Using my inheritance to fund adult child's PhD: Aibu not to? Long post, sorry

[toconclude]

DS2 has his heart set on an academic career in a niche subject(not STEM), related to his special interest - he's autistic but no LD in fact very bright. He lives rent free in his own home funded by a lump sum from invested DLA plus interest free loan from us.

Bluntly I feel his ambition is not realistic: even were he not autistic, openings in his field are very rare. But he's decided it's the only thing that will make him happy and talks of feeling very low if he can't achieve it. I've tried gently but clearly explaining how tough making an academic career is - I know people who have struggled severely and had in the end to follow other paths. Have suggested he look more short term and try to find more rewarding work day to day, get involved in his local community etc and follow the special interest as a hobby. Every conversation circles round to the same subject though.

He also struggles to stay employed anyway but puts it down to the jobs not being suitable for him - imo there is more to it than that as he finds social interaction hard at times and any fast paced environment stressful. He has no real idea of academic work and thinks it's all interesting research and set piece lecturing. Sadly his tutors so far do not seem to have impressed the reality onto him.

Thing is, I could in theory use my inheritance from late DM to fund a PhD, though it would eat the majority of it up especially if I were to match fund DS1 which would only be fair. DH and I can live modestly on his decent pension and my small one (had to take long career break due to DS2 needs and unpredictable nature of DH job at the time meaning no money for childcare and irregular contract working so irregular paternal availability). After DH dies I should also be financially stable. DMs money is just for an income for treats at present, plus rainy day/eventual care fund. DS2 does not know how much I have but says if I were 'more supportive, like other parents (unspecified, but he's sure they exist and I guess probably they do)' I'd help him out more and specifically with more study.

I think we've helped him a fair bit including financially - he is 30 and has never had to pay rent either at home or away,we funded 5 years of post 18 living and housing costs for first degree and Masters topping up his student loan plus regularly buying things he needs/paying essential bills and some big ticket items though he has met his basic living expenses through earnings and benefits.

Having looked at various MN threads consensus appears to be that we should financially support him until he can support himself but what if that's the rest of our lives? Am I just a selfish bitch for wanting more than a basic retirement? What will DS1, who frankly doesn't like his brother very much owing to many childhood and later embarrassments/stresses and doesn't keep in close touch with him, make of it if I do?

It would be so much easier if we just couldn't afford it, tbh. I feel morally compromised because in theory the cash is there. First world/middle class problem, eh?

He will never do without essentials, we're committed to that. We just seem to have very different ideas on what's essential

A medal for anyone who got this far, lol. Didn't want to dripfeed.

There are often lots of local charities who will offer placements and support for those needing to enter employment, for those with SEN and those who are NT. He clearly does need some support entering the jobs market and remaining employed.

osbertthesyrianhamster
...I seriously wish people would stop spouting this utter drivel. It's total bullshit. There's very little to no support out there for people with disabilities, particularly in this category...

^^^ Spot on! ^^^^^

There's really not that much risk to supervisors at the acceptance stage. Basically funding is admin/your issue. Lots of people are accepted but then withdraw because they didn't get funding. Or got funding elsewhere.

In the humanities you are initially registered for a lesser qualification. You have to pass your first year. Even self funded students have to pass upgrade to progress to PhD. Then supervisors are judged on who successfully completes in the acceptable timeframe.

Do not, under any circumstances, fund this (I say this as someone doing a PhD in an equally niche and impossible to get work in field).

If he is really promising there will be funding avenues available. Encourage him to apply for these. Honestly in the humanities anyway self funding makes it less likely you'll be offered a job.

Speaking as someone who did a PhD and is married to someone with a PhD; and as a likely Aspergers myself; you should consider that if you fund him, you are likely making it LESS likely for him to get a suitable job in future.

Academic jobs (in our/your child's kind if field) are rare; good academic jobs are just something you should realistically NOT count on.

Having years in this program will making employers question his suitability for other jobs, PLUS he has now lost years in which he could be gaining experience in other things.

He can work parttime in a store (routine interactions and predictability, doesn't suck up his intellectual energy) and do a PhD parttime as a hobby.

Because it IS a hobby, not a career prospect. Just like acting or singing. Some people make a career but you would be daft to count on it.

You would do him a favour in not funding it,and that's before we even get into the financial aspects of it...

Even for the most niche subjects there is some funding available for PhDs. Perhaps you could help him to research any funding options. There is usually a lot of competition, but if he doesn't get them, perhaps that will help him to move on and start considering other options. There is also no rule which says you much do a PhD straight after your Masters. You could encourage him to find a job and work towards saving up for one, OR, in a relevant field, and employer may fund one.

Why can't he apply for funding? That's what I'm having to do for my PhD. You can get a Doctoral loan of 25k from the government.

YANBU to not fund him. Being poor is part of doing a PhD.

I highly recommend that you and your H also do some serious financial planning with this inheritance for yourselves and your old age. With NHS services being eroded, it's not unrealistic to assume you may need private health care in the future yourselves, or even access to the funds to provide drug treatment for health conditions that the NHS does not provide. My MIL, for example, is on an eternal waiting list to have a hip replacement that she cannot afford privately. Things like this are quite common.

Not to mention all the rest. My father left the bulk of everything to my mother, quite rightly. Of course. But just in the past week she's had her boiler, the dishwasher and her power shower go. Even on a modest pension, this could have sent her over the edge and into debt. They did extensive financial planning with several advisers and also a great deal of estate planning.

Buy your funeral plans now, for example. My father was only ill for a fortnight before he died, having the plans in place took a huge burden off all of us, it was literally ring up and enact the plans. Ditto most of the probate, a meeting with a few folks to do the paperwork to get everything transferred to my mother's name and her own estate re-jigged as a widow.

I cannot stress doing this in your 50s if possible enough! Things can change rapidly.

Haven't read the whole thread so I'm not sure if anyone has posted this.

You can get post graduate doctorate loans form Student Finance England.

www.gov.uk/doctoral-loan

@toconclude

DS2 has his heart set on an academic career in a niche subject(not STEM), related to his special interest - he's autistic but no LD in fact very bright. He lives rent free in his own home funded by a lump sum from invested DLA plus interest free loan from us.

Bluntly I feel his ambition is not realistic: even were he not autistic, openings in his field are very rare. But he's decided it's the only thing that will make him happy and talks of feeling very low if he can't achieve it. I've tried gently but clearly explaining how tough making an academic career is - I know people who have struggled severely and had in the end to follow other paths. Have suggested he look more short term and try to find more rewarding work day to day, get involved in his local community etc and follow the special interest as a hobby. Every conversation circles round to the same subject though.

He also struggles to stay employed anyway but puts it down to the jobs not being suitable for him - imo there is more to it than that as he finds social interaction hard at times and any fast paced environment stressful. He has no real idea of academic work and thinks it's all interesting research and set piece lecturing. Sadly his tutors so far do not seem to have impressed the reality onto him.

Thing is, I could in theory use my inheritance from late DM to fund a PhD, though it would eat the majority of it up especially if I were to match fund DS1 which would only be fair. DH and I can live modestly on his decent pension and my small one (had to take long career break due to DS2 needs and unpredictable nature of DH job at the time meaning no money for childcare and irregular contract working so irregular paternal availability). After DH dies I should also be financially stable. DMs money is just for an income for treats at present, plus rainy day/eventual care fund. DS2 does not know how much I have but says if I were 'more supportive, like other parents (unspecified, but he's sure they exist and I guess probably they do)' I'd help him out more and specifically with more study.

I think we've helped him a fair bit including financially - he is 30 and has never had to pay rent either at home or away,we funded 5 years of post 18 living and housing costs for first degree and Masters topping up his student loan plus regularly buying things he needs/paying essential bills and some big ticket items though he has met his basic living expenses through earnings and benefits.

Having looked at various MN threads consensus appears to be that we should financially support him until he can support himself but what if that's the rest of our lives? Am I just a selfish bitch for wanting more than a basic retirement? What will DS1, who frankly doesn't like his brother very much owing to many childhood and later embarrassments/stresses and doesn't keep in close touch with him, make of it if I do?

It would be so much easier if we just couldn't afford it, tbh. I feel morally compromised because in theory the cash is there. First world/middle class problem, eh?

He will never do without essentials, we're committed to that. We just seem to have very different ideas on what's essential

A medal for anyone who got this far, lol. Didn't want to dripfeed.

He may well have decided on an academic career in his niche subject related to special interest, but has he researched how many actual jobs there are in this area? You can't just continue forever more because you want to - at some point the bills need to be paid and a job has to be found.

Does he have the capacity to understand this part of it?

He's tried other jobs in the past which have not been successful. Does he believe that he can hold down a job in his specialism?

Just seen your update - ok, as said above, in that field, applications often get accepted by the university. The real test is the funding application. The university decides who to put forward for funding as well, so really he wants to make a very good impression to them.

Paying for a PhD is like paying to work in an exotic animal sanctuary. Yes, it's a great experience - but it's also hard work and if you're good it's something people should be paying YOU to do, not the other way round.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Yes, that's all done - DH is financially savvy hence the decent pension/savings despite some rocky years in the 90s. Giving our bodies to science so no funeral costs, heh.

Does he have the capacity to understand this part of it?

No. Many people with high functioning autism do not until it's literally not there, no money, no means to get it. There is very little understanding of such neurodivergence and particularly for those who have PDA elements of autism.

My son, for example, will try to wrongthink you into saying what he wants if the answer is 'no'. 'Say 'maybe'!' 'I'll take that as a maybe' Say this or say that. Like something out of 1984. I kid you not.

I thought it was just me but I see from others on here, it's not.

[quote toconclude]@osbertthesyrianhamster

Yes, that's all done - DH is financially savvy hence the decent pension/savings despite some rocky years in the 90s. Giving our bodies to science so no funeral costs, heh.[/quote]
Glad to hear it! Still need to grey rock him. VERY hard I realise but this is a non-starter. The money will be gone and he'll be in the same boat he is now. I get it! I understand.

If he got an assistant lecturing post then he would likely be supported by the HEI to do his PhD on a part-time basis. If he can’t get such a post then it may be that either there are few jobs and a PhD won’t leave him better off in that regard, or it may indicate that this type of work isn’t for him in which case a PhD won’t be of any benefit. It’s clear that you’re aware that the reality of a post-doc job would be quite different from his perception - is there any way he could access some guidance about this? Lecturing jobs are heavy on the admin and pastoral care and far from the ivory tower he might be envisaging. Funding his PhD might make him temporarily happy but realistically it is unlikely to benefit him in the long run and then he’ll be looking for you to fund the next course…..

Just because he’s autistic doesn’t mean he has a get out of jail free card for ever. He sounds like he will never have ‘enough’ from you. I write from experience; whatever is being offered is never enough. There will always be more need for those accustomed to having the hand out.
Your retirement is a valid reason to hang on to your money, there is no need to keep funding him, it’s not your fault he’s autistic, and like you said, he’s high functioning, time to crack on , or not, up to him.

@parietal

Universities have scholarships for people to do PhDs. He needs to apply for these. If he can't get a funded place from the university, then a phd is not the right career path.

Exactly this. Academia is a difficult field to work in - if he is one of the people who would have a chance at being successful, then he would also be getting scholarships.

I strongly urge you not to tell your son how much $ you have, and to simply say you can’t afford it. You can’t. You already see this would be a never ending money pit (post doc needed, plus he probably wouldn’t be successful in the field).

As a parent, of course you need to continue to support him in non-monetary ways - as you have already done, suggesting other work, suggesting training etc if that doesn’t work out, or encouraging him to find the funding himself (via work, scholarships etc) if he really won’t give this idea up. I think it is the easiest path for him with his autism (and so it would be, if someone else pays!) so he will continue to push at you, as doing that is easier than getting the money in another way.

The rule in my family was my parents funded the first degree (up to 5 years) and we self funded any others. All my siblings and myself went back for more degrees on our own money, either to advance a career, to retrain midway through life or to stay relevant on mat leave. All of us felt it fair that our parents only funded the initial degree to get us to a place/skill level able to be employed.

You are absolutely NBU and I wouldn’t be spending it, having spent 15 years working with autistic children + adults I know all too well how the all about me mindset can be but I assure you you are not in the wrong to want more out of life than a standard no frills stripped back retirement

As you’ve said there is no LD and clearly he is able to follow study etc, Eventually your DS will have to fend for himself, best get him used to it sooner rather than later so he has longer to transition

[quote toconclude]@agonyauntie2020
She would want him to be independent and happy. We've tried to ensure the first - benefit rules mean if we didn't sort out accommodation he'd still living with us a social housing is like gold dust around here and localhousing allowance towards private renting is derisory.
The second? God only knows how we do that.[/quote]
I know he's your child but he's an adult now which means you're not responsible for his happiness any more. You don't have to tie yourself in knots trying to make him happy. If you're fed up with the circular conversation around this PhD issue it's ok for you to say to him that you're not going to discuss that subject with him any more. You could still listen to what he has to say if you want to and just not give an opinion or get into a discussion. Or you could tell him you don't want to talk about it any more at all. You sound worn out with these endless pointless discussions. Maybe he wouldn't take it with well, but at 30 he needs to know that he can't dominate the conversation in his interactions with people and he can't always talk about something just because talking about it is what he wants to do.

Speaking as an academic, who is lucky enough to have a permanent job after many years of scrappy enterprising and fighting in the precarious world, I must unfortunately stress that an academic careers is the absolute hunger games at the moment. Funding a PhD is almost certainly not going to lead to an academic career. So in some ways, by funding his PhD you're just putting off the disappointment until later. HOWEVER might there be a lateral-thinking option here. He enjoys thinking about certain academic questions is there a way for him to engage with these that doesn't involve a self funded PhD? There are PhD studentships (especially in Europe I don't know if it's realistic for him to move) that effectively function like jobs. Rather than you paying the university for your PhD training, you do the PhD as a job. If he has a strong undergrad degree, with the right career coaching (pump this hard at his undergrad institution the careers advisors can be GREAT), could he maybe land one of these job-type PhDs where you come in and do a set project, effectively working for someone else? THEN he'd engage in the work, and no money needs to be spent. Downside is that you don't get to choose your exact project, but if he could find something at all related, it could still give satisfaction. Alternatively, how about him doing another job and doing some part-time postgrad through an inexpensive route, like the OU? Keeping his hand in the academic world that way? Good luck. I really hope he gets to think about his topic, in a way that won't cost you money, and gives him some academic satisfaction.

Yanbu.

Generally speaking, a PhD student worth their salt gets funding eg a stipend. If they don't, it means either no one is interested/values their specific area of interest (meaning its not likely to lead to paid employment) or no one thinks they are the right person to do that research.

Either way, its generally a waste of money and doesnt help you or your son to piss it away like this

osbertthesyrianhamster PDA here too, it's very hard...

No. Absolutely. No

Advanced degrees are great. Have one myself. He needs to find funding or earn the money himself. If he can’t do that, he isn’t prepared to do the degree.

As everyone has said - never self fund a PhD if you are good enough then you'll get a scholarship. Plus; I would never encourage anyone to go the academic route. There simply arwnt the jobs out there, its not a job market but a lottery. By now, you also need to be amazing at networking to get the first job which anyone with ASD will struggle. But anyone with a PhD will be four years older and even less qualified for the outside world

Absolutely not. He's had enough already. If he wants a PHD that badly he needs to work for it....... Whether he has Autism or not he needs a reality check.

I think just a very clear this can’t work financially and you will support him in applying for a scholarship but if that doesn’t work he will need a plan B and C (very very difficult given how fixated he is on this). Is he very good at his subject? Do his workplaces make accommodations for him or are they unaware that he may need them? I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.