Using my inheritance to fund adult child's PhD: Aibu not to? Long post, sorry

[toconclude]

DS2 has his heart set on an academic career in a niche subject(not STEM), related to his special interest - he's autistic but no LD in fact very bright. He lives rent free in his own home funded by a lump sum from invested DLA plus interest free loan from us.

Bluntly I feel his ambition is not realistic: even were he not autistic, openings in his field are very rare. But he's decided it's the only thing that will make him happy and talks of feeling very low if he can't achieve it. I've tried gently but clearly explaining how tough making an academic career is - I know people who have struggled severely and had in the end to follow other paths. Have suggested he look more short term and try to find more rewarding work day to day, get involved in his local community etc and follow the special interest as a hobby. Every conversation circles round to the same subject though.

He also struggles to stay employed anyway but puts it down to the jobs not being suitable for him - imo there is more to it than that as he finds social interaction hard at times and any fast paced environment stressful. He has no real idea of academic work and thinks it's all interesting research and set piece lecturing. Sadly his tutors so far do not seem to have impressed the reality onto him.

Thing is, I could in theory use my inheritance from late DM to fund a PhD, though it would eat the majority of it up especially if I were to match fund DS1 which would only be fair. DH and I can live modestly on his decent pension and my small one (had to take long career break due to DS2 needs and unpredictable nature of DH job at the time meaning no money for childcare and irregular contract working so irregular paternal availability). After DH dies I should also be financially stable. DMs money is just for an income for treats at present, plus rainy day/eventual care fund. DS2 does not know how much I have but says if I were 'more supportive, like other parents (unspecified, but he's sure they exist and I guess probably they do)' I'd help him out more and specifically with more study.

I think we've helped him a fair bit including financially - he is 30 and has never had to pay rent either at home or away,we funded 5 years of post 18 living and housing costs for first degree and Masters topping up his student loan plus regularly buying things he needs/paying essential bills and some big ticket items though he has met his basic living expenses through earnings and benefits.

Having looked at various MN threads consensus appears to be that we should financially support him until he can support himself but what if that's the rest of our lives? Am I just a selfish bitch for wanting more than a basic retirement? What will DS1, who frankly doesn't like his brother very much owing to many childhood and later embarrassments/stresses and doesn't keep in close touch with him, make of it if I do?

It would be so much easier if we just couldn't afford it, tbh. I feel morally compromised because in theory the cash is there. First world/middle class problem, eh?

He will never do without essentials, we're committed to that. We just seem to have very different ideas on what's essential

A medal for anyone who got this far, lol. Didn't want to dripfeed.

In fact, even if the OP were willing to give him the money, I would still suggest a doctoral loan, for the same reasons that it's suggested on here, by Martin Lewis, etc, that you don't pay fees upfront.

As my Great Aunt Maude always says, “Just because you have the money, doesn’t mean you can afford it.” I would say that is very much the case here.

@BearPie

I would recommend posting this in the Academic Common Room - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/academics_corner

Quite apart from the question of whether you should use your inheritance, it's generally not a good idea to self-fund a PhD. The reason being that if your area of research is worthy (enough), then someone will be happy to fund it for you. Self funded PhDs can often be vanity projects...

Yes. Thisnis exactly what I was trying to explain.

I wouldn't. Not being mean, but if he REALLY wants to do it he needs to look into what funding is available.
His employment history doesn't sound too great, so I would be concerned that part way through (always assuming he gets a place and a supervisor) he might drop out because it wasn't his thing after all.
I would be more inclined, as you have done, to encourage his to keep his interest as a hobby - if that is possible - and concentrate on finding work that a) is suited to him and b) he can stick at.

Is it possible that connections or support with the field would be a better way of dealing with this? I’m tenured at an R1 in the US, in a Political Science field, and would be happy to review his application materials over the Summer at some point. Your ability to connect him to opportunity for feedback may not only offer him some ‘reality’ from someone in the field, but will also ensure he knows you’re supportive of his goals.

There may be other MNers who could also offer feedback, so he gets a range, if his lecturers are not willing to be honest about the rigors and difficulty of academia (while I have tenure, this isn’t my ‘main’ job, thankfully!)

He should try to get funding for it instead. I pay for my children's education including post grad but only if I think it is useful (I have/am funding 3 in post grad law) (one, the 4th lawyer, was funded by a firm). I do not support children for life. however there are no right and wrong answers.

YANBU.

Your inheritance is not his. It's yours. And he has no entitlement to it whatsoever.

You're not being mean. You have worked hard to support him and it has to stop somewhere, and this is beyond the logical point. He needs to get a hold on to a job and support himself like every other able-bodied 30 year old, even if it's not his dream job.

You shouldn't have to give up a comfortable retirement because he won't take responsibility for his choices and make better ones.

Be clear with him that you won't be funding it under any circumstances. Tell him it doesn't matter that the money is technically there; it's not his and it's not going to be spent on him. It's for your retirement, not his stalling on become an adult.

I think he needs to have it highlighted the help he does get living rent free and that at 30 it is not unreasonable to expect hi to be self sufficient and that if he does want to do a PhD to fund it himself by holding down a job.

My daughter is younger but also ASD.

If it was her I wouldn't fund it. With her, I'd have very little faith in the course being completed and even less faith in it leading to worthwhile employment. Generally once one obsession is fulfilled she simply moves on to the next. Nothing actually ever gets resolved.

I get the impression you think your son could be very similar.

If he wants to do it he needs to work and earn and fund it himself. You already very generously fund his rent. That's more than enough for someone who is an adult. The more you fund him the more he'll ask for.

As a PP said, you're a parent for life. And one of the most difficult and most important parts of being a parent is making sure your DC can be as independent as possible. You shouldn't pay. It's not even about the money... It wouldn't be kind for you to fund something that is not going to help him become financially independent of you.
Must be really hard. Hugs to you OP.

[quote toconclude]@WeirdCatLady
Needs to get a proposal accepted first, he's made lots of applications but no deal so far. Subject is politics related, broadly[/quote]
Then I'd suggest to him that when/if his proposal is accepted that he applies for a doctoral loan. Fees for PhDs are very low - £5000 a year or so. He'd be entitled to a loan of around £9k a year which should cover the fees and give him a few grand for living expenses.

Honestly, I'd tell him that he needs to find a way to fund his PhD. If he can't get himself funding, then he can't afford to do one. There are lots of PhD scholarships of various sorts out there - and plenty in politics too. They're competitive but that's part of the point. He needs to convince the funder/department that he and his project idea are worth funding.

If he qualifies for a doctoral loan (which he only starts to pay back if he earns a certain amount) due to his UG and masters qualifications there really is no issue.

You don't have to fund up-front, he avoids cut throat competition. No problem of having to also work to pay the rent etc. Gives him a structure, purpose and allows him to obsess about niche subjects that no one else cares about (all good academics are internally driven).

The argument that goes that he's not going to be motivated to do a job that requires little intelligence but good social skills because he is not reliant on the income. But poverty does not work as a motivator and it would be absurd to suggest that poverty could cure other disabilities. Like a sight impaired person would be able to see if they really had to.

Basically, he's autistic. He's not going to suddenly not be autistic because it is expected that he has social skills that enable him to keep a job any more than any other person can 'overcome' a lifelong disability because employers expect it.

Ironically the worst paid jobs require the lowest academic qualifications and the highest social skills - emotional labour.

Lack of social skills is more tolerated in certain jobs but can get you sacked in others.

Plus he's a square peg in a round hole - too able but too disabled. A LD autistic person might be happy with secure accommodation and a little job but that's not what you say he is or will ever be.

What's the alternative?

If he really is as committed as he says he is could he try to obtain funding for Phd? Rather than ‘self’ funding (aka the bank of mum and dad)? I feel you’ve already gone above and beyond for your son. Perhaps the time has come to refocus your energies on showing him how to stand on his own too feet? And I say this as the parent of a young man with autism who has had everything handed to him on a plate! So I need to take my own advice! You risk resentment from your other son if you continue down this road. I’m guessing your other son has had to make sacrifices for his brother his whole life.
Although you haven’t said as much, I get a sense of your son manipulating you x

and he is 30 🤔

No point funding a PhD he can't get funding for. There's a reason he can't get funding.

So - either changes his application and secures funding or he does something else.

Finally - having care of an aged aunt - it brought home to me how important it is to plan for your final years even from your 50s onwards (I don't just mean retirement I mean elderly care). My aunt was amply well provided for by her DH which meant she could pay for great care. But most people don't do this. They think they may pop off quickly and don't worry about it.

In short: I think it's far more important to have a significant sum of your hard-earned money saved for late retirement in case of slow decline and degenerative diseases than a PhD.

No I would not fund it. Because you know it won't be the end. At some point he does have to be realistic and face up to what his options really are. A phd is kicking that decision down the road and it's not a solution. As a parent of an SN child I too am laughing / not laughing at the usual pretend support nonsense trotted out on here.

At 30 it's time he found a job he can do and get help for the social situations he can't manage, if that's a possibility. That inheritance is yours, god knows you deserve it.

You can't bank roll him forever. And, frankly, it wouldn't be in his own interests at this point.

If he is serious (and able) he will get a proposal accepted and can then look at funding streams, including govt. loan. However, academia can be high stress, involve student contact and responsibilities, teaching, chasing grants, and publishing pressure. The mental health impact of undertaking a PhD is very high.

He shouldn't even dream of asking you to subsidise him further. You must make it clear that this isn't an option.

Does he have a Plan B? He could pursue PhD study on a part-time basis alongside working part-time, perhaps tutoring. At the current rate he is going to be in his mid thirties with no experience, competing with fresh youngsters in the same boat.

It sounds as if he hasn't got either a (good class) first degree or a masters degree. Most universities regard those as prerequisites for embarking on a PHD; and the student also needs to find a senior academic to act as their research supervisor.

    IOW  money  can't  buy him a PhD research "opportunity"  if he hasnt got a  high level academic track record

Has he actually been offered a place to do a PhD? You can't just turn up and wave the cash around. PhD supervisors won't take anyone they don't think will be able to finish and pass. It's not worth their time. So if he's applied and got a place, then maybe talk to him about ways of funding it. There may be grants and studentships, teaching work he could do, etc. And if you wanted, you could make a contribution, but you absolutely should not be funding it all.

Haven’t RTFT but I don’t think you should do it.

Coming to this as an LP without money who’s ASD DS refused DLA from childhood onward, because 'he’s not disabled, everyone else is the problem.'
I ended up home educating him, supporting him through uni (at a level you'd see as normal for maybe a 7 yr old) and he's exceeded all expectations and is doing so well, but part of that is because we both worked really hard for him to make it to a level were those around him are professional and educated, (I’m not being a snob, I’m being a realist) or entitled to safeguarding. Without that, there’d be no hope for his future.
Frankly as soon as they’re into more MC territory, there’s more chance so your DS is not unreasonable to want to stay in the safe zone.
I’ve always known I had to ‘raise’ mine, in every sense, so I’ve given up a lot to fill him with targeted skills, and often fought with him to get him there. (I still get the rough end of it too much) It's been really tough for us all, and of course everyone thinks he just miraculously turned out that way and were he is. They have no idea how much support he still needs to get through a week.
But as someone lucky enough to achieve what seemed impossible, I’m more than aware that one meltdown at work could lose him everything we’ve both worked so hard and carefully to develop, and one too many angry indignant young man response to someone nearly taking him of his bike commuting may cost him his life.

That’s the reality we live with as a result of achieving the almost impossible with molding into employability against his natural grain. He may yet overload and break. It’s all such a double-edged sword.
When the pandemic struck, I had to fight and beg him to hang on and not try and get a supermarket job because he would swiftly loose it & badly, (doesn’t cope with even shopping in them!) and wreck his carefully built CV. He theoretically appreciates it all, but actually lives in the moment. He owes me a huge amount, which makes him feel controlled, but I’ve no choice, my already thin finances are ruined and changed. His anger is now at those prosecuting me for being unable to pay my way. He’s also not an only, and I’m in a wheelchair and the pandemic's destroyed my future and left me starting from scratch again in pain, and at the wrong age and stage.
Who plans to become disabled, unwanted and emerging post pandemic? You actually have choices, think it through before chucking them!

Different life from yours but I do so get it. But, God laughs while we plan! You’ve already done the most vital thing, a safe roof over his head that isn’t benefit dependent. Does he get how much that is your parental support? If you haven't made that clear to him, you should.

I’d say if you're able to have a financial cushion for your whole family and its potential disasters, think very hard before using it on something that doesn’t sound like it will make a substantial difference to his (or everyone’s) long term situation. We all cut out coats to the available cloth and he’s got used to tailored, but unless it substantially benefits him, you should harden up a little and be realistic about everyone’s future.

He really does not have a realistic idea of what an academic’s job entails. He needs to find another route to go down.

Your instincts are absolutely right on this.

I have a (fully funded) PhD in a niche non-STEM subject and a degree from Oxbridge. I lectured internationally, was gainfully employed in academia for years, wrote a book and a few articles. However, long term secure employment prospects in my field are abysmal. In the end, i took the decision to leave and I am now training to be a lawyer. The PhD isn’t exactly a hindrance in the law, but only because mine had a practical component which comes in handy for international lawyers. But you know all this already because you have seen academics struggle, as have I. It’s an extremely tough gig now.

Lecturers painting a rosy picture of academic life have their own agenda - they need PhD students as it’s one of the metrics university rankings will score them on. I would take any advice from them with a very large pinch of salt. Job satisfaction in non-STEM subject is extremely low.

There is one more thing to consider - the pressures and loneliness of writing a PhD often exacerbate mental health issues and that’s for neurotypical people. The idea of writing a doctorate is very different to the reality of doing it on your own for years. It’s extremely easy for mental health issues to emerge during postgraduate study and I feel it’s a really important consideration. Does your DS have a history of anxiety or depression?

Someone mentioned above the only way this could happen for your DS is if he could find funding. I don’t know anyone who found an academic job after self-funding the PhD so maybe you can explain to him that, as well as being an important practical step, the stipend is essential to securing a job afterwards.

I know it’s hard seeing your DS not getting what he wants, but propping him up with the money you can ill afford to spend is just delaying the disappointment. Had I failed earlier, I could have changed course earlier. He will find a new interest - there is life outside academia, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.

That said one option might be to do a PhD abroad where fees are much lower. You could often do them as distance-learning.