Using my inheritance to fund adult child's PhD: Aibu not to? Long post, sorry

[toconclude]

DS2 has his heart set on an academic career in a niche subject(not STEM), related to his special interest - he's autistic but no LD in fact very bright. He lives rent free in his own home funded by a lump sum from invested DLA plus interest free loan from us.

Bluntly I feel his ambition is not realistic: even were he not autistic, openings in his field are very rare. But he's decided it's the only thing that will make him happy and talks of feeling very low if he can't achieve it. I've tried gently but clearly explaining how tough making an academic career is - I know people who have struggled severely and had in the end to follow other paths. Have suggested he look more short term and try to find more rewarding work day to day, get involved in his local community etc and follow the special interest as a hobby. Every conversation circles round to the same subject though.

He also struggles to stay employed anyway but puts it down to the jobs not being suitable for him - imo there is more to it than that as he finds social interaction hard at times and any fast paced environment stressful. He has no real idea of academic work and thinks it's all interesting research and set piece lecturing. Sadly his tutors so far do not seem to have impressed the reality onto him.

Thing is, I could in theory use my inheritance from late DM to fund a PhD, though it would eat the majority of it up especially if I were to match fund DS1 which would only be fair. DH and I can live modestly on his decent pension and my small one (had to take long career break due to DS2 needs and unpredictable nature of DH job at the time meaning no money for childcare and irregular contract working so irregular paternal availability). After DH dies I should also be financially stable. DMs money is just for an income for treats at present, plus rainy day/eventual care fund. DS2 does not know how much I have but says if I were 'more supportive, like other parents (unspecified, but he's sure they exist and I guess probably they do)' I'd help him out more and specifically with more study.

I think we've helped him a fair bit including financially - he is 30 and has never had to pay rent either at home or away,we funded 5 years of post 18 living and housing costs for first degree and Masters topping up his student loan plus regularly buying things he needs/paying essential bills and some big ticket items though he has met his basic living expenses through earnings and benefits.

Having looked at various MN threads consensus appears to be that we should financially support him until he can support himself but what if that's the rest of our lives? Am I just a selfish bitch for wanting more than a basic retirement? What will DS1, who frankly doesn't like his brother very much owing to many childhood and later embarrassments/stresses and doesn't keep in close touch with him, make of it if I do?

It would be so much easier if we just couldn't afford it, tbh. I feel morally compromised because in theory the cash is there. First world/middle class problem, eh?

He will never do without essentials, we're committed to that. We just seem to have very different ideas on what's essential

A medal for anyone who got this far, lol. Didn't want to dripfeed.

Sorry, this would probably be money down the drain. Can he not find a funded PhD in his chosen field? Though I’m guessing that if one were to be available, he’d struggle to compete against others to get it.

Has he found a supervisor who is willing to take him on?

I work in a uni and I agree, an academic career is an exceptionally tough, stressful path and academics are under huge pressure to churn out the required volume of papers. Doing a PhD is also tough, much more so than a first degree or MSc. And I’m afraid his issues with social interaction will be more of an issue as a PhD student.

You’ve supported him through 2 degrees, you’ve been very generous already and enough is enough. I think he should concentrate on finding work that suits him, though I realise he won’t agree.

I absolutely would not fund his PhD in these circumstances. If he really wants to pursue a PhD and an academic career, it is up to him to explore funding options. However, it does seem he may have an unrealistic vision of exactly what such a career entails. I'm an academic. Though I generally enjoy my work, it can be quite stressful at times.

I truly cannot understand some people on MN who seem to think that parents should provide endless financial support to adult children in situations like this one. At a certain point adults really need to stand on their own two feet. It sounds as though your son is capable of an independent life, though he may need some additional emotional or practical (not necessarily financial) support. If so, then IMO the Bank of Mum and Dad should be closed except in cases of emergency.

He says that you should support him in this like other parents do - tell him you are very supportive of his aims but not in a financial way. You need the money to make your life more comfortable so please don't fund him any more. Your job now is to encourage him to live independently which will mean him finding a job that he can hold down as he will need to be self supporting when you're gone. You won't be doing him any favours by financially enabling him to pursue his hobby but you can still support him emotionally and with every-day problems.

It says that of all the people with a BA or master's, you were in the top few per cent of the cohort, and only that top few will end up making it in academia

When I left uni many years ago, I had secured funding at another university for a PhD in a STEM subject. At the uni where I graduated there were a certain number of funded PhDs in that subject each year - I think around 6 or 7 for a cohort of 200 undergraduates. When the results were issued we were called into the head of department's office one at a time, starting with the top of the year and going down the list. We were asked what our plans were and if we wanted to do one of the funded PhDs. They were given out in descending order of exam results making for a very nerve-racking time for a couple of my friends who wanted to do a PhD but weren't in the top 10.
Fortunately for them, enough people who were above them in the list were going into industry or to other universities or had secured industrial sponsorship. My best friend squeezed in as the last one.
(Pure exam results don't guarantee PhD success of course and they probably missed out on some potentially better students by doing it this way, but that's the way they chose to do it and sometimes life is unfair like that).

Your DS also needs to be wary of tutors encouraging him to do this. It's great for them if someone comes along and wants to do a self-funded PhD. The supervisor doesn't have to concern themselves with securing funding at all and basically they get an extra researcher for 3 or 4 years free of charge. The student might turn up something really great and the supervisor gets their name on the paper and ends up getting most of the credit for it.
Unless one of these supervisors is willing to put their money where their mouth is, he should be careful of false flattery....

Universities offer funded studentships. This is what he needs to be looking at. Topped up with being a graduate tutor etc. Lots of students fund PhDs this way.

www.optimumperformanceinstitute.com/failure-to-launch-syndrome/

Something like this might be a better use for your funds. I'm sure that programme is a crazy price, but patching together something in the UK with various therapists might work.

My nephew is wanting to do a PhD starting Sept. He has worked up a couple of research proposals w his university and they (and he) are now looking for funding. May happen, may not.

It's pretty unusual to self fund a PhD but if your ds wants to then he needs to get saving

You've been a fabulous support to him (and always will be) but don't do this.

He is (sadly for him) highly unlikely to get a teaching role in academia (although as a previous poster notes he could try for roles in universities, on the admin side if he wants to work in HE).

You would have spent your money in the support of an eternal student ... The world is full of these. Fine if you can self-fund. But that's not the case here.

I always find it incredibly sad when people can't inherit from their parents without someone wanting to take the money off them. Your son has had a massive amount of financial help from you, OP. Your mum left that money for you to enjoy your later years. It's one thing treating children to something from an inheritance, but they will inherit from you; they shouldn't take your inheritance off you as well.

I think the grey-rock thing is all you can do. This isn't something that will lead to employment. It's not an investment in his future. If you gave him the money it would be basically to stop him going on about it - but when his PhD is complete and he can't get work, what will he do then?

You'd simply be using that money to buy yourself some time. It's a waste of money.

I really feel for your other son, tbh.

@osbertthesyrianhamster
God, so hard, my sympathies to you. He's mostly been very positive and determined, hence achieving what he has. So hard to see, as you say, how much he doesn't fit in the NT world.

He's 30 years old!!! Time to stop being bank of mum and dad. To manipulate you into giving him money is wrong. He needs to grow up.

To add, working with a uni or other research institution to develop this idea and secure funding would be an excellent start to a career in research if that is the route he's wanting to take.

I think you're both putting the cart before the horse. Could he even be accepted into a programme? How did he do in his MA? If he can't be accepted in the first place, this whole discussion is moot.

Does he have a research proposal already? If not, you could suggest that he write this up and then you will discuss finances after that. If he can't even write the proposal, then nothing is going to happen anyway.

If he can be accepted somewhere, then I would suggest trying to think of some positive strategies for making it work. For example, if he did the PhD part-time he could work alongside it, so perhaps you make this a condition -- that you would make some contribution (not all of it!) on the condition that he also work and contribute to the cost. This might help keep him in a job. He could also take a loan for the rest.

He is probably not suited for a job as a regular academic, sure, but having a PhD might set him up for a research job or writing in his field, which he might enjoy and might support him going forward.

I wouldn’t do it and I speak as someone who used a chunk of inheritance to house mine. Funding is still available and this is the point whereby he needs to look elsewhere.

www.gov.uk/doctoral-loan

@parietal

Universities have scholarships for people to do PhDs. He needs to apply for these. If he can't get a funded place from the university, then a phd is not the right career path.

Exactly this.

He should be able to gain PhD funding (and living costs) if he is aiming for FT study and good enough to work in academia.

I've recently finished a PhD. It was without doubt the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life-and I haven't had an easy life!

Most of these posts are assuming that your son will finish the PhD-in all honesty from what you've said here I highly doubt he would even finish the programme and graduate. You need to be highly motivated and hard-working to do a PhD-it is completely unlike a normal job. You spend so much time on your own conducting research and writing etc. and I would not recommend this path for anybody who doesn't have a solid work ethic. So many people think intelligence is the key to a PhD but I honestly think that intelligence only goes so far. I know lots of highly intelligent people who have struggled because of the day to day slog that a PhD can be.

I won't go into the mechanics of PhD funding because I actually disagree with quite a few of the posters here when it comes to funding but I can categorically say that if you doubt your son's work ethic in any way then a PhD is not for him.

I wouldn't fund it either. It's very difficult to say no to a child who has additional needs - you want to make their life as easy as possible. But paying for everything indefinitely isn't doing him any favours. And I would be worried about my other child - it's easy for parents to fall into the trap of thinking that their NT children are okay and don't need any support. They always come second because their needs aren't so obvious or immediate. There are already conflicts between your sons and I don't think ploughing all your money into ds1 is going to help.
I don't like that your DS feels entitled to your inheritance and his total lack of appreciation for all the things you already do. If he was mine I'd focus on helping him to get and keep a job. There's no way I'd finance this though.

In your shoes I wouldn’t give him the money.
Partly because it sounds like the money would be useful for you amin your second half of life 😀…..but also because I don’t think handing him money for a PHD is necessarily helpful for him in the long term. If he can’t maintain a job now, then having a PHD won’t make a difference. It sounds as though he is a bright and able man in lots of way, so I am sure he can’t work towards saving for the PHD or accessing funds in other ways.

It would be different if this PHD was going to have long term benefit for him, but from what you’ve written it seems likely that after getting the PHD he’s be in the same position as he is now anyway.

He needs to fund his own Phd and as others have said … you may need the money in the future for something essential especially is he has limited job opportunities.

Absolutely not. I have a PhD from a very prestigious program and there are so few academic jobs it is sad. Most Universities, at least in the US, do not charge for PhD if you are really qualified. They give teaching assistantships and other funding because paying for a PhD makes little economic sense. I agree that money may be useful later for your son.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I have a son who's similar, OP, but there's no money or inheritance to fund him for any of this. He is also very unrealistic. Similar relationship with his sibling, she will not be caring for him, we've made this clear that she should not, he's very hard to live with, and she plans to emigrate anyway. Good. I don't want her spending her life on him.

NO, please do not fund this. You may need it yourself for health problems, you never know.

You've done enough for him.

There are often lots of local charities who will offer placements and support for those needing to enter employment, for those with SEN and those who are NT. He clearly does need some support entering the jobs market and remaining employed.

I seriously wish people would stop spouting this utter drivel. It's total bullshit. There's very little to no support out there for people with disabilities, particularly in this category.

It's actually what I find so hard about having a child like my son and yours, OP, there's no place for them in this world and they are so unrealistic and stubborn it's not going to make for a nice life for them.

My son will pester and badger and harp on the one thing he wants until I honestly wish I were dead.

You have to grey rock this.

All this with bells on.

Really, really don't do it OP. He won't express any actual gratitude even if you do and you know it'll probably be a waste of your money.

He'll guilt trip you till the cows come home if he's anything like my son but, say you did fund him, it wouldn't be long until you've made his life more difficult again. Honestly, the first problem and it'll be your fault!

Reasoning with a highly intelligent person with autism can be much harder than banging your head on a brick wall. So keep the message simple and on repeat.
ie Nope, sorry.

Actually, the 'sorry' could lead to more arguments!!

Imagine if something happen in a few years (eg you or husband having reduced mobility or having long term illness) and not having access to that money because you’ve funded a PHD for your son.

I’d echo the voices above, if he can’t get funding for the PhD from a University, Or funded by industry depending on the sector, in a way that’s reflection on the value of his research area - if no one is willing to pay for the PhD they won’t value him once he has completed it - I know that feels like commercialising research, but I would think better to save your money

For me the key is that you know this to be unrealistic, and having already supported so much learning, I expect you've looked into it thoroughly

The rest follows from that, in that his expectations could also become unrealistic. There's also the benefit of actually working, as you said expanding his horizons in that way instead, and that's before you even get to the importance of your own retirement

I have an adult disabled DS myself so can perhaps understand some of your concerns, but overall this might be the time to back off and encourage more social interactions instead. Even if you get the "my life is ruined" speech, better that than even worse disappointment for him further down the road, and a wasted fortune for you

Very difficult issue. My son who has ASD and learning difficulties also has skewered thinking on this sort of thing (unless it's me being unreasonable). Daughter (also ASD) persuaded me to get a dog. He didn't want a dog so he considers I owe him the price of the dog! We live in 2-bed house so currently the lounge is my bedroom. Mercifully getting an extension done soon but he considers that selfish spending on my part. I hope he doesn't start thinking I owe him the money for that too ...