Using my inheritance to fund adult child's PhD: Aibu not to? Long post, sorry

[toconclude]

DS2 has his heart set on an academic career in a niche subject(not STEM), related to his special interest - he's autistic but no LD in fact very bright. He lives rent free in his own home funded by a lump sum from invested DLA plus interest free loan from us.

Bluntly I feel his ambition is not realistic: even were he not autistic, openings in his field are very rare. But he's decided it's the only thing that will make him happy and talks of feeling very low if he can't achieve it. I've tried gently but clearly explaining how tough making an academic career is - I know people who have struggled severely and had in the end to follow other paths. Have suggested he look more short term and try to find more rewarding work day to day, get involved in his local community etc and follow the special interest as a hobby. Every conversation circles round to the same subject though.

He also struggles to stay employed anyway but puts it down to the jobs not being suitable for him - imo there is more to it than that as he finds social interaction hard at times and any fast paced environment stressful. He has no real idea of academic work and thinks it's all interesting research and set piece lecturing. Sadly his tutors so far do not seem to have impressed the reality onto him.

Thing is, I could in theory use my inheritance from late DM to fund a PhD, though it would eat the majority of it up especially if I were to match fund DS1 which would only be fair. DH and I can live modestly on his decent pension and my small one (had to take long career break due to DS2 needs and unpredictable nature of DH job at the time meaning no money for childcare and irregular contract working so irregular paternal availability). After DH dies I should also be financially stable. DMs money is just for an income for treats at present, plus rainy day/eventual care fund. DS2 does not know how much I have but says if I were 'more supportive, like other parents (unspecified, but he's sure they exist and I guess probably they do)' I'd help him out more and specifically with more study.

I think we've helped him a fair bit including financially - he is 30 and has never had to pay rent either at home or away,we funded 5 years of post 18 living and housing costs for first degree and Masters topping up his student loan plus regularly buying things he needs/paying essential bills and some big ticket items though he has met his basic living expenses through earnings and benefits.

Having looked at various MN threads consensus appears to be that we should financially support him until he can support himself but what if that's the rest of our lives? Am I just a selfish bitch for wanting more than a basic retirement? What will DS1, who frankly doesn't like his brother very much owing to many childhood and later embarrassments/stresses and doesn't keep in close touch with him, make of it if I do?

It would be so much easier if we just couldn't afford it, tbh. I feel morally compromised because in theory the cash is there. First world/middle class problem, eh?

He will never do without essentials, we're committed to that. We just seem to have very different ideas on what's essential

A medal for anyone who got this far, lol. Didn't want to dripfeed.

By letting your ds live rent free you are already supporting him enough in my opinion. If he wants to do a phd he will need to get a job first and save for it, this should not take too long as he does not have any other bills. It might be an incentive for him to stay in a job. Plus if it is impossible for him to stay in a job long term then I am not convinced a phd will help.

If he can’t get a funded or at least partially funded Phd it is going to be seriously expensive and probably not lead to employment as an academic. Can he not work part time and study part time? I just have the feeling that once he starts the Phd it will last longer than three years and it’s possible that it won’t ever get finished. We have helped our daughter through her Phd - she had funding that paid all her fees but had to find some living expenses. She worked part time all the way through as a post grad tutor and in the dept library as well. Her completion was held up by Covid for various unavoidable reasons but she now works full time on a good salary and is about to finish. He needs to look into all the possible ways of funding himself through this if he really wants it but I wouldn’t be giving him money I might need in the future however much he was guilt tripping you.

NC for this. I have a PhD in a STEM subject. My PhD was fully funded for fees and stipend for living costs, so slightly different in terms of financials.

If anyone asks about it, I actively discourage anyone from pursuing a PhD. I don't even know where my thesis is. I have seen fellow students and academics brutally beaten down by the system of unsecure contracts and ever increasing demands. I got out of it long ago, and would never turn back.

The PhD is not the solution. I sympathise with your situation, we did have quite a few autistic PhD students in my department as it's the sort of subject that is stereotyped by it (and alas, quite true!).

I hope you can find a resolution and other people on here will be better qualified from that side of things, but from an academic and PhD point of view, please keep your money.

It's a hobby, and he can work part time.

Sorry HNRTT but it looks like you want the best for your DS, OP, and have put your money where your mouth is so well done. I suspect the % of PhD students whose parents are as supportive as your DS has said is low single figures but happy to be corrected. Has he applied for PhD studentships or whoever they are called now though I suspect these are hard and harder for non-STEM subjects? If not, that should be his first approach and might be a reality check.

To be blunt you would be throwing money away doing this. If he can’t find a funded place that means, bluntly, that he isn’t capable of doing the phd in the first place. It’s not all research; to do a phd well in the eyes of the university he may have to socialise, travel, publish at short notice, teach and communicate well / be friendly. Can he do all of this? If not it’s a waste. Might as well burn the money.

gosh no.

He really needs to start standing on his own feet, it's much easier to quit a job when he has this safety net. Most people fund their own PHD or get a bursary not bleeding their parents dry.

@Weenurse I’m quite shocked by that response to be honest with you. Parents help doesn’t stop at a certain point. You are a parent for life. “Generous” 🤣

He needs to find, and keep, a job in a related field first. The only circumstances I'd even consider this is if he was working in the field, for a charity for example and doing the PhD part time. If someone other than your son thought it was a good career step, but wasn't able to fund it.

If he could get a job as a research assistant in the right department, that would be a much better first step. He'd make the contacts and see what it involved. Around half the PhDs I know took this route and it guaranteed them a job at the end (some were even paid a full time wage rather than the stipend I had).

So he can’t get a job in this area, even with a masters?

There is no rush to do this phd. He is 30 and it sounds like he has never really worked at all, could he get a job for the next 3 years and try to get into this field of work, and then maybe save half of what he needs.

You could help him look for funding then and come up with a plan together.

If your mother wanted him to have the money, she would have willed it to her grandchildren, she didn’t, she left it to you and it is for you.

@PlanDeRaccordement
Excuse me? At no point have I disparaged his achievements, he started special ed with very little functional language and now has a
Masters. Have supported him throughput.

Honestly OP, if he is to have ANY chance of getting work in this niche area, he needs to get a fully funded. stipend to do his PhD. Self funding PhDs, on the whole, is like self-publishing novels and is looked at the same way. If your work is good enough, someone will fund you. If it isn't, it should stay as a hobby.

When he applies for his first post-doc, or first academic job, what scholarship and funding he got will be relevant. I know someone who puts the scholarships they declined on their academic CV - as in, was accepted with funding to study at X Y Z institutions but turned it down to take this funding at A institution. I don't know how common that is, but certainly the funding background is v relevant to employment, as is a publication record. Academia is incredibly cut throat, I know a number of people who have dropped out due to breakdowns.

So its not at all as simple as 'if I do this it could help him but is probably not going to work out and will come at sacrifice to us.' If his goal is to work in academia, you funding him won't help him.

How niche is his field? I know someone who got a PhD in an area so niche that basically for him to get an academic job in the country of his birth would require waiting for his PhD supervisor to retire. He got an academic job abroad, but emigrating didn't work out as hoped and he ultimately moved back to work in another area. Thankfully his work was STEM-adjacent and he was able to work in industry.

I'm sorry though, its tough. Can you share roughly what area it is, and maybe people can think of alternatives? A friends brother is autistic and had a job in an IT firm for a while, but ultimately his social skills weren't up to it and the big name firm's supports weren't really robust enough. For all the talk about supporting people in work, a lot of people really aren't prepared to make the necessary adjustments.

Do not fund this. If a university isn’t willing to give him the money to do his PhD then it’s not good enough. There are very few job openings the other side and it will be money down the drain.

No. And autistic or not his comments about you "not being supportive like other parents" need to be pulled up. You've supported him plenty. Time now for him to live his life in the way he is able, and if he wants to consider whether he is eligible for a funded phd he can do that. Or find some other outlet for his passion - publishing articles about it on a website, seeing if there are popular journals he can try contribute to etc.

(He) "... says if I were 'more supportive, like other parents (unspecified, but he's sure they exist and I guess probably they do)' I'd help him out more and specifically with more study."

I think we've helped him a fair bit including financially - he is 30 and has never had to pay rent either at home or away , we funded 5 years of post 18 living and housing costs for first degree and Masters topping up his student loan plus regularly buying things he needs/paying essential bills and some big ticket items though he has met his basic living expenses through earnings and benefits.

You have been outstandingly financially supportive. You are continuing to be outstandingly financially supportive. (I wish I had the ability to be that financially supportive to my DS!) He is being entirely unrealistic, and indeed unappreciative, if he thinks that most people get the Bank Of Mum And Dad to pay their rent until they are 30.

It's now his turn to prove that his chosen career path is a true career, not just a hobby. He needs to apply for scholarships, and if he gets them, great, all solved. If he doesn't, then he needs to reflect on why they were not awarded to him.

YANBU at all OP to say that he can't have the money. He's 30, not 18, you've paid for him to do his bachelor's degree, which is more than many parents do and you're still paying his rent at the age of 30? Your DS is living in a selfish bubble of entitlement and you would be well advised to give him some tough love along the lines of 'DS, we've paid for everything up to now, but we don't owe you a living. It's time you started earning your own money to support yourself. You are an adult and we need to think about saving for our retirement, not endlessly forking out for more and more education for you when there is no guarantee of a job at the end', or something along those lines. You need to toughen up a bit OP or you'll be supporting him for ever more. There are plenty of jobs out there - just maybe not what he thinks he wants to do - which is pretty much the case for everyone else too. Time for your DS to join the real world!

@Fangsalot89
Is the laughing face meant to imply I've been terribly stingy? How so?

One more thing - you really need to teach him to stand on his own two feet - you aren't doing him any favours by babying him like this. As parents, our most important job is to teach our DC to survive (and hopefully thrive) without us. You've done more than enough to set him up, now it's his turn to take the reins.

Having looked at various MN threads consensus appears to be that we should financially support him until he can support himself but what if that's the rest of our lives?

I really don’t think this is true. Your DS is 30- you’ve already supported him to support himself (flat, extra expenses etc) so the PhD is a wa , not a need.

If he’s committed to doing it he needs to pursue ways of funding it. Of which you could be part, if you were willing, but you should not be the entire solution. Nope.

His autism presumably does make his focus on this being the only path difficult, I appreciate that. But still, he has to live in the real world. And in the real world, parents don’t fund PhDs on the regular. You’ve already funded an undergrad and a Masters. You need to support yourself in retirement and older age. Your duty here is to think long term for all the family, not just DS.

[quote Fangsalot89]@Weenurse I’m quite shocked by that response to be honest with you. Parents help doesn’t stop at a certain point. You are a parent for life. “Generous” 🤣[/quote]
I disagree, whilst I am a parent for life my role, bearing any additional need, is to make them into independent adults. If this was in relationships and a man was living rent free and his parents were paying for his PHD, he would be torn to shreds. Is additional needs don't change the basis.

He needs to engage with someone in his field who can support him in finding work (research assistant work) or funding.

I have a PhD and I'm an academic. I supervise MSc and PhD students. Doing a PhD is hard ....like really quite tough. He will be expected to 'work' in some capacity alongside the PhD itself, either doing teaching or research. This should in theory be paid, though sometimes it's expected to be voluntary. If he isn't able to manage himself in employment, he will really struggle in a doctoral programme that is demanding and requires a lot of self-management and organisation.

I wouldn't spend your inheritance on this. I say this even having had a lot of support from my family in doing mine. Because he really will need those skills of balancing work and study to get through it all (I was working, usually multiple jobs and had funding, and still needed family help at times). I think if he gets a year in and is showing he's holding things together, working (teaching/research/other work) and progressing according to his planned timeline, and then needs a bit of extra help, yes, I'd offer some financial support if you can afford it, but I wouldn't drain your savings for it. Academia can be very rewarding and in my (quite niche) field, I earn very well as a postdoc and have a comfortable level of job security. It's not all doom and gloom, but not everyone can get themselves in a position like that and he will need to be quite self-starting and ambitious to do it.

I have a son who's similar, OP, but there's no money or inheritance to fund him for any of this. He is also very unrealistic. Similar relationship with his sibling, she will not be caring for him, we've made this clear that she should not, he's very hard to live with, and she plans to emigrate anyway. Good. I don't want her spending her life on him.

NO, please do not fund this. You may need it yourself for health problems, you never know.

You've done enough for him.

There are often lots of local charities who will offer placements and support for those needing to enter employment, for those with SEN and those who are NT. He clearly does need some support entering the jobs market and remaining employed.

I seriously wish people would stop spouting this utter drivel. It's total bullshit. There's very little to no support out there for people with disabilities, particularly in this category.

It's actually what I find so hard about having a child like my son and yours, OP, there's no place for them in this world and they are so unrealistic and stubborn it's not going to make for a nice life for them.

My son will pester and badger and harp on the one thing he wants until I honestly wish I were dead.

You have to grey rock this.

If he’s not able to secure funding for his PhD then he shouldn’t be doing one. You definitely shouldn’t spend the inheritance on it.

I don't think you should fund it, and I don't think you really CAN afford to fund it. If you were mega rich, yes, but you're not.
Yanbu at all.

No, do not fund him. I have a PhD and I've worked in academia. It's got even tougher since I left. Mentally you have to be very strong and take a lot of stress. You'll also find that you don't actually have that much intellectual freedom since what you can research will depend on what you can get funding for. Getting a job is difficult, keeping it even more so. The various research assessment exercises or whatever they're calling the current set of 'hup boy, jump' hoops are bog awful. If you apply for funding once in post not only are you expected to fund your salary and on costs but also full economic costs i.e. every other bugger's salary and the university infrastructure as well.

If he really wants this he will find a way to fund it. I do think many people with great PhD ideas don't get funding, because what they want to do doesn't fit. But that's also the point - their ideas do not fit.

He has the immense luxury of living rent free. That must be a huge help. He can use that to work out what he wants and to find out a way to achieve it without you spending your inheritance and your retirement fund.

Another voice saying definitely don't fund this. If he wants to do a PhD then the first step is to secure funding, whether that's applying for grants and scholarships (there may be special grants for disabled students) or getting regular work and saving up. If he can't do this first step then he won't be able to manage what comes next.

He does sound very stuck though. Is there a careers advice service near you? Sometimes the local library or sixth form college will provide these.