I don't want drugs at my wedding

[Bridezillamaybe]

I'm getting married next year. It's been an utterly rubbish year for many many reasons and I am really looking forward to it, having people together and celebrating the future.

We are having 100 guests, approx 70 of which are mine. Ten of them are very old friends of mine, good friends that I've known as part of a larger group for twenty years. We all used to party a lot with drugs (E, amphetamines). I stopped and personally despise drugs but each to their own. They all take coke, not regularly but when there is a big gathering or occasion. The last three weddings we have been at as a group, the hen parties, the big birthdays have seen everyone spending the night doing come and me finding it all quite boring. Generally I make my own fun with whoever else is there and head off to bed when I feel like it. I haven't enjoyed the druggie weddings, nobody dances, everyone just sits shouting self obsessed drivel at each other.

The friendships are real, the meetings are not always dominated by drugs and I've plenty of other friends. No matter how much I say "I don't take drugs" they always seem to forget and keep offering. Occasionally someone takes a swipe about how i used to be fun but generally they don't pay any attention.

So this brings me to my wedding. They are 10% of the guestlist and I want them there. I was talking to a friend about the venue and she said totally serious that there would need to be a private spot for getting away and doing lines. I said I hoped that wouldn't be happening and she got very shirty with me.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but the wedding is costing us 20k, we have been saving / planning for ages. My partner would be disgusted by this behaviour. I feel as the hosts, people should respect our wishes. My friend obviously feels I am being very controlling. She says they are adults and they are also out of pocket to come to the wedding and are entitled to spend their free time as they desire.

Yabu - mind your own business and let people enjoy a party anyway they like
Yanbu - it's your wedding day, they should respect your wishes.

OP, it sounds like the woman who spoke to you is a right CF. Not only does she want you to set aside a room for lines (and gets shirty when told "no") but she never actually 'buys a round' (or the equivalent). Classic CF.

[quote Bridezillamaybe]@Peach01 I know people disappear off to rooms but not to the same extreme. When everyone is privately doing lines all night they spend their time huddled together off in private.[/quote]
One night in particular I sat myself most of the night because the company I was with were away doing it all night.
If it's the involvement of drugs on your day you don't want, don't invite them if they are adamant they're ignoring your wishes. You're inviting the inevitable.

If it's more about them going off and not being present when you've put a lot of time and effort into organising, you could invite them but make it clear you don't want them going off all the time - whether they listen or not is another story.

I've been at weddings where people have went to rooms for hours on end because it's cheaper to drink the alcohol they've brought with them. Smokers spend a lot of time outside, though shorter periods at a time and they're still close by.

Guest lists are stressful. You're not asking much of them. You want them there, you don't want to leave them out but they're being difficult if they don't agree.

I hate the ageism round drug taking too. It isn't about 'growing up'. There's no rule that after age 35 people should hang up their party shoes and put their slippers on for a night in with a cup of tea. It annoys me that there's this judgement in terms of what you can and can't do after a certain age. You hear it mentioned with regards to partying, to how you're allowed to dress, to what hobbies are acceptable, it shouldn't matter. If it's tragic at age 40 it's also tragic at age 20.

Well it is tragic at any age yes but at least when you're younger you have witnessed the repercussions first hand of people not getting their act together, you've only been told by your parents / teachers.

*have not witnessed first hand

@Drunkenmonkey

I hate the ageism round drug taking too. It isn't about 'growing up'. There's no rule that after age 35 people should hang up their party shoes and put their slippers on for a night in with a cup of tea. It annoys me that there's this judgement in terms of what you can and can't do after a certain age. You hear it mentioned with regards to partying, to how you're allowed to dress, to what hobbies are acceptable, it shouldn't matter. If it's tragic at age 40 it's also tragic at age 20.

Like I said, drug-taking (or for that matter drinking to excess) is pathetic at any time of life. But we do give the young some leeway because by definition they have less life experience and therefore less appreciation of the consequences. After a few years that excuse no longer washes.

And I speak as someone who got a short, sharp shock in my early twenties, was sufficiently chastened and resolved never again to lose control.

YANBU

I think your plan to talk to the nice friend who usually organises it, is a good one. He sounds decent and considerate, and I'm sure as a good friend who cares about you he will be more than happy to respect your wishes.

It's perfectly fine to want a different vibe for your wedding, and all the decent ones among your friends will want you to have the wedding you want. They will care about that.

The woman who brought it up in the first place has a crap attitude, and she'll probably regret so brazenly expressing her wish for a side room, because now not only will she not get that, she'll hopefully get the rest of the group letting her know that your wedding is about you, not about her recreational preferences. And now that she's brought it up, ironically, her showing-off-style request is what has led to it being now specifically requested by you that your guests don't do this.

I'm optimistic your friends won't let you down

Ugh I feel for you OP, it’s a tricky situation. Unfortunately I think given their attitude they are likely to do it, regardless, but may at least feel more obligation to hide their behaviour if you tell them you are not ok with it. If I were you , I’d be really frank and clear: no drugs at the wedding. If they can’t respect that, they are welcome to decline the invite. However, you would of course really love to have them there...

This is tricky OP have you explained to them the reasons that you don't enjoy their company/make excuses to leave early when they are on coke. I understand where you're coming from, it isn't much fun being around people who are doing it when you're not. I'd like to think if someone i cared about didn't enjoy spending time with me because I was too drunk (as an example albeit not a direct comparison) I would be mortified and make an effort to change that when we were together.

I think you’ve outgrown them OP and it’s time to accept that.

@Drunkenmonkey

I hate the ageism round drug taking too. It isn't about 'growing up'. There's no rule that after age 35 people should hang up their party shoes and put their slippers on for a night in with a cup of tea. It annoys me that there's this judgement in terms of what you can and can't do after a certain age. You hear it mentioned with regards to partying, to how you're allowed to dress, to what hobbies are acceptable, it shouldn't matter. If it's tragic at age 40 it's also tragic at age 20.

As a 50+ drug user I'd agree, and I do think drugs are a bit wasted on the young. I didn't use at all in my early twenties, and it's something I've come to more in later life with my partner. As a youngster I had enough energy and zest for life without enhancement. There's a lot to be said once you're into middle age for having something to help recapture that energy and euphoria of youth.

@JediGnot Of course buyers of drugs are propping up the drugs trade. If no-one was buying it then there would be no drugs trade.

Yes drug taking is lamer with age. Because people look ridiculous. I don't have much experiece of people who solely/primarily use coke though. Most of the druggies I knew were stoners and also would use anything they got their hands on- acid, E, mushrooms, coke, one occasionally heroin. But mainly pot maybe. They also tend to find it harder to maintain relationships. Most of them looked more ridiculous with age rather than less. My ex who is a white 'dred' with 'dreds' down to his calves, which he wears piled up elaborately on his head as his everyday look to walk to the shops etc. Another ex who is a ginger dred with winged eyeliner and sometimes wears a pirate hat. Another who is older but lived in a squat in his 40s and had hoped there was demand for him as a male prostitute (he had to admit there wasn't in the end.) But maybe that's a different scene. I was and would be embarrassed to be seen in public with them now.

@NiceGerbil

You could say please leave it off until the evening starts. That would be ok I think.

Agree. Less obvious.

#3 bloke wasn't a 'dred' BTW, he had a shaven head (I actually like that look) but had an 'acid casualty' stare and demeanor.

Locs are a bit different on people who aren't culturally appropriating it.
That makes it worse/more pretentious.

@Bizawit

Ugh I feel for you OP, it’s a tricky situation. Unfortunately I think given their attitude they are likely to do it, regardless, but may at least feel more obligation to hide their behaviour if you tell them you are not ok with it. If I were you , I’d be really frank and clear: no drugs at the wedding. If they can’t respect that, they are welcome to decline the invite. However, you would of course really love to have them there...

Nice idea, but….Isn’t this just going to end up with the op being really upset and distressed at her wedding when she finds out they’ve gone against her wishes?

You could say please leave it off until the evening starts. That would be ok I think.

OP has said she doesn't want drugs at her wedding.
Unless I've missed an update and she's now changed her mind?
I have read (most) of the thread.
No fkn way should she be procuring a room for people to take drugs in.
Someone on the thread said that they work in a venue catering for weddings, and if they got wind of this the entire wedding party would be turfed out.
Rightly.
What about friends and family who don't want to be around any of that shit?
OK, friends want to do it but they've got to accept that what they are doing is illegal and a lot of people want no part of that, and don't move in drug circles.

To give you my feelings, which could be the same as some of your guests ...

If I was at a wedding and saw people doing lines then I'd probably leave.

Are those old shaman guys in the amazon forest who take mind altering drugs like ayuasca ridiculous and tragic too? Or are they OK cos its part of their culture?

@Macncheeseballs doubt OP has invited old shaman guys to her wedding. Therefore irrelevant.

[quote me4real]@JediGnot Of course buyers of drugs are propping up the drugs trade. If no-one was buying it then there would be no drugs trade.

Yes drug taking is lamer with age. Because people look ridiculous. I don't have much experiece of people who solely/primarily use coke though. Most of the druggies I knew were stoners and also would use anything they got their hands on- acid, E, mushrooms, coke, one occasionally heroin. But mainly pot maybe. They also tend to find it harder to maintain relationships. Most of them looked more ridiculous with age rather than less. My ex who is a white 'dred' with 'dreds' down to his calves, which he wears piled up elaborately on his head as his everyday look to walk to the shops etc. Another ex who is a ginger dred with winged eyeliner and sometimes wears a pirate hat. Another who is older but lived in a squat in his 40s and had hoped there was demand for him as a male prostitute (he had to admit there wasn't in the end.) But maybe that's a different scene. I was and would be embarrassed to be seen in public with them now.[/quote]
"If no-one was buying it then there would be no drugs trade."

Makes as much sense as "the problems in 1930s america were nothing to do with gangsters and alcohol being banned driving the trade underground, it was all down to the evil people who wanted a sip or two of whiskey.

Ageism is not a good look. I firmly believe that people should grow up and mature as they get older, but I also firmly believe that they should hold onto the passion and idealism of youth as well. Heavy drug use is probably better suited to the young, but FFS, this is 2021, we don't get married at 19 and resign ourselves to work and domestic drudgery until the day we die any more.

You seem to have an ex who is white with dreads. This seems to have affected you massively. Had it occurred to you that maybe the correlation is not "drug users are bad" it's "white people with waist long dreads are appalling, every single last one of them"?

@londonscalling

To give you my feelings, which could be the same as some of your guests ...

If I was at a wedding and saw people doing lines then I'd probably leave.

Jeezo why? It literally would not affect you in the slightest.

@Morgan12 I was just about to type the same! I mean, really...

Why are people surprised that people would leave?
I probably would too.
I don't want to be around it, and I wouldn't want my kids to be either.