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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't want drugs at my wedding

469 replies

Bridezillamaybe · 13/06/2021 19:48

I'm getting married next year. It's been an utterly rubbish year for many many reasons and I am really looking forward to it, having people together and celebrating the future.

We are having 100 guests, approx 70 of which are mine. Ten of them are very old friends of mine, good friends that I've known as part of a larger group for twenty years. We all used to party a lot with drugs (E, amphetamines). I stopped and personally despise drugs but each to their own. They all take coke, not regularly but when there is a big gathering or occasion. The last three weddings we have been at as a group, the hen parties, the big birthdays have seen everyone spending the night doing come and me finding it all quite boring. Generally I make my own fun with whoever else is there and head off to bed when I feel like it. I haven't enjoyed the druggie weddings, nobody dances, everyone just sits shouting self obsessed drivel at each other.

The friendships are real, the meetings are not always dominated by drugs and I've plenty of other friends. No matter how much I say "I don't take drugs" they always seem to forget and keep offering. Occasionally someone takes a swipe about how i used to be fun but generally they don't pay any attention.

So this brings me to my wedding. They are 10% of the guestlist and I want them there. I was talking to a friend about the venue and she said totally serious that there would need to be a private spot for getting away and doing lines. I said I hoped that wouldn't be happening and she got very shirty with me.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but the wedding is costing us 20k, we have been saving / planning for ages. My partner would be disgusted by this behaviour. I feel as the hosts, people should respect our wishes. My friend obviously feels I am being very controlling. She says they are adults and they are also out of pocket to come to the wedding and are entitled to spend their free time as they desire.

Yabu - mind your own business and let people enjoy a party anyway they like
Yanbu - it's your wedding day, they should respect your wishes.

OP posts:

HappyFeet2021 · 15/06/2021 10:11

Uninvite them. A few of my friends have dabbled many years ago, as we grew up the ones who continued were left behind / axed as it was all they wanted to do and it was infuriating.
My partner has a group of friends who regularly do coke (you would think a bunch of middle aged men would realise it isn't "cool"). One of them is getting married and his fiance has specifically asked for no drugs and has stated on numerous occasions how upset she will be and that it would ruin the day. I also said if we get married I do not want anyone there taking drugs. I do not agree with it, I do not like how it makes people behave and I do not want my family and normal friends to think this is what we do!!

Peach01 · 15/06/2021 12:52

I can't believe they've asked for you to book and pay for a designated drug taking room. That's horrendous. If they need this then they have a problem.
If it means that much to them, they shouldn't go where drugs aren't welcome. Your wishes should be . They should stay at home with their dear friend Charlie.

Forstarters · 15/06/2021 18:44

There is something rather tragic about someone who still uses party drugs into their forties

Why? You either think it’s always tragic or it’s not tragic. Why does age come into it? Ageism

ScrollingLeaves · 15/06/2021 18:57

“Forstarters

There is something rather tragic about someone who still uses party drugs into their forties

Why? You either think it’s always tragic or it’s not tragic. Why does age come into it? Ageism”

But you wouldn’t say it’s ageism if someone said it’s tragic if someone still behaves like an adolescent well into their forties.

Isn’t that what was meant?

Original poster

Bridezillamaybe · 15/06/2021 18:57

@Forstarters

There is something rather tragic about someone who still uses party drugs into their forties

Why? You either think it’s always tragic or it’s not tragic. Why does age come into it? Ageism

It certainly does come into it as life priorities change as you reach middle age; you mainly have children, your health is far less robust than it once was and you have had enough lived experiences to hopefully develop the maturity to really understand the implications of taking drugs.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bridezillamaybe · 15/06/2021 19:04

I have been thinking about this a lot since I started the thread flip flopping between just ignoring the topic and tackling it head on.

I was out with a newer friend today who I have met through my fiance. The topic of cocaine use coincidentally came up with regard to someone else entirely. She was utterly disgusted. It really drove home to me how much people are not at ease with drug taking.

I have a different life now, I have done for ages. I'm not a young bride but I'm a first time bride and I deserve to have the wedding I want and will enjoy. People will either join us or they won't.

I am going to make it crystal clear.

OP posts:

bookworm14 · 15/06/2021 19:04

People like your friends are propping up the drugs trade. Knowing the utter misery it causes, not only in South America but the UK as well (gangs, county lines etc), I would no longer want anything to do with them.

Original poster

Bridezillamaybe · 15/06/2021 19:05

Sorry not to say that a second or third time bride doesn't deserve the perfect day. I just mean that just because I'm in my forties doesn't mean its not as exciting as it would have been ten year ago.

OP posts:

JediGnot · 15/06/2021 19:10

@bookworm14

That is nonsense. The people propping up the drugs trade are politicians who refuse to adopt evidence based drugs policy and legalize. It is barely believable that anyone things prohibition is the answer 80 years after the the prohibition of alcohol failed completely.

ScottishBlanket · 15/06/2021 19:21

Can you hire a sniffer dog and have it at the wedding (don’t know if this is a thing)

Macncheeseballs · 15/06/2021 19:24

When marijuana is legalised in this country, which it will be one day, will they be allowed to light up a joint (or a vape)

JediGnot · 15/06/2021 19:24

@Bridezillamaybe

I have been thinking about this a lot since I started the thread flip flopping between just ignoring the topic and tackling it head on.

I have a different life now, I have done for ages. I'm not a young bride but I'm a first time bride and I deserve to have the wedding I want and will enjoy. People will either join us or they won't.

I am going to make it crystal clear.

I am someone who been part of such a party group, and am still on the fringes of it in my forties, with many many people still going strong! [I have taken coke maybe 3 times in my life and not for 20 or 25 years - I am on the fringes, not a party animal, and never really was].

If I were you I wouldn't invite the people who you think want to take drugs. They will want to come and they will want to take drugs.

I'd suggest you tell them that numbers are tight and that you've decided that you want something really family orientated and that they wouldn't really have that much fun. "Sorry - no invite - I'm doing it for you own good, you'll be bored!"

At best I would suggest that you only invite people who beg to be invited even after you've told them that there will be a zero drugs policy and they're not invited. But even then they'll probably still be tempted, cos it's a big party and that's what these adults want to do at parties, and it won't do any harm and no-one will notice anyway.

If you invite any of them you need a plan that means the issue can be dealt with without ruining your wedding day... and I can't see that's possible, at the very least you'll be annoyed with them disrespecting you.

Morgan12 · 15/06/2021 19:24

@ScottishBlanket

Can you hire a sniffer dog and have it at the wedding (don’t know if this is a thing)

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

JediGnot · 15/06/2021 19:28

@ScottishBlanket

Can you hire a sniffer dog and have it at the wedding (don’t know if this is a thing)

That doesn't solve OPs problem though - she'd still be pissed off that various people completely disrespected her and wasted invites that could have gone to others. Either that or half the drugs will be left in the car and it'll all come out when the sniffer dog's gone, or it'll be necked off the dashboard before the ceremony to avoid the dog!

OP want's drug free, some of her old friends like drugs - I reall can't see it is realistic to expect adults to go to a party and not do what they do at parties!

GrimDamnFanjo · 16/06/2021 00:47

Perhaps your fiancé's police mates will all be at the wedding and you wouldn't want them to miss out on their fun so maybe best they don't attend? ....

Surfisup · 16/06/2021 05:55

It's interesting that so many people think the police would do anything about people snorting coke.

Morgan12 · 16/06/2021 07:21

I know two policeman who would join in and take some lines.

RodiganReed · 16/06/2021 07:26

Can you hire a sniffer dog and have it at the wedding (don’t know if this is a thing)

They're all the rage at my local Wedding Fair

PinkCheetah · 16/06/2021 07:33

Hi OP.
I was in a similar predicament where my DH's friends did do drugs, he dabbled, and I don't. I did ask DH and his friends not to do it but apparently I heard years later from one of his friends that it did happen somewhere private. Like heck would I pay for a room! I wasn't bothered as you are though because I know these particular people when they take coke are still decent and wouldn't embarrass me. I didn't know know they were high. And as a bride you have much more on your mind.

In your situation, as you are clearly bothered by this I would lay down the rules to everyone (don't rely on one friend to pass the message to the group). Ask them first if they intend to do drugs at the wedding. If they say yes, tell them this is your day and you would want them not to do drugs. They can do it in their own time any day of the week but not your wedding day. Get their express agreement. If they resist or say they won't stop for one day of your life, tell them unfortunately you will be withdrawing their invite. I feel sorry for your friends. They likely have a drug problem they don't even realise they have because it's so normalised within their friendship group. Bear in mind some friends will say they won't do it and may still do it on the day in a sneaky way, like the toilets. Nothing you can do about it at that point and I wouldn't let them take the joy out of your wedding.

YellowFish12 · 16/06/2021 07:38

If your friends take party drugs then they will almost certainly want to indulge at your wedding. It is a party, with alcohol and friends. Prime dug taking event.

Tell them they don't need a 'special room' they can get themselves a bullet each and discreetly have a little snifter as and when.

Sitting around in a private room would be the height of rudeness and would really fuck me off.

I do think you probably wouldn't really notice as long as they aren't going to a rom / spending ages in the toilet. Not when everyone has been drinking and is dancing anyway.

Abraxan · 16/06/2021 07:41

@Macncheeseballs

When marijuana is legalised in this country, which it will be one day, will they be allowed to light up a joint (or a vape)

That's totally irrelevant. That situation would be legal and, if legalised, I'd hope the damaging drugs chains broken and coming from more legitimate sources.

In this situation neither is the case.

The situations cannot be compared.

Parker231 · 16/06/2021 07:43

I still don’t understand why you would want these people at your wedding?

motogogo · 16/06/2021 07:52

Uninvite then. These are no longer friends. Do not condone their illegal activity

User3253465621 · 16/06/2021 08:08

Unpopular opinion but if it's literally one night, with people you are genuinely friends with then you can't really stop what fully grown adults intend to do or not to do. The worst case scenario might be they get so coked up that they might break things / ruin the party / embarrass you in front of other guests which can also happen with alcohol.

Quite surprised at the moral outrage from many PPs here tbh. I have never taken drugs and certainly do not support the industry but judging by the tone here many are making it sound like pedophilia. Acting shocked that you even have contact with people who take an occasional line of coke or that you would even consider having them at your wedding. Either those PPs are increeedibly sheltered or just love moralising similar to the corona police.

As for the drug industry being terrible, that's obviously true. But there are plenty of legal industries where people suffer or die (fast fashion, fishing, cheap agriculture etc) and it would be massively hypocritical to condemn one while still buying your clothes from a hight street retailer or a cheap, non-organic box of veg.

ImmyMc · 16/06/2021 08:15

@DdraigGoch You sound incredibly middle class. Most weddings I've been to are working-class Scottish ones, and almost everybody is drunk at those and children are very present. And it's always fine. I really do think Mumsnet users would benefit from trying, just occasionally, to see things from outside of their own perspectives.

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