ways to discuss it with him and encouraging him to seek how to fund and find all his future, whatever that might be, to try to escape from the circular conversation.. I think I need someone not so close, Mums know nothing as is well known😁: if he's willing, I will take up some kind offers here and signposted. One thing I want to say in his defence is that he absolutely is NOT trying to manipulate me, he wouldn't know how. He just wants this and did long before my mum died. He's grasping at straws to make it happen. "Why don't you tell me what I want to hear?" as he would and has said... He's achieved so much, it sucks to see a ceiling that's not his fault.

Yes, yes, yes! So familiar! Please try to find a third party to put it to him. For us, it's my sister and adult nieces, others. He just gets so single-minded and it's SO hard. And yes, yes, 'Why don't you tell me what I want to hear?', so familiar. He doesn't want to hear 'No,' and it's so tricky to find others ways of putting it as he's ultimately not an evil person just, well, not realistic.

@ThreeLocusts

It's been said here before: there are PhD scholarships and ppl who get academic jobs typically are ones who managed to get one of those. You put any funding gained on your CV and if you have nothing to put there you are already in a poor position to get a job. If he wants to be viable in academia he has to get formal funding.

Maybe explaining this to him will make your refusal feel less cruel. I'm sorry you have to disappoint your child.

I think this is a very good point.

YANBU.

Please do not fund this, op. Honestly, this is a hard lesson for him and I feel funding would enable him and long term would be unfair on him & you.

One of my closest friends married a man with ASD who is a career student. He swore once he did his PhD he would be able to support the family (they have dc together). Well, sadly, for similar reasons to your son, that hasn't panned out. She will always be the breadwinner and he will always need support. The PhD is sadly very wasted. I value academics so it's rare I'd say any education is a waste, but it is. My cousin is the same - gave up 6 months before PhD was finished, of course it was everyone else's fault. 8 years later hasn't worked more than a couple weeks in a job and hasn't worked in 5 years.

If it were me (I have a dc with autism so I understand) I would say he needs to self-fund through work and grants. I would suggest he aims to hold down a job for a year first because after a PhD if the goal is work, then that's an essential skill.

Please don't give in b/c he tells you other parents are more supportive. That's emotional blackmail and not a way for an adult to behave.