Using my inheritance to fund adult child's PhD: Aibu not to? Long post, sorry

[toconclude]

DS2 has his heart set on an academic career in a niche subject(not STEM), related to his special interest - he's autistic but no LD in fact very bright. He lives rent free in his own home funded by a lump sum from invested DLA plus interest free loan from us.

Bluntly I feel his ambition is not realistic: even were he not autistic, openings in his field are very rare. But he's decided it's the only thing that will make him happy and talks of feeling very low if he can't achieve it. I've tried gently but clearly explaining how tough making an academic career is - I know people who have struggled severely and had in the end to follow other paths. Have suggested he look more short term and try to find more rewarding work day to day, get involved in his local community etc and follow the special interest as a hobby. Every conversation circles round to the same subject though.

He also struggles to stay employed anyway but puts it down to the jobs not being suitable for him - imo there is more to it than that as he finds social interaction hard at times and any fast paced environment stressful. He has no real idea of academic work and thinks it's all interesting research and set piece lecturing. Sadly his tutors so far do not seem to have impressed the reality onto him.

Thing is, I could in theory use my inheritance from late DM to fund a PhD, though it would eat the majority of it up especially if I were to match fund DS1 which would only be fair. DH and I can live modestly on his decent pension and my small one (had to take long career break due to DS2 needs and unpredictable nature of DH job at the time meaning no money for childcare and irregular contract working so irregular paternal availability). After DH dies I should also be financially stable. DMs money is just for an income for treats at present, plus rainy day/eventual care fund. DS2 does not know how much I have but says if I were 'more supportive, like other parents (unspecified, but he's sure they exist and I guess probably they do)' I'd help him out more and specifically with more study.

I think we've helped him a fair bit including financially - he is 30 and has never had to pay rent either at home or away,we funded 5 years of post 18 living and housing costs for first degree and Masters topping up his student loan plus regularly buying things he needs/paying essential bills and some big ticket items though he has met his basic living expenses through earnings and benefits.

Having looked at various MN threads consensus appears to be that we should financially support him until he can support himself but what if that's the rest of our lives? Am I just a selfish bitch for wanting more than a basic retirement? What will DS1, who frankly doesn't like his brother very much owing to many childhood and later embarrassments/stresses and doesn't keep in close touch with him, make of it if I do?

It would be so much easier if we just couldn't afford it, tbh. I feel morally compromised because in theory the cash is there. First world/middle class problem, eh?

He will never do without essentials, we're committed to that. We just seem to have very different ideas on what's essential

A medal for anyone who got this far, lol. Didn't want to dripfeed.

YANBU.

At all. And I speak as an academic in a humanities field and someone who knew from the age of about 14 that this is what I wanted to do.

But he sounds very unsuited to academic work: it is not just research. You start out doing a lot of teaching & in the Humanities, interpersonal skills ae essential to be a successful teaching: you have to facilitate students' learning.

From your description of your DS, he'd be a bit of a nightmare colleague & not a good teacher. Sorry - I know I sound harsh, but undergrads deserve to have academics who are the best teachers we can be.

If he's bright enough, he can win a studentship to do a PhD - don't fund it yourself. He could also take a career investment loan.

It sounds like a really hard place to be in OP.
Huge pressure from someone you love and want to protect and support.

But as his parents you can see past the completion point of PhD. If he managed through his intellect and focus to get the qualification he can still perfectly well be unemployed.

Because it isn't the lack of a PhD that is holding him back currently from what you have said as his inability to work with people and that isn't going to be improved by a PhD.

He will simply be highly qualified and unemployed and you will have no money for yourself either.

If he can get and keep a job at a university for a year maybe you could offer some much smaller top up funds if he manages to get funding to get for a PhD.
That way you are showing willing to support him but also making it clear that making it happen is on him.

Being clear on your own boundaries and self care isn't bad parenting.

@lakesummer

It sounds like a really hard place to be in OP. Huge pressure from someone you love and want to protect and support.

But as his parents you can see past the completion point of PhD. If he managed through his intellect and focus to get the qualification he can still perfectly well be unemployed.

Because it isn't the lack of a PhD that is holding him back currently from what you have said as his inability to work with people and that isn't going to be improved by a PhD.

He will simply be highly qualified and unemployed and you will have no money for yourself either.

If he can get and keep a job at a university for a year maybe you could offer some much smaller top up funds if he manages to get funding to get for a PhD.
That way you are showing willing to support him but also making it clear that making it happen is on him.

Being clear on your own boundaries and self care isn't bad parenting.

exactly...

very well expressed 🌸

I have never heard of parents funding a PhD.. masters, yes, but not a PhD!!!

Can you explain in more about detail what you mean by:
"niche interest", "academic career", "special subject", "not realistic"?

I have a mix of thoughts and experiences that might be of interest to you. I'll give you a really brief background to explain why I'm asking these questions. I've been working as a private tutor since the start of 2009 teaching A-level maths/statistics/advanced maths, chemistry and physics, the molecular parts of A-level biology and a various other GCSE's - most of my students are 16-18 (although I also see students again after they have failed maths/statistic oriented exams at the end of their 1st year as they have gained places at uni with poor A-level maths results - especially psychology, business and biology-related) and I try assist in their choice of degree - my daughters and a couple of other students both went on to study medicine but I have students that have gone on to PhD's in various fields - some have given up, others regret the time and effort invested, one is doing what some do and transforming her thesis in to a book for publication. I worked in software for 20+ years in environments where I worked with many post docs; I (wisely IMHO) stopped after my masters - I struggle to think of anyone that, with hindsight, would repeat their PhD . My daughters partner is a UK university researcher in brain imaging and his work is linked to investigating a number of medical conditions - gluten intolerance, onset of Parkinsons, etc - i worked as a scientist for a cancer research funded laboratory; research is often a stressful cycle of publishing papers, presenting at conference and making applications to gain funding - it's often very competitive - it's not all research unless (perhaps!) you work at Cambridge where many research groups operate as though it is still 1950 (my daughter and her partner both worked there). My daughters partner is succeeding (I think) for many reasons - but his non-research skills are hugely important - presenting at conference, writing/submitting papers, statistical analysis and his ability to network well with researchers around the world. He worries that his field of research is narrow and only seems to be narowing. Although my daughter is working as a full-time hospital doctor she has research interests that she maintains and published 1-2 short papers a year - she is an excellent writer, is proactive, knows how to get people to "do stuff" and gets things done on time.

My daughters and wife all agree I am "on the spectrum" - at 10 years of age I had memorised pi to 200 places (I still know this now and have played around with places up to 500 for no useful reason whatsoever other than I like testing my memory and finding ways to remember things) but a diagnosis is a subjective one, not an objective one - a doctor would be assessing the impact your autism has on your life, e.g. impact on personal relationships. I have had autistic students in my classes and I have worked with a few engineers who are undoubtedly on the spectrum - they were all quite different personalities and differed greatly in their effectiveness and the way they fitted in to an engineering team - some were self reliant, a source of ideas, effective at completing - others needed a lot of management and direction. Does he have a formal diagnosis of ASD?

One of my former students has just quit his PhD in the US after being part funded by parents and grandparents for 4-5 years - he is an English lit grad. He did have a paid position in the department and had some lecturing commitments. He suffers from terminal indecision so struggles to decide what to commit to the page or exactly what position to take; he can not hit a deadline to save his life and has had to pay several large fines for missing academic deadlines. He allowed himself to become distracted and became involved with student politics. He has just married an is returning to the UK soon - I have no idea what he or his new wife will do. He is a very talented and likeable guy - an exceptional musician/composer and a gentle soul - I think a lot of him but I think he will always struggle in life - his parents and grandparents think the world of him and have done a huge amount to support him but he is too much a child that needs looking after - he is disoganised and is not self reliant - he relies on the mothering instincts of all around him to get by.

In a nutshell - I wouldn't recomnend you fund your son's PhD. IMHO you have to tell him point blank you can not afford it (even if you could) and that you are not in a position to risk leaving yourself in an unattractive financial position. What does he think a "career" in academia really entails?

HTH

Not rft but I don’t think you would be helping him if you finance it. He will have little incentive to work and earn if he doesn’t have to, taking into account his difficulties of course. It isn’t a realistic expectation for life when you are no longer around.

@larkstar

Did your Parents fund you into your 30's to achieve this ?

doesnt he get a non-taxable stipend to fund himself with?

Someone has probably already said this but there is a govt loan to support PhD study + he should investigate the doctoral training programmes his leading institutions (in terms of PhD subject) participate in. There are other schemes he might want to investigate e.g Wellcome. He needs to talk to his Director of Post grad research or a senior academic. They can direct. He should be investigating this and how to self support himself.

@WellLarDeDar

doesnt he get a non-taxable stipend to fund himself with?

Funding like that is hugely competitive. Particularly for non-STEM.

Honestly he needs to just get the loan. With no housing costs and the loan he should have enough to live off. Although if getting a supervisor is proving difficult (which suggests maybe his academics or proposal just aren't good enough whatever he thinks) it may all be moot anyway....

I don't think your being unreasonable not using your inheritance to fund your ds PhD. The reality is that he is now 30 and is bright but has autism. You have helped him out a lot to get to this stage and he also has a flat that he is not paying rent on.

At this stage he needs to be getting help to get a job and some support in work to keep him their. Going forward to a PhD is just putting off the day of employment and their is no guarantee of a lecture post or a job at the end.
I know a very bright woman who did a PhD in a non stem area. She ended up getting a few contract jobs but her earnings were poor despite having the PhD. She is now a sahm but plans to go back to work when her kids are older.

I have a friend on the autism spectrum. She was out of work and did a course that she liked. She decided then to do some volunteer work and has been doing this for over a year. She saw a job, applied for it and rang the manager to find out when they would be interviewing people. She will be interviewed soon for this job. Her voluntary work she told me helped me get the experience to apply for this job.

In regards to the inheritance you need to keep this as in time that extra money could pay for health insurance, a wet room, home improvements or enable early retirement. None of us know what the future holds but I know having extra money can and does make life easier.

Don’t do it. He applies for funding from the usual sources

OK OP. Suggestion. Sit him down and go "OK, this is clearly something you've set your heart on, let's talk about how you can get there".

Being supportive doesn't have to mean "here is the money, bye". It can mean "OK, let's talk through ways you can Do The Thing without my help". It can mean helping him look through scholarships or companies that might be prepared to sponsor him if his PhD was in a specific direction. If he's still in touch with his Masters' tutors they might also have suggestions. He might be able to apply for specific disability related scholarships and he almost certainly qualifies for a PhD loan (only has to be paid back at 6% of earnings over £21000) - www.disabilityrightsuk.org/funding-postgraduate-education-disabled-students

There is a middle ground between "I am paying for this for you" and "if you can't work this out entirely alone you can't even attempt it". At present he is hyper-focused on the way he gets this being through you. Break that hyper focus not by saying "I don't think you should do this" but by saying "okay, lets look at other ways together".

If he truly has a dream to study further then he needs to fund it. It wouldn't be fair to fund one and not the other either - so I am guessing that's your inheritance almost cleared out. You seem to have given him an easy life so far, so he certainly needs to pay for any further things himself.

Yanbu.. you are not selfish. He’s 30. Well behind the age where he should be expecting financial support from parents.

If he wants a PhD then he can find ways to fund this. It’s your inheritance to do with as you wish, but I would warn against enabling an adult to not be self reliant. If he were 18-I could see helping. but 30? No..

You say it’s hard for him to stay employed. What’s to say he will magically stay employed in his “dream job” after getting the PhD? Why would that magically make him better able to stay employed? Maybe it will work out and maybe not. Either way it is not unreasonable to expect a 30 yr old man to be self sufficient and to fund their life. Education or otherwise. If he is adamant about this, then he should be even more determined about getting and keeping a job to fund his education.

You are in dangerous territory here where you could find yourself funding what we call a “career student”. First it’s this PhD. Then it’s an additional PhD for something to make them even more niche. Additional studies and certifications. It’s possible that your son sees this PhD as a way to avoid working and actually relying on himself.

You also mentioned this is to pay for your care as you get older? Do you not get to have anything for yourself?

Unpopular opinion perhaps… adult children must learn to be self sufficient. Even if it means they fall down and have to dust themselves off. You’re actually not helping your son by preventing him from being able to look after himself.

If this is his dream then you can be supportive but NOT financially.
Tell him to apply to all the usual funding sources but make clear that if that doesn’t work he has to come up with a plan B.
Don’t give him the money and don’t be manipulated into it

@parietal and@StudentProblems are completely right. IF he is good enough to do a PhD, he will get funding. And even IF he is one of the lucky few who get funding, there is still only a small chance he will end up with an academic job in the end.
I saw a post in Times Higher Education by David Matthews titled something like, "If you love research, academia might not be for you," which might be a good place to start in him becoming more realistic about this path. You have funded enough.

If he really wants an academic career, he could try getting a teaching position in a university in his subject which would help fund his PhD and would also forge a pathway for a future career. as someone else has already said, if he can't find external funding for his project, it is unlikely to lead directly to a career anyway.

You have gone above and beyond to financially support him, but funding a PhD is a step too far. It is at least 3, more
Realistically 4 years and employment prospects afterwards are not guaranteed.

Help him to apply for funded PhD places. If he doesn't get one, it is not to be.

OP you are an amazing parent but we don't have to give our DC everything we have. You and your DH deserve some comforts above what is basic.
I think the hardest thing your DS needs to learn is that he has to stand on his own two feet now. In some ways that is going to be harder than a PhD, I guess.

he could try getting a teaching position in a university in his subject which would help fund his PhD and would also forge a pathway for a future career

Those posts don't exist, I'm afraid! A salaried. contract position requires a PhD, and the part-time, paid by the hour teaching in a Department generally goes to those currently enrolled in a PhD in the department.

And frankly, from what the OP says, I'd doubt his ability or capacity as a tutor. It's not solely (or even mostly) about simply imparting information. At university, as tutors, we're engaged in facilitating the students to learn (rather than simply teaching content).

I don’t think you should pay for his PhD but I do think you sound very negative about his career prospects and that is possibly what he is picking up on.

[quote BlueDaises]@larkstar

Did your Parents fund you into your 30's to achieve this ? [/quote]
Achieve what?

I left home at 18 to go to uni and had nothing to do with my parents after that - I did not have a good relationship with them - they were opposed to my studying. My father was a welder, an abusive alcoholic - my youngest sister was the most profoundly affected by out upbringing. My mother died in 2007 aged 67 and none of us - me or my 2 sisters has any contact with him since then. I was working full time as a software engineer and did my masters part time over 4 years about 4-5 years after graduating.

If he can't get funding (NB NOT a loan) from a research council or other grant provider, there's no point doing a PhD. It's a waste of money. If he's bright he should be able to understand that if he's not bright enough to win funding, he can't do what he wants.

I agree with the gist of the replies but perhaps for a slightly different reason: you are important too. You don’t know when this money might be useful for you or the wider family, or as it is inherited from your mother, you might want to remember her in some way. I think it’s time you looked after you a bit more.